mopar crazy Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 If this M ends it's not b/c of his A three years ago, it's b/c of his damn accusations of me having an A! We were seperated and going through a D at the time (but talking about reconciling but he was still seeing the OW). B4 my H A he always accussed me of having an A. I couldn't go out w/ friends w/o hearing 50 questions about who I talked to, who bought me drinks, who I flirted w/ and he even came right out and asked me who I slept w/! I got to the point where I didn't even want to go out anymore b/c I got so tired of being accussed of screwing around. Last night I went to spend a few hours w/ my sister and her family. Bil had a friend over. H called me and he heard bil friend talking and asked who it was. I wasn't going to sit there and explain, I just told him whom was all there. They say the one that does all the accussing is the one f'in around. H always accussed me of having an A even shortly after we were M. His A happened 11 years into our M. I don't think he is screwing around right now. He is either at home, work, or our children are w/ him so I know that he can't be screwing around. If he is having an EA w/ someone I don't see any signs of that either. Once I asked him WTH he is always accussing me of having an A. He has said it's b/c of my past (several lovers which I'm not proud of BUT it's my past), thinks I can do better than him, and just stupid crap of the like. About 5 or 6 years ago my ex-lover (first love) emailed me out of the blue. He found my name on a HS alumni site. It was innocent emails but then they became more sexual (on his side) so I told him it needed to stop, I was getting uncomfortable. We were both M. Shortly after that our emails and Im's stopped. In one of my emails I started it off w/ "Hi sexy!" I know it was wrong, and I apologized my a$$ off to H and I told him I wasn't thinking. I told him I was stupid and I regretted it. But he was accussing me of cheating B4 my ex-lover even contacted me. I can't even sit on the internet and have him look over my shoulder wondering who I'm talking to. What more can I say to him? It's obivious he doesn't trust me.
RecordProducer Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 Looks who's talking! He who actually cheated on you and almost ruined your family because of his affair! :mad: He doesn't trust you cuz he doesn't trust himself. If I were you I'd tell him: "Next time when you accuse me of infidelity ,I'll go out and f*ck someone for real - at least I will know WHY you're accusing me then! Shut the F up and don't get ME start about YOUR infidelity please! One more word and I am throwing you out in the street." Then go out and have wild sex with someone - get back at him for his affair!
Author mopar crazy Posted April 8, 2006 Author Posted April 8, 2006 Looks who's talking! He who actually cheated on you and almost ruined your family because of his affair! :mad: He doesn't trust you cuz he doesn't trust himself. If I were you I'd tell him: "Next time when you accuse me of infidelity ,I'll go out and f*ck someone for real - at least I will know WHY you're accusing me then! Shut the F up and don't get ME start about YOUR infidelity please! One more word and I am throwing you out in the street." Then go out and have wild sex with someone - get back at him for his affair! LOL RP! Love the advice but the last thing I would do is have an A. I have seen way too much hurt it causes and it's not worth it, even though he is being a pr!ck about all this. I hate to admit it but today I did tell him if he doesn't shut the F up and stop accussing me of an A I WILL have one just so he will shut up and stop accussing me of something I haven't done. He didn't say a word. Maybe I need to turn the tables around and start accussing HIM of another A. I have more reasons to distrust him than he does me. But will that solve anything? Probably not.
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 He is feeling the guilt I think more now and is reflecting it on you. Like a mirror effect...Either he is doing something he shouldn't be doing again or he is unhappy with himself. I don't know what else to tell ya, something is going on inside his head and messing with him. Hopefully he'll talk it out when he's ready. Just keep reaffirming your love for him. Maybe he thinks you are thinking of ending the marriage?
Author mopar crazy Posted April 8, 2006 Author Posted April 8, 2006 He is feeling the guilt I think more now and is reflecting it on you. Like a mirror effect...Either he is doing something he shouldn't be doing again or he is unhappy with himself. I don't know what else to tell ya, something is going on inside his head and messing with him. Hopefully he'll talk it out when he's ready. Just keep reaffirming your love for him. Maybe he thinks you are thinking of ending the marriage? WWIU, it could be guilt from his A. And if it's not all b/c of h is A it could be that he isn't happy w/ himself. He doesn't act like he has low self-esteem but maybe deep down he does have those issues. Either way I just wish he would stop accussing me. I honestly can't deal with it anymore. It's just getting worse. His jealousy is driving me nuts. As for thinking about ending the M, the thought has crossed my mind b/c of his mistrust. I can no longer live in a M were I'm always being accused of cheating. It's kind of ironic how HE was the one that screwed around and I don't question him all the time but I get accussed all the time. RP, don't know if it will work every time but it did this time, lol.
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I think maybe he really needs to talk to someone professionally about his issues. Mention to him that if he isn't willing to talk to you about, then you'd like it if he talked to someone else. Just explain to him that HIS actions and his jealously issues are getting out of hand and making your life hell, that you can't take much more of it and he's hurting your heart. Make him understand HOW you feel, don't accuse him, just show him your feelings. Maybe that will snap him out of it!
Sal Paradise Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I agree its guilt. The only way for him to handle the guilt is to assume you have done the same thing. Thus washing his hands of how rotten he feels for what he did (or could still be doing). Some of it could be ego as well. He assumes since he is weak you also must be weak.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Weirdly enough Mopar.... It sounds like Insecurity to me. I know that you're the betrayed spouse, but it looks like he's the one with the insecurities. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that you two have still been having some problems. It wasn't too long ago that you were posting about financial concerns afterall. Maybe he's just worried that he doesn't deserve you and that you're going to eventually leave him. He's got a history of cheating during your separation, and maybe some feelings of inadaquacy on the money issues. It could be that he's thinking he's no 'prize pig' right about now. He could be looking for reassurance.
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 he isn't happy w/ himself. He doesn't act like he has low self-esteem but maybe deep down he does have those issues.I've seen self-confident men insecure about their partner's faithfulness just as I've seen total wimps totally confident that they are irreplaceable! Perhaps your hubby is thinking to himself: "Oh, my, what if she gets back at me for my affair... I certainly deserved it! "
xotiicbronze Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 i'm in the same boat as you...i have no frikkin idea and it's itching me as if a mosquito bit me. damn mosquitos they bug the s*** outta me.
Author mopar crazy Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 Thanks! I had another talk w/ H about this. He admitted that he is worried since he had an A I would have one just to get back at him. I told him I wouldn't do that, and I wont. I have seen way too many hurt come from A's and I couldn't do that. Our M may not be the greatest but I couldn't do that to him.
Guest Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Hey Mopar - StrivingtoSucceed here, on sisters computer today, so not logged on ... sorry to see that you are going through this. I think it definitely has to do more with his insecurities than guilt at this point. You don't throw his past A in his face everday, so there is no hounding him that is making him feel the guilt three years later. He's a man and has to act tough. When women are insecure we show it by asking detailed questions and, for the most part, telling our SO we are insecure. When men are insecure they seem to act more "manly." God forbid someone accuse them of being a wimp, or something like that. As we all know, normal everyday struggles add up. For someone who has an addiction they use that addiction deal with those struggles. I don't see any posts lately that show he has started drinking again, but maybe he is on the verge and insecure with his ability to cope? If he is insecure with himself, he probably thinks that you might be considering leaving him. Those insecurities are making him think that he isn't good enough for you. I don't know if you get mad, or upset with him when he accusses you or not. But, maybe if you just start responding by reassuring him that it isn't something you would ever do, you love him, etc., and then continue responding that way for quite awhile ... never getting mad, or upset at him for accusing you. You know you didn't, and aren't doing anything. He knows it too. But this just may be his way of letting you know that he is insecure, since he can't communicate to you any other way.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Hi, Mopar - Just posted a response as a guest, but it wouldn't take it??? So, I've logged in now. I think it has to do more with his insecurity overall that he is acting like he is and accusing you. Do you respond by getting mad at him, by blowing it off, or by reassuring him you aren't going anywhere?
Author mopar crazy Posted April 15, 2006 Author Posted April 15, 2006 Hi, Mopar - Just posted a response as a guest, but it wouldn't take it??? So, I've logged in now. I think it has to do more with his insecurity overall that he is acting like he is and accusing you. Do you respond by getting mad at him, by blowing it off, or by reassuring him you aren't going anywhere? Hey Striving, how ya doing? It depends on my mood how I react. At times I get pissed and tell him to stop accussing me of an A when I'm not having one, other times I take light of it and say "Like I have time to have an A." Sometimes I walk away and blow it off. And there are times where I have told him if he doesn't shut up I WILL have an A. I don't know how else to assure him I'm not going anywhere. However, if this crap doesn't stop I will go somewhere, to a D attorney. He really has the nerve to have an A and then turn around and accusse me of having one. That's the way he is.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Have you tried reassuring him by telling him you would never do that to him, you love him and are in this for the long haul? He's using your past as an excuse to blame you, or try to bring you down on his level. You know that. He does not think that he deserves you. Not only b/c of his A, but b/c of all the other issues involved that are on-going in his life that you, as his wife, are aware of. You know everything bad about him. How can you possibly still love him? I know you said you don't think he has a low self-esteem, I think he is showing you he does with these types of actions. I think I saw a thread awhile back where you mentioned he had started drinking again. Has that stopped? And another poster said that there were some financial issues too recently? If so, he is probably feeling really down on himself right now ... which is why he can't see why you are with him. Out of curiosity, as I can't remember from our PMs, but is he on any type of medication for depression, etc.? My H would be the last to tell anyone that he suffers from depression, but I have to say, it has made a big difference in my Hs disposition since they switched him to another medication. Of course, he still has his ups/downs, but they are less severe. Instead of responding by walking away, joking, or getting mad, maybe you should try to ONLY show physical affection for him at those times in addition to the words letting you know you love him. I say only, b/c for one, men typically seem to be hard-headed when it comes to stuff like this even when it is right there in their face. I also say only b/c if you go back and forth (even though it is frustrating for you), it could be giving him different signals and confusing him at this point in his life when he is probably over-whelmed with self-doubts about himself. BTW - I am doing pretty good. Had a little set-back last week, but we worked it all out and I realized I needed to stop jumping to conclussions. We're definitely on the right path. Although, that isn't to say that something won't happen that will set me off again at some point in the future ... even as much as I understand what happened, it still doesn't stop the fear sometimes. Not that it can happen again, but the fear of the pain that comes with it.
Author mopar crazy Posted April 19, 2006 Author Posted April 19, 2006 Hey Striving! Sorry to hear about your set back. Glad it worked out. I know how hard it is not to jump to conclusions, been there done that too. Things here are going ok. H pulled a stupid one last week. I never asked him why he did it b/c I didn't want to seem like a total nag. My BF called me the other night to keep me updated on things down where she lives (where H and I lived b4 the A). She told me she seen the exOW's name in the paper for collection. The next week H showed me the capital city newspaper and showed me that exOW filed bankruptcy. Don't know if he thought I would find it funny, I didn't. He reads that paper from cover to cover so of course he couldn't miss that one. I guess he feels comfortable enough to show me crap like that. My first loves 40th bday picture was in the paper a few years ago. He seen it b4 I did and he handed it to me and showed me it. If I would of seen it first I wouldn't of shown him, what is the point? The only thing I can think of why he showed me is b/c I would get a kick out of seeing her under the bankruptcy page....I didn't. Who knows how his mind works sometimes. Hope all is well.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 19, 2006 Posted April 19, 2006 Because he is a man? B/c of something my H said that he thought would make me feel better I had a tough week. If you read my recent thread you will see where I am coming from on that one. I think when your H saw that in the paper, he probably thought to himself ... look what she got herself into, glad I'm not with her, or something along those lines. I think he showed it to you b/c he wanted to share it with you. It is, after all, part of your past. And, even though when WE bring it up it is b/c WE can't let it go, when they bring it up it is o.k. Why? B/c to them it is over and they are showing (they think) that they are comfortable enough with our R as it is and THINK (again) that by showing/sharing with us these types of things that it proves they are with us 100%. Make a lot of sense? Not to us, but it seems it does to them. Go figure.
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