I'm so sad . . .

[the_alchemyst]

I had a horrible day yesterday. In fact, I didn't even sleep tonight, so that's why I'm posting this so early. I just couldn't sleep. But how could I when I couldn't stop crying?

 

*sigh*

 

Yesterday was supposed to be a "big" day for me. I was supposed to receive an award at school due to my "excellence" in writing and task completion as the editor for my school's "Honors" newsletter.

 

So, all right . . . On this day I was supposed to deliver a "thank you" speech after I accepted the award, giving thanks to the people whom awarded it to me, as well as to the people whom supported and encouraged me while I tackled this task.

 

Everything was all set and ready to go. I was all dressed up, the people were there (apparently some important people from the school board, the Dean, President, some photographers (because this is supposed to be some really note-worthy event or whatever) etc.), the hall was decorated and prepared: everything was set.

 

The event started out fine: they handed out other awards and gave speeches. I was the last one to go, since my award was the "highest" one.

 

So, they finally called my name and I got up from my seat to go accept it. I walked over to the podium afterwards to give my speech, when I saw the empty chair in the front row next to my friend . . .

 

What happened? Well, about a month ago, they had told me I had been nominated for this and that I had a high chance of winning. I told my exbf about it and told him I was very happy and excited, and it turned out he was just as happy and excited for me, too. I asked him if he would please ask for the day off so that he could accompany me (I could only take one person, my friend was there on behalf of someone else), regardless of whether or not I was getting awarded or not (we were notified 1 week before the actual event, but even if I hadn't won, I still had to go). He didn't even hesitate and said that he wouldn't miss it for the world.

 

About a week before we broke up, I asked him if he had gotten the day off and he smiled and said yes. I was really happy because I knew he was going to come with me.

 

So what did I do? Knowing this (and I would have done this even if he wouldn't have been able to make it because it was the truth), I included him in my speech--saying how he, after my parents, was my biggest support, and sometimes even moreso than my parents, which was true. He was basically a big part of my speech.

 

Yesterday would have been one of the most wonderful days of my life.

 

Instead, when I got up to the podium and saw the empty chair, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I had thought about it before, and believed to be okay with the fact that he was no going to go, so I decided to just let it be and no invite anyone else.

 

Apparently I was very, very wrong. It was literally the first place my gaze went to when I got up there. I caught myself and quickly tried to look away, and began my speech, thanking first the committee and then slowly moving onto my parents. During this time I could see all of these people and all of these flashes from the cameras . . . all the people just sitting there . . . all of them looking at me . . . me who was supposed to be overjoyed . . . me who's heart was beating faster than ever before . . . me who's stomach felt upside down . . . me who's palms were sweating more and more . . . me who's voice was breaking up . . . me who quivered as I kept going with the speech, remembering the very line where I began to cut all references to my exbf out and replaced them with my brother, thinking that if I did this, I wouldn't even think about him as I gave the speech (I didn't remove him because I was angry, but because I wanted to be able to deliver the speech, and I knew that if I said his name, I would be unable to) . . . me who at every moment when I pronounced my brothers name wished instead that I could be saying my exbf's name . . . me who couldn't do it and looked back at the empty chair . . . me who in a moment of hallucination "saw" him sitting there, looking, smiling, cheering . . . me who broke down.

 

And I did. I couldn't do it. I struggled greatly reading what I had written, trying to normalize my voice, but in the end, I failed. The moment I looked back to the empty chair and "saw" him sitting there, the tears rolled down without relent, and I lost control. I heard all of the murmurs when I apologized and said: "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

 

I felt hideous as pictures were taken of me as I ran out of the stage.

 

I have never felt this bad, now that I think about it.

 

I vaguely remember hearing my friend call out to me when I was outside, but I didn't want to talk to anyone; I was so humilliated and torn.

 

I drove to a park, half aware, half gone, and sat crying under a tree for hours until I got home to curious parents who asked: "How was it, honey?"

 

Heh. I always wanted to be on the front page of the school's "regular" newsletter, anyway . . . .

 

I just don't know what happened. I completely fell apart. Before I even got to the location, I felt fine. I thought everything would be okay, but I was obviously very wrong.

 

Something inside of me just couldn't bear that he--he who had helped me so much--was not there. He who kept telling all of his family, "Hey, my baby's getting an important award because she's so smart, and I get to be there!" He who always praised me, he who always encouraged me, he who always wanted to be there with me whenever I accomplished anything, he who always believed in me, he who gave me strength when I needed it . . . .

 

I just couldn't do it. I swear I thought I was going to be okay . . . I really did. And instead I just messed up so badly. I literally ran off of the stage.

 

I feel so awful right now. I just don't understand what happened yesterday. I feel so alone and so broken.

 

I can't even stop crying. I can't believe this happened . . . .

 

*goes to the corner to cry some more

 

:(

[KittenMoon]

Oh, alchemyst, this is so AWFUL! I'm so sorry! Don't even know what to say in fact.

 

But my immediate reaction was "He wasn't there for you." I think you need to think about this. He wasn't there, he could have been, and maybe it would have been awkward, but he could have been and he wasn't and that's because he decided not to be for whatever reason.

 

I think you need to see this as a real breaking point and stop trying to be his friend, whatever, because he is not putting in the same effort, obviously. Right now, put him out of your life COMPLETELY. If he tries to contact you, even to apologize, do not talk to him. Recently I realized that nothing my ex could say to me right now, whether "I love you" or "I hate you" could make me feel anything but sad and confused. I think you should try to think like this too- it makes it much easier to have a reason to avoid all contact.

 

It's been said on this site before: "NC = no new hurt".

 

I'd like to amend it to "NC = no new hurt + no new confusion".

 

That being said, and award ceremony aside, you were being honored for something because you obviously are a great person and a hard worker. Someday you will take this experience and write about it or talk about it and it will be an interesting anecdote for people to hear about. And let me tell you, if I saw that happening to someone, I would understand, and I am sure everyone there understood- even if they thought it was just stage fright or something. No one should ever fault you for being a emotional creature- it merely shows the depth of a person when you see them so emotional vulnerable.

 

I hope you feel better- keep posting if you don't. It will help to talk about it.

[MadDog]

I think anyone in your position would have a difficult time. Don't feel like you're weak because of what happened--it's totally understandable. It's hard when you lose something that you thought you'd always have. I know the memories make it hard. My ex was someone I thought I could eventually marry & start a family with. We had ridiculous pet names for each other because we thought it was hilarious. I told her everything that was on my mind because she wasn't only my g/f but also my best friend. Then our relationship ended & we lost it all.

 

The memories were hard to deal with at first & I really tried to just put her out of my mind but the harder I tried, the more I'd remember. Something in me eventually snapped & instead of being hurt by the memories, I started looking back fondly at them and appreciating all the happy moments we had. Although we didn't work out in the end, it doesn't make the happiness we experienced any less real.

 

Do I still feel badly about our breakup? Yes, but I feel like I can move on because I'm at peace with what we had. I agree with KM & think you should try NC, at least for a while. It'll help a lot.