zarathustra Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I guess some of you are familiar with my situation. My xMM and I work together. Anyway, I had to ask him a question today on IM and after he answered, I told him that I hope he's feeling better (he's been sick). So, he said that he is fine and then he starts asking me about me and my mental state of mind and then started telling me what amazing things he and his W are doing (I guess counselling). Anyway, I wished him well and then he started telling me how badly he feels about my pain, and how he wants to be there for me to be my ear, etc. I told him the day he chose not to be with me is the day that he chose not to be there for me anymore. Anyway, it was not as hard as I thought it would be, bu now I can't stop crying and I have a meeting in 10 minutes (he's going to be there too) and the tears won't stop coming/falling. I don't know how much longer I can take of this
scarletletter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I feel for you and your situation. It's bad enough to have a break up but then have to see them at work must be a nightmare. I am really sorry that you have to endure so much hurt and pain right there where he is. You probably would benefit from some vacation time if you have any to clear your head and help to heal your heart. Everyone says that time heals all wounds....hang in there. Don't let him see you so upset...you should at least pretend that you are resiliant to this.
Author zarathustra Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Just got back. Looks like his W gave him a brand spanking new gawdy oversized wedding band. Yeah, lady... I know he's yours... keep him.
scarletletter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 It's really inconsiderate of him to flaunt his improved relationship to you. Maybe he is trying to make a point. I would act as if I was totally unaffected by anything and do your crying in the privacy of your own home. You WILL get over this....sounds like he has made his final decision and so there it is. Move on to bigger and better things.
Author zarathustra Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Yes, I know. I fell in love with someone I thought was considerate and gentle. He says himself that the things he did to me and my life was dispicable and that he never saw himself as such a cruel human being. I guess that's why I'm so sad, because I felt so jaded and so disillusioned. He also keeps telling me how I'm such a wonderful person. Well if I am, then why is this happening to me?
Walking away Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I don't like how cruel he is being to you. I am sure he doesn't realize it, but he is hurting you tremendously. I am sure also that he feels guilty for what he has put you through, as he should feel that. You are a human being that has gotten tremendously hurt by the promises he made and the statements of love. It is a tough spot you are in. I pray that you make it through today. It must be so hard... My thoughts are with you today.
Guest Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Because bad things happen to good people. I am in no position to judge about affairs as I am having one myself but I can say that we go into these relationships and it is like a dream. Having someone give you so much attention and pleasing you in every way. Unfortunately all good things usually do come to an end and I am just waiting for the day when I am on here crying my eyes out. I think the thing that keeps me going is that I never expect my mm to leave his wife and that helps. Now if he does, I will be the happiest OW in the world, but I seriously doubt it. My point is...and I do have one, lol...we sort of ask for this when we get involved with someone who is not available. It is a situation that has so many risks and so much heartache. I would not recommend it to anyone.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Z- So sorry to hear that you are being put in this position. I know how you feel and I can feel it, too. He is a cruel and insensitive man. That was very nasty of him to pretend being your friend (by saying how bad he feels for your pain) yet at the same time, telling you how "wonderful" his marriage is progressing. What an awful jerk! If he thinks that he is being "helpful" by being friendly then he must be an idiot! Z, do not talk to him any more. There can never be friendship between the two of you, so do not let him continue affect you in this way! He is obviously really clueless of what he is doing to you - so you have to be the one to protect your heart. Be strong! I am not feeling very good today either. Just one of those day again - lots of memories and crazy thoughts of my MM - triggered by my insensitive husband.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Yes, I know. I fell in love with someone I thought was considerate and gentle. He says himself that the things he did to me and my life was dispicable and that he never saw himself as such a cruel human being. I guess that's why I'm so sad, because I felt so jaded and so disillusioned. He also keeps telling me how I'm such a wonderful person. Well if I am, then why is this happening to me? Then make it all stop. As hard as it is, and as painful as this is for you, right now YOU are incharge of what you feel. Don't allow him to manipulate you back into his life. Don't be personable with him. Don't care about him, period. If he is sick, so WHAT? Don't ask him how he's feeling...By doing that, you're opening yourself up for more pain by caring about him and his wellbeing. It's obvious that he is telling you by actions and words that he has no interest in continuing an affair with you, but still is OK with a very casual friendship. You can't handle that, nor should have to. Is there any possible way you can leave your job and find another one? Or atleast take some time off to heal your heart?
officespace Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I guess some of you are familiar with my situation. My xMM and I work together. Anyway, I had to ask him a question today on IM and after he answered, I told him that I hope he's feeling better (he's been sick). So, he said that he is fine and then he starts asking me about me and my mental state of mind and then started telling me what amazing things he and his W are doing (I guess counselling). Anyway, I wished him well and then he started telling me how badly he feels about my pain, and how he wants to be there for me to be my ear, etc. I told him the day he chose not to be with me is the day that he chose not to be there for me anymore. Anyway, it was not as hard as I thought it would be, bu now I can't stop crying and I have a meeting in 10 minutes (he's going to be there too) and the tears won't stop coming/falling. I don't know how much longer I can take of this what a total jerk. flaunting his ring....telling you about their marital improvements. you're not his "friend" to confide in anymore. that is so insensitive. i was once dating a guy i worked with who was in a break up phase with his girlfriend. when they decided to work it out, he NEVER tortured me with the details, and we got thru it and are still friends. you do not deserve that. don't let him see you tears. be proud of yourself if you get thru this meeting without breaking down.
lovernotafighter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Zara I'm sorry zara...when I first seen this thread my mind yelled out "oh no!!" I know how strong you've been through all this and it isn't getting easier with xMM rubbing your nose in his supposed bliss..which is probably exactly what it is or his wife is kissing his ass dry...which a respectable man wouldn't be throwing around for all to see what a complete ass he is. zara...I feel your pain directly..my MM is one of my superiors and I can't escape him. today I planned on telling him everything in person and trying to get a amicable NC,I'm sure he was aware this was coming so he left me a message when he knew I'd be asleep to tell me he has a project and can't meet me. I was madder than hell and started to send a letter but decided to get the point across by not doing anything directly and took off the next couple days and said on a company e-mail "personal" that's it...and no explanation to him. well he's wigging out. calling,texting,mailing..I'm not responding..I've had enough of this game. I understand feeling like because we work together we have to be nice for the company..but f%^& it zara...tell him to leave you alone because your starting to feel slightly harassed..that ought to stop him dead in his tracks...then snub the crap out of him because as I noticed with my MM over and over they don't respond to words..they respond to no contact. your tough zara don't ever let anyone make you feel that your not...your the guns of the navarone sister and if he doesn't see that now..he will later..let it be his lose not yours..believe it,your to good for him.
Blind Illusion Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 I don't know your story well, (Or else I read it and don't remember which details go to who) but did his wife find out? I am assuming yes. Seems like he wants some kind of reaction from you. I'm with Scarlet about now being the ideal time to take some vacation days.
Author zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 Thanks, my dear friends. I'm feeling a bit better today. I told him yesterday that we are not friends. That I am nothing to him. When he said that's not true, that I was, I told him that in order to do what he did to me, I was less than nothing to him. I truly believed that had he valued me at all, that he would have been honest and upfront with his feelings (one of the premise of going into out relationship was to not make the same mistakes in our past relationships). BI, just an update for you. xMM and I work together, we communicated a lot electronically and built this really great bond. He took it further and told me that he was really fond of me. I told him that I was fond of him too, but that I'm sure we would get over this chemistry that we had. My marriage was not great and I left my H because I felt that the issues were really insurmountable. When I left, xMM followed suit and moved in with me and his wife knew this. It was not easy. He cried a lot because he missed his kids. I cried with him. Eventually, I told him that I thought I would understand it if he tried to work things out with his wife. A week after that, he told me that a month prior to my suggesting he'd go home, he asked his wife to move back in behind my back, but she said no. He promised to work on us, that he was committed to us and that he loved me. I wanted to believe it so badly so I said ok. Well, less than two weeks after that, we had a disagreement about something and I told him that I felt like I'm very low on his priorities. That I was below his kids, his soon to be xW, work, school, etc. He said that I was. I asked him how he could say he loved me then and he said that he does love me but he's not in love with me anymore as he's in love with his W. So I said, then I have no business being in this relationship anymore, so I left. WA, I wished that we could have ended our relationship like you with your MM, but it didn't. It ended with lies, deception and betrayal. I realize after stepping out of the situation, that when he tried to go home the first time, that's when I was less than dirt to him. He obviously do not know the kind of woman I really am and that had he been honest, I would have tried my hardest to help him home. I'm not one to keep what I is not mine and I honestly loved him that much. Vacation would be ideal in June or July. Already going away in May.
Author zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 WA, I just read your post on another thread!!!! I'm so sorry to hear that the man is such trash. Keep strong.
Guest Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 This is exactly why NC has to be established...otherwise you're going to continue to feel all of this same emotion, and so will he. Both of you need to move on...and if the two of you work together, then the only way I can see this to work out is if one of you moves to a new job where contact isn't part of your work. Sorry you're in such pain...NO ONE goes through an affair and not get hurt.
Author zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 KHLF, I hope you are feeling better today. My H can be insenstive at times and I'm learning to let him know that when he is being that way. Phrased using your point of view and if he's willing to hear what you have to say, he may admit that his behaviour is not really acceptable. With my H, I guess if he wants me in his life, then he will need to learn to alter his actions otherwise I'll have to choose to go. By the way, MM said yesterday that he wishes that I would be happy regardless if I was with or without someone his equal. I said that I want someone is more than his equal and that I want someone who would not betray me. Hope that hit him square in the balls.
lovernotafighter Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 By the way, MM said yesterday that he wishes that I would be happy regardless if I was with or without someone his equal. I said that I want someone is more than his equal and that I want someone who would not betray me. Hope that hit him square in the balls. he said WHAT??!! what a complete narcissist assh0le!! good for you Zara ,I hope that did grab him right by his stupid ego...wow after hearing this I say don't avoid him just walk around like the queen bee and openly treat him like the piece of s*** he is... you know look at that...you could have ended up with..that...tell him he did you a favor cause he's f*cking clown shoes and you don't wear clown shoes.. I'm sorry zara just reading that made me lose my mind.. you are so much better than what this guy has to offer..Grrr he needs a kick in nuts.
Author zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 Thank you. I don't like treating people like s***. It felt good saying that to him. It validated to me that I deserve more than him. I deserved to be treated right. My H is trying... he really is and I commend his efforts knowing the whole situation. In that sense I do appreciate him and love him for it. Yes he drives me nuts. xMM moves in the same pace as I do so in that sense, I felt less frustrated. But he also treated me like crap by his betrayal and deception. So I think I'm better off where I'm at.
lovernotafighter Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Thank you. I don't like treating people like s***. It felt good saying that to him. It validated to me that I deserve more than him. I deserved to be treated right. My H is trying... he really is and I commend his efforts knowing the whole situation. In that sense I do appreciate him and love him for it. Yes he drives me nuts. xMM moves in the same pace as I do so in that sense, I felt less frustrated. But he also treated me like crap by his betrayal and deception. So I think I'm better off where I'm at. I do understand..hmm I just wrote I was becoming nicer..I don't want to treat people like s*** really either..but wow when i read your post I went a little crazy..sorry. you do deserve more than your MM has to give and i'm proud of you for telling him so. I'm glad to hear your H is making a effort..and yes it does prove he really does love you. I know it is hard though..my husband really made a soild effort for about a month and then went back to his old ways..I mostly sat back and watched..so I know what I have to do..its right for me. you have to do whats right for you and only you. I wish you the best of luck..stay strong zara:cool:
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Thank you. I don't like treating people like s***. It felt good saying that to him. It validated to me that I deserve more than him. I deserved to be treated right. My H is trying... he really is and I commend his efforts knowing the whole situation. In that sense I do appreciate him and love him for it. Yes he drives me nuts. xMM moves in the same pace as I do so in that sense, I felt less frustrated. But he also treated me like crap by his betrayal and deception. So I think I'm better off where I'm at. I am a little confused... are you back with your exH (the one you left after you met your MM?) If your H is willing to change himself to make the marriage better - props to him! My husband will change.. for a nanosecond! Then he is back to his lazy, selfish self. Sometimes, I feel like giving up too. What's the point of being married when I mean absolutely nothing more than bedtime sex? We are not even compatible - he's really boring and cannot understand most of the things I say. I have to talk in simple terms with him... which do not convey my true meanings. Let me put it this way: my H can't even tell when I am being sarcastic!! That's what I have to live with every day!
Author zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 KHLF, sometimes I feel like my husband wants to make changes to our relationship (not to change himself) so that we can make things better. But yeah, he can be selfish, still. So we have a lot of problems to deal with still. But knowing that I left and got together with someone so soon after our separation really hurt him. I told him when I left, I had really strong feelings for my xMM, but I'm not leaving just for that. I was leaving mainly because I didn't want to stay in an unhappy marriage where we have very dissimilar life goals. I guess the thing that attracted me to my xMM is that he is quick witted and has a similar sense of humour as I do. I do think that he treasured our friendship, but didn't think that the consequence of his action would lead to this end result. Like many of these men, I think he was thinking with his dick and not with his head.
Recommended Posts