Guest Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Here's the backstory: I met M 2.5 years ago and had an instant attraction to him, and he to me. At the time, we were both in serious relationships; he lived with his longterm gf, but I didn't live with my bf yet. M and I got to know each other and became very good, flirty friends, seeing each other at parties, ocassionally e-mailing, but we never crossed any physical boundaries. Last May M broke up with his gf of 10 years; at that time I had been living with my boyfriend, but throughout our relationship I always thought about M, but because he was unattainable I tried to be content in a relationship that was solid and enjoyable. In any case, M told me about his breakup towards the end of June, and at that point we'd been having an emotional affair for about 3 months -- seeing each other all the time at the gym, meeting for late night walks, and e-mailing. When he told me he didn't have a girlfriend anymore, I sort of couldn't believe it. Here was this guy who I'd grown to love but thought would be forever out of reach, and suddenly he seemed within reach. So I did a stupid thing and broke up with my boyfriend, moved out of our apartment, and started a FWB relationship with M. The entire time, M was very clear that although I wasn't a rebound (he admitted to having a crush on me for as long as I'd had a crush on him...), he was not ready to get involved in another serious relationship so soon and that he was still very much processing the end of his last relationship. Fast forward 9 months later. After a difficult FWB relationship (we were both incredibly emotionally intimate as well as physically, but also both cagey and we both kept the relationship a secret), last week we decided to end it. I had been wanting more from M; at least to not have the relationship be a secret and to "move forward, without guarantees or promises but at least a sense of more..." I wanted this because I was always being VERY protective, trying to manage my expectations and honor the casual nature of the relationship. And doing this started to make me feel bad. I wanted to do more for M, be more giving, but because I wasn't his gf I felt I couldn't. And even though it was supposed to be casual, it didn't FEEL casual, in that when M would go away for a month, he would call or e-mail everyday and we were both so supportive of each other...so it was both a bedroom relationship and yet more. So in any case in our breakup conversation on the phone I finally admitted to M that I was in love with him and had been since the day we met. This kind of blew his mind, and he said, again, "I'm sorry I can't give you what you want or need, I can't just jump into a serious relationship right now, I'm still processing my last one..." and, here's the killer, he said, "I don't...love you." He e-mailed me yesterday after a week of NC to see how I was. I ended up seeing him at the gym before I could respond and we had a long chat. He was sorry how things went and wanted to make clear to me that on the continuum of feelings he didn't feel the opposite of love for me, but that he didn't feel that way about me because he couldn't; he still thought about his ex and still needed more time to get over it. But he really did like me so much and while he understood that we'd have to end the physical relationship he still wanted me in his life and that he cared about me so much beyond that. So my question is: do I try to stay friends with a man I'm in love with and have been in love with for almost 3 years, or do I just cut him out of my life to save myself some pain? And also: should I completely give up hope of us ever being able to be together. I don't want to delude myself that "it's just about the timing..." because he did say "I don't love you," but I also think that if/when he does heal from his last relationship he would want to pursue more with me (should I be available and vice versa) because we both want to remain in each other's lives even after this recent emotional blow-up. And the attraction remains. So, yeah. I guess I'd just appreciate opinions and/or like to know if anyone's been through anything like this...?
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