Cupcake Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 This is a quote from the famous writer/ activist, Maya Angelou. I've been living by this quote and applying the meaning to all my relationships. The biggest mistake I make is believing a person will change. But now I'm confused by the quote. It implies that when I see negative traits of a person, that is who they "really are" rather than the positive person I thought they were. If I continue to love someone after seeing the negative side, then I am setting myself up for disaster. How do I know what to believe? If I'm dating a guy and he's been the perfect gentleman for a while, and then he does something terrible (ie. he cheats on me); what does that make him? At first he showed me a good side. But then he showed me a bad side. Everyone makes mistakes. Should I believe that he is a good person who made a bad mistake? Or should I believe he is a bad person who was "pretending" to be a perfect gentleman?
Mary3 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Always follow your instinct and intuition. I know its easy to wear blinders and not see what that person is doing and to convince yourself to play it down. But the REAL guy comes out sooner or later. Of course in the beginning ,. lets say he were an abuser. Do you think he would strike you upside your head in the beginning and you would still continue to date him ? Um No. That is just one of plenty of examples of someone who is not right for you but you continue to overlook their faults with the belief that they will be the wonderful person you are characterizing them to be. Any trait that is unhealthy from abuse to alcholism to chronic deadbeats is GOING to come out. The secret is to PAY attention in the beginning ! If a guy was wonderful and then cheated I would QUESTION his character. Why would he cheat if he were happy with you ? He might of been a good person but when he cheated he was no longer a good person to YOU. Please pay close attention.
MadDog Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 The secret is to PAY attention in the beginning ! It's so hard to do that though. I seriously think it's an evolutionary thing to encourage mating. The dopamine levels in your brain skyrocket when you're in that honeymoon stage. Nothing about that person seems negative and everything positive seems magnified. You literally lose objectivity in a sea of neurotransmitters. Only after the honeymoon period ends do the person's faults finally become apparent. It's only then that the so called relationship really begins. Will you be able to handle the reality of what that person is really like? Most of the time no, but we'll drive ourselves nuts trying for a while. There are definately success stories out there though so we can't be totally discouraged.
Walk Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 "The first time someone shows you who they really are, believe them." There is more then just one aspect to every person. We aren't simple creatures. To assume that one example would show who a person is inside is limiting the other person to a one plane existence. It's a combination of things. A broader scope of actions to define the person inside. Take your example. He's a good person til one day he cheats. He is showing who he is at that point. He probably avoids problems and seeks the "easier" route of non-confrontation. He also didn't take the more mature route of breaking off your relationship prior to sleeping with someone else. He possibly lacks respect not only for you, but also for himself. These aspects are who he is... but trying to pin one word such as good or bad on a human being is nearly impossible. We're too complex. Take a broader approach to understand how the actions or reactions show the person inside. It'd be like condeming a man for killing a kitten as evil, yet he raised 2 children with great love and gentleness... He showed his true self in both aspects. We need a broader view of the complexities. We tend to get caught in a tunnel of only positive (or negative) view when beginning a relationship. So when someones actions show that he has the capability to destroy a small life, that is who he is. But he also has the capability for great love. Those are both aspects of his true self. Then we have to decide if all of those aspects can work within our own lives and belief structures. Not just one aspect of that person. p.s. The labels of "good" and "bad" are the weak aspect of the argument. It's confining and limiting. Not the totality of their actions. But making them fit into pre-defined roles of good guy or bad guy.
Outcast Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 It'd be like condeming a man for killing a kitten as evil, yet he raised 2 children with great love and gentleness... He showed his true self in both aspects. Not all that likely that a kitten-killer would, in fact, raise two children well. People who do violence to animals have little respect for life, human or animal. In fact people who damage animals are highly likely to be violent to humans. Angelou's point is that something truly bad should not be excused away because it's a foretelling of what will happen to you. The warning to be heeded is that at the beginning of a relationship, everybody looks wonderful. Don't believe they are for several months until you see the real person. It's not that the bad things they do are an anomaly, it's that that's how they usually are but for a while they were able to hide it from you. Too many people stick in terrible relationships wanting to get back to 'how it was in the beginning' when 'how it was in the beginning' was an illusion.
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 How do I know what to believe? If I'm dating a guy and he's been the perfect gentleman for a while, and then he does something terrible (ie. he cheats on me); what does that make him? A Fraud. …Should I believe that he is a good person who made a bad mistake? It isn't a 'mistake' to deliberately lie, betray, and keep secrets from someone. It takes purposeful action and careful planning to dupe someone into believing you’re a trustworthy person when your fraudulent actions and shady behavior prove otherwise. The 'mistake' is when you get careless, slip-up, forget to cover your tracks and get caught.
alphamale Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 How do I know what to believe? If I'm dating a guy and he's been the perfect gentleman for a while, and then he does something terrible (ie. he cheats on me); what does that make him? it makes him a normal, average, garden-variety person who is made up of both good and bad...
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 That's a great quote. I use it all the time. I learned to stop listening to what people say and pay more attention to what they do. Words mean nothing, it's their actions that prove what they are thinking.
Pyro Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 it makes him a normal, average, garden-variety person who is made up of both good and bad... Excuse me? I am a normal and average male and I do not cheat.
witabix Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 There is more then just one aspect to every person. We aren't simple creatures. To assume that one example would show who a person is inside is limiting the other person to a one plane existence. It's a combination of things. A broader scope of actions to define the person inside. Take your example. He's a good person til one day he cheats. He is showing who he is at that point. He probably avoids problems and seeks the "easier" route of non-confrontation. He also didn't take the more mature route of breaking off your relationship prior to sleeping with someone else. He possibly lacks respect not only for you, but also for himself. These aspects are who he is... but trying to pin one word such as good or bad on a human being is nearly impossible. We're too complex. Take a broader approach to understand how the actions or reactions show the person inside. It'd be like condeming a man for killing a kitten as evil, yet he raised 2 children with great love and gentleness... He showed his true self in both aspects. We need a broader view of the complexities. We tend to get caught in a tunnel of only positive (or negative) view when beginning a relationship. So when someones actions show that he has the capability to destroy a small life, that is who he is. But he also has the capability for great love. Those are both aspects of his true self. Then we have to decide if all of those aspects can work within our own lives and belief structures. Not just one aspect of that person. p.s. The labels of "good" and "bad" are the weak aspect of the argument. It's confining and limiting. Not the totality of their actions. But making them fit into pre-defined roles of good guy or bad guy. An excellent post Walk, again. Excellent points well made. I learned to stop listening to what people say and pay more attention to what they do. Words mean nothing, it's their actions that prove what they are thinking. And I agree 1000% CaliGuy, words are made for lying, actions speak the truth.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 It's so hard to do that though. I seriously think it's an evolutionary thing to encourage mating. The dopamine levels in your brain skyrocket when you're in that honeymoon stage. Nothing about that person seems negative and everything positive seems magnified. You literally lose objectivity in a sea of neurotransmitters. Only after the honeymoon period ends do the person's faults finally become apparent. It's only then that the so called relationship really begins. Will you be able to handle the reality of what that person is really like? Most of the time no, but we'll drive ourselves nuts trying for a while. There are definately success stories out there though so we can't be totally discouraged. This is very insightful and true. Nice post reply!
Lishy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Look out for the little things in the beginning as they will be the huge issues further on into the relationship! Everyone has faults but you have to decide of you can 'put up' with your partners' faults!
Mary3 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I have trained my mind ( as of late ) to pay attention in the VERY beginning when things just don't seem right. As painful as it is , it gets better , to make yourself open your eyes in the beginning. Is that person romantic ? They claimed they were but they aren't doing much in the romantic sense. They claim they are affectionate but the only affection you really get is foreplay right before sex. Open thy eyes . I heard something very interesting this morning and would like to share it with you. If you say " I love dogs " and they mimic " Hey, I love Dogs too " ! or " I love kids " and they say " Me too, I love kids " that you need to look at their life situation. Do they in fact own a dog ? Do they have kids or seriously plan on having one ? Thats just one great step in finding out if they are full of crackers or serious in wanting the same things you want. There is so much more I have learned. If we could all just force our eyes open and keep them open we could prevent 6 months of denial and shock and wonder what the heck happened. The CLUES are there ! Make them make sense to you. That way you can weed out the people that are not right for you.
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