francis Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 i'm looking for a second opinion on the behaviour of a boyfriend i am giving this new relationship a try but his behaviour sometimes is questionable, so i wanted your opinion on a few things he's very practical, not romantic at all, is very 'matter of fact'. if i have a problem, isnt really interested in comforting me, takes the line 'just deal with it' i like to spoil people, quite indulgent, like giving etc. i wake up with him every morning as he gets ready for work and prepare coffee and breakfast for him. he's now taken to saying 'i'll have X for breakfast' before I even offer him anything. he actually warned me once to watch out for people taking advantage of my good nature. the ironic thing is, i think he is. i like giving, but i dont like to be taken for granted. i guess i am feeling short changed. i am home studying, he is out at work all day. i am around and so available, so i do the shopping, run his errands, household chores. i am feeling that he is simply focussed on the functions i can provide for him and nothing else. am i expecting too much? am i being unrealistic. please tell me honestly? is this normal? we never go anywhere together apart from the gym and the supermarket on the weekends. am i being selfish and too emotionally demanding? i've lost perspective.
blind_otter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Firstly I have to say you already have a subjective opinion, you need objective opinions. If you're confused, look up the words. No offense or anything. Learn something new every day. Anyways, is there a reason why you are not working? I know you're in school, right, but I worked part time through my whole college career. It helps to get out of the house and do something for yourself. IMO, he may be taking you for granted, but you're kind of allowing it to happen. It's nice to do those things, but you may be giving to get. What do you want from him, in return for what you do? In concrete terms? Have you expressed this to him? If you don't know what you want don't talk about it until you do. And then clearly express what you want in return. And think about doing something outside your house, even if it's volunteering or clubs.
witabix Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Ditto B_O's post. And add...... If you asking this question then I would say that you are already feeling 'used', albeit voluntarily. Try getting up and making your own breakfast, when did he lose the use of his arms? Or leave out the instruction manual for the cooker and directions to the refridgerator.......
catgirl1927 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I finally TOLD my BF that I enjoyed doing things for him when he appreciated them, but when it became expected I just felt used. Now every time I do something for him he tells me how much he appreciates it. The thing is, he probably really does appreciate what you do. He just doesn't tell you. Esp since he told you not to let people take advantage of you, tell him you feel like that's what he's doing.
Author francis Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 thanks for the responses sigh and for picking me up on my grammar i do work, it's just that its freelance research consulting which means i can do it all from home...that brings in the extra cash needed whilst studying... maybe i'm just hypersensitive about this stuff i talked to him about being taken for granted. he says the thing is, in his household, it is not normal to say thank you to everything, he would never thank his family for doing things for him, it's just a given that, as family, things are done on the other's behalf. or maybe i'm just too hung up on my ex to really focus on this relationship, my heart is not in it
blind_otter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 or maybe i'm just too hung up on my ex to really focus on this relationship, my heart is not in it BINGO. You won the door prize. What's this all about....
Author francis Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 long story, its been around here since last May I am still in touch with my ex (only through email) although i have really tried to move on with my life, hence the new relationship there is no longer any romantic communication between ex and i, although i still have feelings for him, he won't entertain the idea of a reconciliation we broke up under the constraints of a LDR and it was too difficult to continue, at least for him so here is me, trying to move on in the real world i think my expectations are too high already
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Only you can tell if you're still hung up on the ex. One thing I noticed is you are working a bit too hard to please him. Ask yourself a question: "Are my needs being met? Am I happy? Could I survive without him in my life?" If any of the answers are no, then you need to so some self-reflection and evaluation of the relationship. He already is starting to take you for granted and it bothers you. If you continue to 'please' him and let your boundaries be crossed, you will resent him for taking advantage of your kindness. And the only reason he does is because you allow him to.
Author francis Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 yeah but i cannot blame him for allowing me to spoil him its my doing i think we operate in very different ways my needs are what he describes as 'airy fairy' he is the kind of guy who sees absolutely NO POINT in romance simply because it serves NO PURPOSE! that is why i need a reality check from here is it stupid to expect more than practicality from a relationship. i suddenly have no idea what is normal to expect anymore
luvtoto Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 yeah but i cannot blame him for allowing me to spoil him its my doing i think we operate in very different ways my needs are what he describes as 'airy fairy' he is the kind of guy who sees absolutely NO POINT in romance simply because it serves NO PURPOSE! that is why i need a reality check from here is it stupid to expect more than practicality from a relationship. i suddenly have no idea what is normal to expect anymore Francis, I don't think any gal on LS would agree to his "NO POINT" romance theory. YES, it serves a purpose if it's your needs being met. Well, how selfish is he? Your feelings are very real. Your needs are real, also. He's not very compassionate is he.
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