Tatonka35 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I have been in an exclusive relationship for 6 months and things have been very tough and rocky, because the woman im with is dealing with having been raped by her ex husband just a week before we started seeing each other not to mention the years of abuse she had taken from him during their marriage. Having said that, over the last three months now she has allowed another man, whom i dont know at all, but she has been friends with for 25 years, and who is going through a divorce hmself, stay overnight at her apt. at least 3 or 4 nights a week, when i havent even ever stayed over there once out of respect for her 16 y/o son, and i have expressed i dont think its appropriate that he stays over night there at all and she agrees its not right and that he needs to go. But, three months now later, and he is still staying over there and moreso now than before? She has told me she has had sex with him, with the intent of hurting me on purpose, but then came clean and said she really didnt have sex with him, and just wanted to get me to shut up during an argument. SO thats why i have a big problem with him staying over night there at all, even if she really didnt have sex with him. Well, she is now avoiding me more and more, like this last time two weeks straight between the last two times ive even seen her or heard from her. She has told me before she is avoiding me and not calling me, because she wants to avoid a fight, because she knows i will be mad that he is still staying over there, so she just didnt want to deal with the fighting, because this guy is over there. But yet she tells me she has never invited him to come over, but he just takes it upon himself to do so, and watches sports with her son, and lounges around and uses her apt. as a convenient place to land at night, since he doesnt have a home anymore. Well thats all irrelevent to me, because she should tell him to get out and be done with it, if she valued our relationship at all. I have told her this hurts me deeply and she cries and feels bad, and promises to get rid of him because she swears she doesnt ever say two words to him when he is there because she is a very depressed person and always sleeps, but yet he is still there after being promised for two months to get rid of him? Well tonight, i told her i cant handle it anymore and if this guy is still staying there tomorrow, then i am going to have to end the relationship. She got upset and swore she would get rid of him, and said she feels very bad for hurting me like she has. Well, tonight, i called and i heard him in background yelling at her for whatever reason probably because i told her if she didnt get rid of him i am gone, and she said she would call me right back and hung up on me all mad. We had agreed to spend the evening together and set a time for me to go get her... well she hasnt bothered calling me at all, and i am left hanging to wonder what happened to her and it just destroys any trust i have in her because once again another broken promise, but yet she swears she is just messed up in the head, but has been faithful to me the entire time and i have the sense she is being honest with me. I am more able to believe she has been faithful because her sons live there and one isnt employed and always there and i know nothing will happen with him there, but now he got a job and is gone alot and this guy is stil going there as of right now, and refuses to leave like she has asked him to. Its her apt. not his, so to me there is no reason she cant force him to go, but yet she wont call the cops, which is the only way to get him out for sure. I cant take much more of this, what i consider abuse, even though i love this woman, because it hasnt always been like this, but now that it is, i am having a hard time allowing myself to be disrepsected outright like i am being, so do i tell her its over for good and move on and not contact her, or should i let her explain herself and the situation to me, because i know she will say there isnt anything going on between them so to her it isnt a big deal because she always says that? Does anyone buy that and even if it is true, isnt it still wrong not to consider my feelings and continue allowing it to happen, at the expense of my feelings? I am basically resolved to the fact i need to just let her go, even though i love her and just suck it up and stand up for myself once and for all and not be talked back into the relationship?
CastingPearls Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 It seems you may feel sorry for this woman because of what she has been through BUT, do you really need someone to tell you that she's treating you like sh*t? Save yourself a world of hurt and GET OUT NOW.
tikigods Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I think she has some issues she needs to work out, and I Think this is something she needsto do alone :/
blubambu Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I have been in an exclusive relationship for 6 months and things have been very tough and rocky, because the woman im with is dealing with having been raped by her ex husband just a week before we started seeing each other not to mention the years of abuse she had taken from him during their marriage. Just this statement alone is enough for me to say that the woman needs some counseling very badly. Rape is a terrible thing to go through, and even more horrific when it's committed by someone that was once supposed to love and honor you. In saying that, I think this is not a situation that you can fix. I'd walk now before there's some extreme emotional hurt. She needs time to recover from what has happened to her, as well as the normal grieving period over a relationship loss. This is not the time for her to be close to anyone, I don't think. Sometimes the best thing you can do for the other person is walk away. I think this situation qualifies. Good luck.
Author Tatonka35 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 I pretty much agree with you both... i do feel for her and i know her painful past and the harm it's done is very genuine, but she also has a mother who is the worst mother that i know of personally. Also, when your told by your mother that, "The biggest mistake of my life is having you and i wish i never did give birth to you!" i can imagine it is so hurtful it's almost not believable! But, because of these things, i have come to find her one of the most vengeful, hurtful, best game playing people with the express purpose of hurting another person, after only 6 months, i'm ready to pack it in! She rarely takes responsibility for her actions either, which makes things so frustrating and always unresolved! It's so foreign to me and I know what i have to do... i just am not sure how to do it, and i dread the moment it happens, but it's pretty much something i must do and soon!
riobikini Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Tataonka35:"... i'm ready to pack it in!" Pack it in. -Rio
Author Tatonka35 Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 It seems unanimous... I walked away from it last night after having taken her disrespect in front of others once again! I was hoping it could be somewhat decent, but with this woman... nothing is easy! She can be the most wonderful person one minute and then 2 hours later, nothing happened other than those two hours just ticked by and she can come up with some off the wall argument, that doesnt even make sense, and use it against me to ruin the whole day! Yes, hello? Am I coherent or do i just like being abused emotionally daily? Ha! Thank you all! I guess i just needed a slight push in the right direction! Thanks once again!
riobikini Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Tatonka35: Stay on the boards for back-up support. -Rio
Craig Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 Am I coherent or do i just like being abused emotionally daily? If it's a pattern, you have a challenge in selecting the wrong women.
Author Tatonka35 Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 Thanks Rio! Actually my last relationship was 8 years of happiness... the problem was i started a business and it took up 16 hours of my time every day and it cut into the time i was able to spend with my partner, and unfortunately after 3 years of it, i somehow fell out of love. But i vowed never to allow that to happen again!
blind_otter Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Um. I think it's smacks of unhealthiness to get involved with someone who has experienced such trauma so recently. Above that it takes special skills and education to be involved with a woman who has been raped. SHe needs time to get her head straight. Blame, etc. won't do any good. Have some compassion and get out of this unhealthy situation that YOU BOTH created.
Recommended Posts