Husband Scared Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I have been married for 12 years, one child, and I love my wife very much. She is the only person for me. She loves me but that may not be enough. She had what she calls a bad experience when she was out of town on buisness. She was 'forced' into a sexual encounter that she 'didn't want'. The aftermath left a lot of damage for the guy, and for us. She lied to me about the whole thing, but in an email to a friend she said 'five minutes of f***ing wasn't worth it'. That doesn't sound like a 'forced' encounter. She also has never refered to it as rape. It was only after I found the email, and repeated what was in it, did she even admit it happened. Since then thing have gotten worse. She is online all the time, and flirts with guys and girls. She has asked some people about hooking her up with someone. She sent pictures of her boobs to some guy. She has email accounts she doens't think I know about and deletes emails as quickly as possible. Anytime I say anything she gets defensive or tries to turn it into me being parinoid. Part of my problem is I haven't admited to her how much I know. I don't want to loose my ability to gather info. What do I do? I think its a mater of time before something else happens. I have told her two things. Tell me the truth, and don't have an affair. I just don't see how it will work out. I am open to any suggestions. I am just scared of loosing her or pushing her into an affair. She might think, I'm being blamed for it anyway, might as well do it. Help!
SoleMate Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Ummmmm...I don't think you need to worry about "pushing her into an affair", because she already went there without any pushes from you. I agree that there is no realistic reason to call it "rape". Best bet, if you want to try to save this marriage, is to cruise on over to marriagebuilders.com and check out Plan A from Dr. Harley Willard. Lots of detail there that I am not going to repeat here. Good luck.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Hi there! It doesn't look good what you've described so far. I'd say that she's looking for an extramarital affair, if she isn't already in one. Several things come to mind: First, you must confront her with how much you know. Be honest if you'd like her to be honest with you. Then, you need to decide if the marriage is worth saving ... because it will take sincere efforts from both parties! If you do decide to save the marriage, check out the website that solemate suggested, but also schedule for regular marriage counselling. You both need it badly. What I see from your post is a very common scenario: the husband who thinks that the marriage is all fine and dandy while the wife senses otherwise. I have been married 10 years. I am not happy, but my husband thinks that everything is fine, that it's the best marriage he knows. Good luck.
Bryanp Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Apparently your wife has no boundaries. She contacts other men online and asks people to hook her up after her short sexual affair. Clearly she has no respect for you and continues to think you are a fool. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? Clearly she considers you a doormat and enjoys trying to hook up with other men. Are you going to wait until you get an STD? It seems she figures she can hook up with other men and tell you weird stories and you will accept everything she says. I would contact an attorney to understand your options and make it clear that any further cheating will result in a divorce. Clearly she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
jonesgirly Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Scared: You must feel so frustrated and scared right now. However, the posters are correct (especially BryanP) - your wife is already treating you and your marriage with great disrespect. Become a person she should respect - expect that your wife and/or ANYONE should treat you with more personal regard. I would think that her behavior has already surpassed your limit of acceptable. Don't grovel and beg her not to have an affair. That will only let her know that you will 'be there' no matter how she treats you. EXPECT respect from your wife and others. Disallow any other treatment.
cuckolded husband Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I have been married for 12 years, one child, and I love my wife very much. She is the only person for me. She loves me but that may not be enough. She had what she calls a bad experience when she was out of town on buisness. She was 'forced' into a sexual encounter that she 'didn't want'. The aftermath left a lot of damage for the guy, and for us. She lied to me about the whole thing, but in an email to a friend she said 'five minutes of f***ing wasn't worth it'. That doesn't sound like a 'forced' encounter. She also has never refered to it as rape. It was only after I found the email, and repeated what was in it, did she even admit it happened. Since then thing have gotten worse. She is online all the time, and flirts with guys and girls. She has asked some people about hooking her up with someone. She sent pictures of her boobs to some guy. She has email accounts she doens't think I know about and deletes emails as quickly as possible. Anytime I say anything she gets defensive or tries to turn it into me being parinoid. Part of my problem is I haven't admited to her how much I know. I don't want to loose my ability to gather info. What do I do? I think its a mater of time before something else happens. I have told her two things. Tell me the truth, and don't have an affair. I just don't see how it will work out. I am open to any suggestions. I am just scared of loosing her or pushing her into an affair. She might think, I'm being blamed for it anyway, might as well do it. Help! There is now way keeping her from cheating if she wants to. I know how you feel wife had PA at work best thing in my opinion is tell that you have the things that you have on her and bust her bubble and give the choice me or leave. Be strong and don't fool around what happens when 10 more years go by and a few more kids? I would say RUN>>>>>>
Kenyth Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Sounds to me like Humpty Dumpty has already fallen. No use trying to balance him now. Your best bet at this point is full disclosure and leaving. Get your affairs in order, get your own car and sell the jointly owned one if possible, get a lawyer arranged, etc. Figure out child support and drop a check for month number one in her lap as you leave or take custody, whichever you both decide. A combination one-two reality check might wake her up, but I think this is over. She has no remorse, and no regrets. Whatever you do, don't give her financial support or security. The married life goes along with you. If she can't handle her obligations, you'll be happy to take your child. If you want out, you better have an exit plan.
zarathustra Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Sorry to hear your pain, Scared... I really am. I think that her actions are yelling at you what she isn't willing to say to you. I think that she is disrespecting you by not really giving your marriage a shot. Anyway, take good care and do what is best for you, not what's best for your partnership with your W as she isn't putting in her share of effort. Good luck, my friend.
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