Perce Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 my husband had an "oops" last year ( I say "oops", because it was one kiss, and involved alcohol). Things were very strained, but we made it through. One of the conditions of our reconciliation was that he have to contact with this friend - including email. He swore he took her off his contact list. I asked him several times over the past year whether she had tried contacting him, and he said, "no". Last week, I discovered from a mutual friend that he was in fact, receiving emails from her. When I checked his email contact list, he had two addresses on there from her. When I confronted him, he said he just had her addresses, he never wrote or responded to her emails. I don't really believe him. I think I feel just as betrayed as the night he kissed her. Am I making a mountain our of a molehole (I don't think so)?
Mz. Pixie Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 No, as a matter of fact he may have continued contact with her. Get a keylogger for your computer, check his cell phone records to see if he has been having contact with her. You're not overreacting- this is someone he cheated with- and yeah, kissing is cheating too!
Chump64 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 This IS a mountain. Lies come so easily for cheaters. Download a keylogger (let me know if you need advice - I know of a free one). Hide a voice activated digital recorder in his car (best way to catch cell phone conversations). If he's doing it on a work computer, there are ways to track that too. Tap your own phone when you are gone. Tap his work phone, if that's what it takes. LMK if you need tips. (cough)
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 You're not making a mountain out of a molehill. If he didn't want any contact at all, there wouldn't be any contact at all. I wouldn't bother with the keylogger. I'd tell him you told him to cut her off, he said he would, he obviously lied, so there is still something going on.
Author Perce Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 The thing is, there can't be anything going on. She lives an hour away. He is always with me. (I've already checked phone records too - nothing.) That's what I don't get about this. If he's not cheating with her - why risk our marriage just to stay in contact with a friend?? And, as he said, he receives emails from her, but doesn't reply. (Personally, I don't believe it), but again, why keep her address if he's not going to reply? Lies, lies, lies! Ackk! I don't understand my own husband!
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 The thing is, there can't be anything going on. She lives an hour away. He is always with me. (I've already checked phone records too - nothing.) That's what I don't get about this. If he's not cheating with her - why risk our marriage just to stay in contact with a friend?? And, as he said, he receives emails from her, but doesn't reply. (Personally, I don't believe it), but again, why keep her address if he's not going to reply? Lies, lies, lies! Ackk! I don't understand my own husband! This is your answer. I don't believe him either. I think you should tell him he's risking your marriage to have an address. If he wanted no contact, there would be NO CONTACT. This is his choice, he is choosing to stay in contact with her.
Art_Critic Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 And, as he said, he receives emails from her, but doesn't reply. Get him to change his email addy.. and no you are not over reacting.. He should of told you she emailed him.. Here is something interesting. The addy only gets added to the address book if you reply to an email.
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Or if he doesn't want to change it, he can certainly block her address.
Guest Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 The thing is, there can't be anything going on. She lives an hour away. He is always with me. (I've already checked phone records too - nothing.) That's what I don't get about this. If he's not cheating with her - why risk our marriage just to stay in contact with a friend?? And, as he said, he receives emails from her, but doesn't reply. (Personally, I don't believe it), but again, why keep her address if he's not going to reply? Lies, lies, lies! Ackk! I don't understand my own husband! All I have to say is if there is a will there's a way that they can get together belive me wife had sex with co-worker in truck at work. Be careful
silktricks Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 The addy only gets added to the address book if you reply to an email. That depends. Some mailers add if you reply, some only add if you intentionally choose to add. But none that I know of add only upon receipt of an e-mail (Can you imagine the spam contacts in your address book???) But I'd certainly agree that the husband has some questions to answer.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 You don't think anything can be going on b/c you live an hour away and, as you say, you are always together ... but an EA is just as damaging as a PA. Obviously, an EA can occur without any physical contact at all. This might be a path you want to consider. Two things on the email ... one, he swore to you that he deleted her from his address book - that was obviously a lie. Two, she still sends him emails and he says he doesn't respond ... if I, or for that matter anyone I know, were to send someone emails, and never got a response from them, I would stop sending emails. You are not making a mountain out of molehill. Sorry you are in this position.
RecordProducer Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Let him know that if he wants to lose you, he's doing a good job. What he did already left a sour taste in your mouth and he's continuing to screw things up. He has to write her an email saying to leave him alone. Tell him that after what he did you find it hard enough to trust him without the secret emails. Ask him whether he wants to ditch that woman or you, because if he refuses to cut her off completely, you'll walk away... no, you'll run away from a cheater.
silktricks Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 Two, she still sends him emails and he says he doesn't respond ... if I, or for that matter anyone I know, were to send someone emails, and never got a response from them, I would stop sending emails. weeellllllll, I've gotta disagree here. The woman my H had an EA with kept on keeping on. I know for a fact that he didn't respond, because she kept sending to an e-mail address that he had closed. I re-opened it three or four months later (unbeknownst to him) and the very next day there was an e-mail from her begging him to write her. Obviously she had been writing the entire time it was closed. I told him I'd re-opened the e-mail and he wrote her a very short very not sweet note (which I read before he sent off).
Author Perce Posted April 8, 2006 Author Posted April 8, 2006 Well, hubby and I had a looong talk last night. He couldn't explain why he kept her address on his computer. Said he was "curious" about what she was up to. I realize this is lame, and I pushed him for a better answer, but got none. Get this...I said I wanted him to block her address, which he went right to the computer and did. When I checked this morning (he doesn't know I know his password - I know, that's a whole other issue) her address was off his contact list, but was NOT on the Block Sender list!!!!! I feel like throwing his clothes on the front lawn, but I'll be honest, I am not interested in divorce. I am going to ask to see his Blocked list, then what...I don't know.
westernxer Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 He's planting seeds. Then the seeds become plants. Then he f***s the plants. I borrowed this from "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
whichwayisup Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 Well, hubby and I had a looong talk last night. He couldn't explain why he kept her address on his computer. Said he was "curious" about what she was up to. I realize this is lame, and I pushed him for a better answer, but got none. Get this...I said I wanted him to block her address, which he went right to the computer and did. When I checked this morning (he doesn't know I know his password - I know, that's a whole other issue) her address was off his contact list, but was NOT on the Block Sender list!!!!! I feel like throwing his clothes on the front lawn, but I'll be honest, I am not interested in divorce. I am going to ask to see his Blocked list, then what...I don't know. He doesn't "get it" yet. He doesn't understand what damage it's doing to you. Probably in his mind, he thinks it's no big deal to check up and say hi to her. No harm, no foul...Yet, HE is fueling HER fire and keeping her interested ... A huge EGO feed for him. Somehow he has to NOT care about her at all. What she is doing, how she is feeling..HE has to get over that completely and shut her out of his mind forever. Encourage him to do that and if he can't then you need to ask him what is more important to him? To be married to you or live abit of a fantasy which won't last as this is a classic case of the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. SHOW him what he'll lose if he continues to do this to you.
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