delilah32 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 i've not posted in awhile but have logged in nearly every day taking advantage of some of the wisdom here. long story short, my ex, who is considerably older than me (51 to my 33) has dumped me twice in the last 6 months, citing a midlife crisis compounded by historical commitment anxieties as the reason. he literally dropped to one knee and begged me back into his life a few weeks after the first episode, saying that he'd been off his rocker to break up with me the first time and that he ABSOLUTELY would not do it again if given a second chance, that i was the love of his life, blah blah blah. i reluctantly and slowly took him back only to have the whole thing repeated a couple of months later. astounding, really. from what i can tell, commitment phobes tend to suffer from debilitating fears of being either hurt or suffocated to death. in his case, i think it was a mixture of both: he agonizes over getting hurt by me in the long run (i'm younger and attractive and have a difficult time with commitment myself insofar as staying in one place for very long..he mentioned numerous times that he was afraid i've pick up and leave town if we moved in together or married) and he is deathly afraid of losing his autonomy. an almost hopeless combination, to be sure. at any rate, i established no cotact after this last break up and just like clockwork, started hearing from him again in the last few days. so far he has emailed me 5 times basically repeating the same thing over and over but with increased urgency every time i don't respond. he says he wants to call but is afraid of being rejected. he keeps saying he is heartbroken too, cannot walk down the street without being reminded of me, that its an emotional struggle to work everyday and that above all, he is extremely sorry for hurting me again in this way. i don't know exactly what my question is, i guess more than anything i'm looking for some male insight. does this smell like a man with a guilty conscience who is looking for some appeasement, or a man who is genuinely confused over his actions and is therefore behaving erratically, or a combination of both? i think men and women are different in this regard. typically when i dump somebody i have no ambiguity or confusion over the parting and certainly don't feel "heartbroken"..mainly just relief and excitement to get on with it. it may help to know that he has been experiencing severe depression for about the last 6 months and is currently in therapy for it. episodes of depersonalization and what i would call near psychosis have been in the mix. i truly believe that he's a man who is going thru an existential crisis of sorts which may or may not be compounded by age, and that being intimate with a vibrant younger person like me is just not something he's up for right now. in dealing with this depression he has "dumped" a lot of other activities as well, like yoga, coffee, etc, in an attempt to get to the bottom of its cause. i feel that i may have fallen in that category..that he dropped me like he did coffee just in case i'm what's causing his emotional suffering. sorry this is so all over the place. again, just any insight would be appreciated. thank you all very much.
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Rio would be able to give you some good advice on commitment phobes. My personal advice is this. If he really wants you (and you want to marry him) then tell him he either commits to marriage or leaves you alone. He's going to sit on the fence until you push him to one side or the other. Either out of your life completely or marriage. The question is, what do YOU want?
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