shychica Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Hi, I've been with my fiancee for about a year now. We moved in together in October and we've been engaged since December. We have our share of ups and downs, and now it seems like the downs are out numbering the ups. He's been unemployed for about three months, so I have been basically taking care of everything. While yes he is looking for a job, I know he is not trying hard enough. I ask him to check up on his applications, and he always seem to have an excuse why he didn't do it. He's been basically is chilling all day and b.s.ing around on the computer or xbox. He has friends that he invites over all the time and they stay sometimes over night. One friend has been over here for 4 days! Because all these people are the computer, I barely get time online. He and I barely get alone time and when we do, a lot time we end up arguing about his laziness and his lack of job. He feels like I get on his case all the time. He claims to love me and says he will never hurt me, but he does. I don't know if is intentionally using me or not, but I want it to stop. I even tell him how i feel and it doesn't make much of difference. He might try to a few extra things here and there, but then it stops after I seem please with what he has done. I have resorted to gradually moving my stuff out and telling him that I'm going back home until he get his crap together. Whenever I say that, he begs me not to leave and tries to make me feel guilty for bailing. He relies on me to help him with so much stuff. I wish I could move out with ease, but the main thing holding me back is that I am on the lease. The only way I could get out is if he signs a roommate release form (which i doubt he'll do). Also there is third person that stays there that relies on me to give him a ride to school. I didn't mind helping at first because this individual had a job and paid me for gas, but now he is unemployed. I feel trapped and I don't know what to do. I've gotten myself in the worst possible situation and feel like I have no way out. I feel depressed and I wish I could rewind time and change what has happened. I honestly want him to become a much better person, but it doesn't seem like he wants to do that. I don't know if is intentionally using me or not, but I want it to stop. How do I end the engagement and move out?
CaliGuy Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Sit him down, tell him what you expect. That if he doesn't get his act together NOW, you will walk out on him. And be prepared to follow through. He may change if you leave, he may not. However, you will be miserable until you decide to take action. If he does decide to straighten up, lay down some boundaries with him (no friends over, get off the xbox, help around the house, etc). It's hard to leave, I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
tikigods Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 I agree with Cali, you need to let him know what you want and give him a time to complete it in, if it isn't done, then I would contact people or find an alt place to live and find someone that has more goals in life then play games all day
Mary3 Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I don't believe a * talk * will help this user guy who is leeching off you . I don't think you can instill good work ethic or responsibility in someone who is living off you ( sponging ) and not contributing. Don't let him to the unemployment dance . He might be always out of work . How long did he have his last job ? Why did he lose it ?
luvtoto Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I wish I could move out with ease, but the main thing holding me back is that I am on the lease. The only way I could get out is if he signs a roommate release form (which i doubt he'll do). Your action plan: First, I would read and understand your lease. Then, talk with your landlord to see what your options are. I've had landlords work with me in the past when I wanted to break a lease, as long as I was willing to cooperate with him/her. I mean, if you want to move out and no one else in the house has a job to pay the rent...your fiance can't really fight it, now can he. I would say you have more power in this situation than you think.
bab Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Who is paying their rent? You? No good. Do the three of you have separate leases or is it all the same lease? The reason I ask is if the landlord isn't willing to work with you, then he can come after you for all of the rent if the other 2 aren't paying. Even if you don't live there. Maybe there is a way to pay a fee to get out of the lease and give the other 2 the option of continuing or not. With all that said, you do not want to be responsible for 2 other adults. I've been there done that and it's no fun. Your bf isn't taking responsibility for himself, and that is not the kind of partner you are going to want to have for the rest of your life. Or, if you someday want kids, is that the role model you want them to see? Get out while you can, even if it costs you a pretty penny.
luvtoto Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 then he can come after you for all of the rent if the other 2 aren't paying. True. Then she can go after her 'X' in small claims court for past rent due, me thinks. Like I said, talk with your landlord first. This sort of situation happens more often than you may think.
SoleMate Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Yes, break the engagement and cut this boat anchor loose. There are resources for those considering breaking the lease. Please review them, and possible talk to a lawyer or tenants' rights organization, before you see your landlord. One good recommendation: "If you need to break your lease, seek legal advice before vacating or signing any documents. " Here is some advice based on California law: http://www.ci.berkeley.ca.us/Rent/meetings&events/mailbag/leasques.html http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=12010 http://www.studentlegal.ucla.edu/terminate%20tenancy.htm You have many options that you will need to research, including subletting, replacing yourself as a roommate, taking your deadbeat fiance (one "e" only for a boy, BTW) and the other unemployed person to small claims court for their share of the rent, finding a new, qualified tenant for the landlord, etc. If you find the landlord a new, qualified tenant who can move in right away, your liability for breaking the lease will be very small. But you definitely do need to get the facts/laws for your state and municipality, and also review the lease document carefully. Good luck!
Touche Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I don't believe a * talk * will help this user guy who is leeching off you . I don't think you can instill good work ethic or responsibility in someone who is living off you ( sponging ) and not contributing. Don't let him to the unemployment dance . He might be always out of work . How long did he have his last job ? Why did he lose it ? Totally agree with this. Even if he gets a job tomorrow, I think Mary is right. At some point you'll be right back where you were in this situation with him. No self-respecting man would do what he's doing to you. Get out while the getting is good. This thread reminds me so much of Bluto's. At least you're finding out now what kind of guy he is instead of after you're married.
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