Broken wife needs OW input!

[NevertheOWjusttheW]

I want to say that I know that ending up in a relationship with a MM was never your intention, it just happens. I so think it is probably more the H fault, as he has the raging testerone in his body.

 

I just want all the OW out there to hear the Wifes side of the story.

 

So, I didnt think he was chating on me. I knw we had problems, but who doesnt?

 

Then she came into our lives. Or shall I say HE brought her into our lives. I know it was him, all him. BUT, she could have said no, as she is married too.

 

I just cried my heart out in the shower. I asked God why I have to go through this. What is it I have to learn? I know things always happen for a reason.

 

We have a marriage, they (my H & his mistress) dont. We have children, they dont. We have a house, they dont. We have car payments, they dont.

 

I really dont blame her. I am not married to her. I am married to him. She did not betry me, he did. She did not have any responsibilites to me, he did.

 

So, I guess my question is, why does she still try to contact him? Even after he told her it was a mistake, and he really loves me. He cant hurt me anymore, he wants to make me happy again.

 

No, I dont know 100% that he is not talking to her. I am not with him 24/7. I do check his emails, he does not know I cracked his passwords. Nothing to or from her.

 

I take everything he says to me with a grain of salt. BUT, if she really cares about him, wouldnt she want him to be happy, even if it is not with her?

 

Why cant she leave him alone?

 

I cry all the time because I feel I am competing with OW. My children have even asked thier dad if he was cheating on Mom. It was that obvious to them.

OW - Please, I beg you, give me some insight to your world. Let me know what he says when he is with you. I dont blame you at all, does that make me the stupidest wife in the world or what?

[penkitten]

she doesnt leave him alone because she doesnt want to.

[Sami_D]

Hello.

 

How are they staying in contact, if not by email? How do you know they're still in contact... does he tell you?

 

However it is, it's more than likely he's telling her he wants to hear her voice, or see her, or 'remain friends' or something. He probably does, for whatever reason ~ ego, or genuine affection, or habit, or fear or something.

 

I don't know many (any) OW who stay in contact with a MM who has said categorically that he no longer wants to hear from her. Usually that's a nail in the coffin. There's always some kind of attempt by the MM (and often, forceful, not giving in at all!) to keep in contact with the OW.

 

Read some of the stories here to see what I mean.

 

I am sure Owl will be along with his stellar advice on keeping your H in check and stamping out the affair, if possible.

[whichwayisup]

We have a marriage, they (my H & his mistress) dont. We have children, they dont. We have a house, they dont. We have car payments, they dont.

 

For him, it's fantasy. Everything is good - No day in and day out routine, it's so easy and light. Nice ego feed for him...To have his cake and eat it too. Have the comforts of home, you and the kids, life is great! When he feels like it he can go to his OW and get some for himself, be even more selfish. For her, I'm sure she is just going to take as much as she can get from him.

 

Is she married? Or seeing someone? If so, TELL her spouse/boyfriend! Or tell her parents if she is young and still living at home. Expose the affair, that way it's out in the open and will be harder to hide if he is seeing her again.

 

Take a read of some of the OW posts in this section. I'm not a OW or BS (betrayed spouse), but I have read enough posts to know that if you want your marriage, FIGHT for it and also MAKE him come clean with you 100%. Any lies will make it worse. YOU need the truth and all of it. Not bits and pieces as he sees fit.

 

Go to marriage counselling, find out WHY he chose to cheat, instead of fix whatever problems he felt that may have caused his frame of mind. This is not your fault. He was the one who cheated. Bad and stupid mistake.

 

He has to make things right again with you and be an open book. He has to go into NC (no contact) mode with her forever. no calls, no emails, no seeing eachother, ever. That is the deal. And together you both can send her ONE final email to let her know their affair is over and if she contacts your husband again charge her with harrassment.

[CeeJayXX]

I think the main points have been nailed here. I have been an OW for three years. If he told me tomorrow it was done, I would walk away without speaking another word to him or W etc.

 

You ask what he says.....

 

My MM says his marriage is fine but at a stage in life that isn't as "youthful" as life once was. The excitement that was once there has turned into two friends living together. The small piece of life that we share together is (as he says) what life was like after just being married.

 

I don't think you are the stupidest W for leaving blame just on H and not on OW....but you are right that she could have walked away and not taken part in any of it.

 

OW's don't want to walk away from MM's because of the close attention they get. It's the "perfect life scenario" that we will never be able to call ours and truly have it.

[Blind Illusion]

What makes you think that they are still talking? You mentioned the emails not showing any sign and I think that would be one of the places they would go after exposure.

 

Speaking personally, I don't think I would make a nuisance of myself if he was moving on and keep trying repeatedly to contact him no matter how I feel about him. If anything, I would email him one last time, perhaps if we ended strangely or ambiguously and see if he replied in any way.

[zarathustra]

OW - Please, I beg you, give me some insight to your world. Let me know what he says when he is with you. I dont blame you at all, does that make me the stupidest wife in the world or what?

 

First and formost, please don't even question if you are the stupidest wife in the world.

 

When my MM was with me, he would tell me how bad the marriage was. That his W is verbally abusive. Use his insecurities against him. Then he kept telling me how amazing I was. How I understand him, etc.

 

Imagine when that person turns around and tells you that he can no longer see you, that he loves his W, this W who is supposedly so bad to him, its really hard to understand the logic.

 

Anyway, I think if she is really contacting him, its because she is really confused as to what's going on. When my xMM told me that he was going to try to get back together with his W, I respected that. I had to let him go. I had no choice. I've died a few deaths in the process, and while I question his sanity if what he told me was true about the emotional abuse his wife was inflicting, I think its better that his kids have a full time dad. The only thing is that I wish he does not flaunt his happiness in my face which is what he has done. Its like twisting a knife after he's stuck it in my heart... correction... its like giving it another push into my heart and then twisting it.

[lovernotafighter]

I to agree with everyone here...

 

if MM asked me to leave him alone I would respect that and do so...there is something your husband isn't telling you my friend.

 

he is either stringing her along to get her to contact him or he has NOT told her a damn thing and the affair is in full swing...trust us..none of us OW will not walk on a MM if he tells us to do so

[My_Other_I]

Why can't she leave him alone?

 

From of my experience - because he is leading her on. He might tell you one thing and do different.

 

If he was straight and clear with her she would not contact him.

 

Like I said, this is just my experience. I hope yours is different.

[Jessie61]

OW - Please, I beg you, give me some insight to your world. Let me know what he says when he is with you. I dont blame you at all, does that make me the stupidest wife in the world or what?

 

 

First of all, you are NOT the most stupid wife in the world! I have to say that you have been incredible in all of this. You have behaved with great dignity, generosity and strength. I was (am?) an OW but years ago I was a cheated party and I felt no anger towards the other girl; she had not made any promises to me, but HE had.... You can hold you head high!

 

Now to your question about why the OW won't leave your H alone... I have been an OW for over 2 years, but for more than a year now I have been trying to leave the A. I was brutally honest with my MM from the start; I am not mistress material and I will not wait indefinitively for him. He understood and always maintained that he would leave the W. More than a year ago I just could not bear the pain of it anymore and I said that I wanted out. Since then we have had what seems like 4 million break ups with me asking him to leave me alone and him breaking the NC with more and more promises...

 

Would I leave HIM alone if he told me he was trying to rescue the marriage? Yes, you bet! All he would need to do is say the word and I would be gone like a shot.

 

No, I am not saying that your H is necessarily still persuing the OW like my MM has been persuing me, BUT is it possible that he has not given her a clear message? He needs to tell her that it is O-V-E-R and there can be NO contact whatsoever between them - not for any reason. He needs to be clear to her - and to you.

 

Talk to him.

[target-d]

You aren't the stupidest wife in the world --- except asking for input from the OW on this forum is probably not what you need either. An affair is many times just like an addiction, for both parties.

 

The OW on this forum have all said that they would definitely walk away if the husband said to. That may be true for them, it certainly is not true for many OW. In the course of my life/work I deal with a large number of broken relationships, MM, OW, MW, OM, etc, etc, etc. There are definite patterns.

 

1. The OP and MP are strictly in it for kicks. Neither is attached. When either of those say good-bye, it's taken easily and both move on.

 

2. The OP is in love and the MP is in love. Both are truly in love and attached. When either of those say good-bye, the other will go through a lot of pain, but will make every effort to move on for the good of the other.

 

3. The OP is truly in love and the MP is in lust/control.

if the MP says good-bye, the OP will make every effort to move on.

 

if the OP says good-bye, the MP will REALLY try to pull them back

 

4. The OP is in lust/control and the MP is in love

same as #3, but reversed.

 

5. The OP is in lust/control and the MP is in lust/control

if the MP says good-bye, the OP will often chase and chase not due to love but because they are being denied what they want.

 

If the OP says good-bye, the same goes until they can be back in control again.

 

#5 is also the most common of the relationships, although the least likely to be admitted by either party.

 

What the OW on this forum talk about alot is the MM going on and on after them. Though this does happen sometimes when the MP is CAUGHT in their actions. I have NEVER found it to be true when the MP stops on their own. They have made the choice to quit the relationship. Usually in those circumstances it is the OP that is doing the chasing (but they will make every effort to convince themselves that the MP is chasing/wanting them.)

 

Now, I'm going to say what I always say. Looking for advice is a good thing, but a counsellor is where you need to get it, not from a forum that is devoted to OW/OM. Here you will get additional pain, not help. Try very hard to let go of your pain and move on. Forgiveness is a good thing to exercise. It does not make you a fool, it makes you a wise woman.

[beachrosie]

I want to say that I know that ending up in a relationship with a MM was never your intention, it just happens. I so think it is probably more the H fault, as he has the raging testerone in his body.

 

I just want all the OW out there to hear the Wifes side of the story.

 

So, I didnt think he was chating on me. I knw we had problems, but who doesnt?

 

Then she came into our lives. Or shall I say HE brought her into our lives. I know it was him, all him. BUT, she could have said no, as she is married too.

 

I just cried my heart out in the shower. I asked God why I have to go through this. What is it I have to learn? I know things always happen for a reason.

 

We have a marriage, they (my H & his mistress) dont. We have children, they dont. We have a house, they dont. We have car payments, they dont.

 

I really dont blame her. I am not married to her. I am married to him. She did not betry me, he did. She did not have any responsibilites to me, he did.

 

So, I guess my question is, why does she still try to contact him? Even after he told her it was a mistake, and he really loves me. He cant hurt me anymore, he wants to make me happy again.

 

No, I dont know 100% that he is not talking to her. I am not with him 24/7. I do check his emails, he does not know I cracked his passwords. Nothing to or from her.

 

I take everything he says to me with a grain of salt. BUT, if she really cares about him, wouldnt she want him to be happy, even if it is not with her?

 

Why cant she leave him alone?

 

I cry all the time because I feel I am competing with OW. My children have even asked thier dad if he was cheating on Mom. It was that obvious to them.

OW - Please, I beg you, give me some insight to your world. Let me know what he says when he is with you. I dont blame you at all, does that make me the stupidest wife in the world or what?

 

You really seem like a very nice and good person. I am sorry you are going through this...I really am. But I am certain she would not be staying so much in touch if he didn't have any contact with him. Also, as for email...multiple email addresses are not uncommon, especially if one of them is his home and work account. He could have another on another free website like hotmail, gmail, yahoo, etc. Also he could have a work telephone or another cell phone that he uses.

 

I'm sure he does want to work things out with you, but a problem could be that their relationship is not about sex at all, but about emotions, and feelings and connections. Sometimes people do not choose who they fall in love with...it does just happen.

 

I do hope it works out for you. I feel sad seeing your email as you blame yourself. Perhaps your marriage was having problems long before she entered the picture, and it probably would be best to address those issues first. The OW might just vanish.

[Sami_D]

Also, as for email...multiple email addresses are not uncommon, especially if one of them is his home and work account. He could have another on another free website like hotmail, gmail, yahoo, etc. Also he could have a work telephone or another cell phone that he uses.

 

Good point. MM has his own email at home, but never uses that to talk to me. He uses a Yahoo account that his W wouldn't know about.

[Sami_D]

The OW on this forum have all said that they would definitely walk away if the husband said to. That may be true for them, it certainly is not true for many OW. In the course of my life/work I deal with a large number of broken relationships, MM, OW, MW, OM, etc, etc, etc. There are definite patterns.

 

Well I've been reading several forums devoted to affairs, and I can say that I'd apply the 3% rule to the number of women I've seen who have pursued things once MM has said he wanted out. Lynnered last October rings a bell, though I can't remember exactly how that panned out or the details of it. I just remember her being annoyed that she was dropped off 'like garbage'... but you know, she went NC on him, so maybe I'm misremembering all that.

 

Actually, thinking about it, I can't remember a whole lot of MM who ended it at all. You really need to trawl to find such a story.

 

But you may be right, this might be one of the examples where the MM is being chased by an OW who won't let go... if such a thing really exists.

[NevertheOWjusttheW]

Thank you all for your resonses. Yes, obviously therapy would be best choice, but dont have the $ as insurance wont pay for it. Makes no sense considering all this stress is affecting my health!

 

Asking the "OW" for help is by far no easy chore, but with this forum I know that I will receive honest answers, or seem to. This forum has helped humanize the OW, so I cant look at her as scum. That is by far what my H is.

 

Yes, I found out his yahoo email, found his MSN name (thats how they talked) and all the other crap he hid from me. I guess I was just trying to gain some more insight. I do think he is still talking to her, through IM b/c I keep blocking her name, and it magically comes unblocked.

 

I did hear a voice mail she left...."Hi, its me. Calling to say hi see how you are doing, anyway call me...my # is ...... Oh you know it!"

 

This was AFTER he said he couldnt see her anymore, and she said she understood. I also told my H to tell her if I found out 1 time they contacted e/o that I would tell her husband. (surprise, surprise). He told me he never told her. That was back in Feb. (he said he never called her emailed her back) but I find it hard to believe. I want to tell her Husband so bad, but I am afraid that too much time has passed, and my Husband would leave me if I did. (At this point, I dont know if I care). He does not want to mess up her life. How convient, as they both messed up mine! BUT, I also think it is b/c her Husband is a big guy and could pound the s*** out of him.

 

Anyway, Just venting, maybe wrong forum, but I dont know who,what,when, or where to turn. Sure, my fellow BW can share my pain, but you all can share your experiences in which I can learn from.

[My_Other_I]

 

But you may be right, this might be one of the examples where the MM is being chased by an OW who won't let go... if such a thing really exists.

If nothing else it exists in BW's mind, but only because that's what the MM feeds her.

[Brianschick]

NevertheOWjusttheW ,

 

Listen, I am married and also an OW. First, I'm sorry you have to go through this pain.

I have to say though, you should not be worried about your husband leaving.

Honey, if he was going to leave you he would have done that by now.

He has it good right now. He has you the wife/mother who takes care of home and he has her the girlfriend.

He doesn't want to leave you so don't worry about him leaveing. If anything, he is still seeing her from what you said about the IM.

I think you should expose the affair to her husband. So what if he gives your husband a good butt whopping!.

[Sami_D]

Anyway, Just venting, maybe wrong forum, but I dont know who,what,when, or where to turn. Sure, my fellow BW can share my pain, but you all can share your experiences in which I can learn from.

 

Well yes, you are on the wrong forum. This forum is for support and advice for the OW/OM, and we do get enough sh*t aimed at us already... this kind of post can become a target for more accusations. BUT... we're women too, and NO ONE likes a MM who jerks people around. That includes the W!!!!!!!

 

Have you tried these sites for support (below). Some of the forums can be pretty childish at times... but not everyone who's hurt and bewildered can be as mature as you when they find out their H has been cheating on them. Anyway, they might help in some way:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

 

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

 

ETA: Just wanted to add, I didn't mean to push you off the forum! Just in case that's the impression this post gave!

[silktricks]

But you may be right, this might be one of the examples where the MM is being chased by an OW who won't let go... if such a thing really exists.

 

Oh yeah - they exist. The OW on this forum don't seem to like to believe it, and I believe that most of them would not do it, but that doesn't change the fact that many OW (and probably OM too) can't/won't let go.

 

The OW in my case pursued my H for a year after he told her he wanted no more contact. (and yes, it's true, no he didn't pursue her and yes I know that for a fact.)

 

I know of a few more similar cases. In fact one of them the affair was over 10 YEARS ago, and he still has to have a restraining order against her. (It's the woman (OW) I know, not the man.)

 

Another one I know personally is a woman who when the H broke it off actually broke into their house, and accosted him IN THE BED WITH HIS WIFE and begged him to come back to her. (Again, it's the OW I know).

 

I don't have that much experience, but have three examples immediately (two of them pretty freaky ones). . . . . and those are from the OW in the cases. Also, most of the BS on this forum talk about the OW pursuit. I know that our views can be slanted, but if you think about it, why should we all be stupid and wrong?

 

It's not just the MM/MW - it's definitely their fault the A began, but sometimes when they want it over the OW/OM doesn't.

 

With that said, nevertheowjustthew, the OW forum is not the place for you. It won't give you what you want or need. Please post on the Infidelity, marriage or Coping forums instead.

[Walking away]

Good point. MM has his own email at home, but never uses that to talk to me. He uses a Yahoo account that his W wouldn't know about.

 

 

Exactly the same as me, Sami. A secret yahoo account that she isn't even aware of.

[OzGirl]

I was an OW for nearly 3 years. It only stopped because he got caught.

 

His wife continued the IVF she was on at the time (I was so shocked to know HE was doing this with her, that I would often, literally, vomit at the thought of it - how deeply he had lied to me, her, his kids, you name it), and now she is pregnant.

 

It was just over 6 months ago I last saw him. He has used msn/yahoo to talk to me, public phones, his phone, every method other than face to face. He has, I'm sure, deleted all evidence of contact with me, and I'm assuming his W never knew he still contacted me - even when she was pregnant.

 

I used to hope, and all stages through this, she would contact me. She would have gotten the truth. When it first happened, she would have been told what really went on and been able to guauge HE couldn't just break it off like he'd told her he had. Early on, I would have been hoping the truth shall set him free - to me.

 

But, now, if she wanted the truth, the truth is, he is repulsive by all definitions of the word, and I would have encouraged her to leave him.

 

There are two things you need to consider, even without any evidence of contact between them.

 

Firstly, they were close - physically or emotionally or both. He was prepared to do this at the risk of being caught, so it must have mattered a lot to him to still do it anyway. For the OW, she is prepared to stay with a man who's not attainable because she loves him so much it's neither a big compromise, or she believes the wait will be worth it and that he will leave his W.

 

So, to determine their contact levels now - look at what they had to start with. If he has just cut it off with her - he has abandoned her. She would be wanting an explanation from him, and would be contacting him for that reason, OR, he hasn't done that yet - cut off contact, so she is in contact with him still on a friendly basis.

 

In my case, the MM felt guilty for what he'd done to me - he couldnt' just up and go. He KNEW what we had, and what expectations he'd given me. He just couldn't dissappear, and that's because of the rotten feelings it would have given him about himself to do so - it wasn't about maintaining or building a future with me. It was just to not end the past abruptly.

 

For the record, I don't talk to the MM anymore, and I'm happy about that. But, it's been a long and emotionally unbearable process. Time has let it all fade away and it's still fading, but my feelings of hope and loss have gone. It's still just reconciling lost time and working out for myself now, what do I do now that I have wasted my time in the past not doing.

 

If a my husband did this to me, I don't know what I would do. But, I sure as s*** wouldn't ask him to tell me what happened and what he's going to do about it. He's just spent a long time lying to me without me detecting it and he is clearly practiced at that. Asking him to tell me the truth would be stupid.

 

I would ring the OW before I spoke to him. Having been one and knowing what I do, I believe they want the wife to know the truth, either because they hope it will make the wife leave the H freeing up the MM, or, they will tell her what a repulsive piece of crap he is and give examples why (ie, contacting the OW whilst the wife is still suffering the wake of the discovery).

 

Ironically, I hate being lied to, and it's because of this I was with a MM - I believed everything he said. Knowing what we did, and the diluted version his wife has been told by him, I don't think I could trust my H again if this happened to me as a W.

 

So, the choice would be - to trust him or not. My opinion might be a bit hard-nosed, but I don't need anyone to make me feel worthy of a happy a life. It's something I give myself. And, lack of trust is something that no matter how upset I was, if I thought I couldn't rebuild it, then I wouldn't bother. In the same time it would take to gain your trust back in him (and that's only a maybe you will, maybe you won't), you could have moved on, got used to a new, independant life, and THEN assessed if he's worth going BACK to.

 

My guess is that with you not around - he'd be all over the OW like flies on s***. I don't think what they have would be long-lasting, but it would be clear on who he will always think of first.

 

Himself.

[Sami_D]

Well silktricks, we can never know the truth of these relationships or what was said or promised to any party. As I said in my earlier post, there probably is a small percentage of OW (deranged, delusional, driven out of their head by lying MM) who would continue to pursue a MM after he's categorically stated that he no longer wants anything to do with the OW (not 'oh babe I love you, maybe we'll be together someday but i have to work on rebuilding my M with this shrew of a woman I'm with... think of me often' bleh bleh - usual BS).

 

But there just aren't the numbers that are spoken about by BWs. And the majority of the time, the BW continues to be lied to, the MM continues to contact the OW and then blame her for 'pursuing him' when the BW finds out about this continued contact.

 

MM are conflict-avoiders. And they will tell the woman they're with at the time just exactly what they need to keep her believing in him and to get out of responsibility and a tight spot. 'It's HER!' is exactly how they run their lives... 'her' being (at different times) the horrible W, or the deranged OW.

 

Continuing to put the blame on unreasonable OW who just won't let it go detracts from the behaviour of the MM who is messing with everyone's heads. 99% of the time it's his words and actions that continue to do the damage. And then he points the finger... it's not me, it's HER!

 

But, back to the thread:

 

I do think he is still talking to her, through IM b/c I keep blocking her name, and it magically comes unblocked.

 

IMs don't become magically unblocked, do they? He's feeding her some sort of line. And if you want this to stop you have to confront him about this, if you haven't already done so. He's undermining any chance of getting your M back on track. You shouldn't HAVE to 'take what he says with a grain of salt' ~ He's your H ffs!! You deserve the truth from him or your R is nowhere.

 

edited for typos.

[buffie08]

I am an OW. I can tell you that what part I play in his life is not the comfortable love he feels for his wife. Men like to have their cake and eat it too. I serve the purpose of sex whenever he wants, an ego boost when he feels down and just accepting him for who he is. As an OW we don't have the perfect situation either. I regret that I ever fell in love with a married man. If you want to win your man back you need to make him feel special and be affectionate and go out of your way to make sure he knows you adore him. put what has happened in the past behind you and live for the present and the future

[StrivingtoSucceed]

While my H made it clear to me that he wanted to be with me and make our marriage work, he was not as clear as he should have been to OW b/c he didn't want to be mean and he felt responsible for bringing her into it.

 

The OW was left with the following impressions from my H:

 

1) He wanted to be with her but felt he had to try to make it work with me because of his son.

 

2) He didn't know if he was making the biggest mistake of his life by leaving me, or by not leaving me.

 

3) And the biggest one that I think pertains to the majority of men just b/c they don't seem to get it ... they think they can remain friends with the OW.

 

Due to this OW kept calling to see how H was doing. Eventually, his actions spoke what his words did not. (Due to work related issues, they do have to talk via phone from time-to-time.) When she/he would call she would try to make the conversation turn personal. He would cut the conversation off at this point and say he was busy and had to get back to work. He never did call her except for work-related issues.

 

But, because he wasn't clear with her that he would never be in her life as she wanted, and he told her that no matter what they would always be friends, she continued for quite awhile. It has only been the last few months that she hasn't called anymore with the excuse that it is for work.

 

Just my two-cents worth on why she is still contacting him. Yes, there are those OP that will go after the wandering spouse (WS) even with that WS telling them to leave them alone and doesn't contact them (SilkTricks is a perfect example here). But they are usually far and in-between. It took me awhile to realize that the reason why my OW wasn't leaving my H alone was because he never gave her a clear "leave me alone" message. He never communicated that to her. While it was fine from his point of view ... he said actions speak louder than words when I questioned why he just wouldn't tell her (to Sami's point - he wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs here), it was extremelly selfish of him to everyone involved ... me and the OW ... how was she to know when he didn't tell her with words? Instead he made her figure it all out on her own - unfair to her.

 

With all that said though, you have to be the one to decide now if you want the marriage to work and if you want to go forward with your H. Is he truthful with you, even if it hurts? He has to be an open book to you at this time and going forward in order for your trust to be rebuilt. If you do want to make your marriage work, then you will have to learn how to deal with, and accept, the betrayal and hurt. The past will never change, but the future is still open for it. BUT, he will have to show you not only with his words, but his actions, that he is in it 110% too.

 

Her continuing to get "unblocked" for IMing is his actions showing you that he isn't in it 110% at this point and that he is giving her a reason to continue contact.

 

Maybe you need to tell him that you are done, you aren't willing to put up with it anymore and ask him to leave? Maybe then he will realize you are serious. As long as you continue to accept them contacting each other (he knows you block her for IMing ... he has to unblock her), and as long as she accepts him staying with you, he is going to continue doing what he is doing and nothing is going to change.

[lover's rock]

You are not stupid. You are strong. I am a Wife and although I am pregnant and my husband has told her this and that he is not leaving, she still is pursuing him...and he pursuing her. She is even trying to convince him to get her pregnant! I like to believe that my H is not a stupid individual. I know that he is even very much tormented by this situation. And I know for a fact that he is angry and disgusted with himself and his lack of discipline to cut things off with her. He doesn't even talk to her on the weekends when he's home (his phone stays off). I know she must be feeling some type of way but she doesn't even care about his family. She just wants him to herself. And you know what? I can't do anything about that. The truth is she isn't my biggest problem...it's what got my marriage here in the first place. Do all you can to feed your marriage. You have nothing to lose at this point and all to gain.