Teag Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I just found out my H has been cheating on me over the past month. I had an ins. class all this past week & Monday I called him after class to make sure he was coming home right after work to care for our daughter. he said he was still at work & that it would be awhile. Well I told him I was going over to his grandmothers to get her laptop to help me study. (If you've read my other threads you'll know my H has a drinking problem & never wants to come home) Well his grandparents lives about a mile from his best friend where he spends alot of his time at. Well I see his best friend drive by in my H car w/out him so I go over to his house, & see a car in the driveway...a car I don't know. I just walk in the house & see 2 feed hanging off the bed, I walk in & see my H w/ his arms around another girl, I flipped out, I started yelling & screaming & throwing fist. At him & her, I bet she'll never mess with a married man again. It was horrible, I'm just so glad my daughter wasn't with me. He swears he's never slept with her & I know he's only seen her a few times. But he's talked to her on the phone alot. He swears the only thing he's done is kiss her, but even thinking about that makes me want to puke. She this little 17 yr old slut that use to work with him, he said he use to call her for weed & thats how they "hooked" up. The only reason I believe he hasn't slept with him is b/c his best friends girlfriend has been with them all the time, & H is always with them. She's the girl that would let me know right away if she knew anything. She was talking to her boyfriend(H best friend) & he told her H swears he didn't sleep w/ her & I believe him b/c he tells me everything. I kicked him out of the house, & he's staying w/ best friend right now. He says he's willing to do anything not to lose me. He called her & told her he didn't want to have anything to do w/ her anymore & couldn't see or talk to her ever again, that he loved his wife & wanted to work things out. He did this in front of me. She's scared to go anywhere near him b/c of what I did to her. I hope she learned her lesson. One of the bad things about it is, she KNOWS he's married & has met me & talked to my daughter so its not like she was in the dark w/ this whole thing, thats why I went off on her too. We have our first marriage counseling appt. next Friday & he says he's willing to go to an out patient rehab for his drinking. He's come over everyday since its happened. He has spent more time w/ his daughter in the past 4 days than he has in the past month almost. Maybe this was a good thing, it finally made him realize what he has & what he doesn't want to loose, but I am just so sad. All I can think about is what happened. As I sit here typing this I'm crying. He's pretty much answered all my questions about it, & has told me where she works & has giving me her phone number so I can keep an eye on his phone bill. I guess I should be glad he's wanting to try & work things out but that doesn't take the pain away. It was more of an emotional affair than anything, but still. I don't think I would be able to take him back if anything else had happened. I'm still making him get tested for SDTs even though I do believe he didn't sleep with her. I can't take that chance especially since I'm 6 months pregnant. I just miss him so much, & I cry every time I see him. I feel like he just wants me to get over it. (not that harsh) But he says he just wants to move past this & start over, but that is so hard, i can't just move past it. He says I keep asking him the same questions like I expect the answeres to change or want it to be more than what it was, but I"m just trying to understand. I just don't. I can't understand if you love someone how you could put them in so much pain. I'm not sure what exactly I'm looking for writing this, I guess just Little support. Its just so much easier for him to deal with all this b/c 1. he wasn't the one betrayed & 2. he's always surrounded by his best friend to help keep his mind off things. While I'm stuck at home w/ all the memories & w/ his daughter who reminds me so much of him I can't think about anything else. Some of the questions I asked him he acted like I was crazy even thinking them, for example I said how do I know over the past month every time we made love he wasn't thinking about her instead of me. & he acted like that was the craziest thing I've ever said. He said he never had any intention on sleeping with her & that he doesn't know why he did it but it never would have went that far. But I just CAN'T believe that. I can't believe that you start an affair & have no intentions of sleeping with her especially when you've kissed her. I'm sorry this is so long but I just need to get it all out. If anyone has read all this thanks I appreciate it.
blind_otter Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 Damn, I'm so sorry that you are going through it right now. I feel like he needs to do some exploring inside himself because "I don't know why I did it" doesn't really cut it. every human being has to be motivated in some way to do anything -- that's what depression is, a short circuit in the motivation parts of the brain. So he has a reason, if he doesn't consciously know it. Definatley get into MC with him so you guys can work through this with some objective help, I think. JMO, though.... I'll say a prayer for you.
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 She probably fed into his ego, and he let things go too far. I highly doubt he was thinking "affair" but it could have led to that. He was enjoying the extra attention, feeling desired by this girl too and I'm sure she loved the attention as well. I say wait and see how things go in marriage counselling and then hopefully IN ACTION you'll see changes in him. Hang in there, give it some time but definately don't blame yourself. THIS was HIS choice, not yours. If he felt he was missing something or his needs weren't being met at home, he could have TOLD you and sorted it out instead of doing this. Another problem, his drinking habits have definately changed his way of thinking. He isn't the man you married because of that. Im sure he feels less of a man, less of a husband and father so (without really thinking it through) he just reacted and enjoyed living in the moment without realizing what he could lose...Suffer the consquences. Hopefully this IS a wake-up call for him. No more late nights out, he should be at home with you and your child. Time for him to grow the hell up and take responsibility for his actions and not run away. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Keep posting and venting.
Sal Paradise Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I'd leave him and find someone else or in the words of acting god Vanilla Ice from his filmatic masterpiece "Cool As Ice".... "Drop that zero and get with the hero"
CrashIntoMe Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I know it's esier said than done, but I think you should leave him.
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I think it's possible to just kiss someone and not intend to sleep with them. I've kissed many guys without any intention whatsoever to sleep with them. I really only felt like kissing them, because I didn't like them enough to sleep with them. The only difference is: I felt like kissing somebody - anybody - because I was single, lonely, and desperately needed a kiss. Every time I did this... I wasn't sober. People do stupid things without thinking. Try to get over it and not look back. It's good that he wants to stop drinking, I think that's the solution of your problem. He learned his lesson. So what did you do to this girl to teach her a lesson?
SoleMate Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 He's been sneaking off to be with her, he's getting his friend to cover for him, you caught them embracing on a bed, she's an underage "slut", and he swears he's done no more than kiss her. Hmmmm...... You need the Marriage Builders Plan A ASAP! One of the first things you will learn is that his going off to spend so much time with his friend (male?) is totally incompatible with a happy and lasting marriage, especially after the cheating he's done. The "friend time" gave him the opportunity to cheat, so he needs to END IT to prove to you that he is closing out the chances for cheating. If he whines and moans, tough...he broke trust, he now has some heavy lifting to do to rebuild it. Sure, you should "get over it", once he has sincerely fixed it. That includes: * Instant and total NC for a lifetime * Total access for you to his email, cell phone, credit cards, etc. * NO MORE TIME away from family except for work * Whatever else it takes to show you he is committed and is willing to repair the hurt I hope he is willing and able to do this.
blondelexus Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I just found out that my boyfriend of fifteen years has cheated on me. For the last eight years there was never any sex between us. He said he was impotent . He never liked sex, except I think he pretended in the very beginning to like it. For the last eight years I have just accepted this as the way it is!! I got up early one Sunday morning and saw his cell phone on the table in the den. It was always in the kitchen being charged. I had never checked the numbers in the phone before. I kept looking at the phone and somehow I knew there was information in the phone to explain some of the questions I have had all of these years. I found one number that stood out, since it had been called a lot of times. It was 5 am in the morning when I dialed the number, and a woman answered. I hung up. I waited until he got up and I asked him who the woman was. He lied, of course, and tried to say he had loaned his sister his cell and it must be a fried of hers. I told him that he knows the line of work I am in, and that I can definitely find out who the phone is listed to as soon as I got to work on Monday morning. He finally confessed. It was a woman that he had dated at the time I met him all of those years ago. It was a woman that has had three husbands and is considered to be a woman that sleeps around with a lot of men. He never even wanted her all those years ago, when he could have had her. I was astounded that he would do this to me, and to our relationship. I knew we had just a shell of a relationship, and not what I wanted, however I had accepted it for what it was. I have been so hurt. I immediately kicked him out of my house and he went back to his parents house to live. Since that time he has not called this woman, or been to see her, for she would love to call me and tell me he has called. This is the kind of woman she is!! When I ask him why he did this, all he will ever say is that he doesn't know. Somehow I need for him to tell me WHY!!! I know he doesn't love me, and I don't need for anyone to tell me this! The thing is, I really know that he didn't want her either. There is something deeper here than just his unfaithfuflness. I have always wondered if he is gay. He doesn't fit the sterotype of a gay person. I know there are men that do not act or look gay, and they are gay anyway so it still could be the answer. He doesn't like women really , and I truly believe this!! When I first met him it was right after I separated from my husband of 21 years. I met him at a lounge in Charlotte, NC. He just happened to live in the same town as myself. We would talk on the phone and meet at this club on Saturday nights for several weeks. He would have to have at least 6 beers before he would even come over and talk to me. As we progressed in this new relationship, eventually we had sex. After he would be loaded on alcohol he was a different person and was very sexual. The other times we would be together sexually when there was no alcohol involved, he would have sex occasionally but he was cold and not affectionate during these times. He would sometimes actually be almost violent. He never hit me, but looking back on it all now, I feel violated to a degree. I was not equipped to handle something like this. It was so abnormal. Again, when I would ask what is going on with you, he would always say he didn't know. Eventually we came to a point 8 years ago that it was all to much of a hassel and the sex stopped completely. We just remained friends to a point. He lived here with me and we were just like roomates. The thing is he told me he was impotent by this time and this was the reason there was no more sex at all. He still said we were a couple and we never had any understanding that others could be in our relationship. I know I have been stupid here. To put up with this all of these years shows how co dependent I have been. The thing is, I had already been through a divorce and just felt I didn't want to go out and meet another person and start all over again. I was willing to just settle for a platonic relationship with him. Still, if he was able to have sex I expected it to be with me. I have a great job and I am very independent in my professional career, but not with my emotional life. I am told by all my friends that I am still very attractive. This woman is a hag and a slut. What in this world would make a man do a thing like this?? I have talked to many friends on this. After I tell them all of this, and all of the past, people think he is gay. They think he will not admit this and they think that he went to this woman to try and prove something to himself. I wish I could just let all of this go. I would never take him back after this, and this is just the way I am. He has betrayed our friendship, yet there is a part of me that wants so much to understand what has happened here. If anyone has ever known of a situation like this I would appreciate a response. Thanks so much.
blind_otter Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I just found out that my boyfriend of fifteen years has cheated on me. For the last eight years there was never any sex between us. He said he was impotent . He never liked sex, except I think he pretended in the very beginning to like it. For the last eight years I have just accepted this as the way it is!! I got up early one Sunday morning and saw his cell phone on the table in the den. It was always in the kitchen being charged. I had never checked the numbers in the phone before. I kept looking at the phone and somehow I knew there was information in the phone to explain some of the questions I have had all of these years. I found one number that stood out, since it had been called a lot of times. It was 5 am in the morning when I dialed the number, and a woman answered. I hung up. I waited until he got up and I asked him who the woman was. He lied, of course, and tried to say he had loaned his sister his cell and it must be a fried of hers. I told him that he knows the line of work I am in, and that I can definitely find out who the phone is listed to as soon as I got to work on Monday morning. He finally confessed. It was a woman that he had dated at the time I met him all of those years ago. It was a woman that has had three husbands and is considered to be a woman that sleeps around with a lot of men. He never even wanted her all those years ago, when he could have had her. I was astounded that he would do this to me, and to our relationship. I knew we had just a shell of a relationship, and not what I wanted, however I had accepted it for what it was. I have been so hurt. I immediately kicked him out of my house and he went back to his parents house to live. Since that time he has not called this woman, or been to see her, for she would love to call me and tell me he has called. This is the kind of woman she is!! When I ask him why he did this, all he will ever say is that he doesn't know. Somehow I need for him to tell me WHY!!! I know he doesn't love me, and I don't need for anyone to tell me this! The thing is, I really know that he didn't want her either. There is something deeper here than just his unfaithfuflness. I have always wondered if he is gay. He doesn't fit the sterotype of a gay person. I know there are men that do not act or look gay, and they are gay anyway so it still could be the answer. He doesn't like women really , and I truly believe this!! When I first met him it was right after I separated from my husband of 21 years. I met him at a lounge in Charlotte, NC. He just happened to live in the same town as myself. We would talk on the phone and meet at this club on Saturday nights for several weeks. He would have to have at least 6 beers before he would even come over and talk to me. As we progressed in this new relationship, eventually we had sex. After he would be loaded on alcohol he was a different person and was very sexual. The other times we would be together sexually when there was no alcohol involved, he would have sex occasionally but he was cold and not affectionate during these times. He would sometimes actually be almost violent. He never hit me, but looking back on it all now, I feel violated to a degree. I was not equipped to handle something like this. It was so abnormal. Again, when I would ask what is going on with you, he would always say he didn't know. Eventually we came to a point 8 years ago that it was all to much of a hassel and the sex stopped completely. We just remained friends to a point. He lived here with me and we were just like roomates. The thing is he told me he was impotent by this time and this was the reason there was no more sex at all. He still said we were a couple and we never had any understanding that others could be in our relationship. I know I have been stupid here. To put up with this all of these years shows how co dependent I have been. The thing is, I had already been through a divorce and just felt I didn't want to go out and meet another person and start all over again. I was willing to just settle for a platonic relationship with him. Still, if he was able to have sex I expected it to be with me. I have a great job and I am very independent in my professional career, but not with my emotional life. I am told by all my friends that I am still very attractive. This woman is a hag and a slut. What in this world would make a man do a thing like this?? I have talked to many friends on this. After I tell them all of this, and all of the past, people think he is gay. They think he will not admit this and they think that he went to this woman to try and prove something to himself. I wish I could just let all of this go. I would never take him back after this, and this is just the way I am. He has betrayed our friendship, yet there is a part of me that wants so much to understand what has happened here. If anyone has ever known of a situation like this I would appreciate a response. Thanks so much. It would be better if you started your own thread, hun. You'll get more help for YOU and not interfere with Teag's need for support at the same time.
RecordProducer Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Blondelexus, you're new here so you probably didn't know that it's better for you if you start a new thread and it's the rule after all. Do you by chance make good money while your ex-boyfriend is unemployed or something like that? It sounds to me like financial interest was what kept him with you all these years. He doesn't necessarily have to be gay; he can simply be frigid.
Author Teag Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 So what did you do to this girl to teach her a lesson? 8th April 2006 7:36 PM lol, I am so not a fighter, but I bet she learned her lesson not to ever mess w/ another married man again. She's lucky my H kept pulling me off her & I'm surprised she has any hair left. (about the only thing I could grab) (w/ my pregnant self) One good thing that has come out of this he has been spending alot more time w/ our daughter than he normally does. We've been fighting for a long time, and its mainly about his drinking, he doesn't really want to give it up but he says he's willing to do it for me, but I"m not sure this is good enough. He's staying over at his friends house but luckily I have a spy now so I know what goes on. He's suppose to come over tonight & we're suppose to talk about things. I'm going to give him the option of coming home b/c we're not making ANY progress w/ him staying there, right now he's enjoying his freedom. But I'm going to make him make his choice tonight. Either me or his partying, the choice is his but if he chooses the partying then he doesn't need to expect me to just wait on him while he does his own thing. I have access to everything, the cell phones are in my name, I actually got the bill in yesterday & looked over it today. He talked to her 52 times since 3/12. He swears this was the first time he's "hung out with her" other than when he went to meet her for weed ect.... I mean he SWEARS. BUT I looked over his phone bill & on 3/30/06 he talked to her 15 times that day. 15 TIMES.... and that night he "got too drunk to come home" & he stayed the night over at his friends which makes me wonder if she came over. I want to believe him so bad but he's been lying to me for so long its so hard o believe anything he's says. He seems to be being more honest about what he's doing right now but I don't know that. Her number isn't on his phone after I caught him. You don't know how bad I want to go to her work & pay her alittle visit. I wouldn't be so hard on her IF she didn't know he was married but she knows me & I've talked to her before when they worked together, she has talked & played WITH MY DAUGHTER. It is just so hard to let it go & move on. He says its hard for him to be around me b/c every time he comes around I cry & he hates to see me so sad all the time & knowing he's the reason I'm so sad. & I just want to scream at him & ask well then why did you do it. He would never hit me but I always thought he would hit me before he would cheat on me, THATS how much I trusted him & now that trust is completely gone. We do have a marriage counseling appt. Friday & I'm really hoping things work out, but Ijust have a feeling he really doesn't want to change, he's going to try for me but deep down he doesn't want to which will just cause problems for us in the future. I'm so torn.
zarathustra Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Good luck Teag. I wish you and your kids well. As per the drinking, you are right. I don't think its good enough to quit a habit for someone else. It needs to be done for one own self. He says its hard for him to be around you because you cry and he's the reason that you are so sad. Yes. He is the reason and and he needs to take responsibility and be there for you, not to cower away at a friend's house.
Author Teag Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 He's suppose to come over tonight so we can talk. I told him yesterday that its about time he come home considering we aren't resolving anything w/ him over there. well I asked him if he was staying or leaving tonight, he said he's probably leaving. Ya know I'm really tired of this s***. He's the one who cheated but I feel like I'm the one begging him to come home. He was prety much beging last week to come home & when I finally tell him he can, he doesn't want to. He says he has issues with me too. Yeah we've had alot of problems but he needs to change a hell of alot more than I do. Tonight is the night, he's either going to choose me or his partying lifestyle, I'm sick of it. But I'm just afraid tonight when I talk to him I won't go through with it & I hate that. This is tearing me apart.
zarathustra Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Teag, once you determine what you need, you will do the right thing for yourself... I'm sure of that. You are strong and you are one classy lady! I am so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I hope that you will get the results you want from your H... whatever that may be and from that you will gain happiness. Regarding, his issues with you, ask him how he intends to deal with those issues and how you can deal with them if he's not around to see you address them? Don't let him turn the tables on you. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. I, myself, am in the process of working with my H on our relationship. But when I chose to be back with him, I chose to be there to work with him on the issues we have with one another. I am also healing from the pain that an xMM has caused in my life too.
Author Teag Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Zarathusta- Thank you He came over last night & he took a nap. After he got up he played with our daughter 7 after we put her to bed we talked for a long time. We decided it would be best if we waited til after our first marriage counseling appt. for him to come home. I told him we weren't resolving anything w/ him over there & he was like well when everything first happened you didn't want me home til after we went to counseling & I was upset. But I started thinking about it & I just don't want to not get any of our issues resolved & start living like nothing happened & 6 months down the road we are back in this same position. He made the point that we have been talking about our problems more w/in the past week than we have our entire relationship. Which we have & I told him I felt like the only reason he didn't want to come home was b/c he wanted to live the party life & that he was trying to forget his problems. He told me that all they do during the week is drink alittle, smoke & play cards. He was like now this past weekend I"m not going to lie to you, I went out & got drunker than I should have & I didn't think about things. He said if you think I'm just over there having a great time not thinking about anything your wrong. All I think about is you, I feel horrible for what I did to you & I talk about you ALL the time. "Best friend" is probably sick of hearing me talk. & we had a good talk & talked for about 2 hours. We sat for a while & he just hugged me, I finally let him kiss me on the lips(just a small kiss) which I haven't been letting him do. I told him even when he did move back in we couldn't do anything w/out a condom until his test results came back. Although I do believe he never slept with her, I can't take that chance not w/ a baby growing inside of me. But I'm hoping everything will be ok. I fell alittle better after talking to him last night, but I miss him so much. On a happier note, I went to the dr. today & while the dr. was listening to my baby's heartbeat he kicked the dr. it was funny & cute. I guess he didn't like it. lol Thanks everyone & keep it coming. I'll keep you updated.
Annacabana Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I wouldn't have sex with him until the tests come back. For one, condoms are not 100 percent and you can get herpes and HPV even if you use a condom.
ali0812 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I am so sorry you are going through something like this. Your story made me cry. I dont see how any person can hurt someone they love that much. And you are pregnant!! Has he talked about that? He should be excited and worried about your new baby rather then going to bars and hanging out and partying. I will say a prayer for you and hopefully he will grow up and start being a real father and hopefully a husband... If its not too hard to forgive him.
Author Teag Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Thanks, I haven't thoght about the other stuff you can get even w/ a condom. I just really do believe he didn't sleep with her but you can't ever be too safe. We've some time together although he hasn't come home & have been getting along great. I just can't wait to go to counseling & get everything out in the open, & hopefully get some things resolved. I'm on my way to forgiving him but its something that I'll never forget. I just want to move on but its so hard, and I'm trying so hard but when you keep replaying everything in your head it makes it that much harder. But if it ever happens again that will be it, no matter how hard it is I won't take him back a 2nd time. Thanks again for the support.
KIMBERLYS Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 My heart goes out to you T. While reading your post it only dug up the same old feeling I am still dealing with today, almost four years later. You see I went to rehab and while I couldnt leave this sober living community, I caught my husbands answering machine having a message on it from a girl he worked with. I confronted him. Ends up they did it once, in my bed. She was 10 years younger. I couldnt leave to kill her. Ouch. As it went I haunted the girl who denied the whole thing even after my own husband told me they did it, for about two years. Sickining, I still look for her, I still want to see her. I am not a fighter, but I would. Let me tell you what a counselor told me. Yes, it hurts. No doubt about it, however it wasnt done TO You. It's not about you. It is about your husband. He has the issue. By no means take it personal. The part of us that takes it personal is our ego. I know, strange but true. Men arent wired emotionally like we are. It may seem so at times. For instance, I have never completely gotton over this affair it took me back to using right away (unfortunatly) I think it has ruined my marriage. Time has really been good for the pain. Currently we dont know where our marriage is though. As a matter of fact, I dont really want him, but the thought of seeing him with another women kills me. Well I was told, it is not me it is killing. It is my ego. Go to http://www.deoxy.org and read the page about the ego. Very interesting. I want you to know you are not the only one, and this is making you stronger and all of that other b.s. you dont really want to hear. But in time sweetie, you will look back and ask yourself how in the hell you got through this one.
KIMBERLYS Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I wrote a quick message. I am new to this replying stuff. Hope you got the message.
Author Teag Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 I wrote a quick message. I am new to this replying stuff. Hope you got the message. Thank you , I did get the message & thanks for sharing your experiance. We went to marriage counseling today & he wasn't THAT open but he did do better than I thought he would. We didn't et too terrible far & talked mainly about his anger issues. He doesn't want to talk about the affair to anyone & is pretty much trying to forget about it. He doesn't know why he did it, she said he very well may not that sometimes those things kinda sneak on you w/out realizing it. He hasn't had any contact with her since & I'm just thankful he didn't go as far as sleeping with her, if he had I don't think I could reconcile with him. He's moving back into the house on Sunday so we'll see how things go from there. Thank you for replying and I hope things start going better for you.
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