Question...

[lover's rock]

I have a question for everyone? What would you do if your MM told you that his wife was pregnant with another child and that there is no possible way that he would leave her? Would that seal the deal for you? Or would you still stay around? Would you still email him and call him and text message him even though he's made it clear what he plans to do?

[lovernotafighter]

I have a question for everyone? What would you do if your MM told you that his wife was pregnant with another child and that there is no possible way that he would leave her? Would that seal the deal for you? Or would you still stay around? Would you still email him and call him and text message him even though he's made it clear what he plans to do?

 

at this point in my A..nope I wouldn't. though I encourage him to stay with her..he fights me tooth and nail that he plans on leaving therefore despite that I tell him to not talk that way, he had been feeding me lies unnecessarily no less.nope

[Sassy]

A baby or not your MM has no intention of leaving his wife . WAKE UP!! You aren't his future or he would have left her and not gotten her pregnant. You are the mistress and will be nothing more than his side dish . Why torture yourself like that ? Do you not respect yourself more than that? Never will understand the concept of women messing with MM. JMO. Not trying to be mean but you deserve better than being the side dish every once in awhile.

[whichwayisup]

I have a question for everyone? What would you do if your MM told you that his wife was pregnant with another child and that there is no possible way that he would leave her? Would that seal the deal for you? Or would you still stay around? Would you still email him and call him and text message him even though he's made it clear what he plans to do?

Let me ask you...Remove yourself from your situation and pretend your bestfriend is seeing a MM who told her that his wife is pregnant. What would YOU advise her to do?

 

Wouldn't you discourage her from making a painful mistake? Wouldn't you explain to her that this man has a wife, a child on the way and no good could come out of this situation?

 

Take a giant step back and see the full picture. Try to see things in a different light.

 

There is your answer. Hopefully it's as obvious to you as it is to me.

[Blind Illusion]

You know, I really don"t know.

 

Should the answer really be that significantly different if the affair was started when the child was 1 or 2 ?

 

I guess the answer depends on if he ever claimed he was leaving. If the affair is just accepted by both parties as being something that fills a void that the individual marriages have, should this change things.

 

I don't know how I'd feel, to be honest. It would probably bother me anyhow, even if I had no just cause.

[lover's rock]

This question is not a situation that I am in. Well I am in it but I am the BS. My husband is seeing an OW. I'm curious as to how she feels in this particular situation. My husband said that after he told her she said that she still loved him and she wasn't angry. That's a tremendous response to me. I wanted to ask OW here in this forum how they would feel in this same situation. Don't attack me...I'm honestly here because I want to understand.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not a BS or OW.

 

I think your husband has to tell her goodbye and mean it. I take it that this means he IS still seeing her, even though your pregnant? Is he having trouble letting go of her? And she letting go of him?

 

Is the OW married as well? If so, maybe it's time to talk to HER spouse so that this affair can completely end.

[lover's rock]

No she's not married. And he is letting her go. He's made a tremendous turn around in light of this situation. He told her yesterday so it still remains to be seen as to whether all contact will end between them. I'm just wondering if she will let it die. If she will let it be, finally. And him as well. He's tried 3 times to walk away already. This is the fourth time he's walked away from her. I wonder if it is the final time? Only time will tell. I'm just wondering what's going through her mind. I'm wondering if this is enough for her to let go or if she is willing to still be there on the side even though there is no future with her. H has said that he's unwilling to facilitate drama or any kind of encounter with her because he doesn't want to upset me. It's hard not to worry but I think I'm doing a good job of not focusing on the negatives of this situation.

[erika2610]

No she's not married. And he is letting her go. He's made a tremendous turn around in light of this situation. He told her yesterday so it still remains to be seen as to whether all contact will end between them. I'm just wondering if she will let it die. If she will let it be' date=' finally. And him as well. He's tried 3 times to walk away already. This is the fourth time he's walked away from her. I wonder if it is the final time? Only time will tell. I'm just wondering what's going through her mind. I'm wondering if this is enough for her to let go or if she is willing to still be there on the side even though there is no future with her. H has said that he's unwilling to facilitate drama or any kind of encounter with her because he doesn't want to upset me. It's hard not to worry but I think I'm doing a good job of not focusing on the negatives of this situation.[/quote']

 

Oh, I didn't know you were the BS. It's hard to tell. Some OW will hold on until they just can't take it any longer. Some OW would just let go. Some will hold on thinking that maybe there's a chance the MM will change his mind.

[whichwayisup]

Neither of you have any control of what she thinks or feels. I think right now it's much more important that you make your husband understand that he cannot contact her anymore. Even if it hurts him, he has to STOP reacting, stop answering emails/phone calls from her.

 

You are wonderful and very understanding and tolerant. I commend you for that and I really hope your husband sees how lucky he is right now.

 

Are you two in marriage counselling? Or is he willing to do that so both of you can understand WHY he chose to have an affair?

 

Another thing is, if this OW is completely inlove with your husband, I can't this ending so easily at her end. She might pull out ALL the stops to try to win him over ... She may fabricate stories and situations to gain his attention, some 'emergency' and she needs his help. IF she does this, he MUST not reply or react. She has to see his actions - which hopefully is silence - And if that doesn't work then both of you talk to her together, as a united and happy couple so she sees this and leaves you alone.

[lovernotafighter]

No she's not married. And he is letting her go. He's made a tremendous turn around in light of this situation. He told her yesterday so it still remains to be seen as to whether all contact will end between them. I'm just wondering if she will let it die. If she will let it be' date=' finally. And him as well. He's tried 3 times to walk away already. This is the fourth time he's walked away from her. I wonder if it is the final time? Only time will tell. I'm just wondering what's going through her mind. I'm wondering if this is enough for her to let go or if she is willing to still be there on the side even though there is no future with her. H has said that he's unwilling to facilitate drama or any kind of encounter with her because he doesn't want to upset me. It's hard not to worry but I think I'm doing a good job of not focusing on the negatives of this situation.[/quote']

 

are you sure he has told her this? I think it might be time for you to talk to the OW woman to woman and see if he is being legit...if you read around this forum you will see it usally the MM that hang on to these affairs and usally feed both the BS and OW everything they want to hear to stay in his comfy situation.

 

I wouldn't buy what he's selling till you get some proof.

[lover's rock]

I've been working on a detached state of mind. I don't need to be any more upset than I get when he's out late anyway. Like I said, time will tell. He said that she feels like I stole him from her. And that she gets anxious and upset when he cancels time that their supposed to spend together. He didn't tell her that we were being intimate either and she felt like she had the right to know. Are these feelings of an OW? Rational or irrational? I'm trying to understand what goes on inside the minds of an OW. Does the MM's family ever cross their mind? He used to stay out late with her. Would it ever cross her mind that she's keeping him from putting his kids to bed? Or that he's making the choice not to do that because he wants to see her?

[whichwayisup]

You do seem very detached about all this...I guess that's good to protect yourself.

 

Can I ask though, IS he still going out late at night? He shouldn't be, especially now that you're pregnant.

 

The OW isn't thinking of anybody but herself, and her way of thinking is being fed from her feelings. It doesn't make sense and it IS irritational, you are right about that.

 

I'm betting she hasn't thought of you at all. In her mind, you're probably not real. And sadly, I'm betting that your husband painted a certain picture in her mind about you...Maybe he complained and told her that his marriage was awful and that you hated him, treated him poorly. That may hurt you to hear this, but so many MM seem to LIE to the OW about their home lives. Not saying yours did, but she hasn't been in this affair alone. He obviously fed her some lines to keep her around, to allow her to fall inlove with him. And right now she's feeling that loss, probably making her nuts too. Hense her reactions and how she feels you've stolen "her" man. When infact, he was never hers to begin with. Sad.

[erika2610]

I've been working on a detached state of mind. I don't need to be any more upset than I get when he's out late anyway. Like I said' date=' time will tell. He said that she feels like I stole him from her. And that she gets anxious and upset when he cancels time that their supposed to spend together. He didn't tell her that we were being intimate either and she felt like she had the right to know. Are these feelings of an OW? Rational or irrational? I'm trying to understand what goes on inside the minds of an OW. Does the MM's family ever cross their mind? He used to stay out late with her. Would it ever cross her mind that she's keeping him from putting his kids to bed? Or that he's making the choice not to do that because he wants to see her?[/quote']

 

For me, when I was with him, I never really thought about the family. I guess I just kind of 'blocked them out' so that I wouldn't feel guilty. I also felt as if they she maybe deserved what she was getting. He told me so many lies about her.. I felt as if she didn't deserve him. Only later, when it was all said and done, did I find out she was the total opposite of what he told me.

[lover's rock]

He was out late last night and apologize profusely. His reason for being out was because he told her I was pregnant. They were talking. He said to me "Do you really think that I'd do anything to make you upset knowing that you are carrying my baby? Please! No one is worth that." He's started to be more affectionate with me and he calls me during the day just to find out how I'm doing. He said that he's been jolted back to reality so to speak and he even encouraged me that he wasn't going anywhere and that the OW was beginning to annoy him. I think he told her that I'm pregnant in hopes of getting her to detach from him. Just saying that he's going to work on his marriage hasn't worked.

 

I think that last night is the last time he'll be going out late or going out to be with her. But at this point, I've seen it all before and only time will tell. We've made some future plans and I've started talking to my in-laws again. He volunteers information about the OW. I don't ask. I didn't even call him last night when he was out past the time he said he'd be home. It ate me up of course and it took some deep breathing to stop my heart from beating so fast but he comforted me as soon as he walked through the door.

 

The lasting effects all remain to be seen.

[Sami_D]

I'd reiterate more or less what Lovernotafighter said...

 

The cake-eating MM is adept at stringing along two women. He tells each one what they want to hear. I can't believe it sometimes when I hear this rubbish about the OW's awesome power in keeping the MM locked into her... hello... he's feeding her as much BS as he's feeding the W most of the time. Enough to keep her hooked, and enough to keep you feeling that he's on your side against the wicked OW.

 

Point your finger at your H who's messing around on you at this crucial time in your life. What a pig. Tell him to snap out of it and behave.

[lover's rock]

Oh and another thing...he and I did have some major problems that lead to this. However I showed her empathy when she came to the house after he left her the first time. I did not invite her into my home because our children were upstairs. I did, however, try to comfort her while she was crying. I'm not sure but it should've registered at that point that I am not a bad person. We are now a month and a half after that moment. She still pursued him (granted it wasn't all her but if she walked away he'd have no one to pursue) anyways. So at this point, if she's still hurting, I don't have anymore sympathy left. He's walked away from her 4 times at this point all in the space of a month and a half. I don't understand why she's still here. (We'll see if she comes back after this 4th time...or if he does.)

[Owl]

LR-

 

I was a BS myself...my wife was the one who had the affair. Here's my suggestion...starting with I think WWIU was right on as usual.

 

1. You can't concern yourself with OW, and how she's going to react to all of this. Your focus now has to be on repairing your marriage. I don't know if you were friends with her before all of this or not, but at this point, you aren't going to do your marriage any good if you base your actions off of what's best for you, your H, and your marriage. (Sorry about that to the OW's out there...don't mean this personally to you)

 

2. OK, your H has 'said' he's told her this, and he's going to break it off. You don't have any reason at all to BELIEVE what he's said tho...he's been lying to you about all of this for quite some time now. What you NEED FROM HIM is PROOF. He needs to send her a NC (no contact) email or letter, with YOU being able to read the letter before it's sent(if email, he should CC you on it). He should also make himself an "open book" to you...give you access to his cell phone, email, IM, etc...ANYTHING he used or could have used to carry on his affair. You should have free access to this from now on. This sounds harsh, but the ONLY way he's going to be able to rebuild your trust in him is by SHOWING you that he's being honest and truthful...you can't just believe his word on this anymore. If he balks, fights you about this, whatever...simply tell him that you will NOT negotiate this... (my wife didn't like this either, but once she finally made her REAL choice to stay and work on things, she understood and worked with me on it).

 

3. You have to have a PLAN on how he's going to maintain NC with her. If he worked with her, then honestly you should expect him to change jobs. Because ANY contact between him and her are going to do nothing more than prolong the whole situation...and keep the feelings between them alive that much longer. And, you need to have a plan to manage anytime she might contact him...set your expectations that he will end contact with her IMMEDIATELY, and notify you of that contact attempt IMMEDIATELY.

 

3. The LIES END NOW. Make it clear to him that this was the biggest blow that you've had to deal with...and that you will NOT tolerate another lie of any kind any further.

 

4. Once you're positive that contact has ended, look to setup marriage counseling for both of you together...with a counselor who understands the damage from infidelity and is PRO-MARRIAGE...there are a lot that are NOT pro marriage.

 

5. Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website for some more good information...there's a forum there that might help you as well.

 

Hang in there...recovery from infidelity is NOT an overnite thing.

[Sami_D]

He's walked away from her 4 times at this point all in the space of a month and a half. I don't understand why she's still here. (We'll see if she comes back after this 4th time...or if he does.)

 

Because he's walked back to her three times?

[Owl]

LR-

 

I was a BS myself...my wife was the one who had the affair. Here's my suggestion...starting with I think WWIU was right on as usual.

 

1. You can't concern yourself with OW, and how she's going to react to all of this. Your focus now has to be on repairing your marriage. I don't know if you were friends with her before all of this or not, but at this point, you aren't going to do your marriage any good if you base your actions off of what's best for her. Worry about what's best for you and your marriage. (Sorry about that to the OW's out there...don't mean this personally to you)

 

2. OK, your H has 'said' he's told her this, and he's going to break it off. You don't have any reason at all to BELIEVE what he's said tho...he's been lying to you about all of this for quite some time now. What you NEED FROM HIM is PROOF. He needs to send her a NC (no contact) email or letter, with YOU being able to read the letter before it's sent(if email, he should CC you on it). He should also make himself an "open book" to you...give you access to his cell phone, email, IM, etc...ANYTHING he used or could have used to carry on his affair. You should have free access to this from now on. This sounds harsh, but the ONLY way he's going to be able to rebuild your trust in him is by SHOWING you that he's being honest and truthful...you can't just believe his word on this anymore. If he balks, fights you about this, whatever...simply tell him that you will NOT negotiate this... (my wife didn't like this either, but once she finally made her REAL choice to stay and work on things, she understood and worked with me on it).

 

3. You have to have a PLAN on how he's going to maintain NC with her. If he worked with her, then honestly you should expect him to change jobs. Because ANY contact between him and her are going to do nothing more than prolong the whole situation...and keep the feelings between them alive that much longer. And, you need to have a plan to manage anytime she might contact him...set your expectations that he will end contact with her IMMEDIATELY, and notify you of that contact attempt IMMEDIATELY.

 

3. The LIES END NOW. Make it clear to him that this was the biggest blow that you've had to deal with...and that you will NOT tolerate another lie of any kind any further.

 

4. Once you're positive that contact has ended, look to setup marriage counseling for both of you together...with a counselor who understands the damage from infidelity and is PRO-MARRIAGE...there are a lot that are NOT pro marriage.

 

5. Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website for some more good information...there's a forum there that might help you as well.

 

Hang in there...recovery from infidelity is NOT an overnite thing.

[Owl]

sorry about the double post...was a typo in my first post, and LS wouldn't let me edit it to correct that

[whichwayisup]

He was out late last night and apologize profusely. His reason for being out was because he told her I was pregnant. They were talking. He said to me "Do you really think that I'd do anything to make you upset knowing that you are carrying my baby? Please! No one is worth that."

He HAS to get his priorities straight and he has to do it NOW. If it is really over between them then he has to detach, care less about her feelings, thoughts and her wellbeing in general. HE HAS UPSET you anyway because he was WITH HER LASTNIGHT when he should have been home with you and your children. That line he fed you "Do you really think that I'd do anything to make you upset knowing that you are carrying my baby? Please! No one is worth that" is pure bulls***. If it wasn't, he would be telling her all this either through email or INFRONT OF YOU with her sitting there.

 

He's started to be more affectionate with me and he calls me during the day just to find out how I'm doing. He said that he's been jolted back to reality so to speak and he even encouraged me that he wasn't going anywhere and that the OW was beginning to annoy him. I think he told her that I'm pregnant in hopes of getting her to detach from him. Just saying that he's going to work on his marriage hasn't worked.

 

Maybe HE needs some one on one counselling so he can deal with his loss and get some help. It is unfair of him to put this on you. He has to take responsibility, ownership of HIS part in this. She isn't alone in this...Takes two to tango.

 

I think that last night is the last time he'll be going out late or going out to be with her. But at this point, I've seen it all before and only time will tell.

 

Yes it will. And if he continues to talk/see her/email with her then YOU have to decide if HE is worth staying married to. He has lost out and most of all, he has ruined your trust and faith in him. I don't think HE actually has a clue of what damage he's done...

 

We've made some future plans and I've started talking to my in-laws again. He volunteers information about the OW. I don't ask. I didn't even call him last night when he was out past the time he said he'd be home. It ate me up of course and it took some deep breathing to stop my heart from beating so fast but he comforted me as soon as he walked through the door.

If you want him and this marriage, then FIGHT FOR HIM. Don't lay back and let him walk all over you. Take control of the situation and make sure HE knows what you won't put up with anymore.

 

The lasting effects all remain to be seen.

 

Start going to marriage counselling to fix what was broken in the marriage. You two may have had problems, but it was HIS choice to go outside of the marriage.

[lover's rock]

NP Owl. I do plan on working up to the "open book" process. It's about timing for me. We've been through alot of drama and I'd like it to settle down. I don't think that he'll have a problem with it once we've stopped boiling. And you're right, I shouldn't be concerned. And I won't involve myself any deeper than I can handle. It's why I'm not contacting the OW herself even though I know all of her info, where she lives, emails and numbers and even about her, how she lives and her family. My H volunteered this info to me. I don't want to know specifics about their relationship. That's hurt me enough.

 

I'm just wondering if the W being pregnant is enough for the OW to see the end? Knowing that he's been intimate with his W when you were under the impression that he wasn't.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and another thing...he and I did have some major problems that lead to this. However I showed her empathy when she came to the house after he left her the first time. I did not invite her into my home because our children were upstairs. I did' date=' however, try to comfort her while she was crying. I'm not sure but it should've registered at that point that I am not a bad person. We are now a month and a half after that moment. She still pursued him (granted it wasn't all her but if she walked away he'd have no one to pursue) anyways. So at this point, if she's still hurting, I don't have anymore sympathy left. He's walked away from her 4 times at this point all in the space of a month and a half. I don't understand why she's still here. (We'll see if she comes back after this 4th time...or if he does.)[/quote']

 

Again, whatever problems you two have had in the marriage, did not give him the right to decide to go looking outside of the marriage to have an affair. That is HIS OWN FAULT. Not yours, at all.

 

You are a good person, your actions have shown this.

 

He's walked away from her so many times, yet she is still around. This means honestly either he is too weak to fight off her advances and isn't ready to actually officially "end" it all with her (he may think and believe they can still be "just friends"...If so, he's a fool) or maybe just maybe this has all sunk in and he is ready to end it forever. I don't know.

 

If he goes back to her after this - You have some serious choices to make for yourself, your new baby and the rest of your children.

[Sami_D]

Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website for some more good information...there's a forum there that might help you as well.

 

.

 

Try the survivinginfidelity.com site too.