ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 -how do you know if its you being too needy or if its your s/o not meeting your needs -how long do you stop hoping your s/o will change until you do the changing yourself -how long do you stop thinking that it's just a phase your s/o is going through until you realize your s/o is actually a changed person -how do you deal with a s/o that wants to impress everyone in their lives, except you -what can you do to get the emotion back in an emotionless marriage -how did I fall so low on my s/o totem pole of vip -how do you know if divorce is too durastic these are the questions I'd love an answer to....
tikigods Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 point 2. You can't change someone, you can make a suggestion, but the only way a person will change is if THEY want to. If you have talked with them, and given then enough time to change, or even show improvment, then chances are they won't change at all 3. If you see it for more then a month, maybe two 1. If your needs are being met then its not to needy to expect that from the person you love. Like my husband, he works a lot but will always take some time in teh day to watch a show with me or other wise be with me, now if he wasn't working and was just ignoring me all day that would be a different story How old are you guys? How long have you been married? and how long did you date before you did get married? The low man on the totem pole question is one you would need to ask your sig other. Divorce is when you feel that you have tried everything and none of it has worked
johan Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 -how do you know if its you being too needy or if its your s/o not meeting your needs You determine what your needs are, you determine which of those your partner has a part in meeting. It's trial and error, to some extent, to differentiate needs from wants. It gets more clear over time. -how long do you stop hoping your s/o will change until you do the changing yourself You have to be fair with your partner. You have to understand yourself very well. And mutual change and some compromise on relatively unimportant things should be constant. Knowing what your true needs are is key. -how long do you stop thinking that it's just a phase your s/o is going through until you realize your s/o is actually a changed person To some extent, going through "phases" is a sign of immaturity. A person of any depth will always have shifting interests, but a mature person should have a pretty stable personality and all the "phases" should have passed. Mid-life crises are an exception. If it's truly a "phase" then I'm not sure you can predict what kind of person he/she will be when it passes. In that case, I'd say it may be too early to make serious commitments due to the risk. -how do you deal with a s/o that wants to impress everyone in their lives, except you Not sure. I'd say if your partner truly doesn't care whether you're impressed, then you may not have that person's respect. On the other hand, your partner should have a different set of things that you should be impressed with. And you should be prepared to be taken for granted sometimes. I'd have to know whether what you said is really true or just a matter of perspective. -what can you do to get the emotion back in an emotionless marriage I have no idea. This is one of life's mysteries for me. -how did I fall so low on my s/o totem pole of vip Again, I'm not sure this isn't a matter of perspective. It could be you don't have your partner's respect. I think it's true that you can't expect people to value you more highly than you value yourself. And if you value yourself highly enough, you would choose not to associate with people whose regard for you is too low. Because you're married, I'd say that you have some fights in your future if you want to rise back up the pole. -how do you know if divorce is too durastic I don't know. It probably breaks down to cost-benefit. What are the costs of doing it? What are the benefits? If you listed them, put a value on them, weighted by the probability each would actually occur, you can get some insight on how you really feel about it. In the end this is all your call. -these are the questions I'd love an answer to.... Congratulations! These answers come without warrantee or guarantee. This is "buyer beware".
Author ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 point 2. You can't change someone, you can make a suggestion, but the only way a person will change is if THEY want to. If you have talked with them, and given then enough time to change, or even show improvment, then chances are they won't change at all 3. If you see it for more then a month, maybe two 1. If your needs are being met then its not to needy to expect that from the person you love. Like my husband, he works a lot but will always take some time in teh day to watch a show with me or other wise be with me, now if he wasn't working and was just ignoring me all day that would be a different story How old are you guys? How long have you been married? and how long did you date before you did get married? The low man on the totem pole question is one you would need to ask your sig other. Divorce is when you feel that you have tried everything and none of it has worked I've been married over 2 years, dated 7 before that, I'm 28, she's 27. Divorce is something I ponder more often than I want. It's something that I don't want to do, can't imagine doing, but that voice in the back of my head tells me the only way I can be happy is if I am not with her anymore. God I hate that voice.... She is not the same person I fell in love with. I thought she was going through a phase but am thinking its more than that. I believe the person I fell in love with is no more than a distant memory, and hoping that that person will return is just wasting my time. My wife, the one who used to love me to bits and pieces, who looked up to me, who adored me, was attracted to me, conversed with me, is now someone who I don't even know anymore. She has morphed into this wild party girl who just wants to drink and look good for everyone else but me. I am at my wits end with this girl I call my wife.
Author ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 I think it's true that you can't expect people to value you more highly than you value yourself. And if you value yourself highly enough, you would choose not to associate with people whose regard for you is too low. So true...
tikigods Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 It sounds to me as if shehas started to look at everything she might have missed out in life. She's been with you since she was 20 and since those are high times when people really discover themselves and go out and do those wild things, she might be thinking that she needs to make up for it. Has she recently mad esome younger friends? Have you talked to her about that? I agree with Johan that you need to value yourself and when you do that you will find that you don't want to be around people who don't value you in the same way. I think its time you sit her down and tell her how you feel, explain to her that she has changed and let her know that you are thinking of ending the relationship and see how she responds. I would say though that if she is unwilling to work things out with you, or doesn't change in the direction that makes you feel better, then its time to let her go live the life she wants while you find a woman that will want to be with you
catgirl1927 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 This is why I really don't think most people should marry SO young. She missed out on a lot of cool stuff. I missed it too, and I had some wild phases. The thing is, people don't realize how much someone can change from 20-27. It's really a HUGE gap in time, more so than it seems. She's not the child you fell in love with. She is turning into a woman and trying to figure out what that means to her. Without knowing the details of what's going on, I really can't give any good advice about what you need to do. But, you said she "worshipped" you and now she doesn't. It sounds to me like she was a little child who looked up to you and thought the world revolved around you, and now she realizes that she's a person too and that you are just another person, not some sort of deity. This sounds to me like someone who thought he'd married to get a maid and fan club and is having trouble adjusting to being married to a human being who wants her own life. Cheating, excessive drinking, drugs, being mean, these are all serious problems. If that's it, maybe divorce is the answer. But if you're going to divorce her because her world doesn't revolve around you, then you are setting yourself up for serial marraiges to 20 year olds, because that's what you're going to have to do to maintain that god/disciple relationship.
Author ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 This is why I really don't think most people should marry SO young. She missed out on a lot of cool stuff. I missed it too, and I had some wild phases. The thing is, people don't realize how much someone can change from 20-27. It's really a HUGE gap in time, more so than it seems. She's not the child you fell in love with. She is turning into a woman and trying to figure out what that means to her. Without knowing the details of what's going on, I really can't give any good advice about what you need to do. But, you said she "worshipped" you and now she doesn't. It sounds to me like she was a little child who looked up to you and thought the world revolved around you, and now she realizes that she's a person too and that you are just another person, not some sort of deity. This sounds to me like someone who thought he'd married to get a maid and fan club and is having trouble adjusting to being married to a human being who wants her own life. Cheating, excessive drinking, drugs, being mean, these are all serious problems. If that's it, maybe divorce is the answer. But if you're going to divorce her because her world doesn't revolve around you, then you are setting yourself up for serial marraiges to 20 year olds, because that's what you're going to have to do to maintain that god/disciple relationship. My wife has never seen me as a deity, and I didn't marry her to worship me either. I'm not that person at all, neither is she. We're both independant as much as we are dependant on each other, both strong people with lots of friends. However, the affection she showed in previous years has slowly over this past year dwindled to almost non-exististant. She's says its how she is now, she has found this new person inside her and loves the way she is. She's lost some wieght (not that she was over wieght before) and she's gotten more into how she looks and her style has completely changed. Guys notice her alot more now and she likes it obviously. I wouldn't have a problem with any of this if she actually showed me some attention as well instead of all of it going to her friends, her workmates and basically everyone except me. I feel cast aside as a matter of fact and all our peronal goals we had together have been set aside, starting a family being one of them. So I find myself contimplating what the heck happened, and what to do about it. I mean we've had our issues which have been well documented on this board...but nonetheless, I didn't marry someone to be treated this way.
tikigods Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I just went back and read your previous posts, and I think its time that you two went your seperate ways. It doesn't sound like she wants to be with you for any other reason then to have someone there for her, and even then. I say its time to look into a divorce lawyer and get your stuff protected, and move on to another woman and let her live her crazy lifestyle, you really have no place in her life anymore
carmaenforcer Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Dang man I had a whole list of answers to your list of questions but it's irrelavent after reading more about your Wife. She is like my ex, trying to sow her wild oats, let her freak flag fly to make up for having been taken off the meat market too young, poor baby. Granted if she's only been with you since age 18, it explains why she is acting this way, doesn't excuess her actions, it just makes more sence. On top of that she found a new self esteem after loosing some wieght and is getting attention from guys. Yeah hate to say it but you might want to do as tikigods said and get out now and cut your loses. I am not a quiter myself but some people like an animal that has gotten a taste for blood and can't be trusted anymore, need to be put down. NOW I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU PUT HER "DOWN"!!! Lucky for you, you are young enough to make a good life with a woman that has been there and done that and is more in the same place in life that you want to be, start a family all that mess. She will someday see what is out there and if you were special she will regret pushing you away, but hopefuly you will be to happy somewhere else to even care.
Author ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 well i finally made an arrangement with a counseler, just with myself tho. I feel that its kind of an easy decision to make from someone looking in on my situation, but for me right now, I just have to be 100% sure this is what I want to do. Just the thought of it makes me sick, but I just have to keep reminding myself of the pain I've been through the past year. Thanks for everyone's replies. Its been a tough go for me lately...its good to here from fellow LS'ers...
Ladyjane14 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Do you and your wife have any children together? You know under ordinary circumstances, I think you can measure your readiness for divorce with this question: "Would I rather spend the rest of my life alone, than to spend it with THIS person?" But you know, you two are pretty young, and if you don't have kids to think about... Well, life gets tougher not easier. So, I'm not sure that the above 'litmus test' would apply to you.
Author ryan05 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Do you and your wife have any children together? You know under ordinary circumstances, I think you can measure your readiness for divorce with this question: "Would I rather spend the rest of my life alone, than to spend it with THIS person?" But you know, you two are pretty young, and if you don't have kids to think about... Well, life gets tougher not easier. So, I'm not sure that the above 'litmus test' would apply to you. no kids....actually, it was the inability for her to have kids that ultimately lead to this whole fiasco.
tikigods Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 While that might have been one of the things I doubt very muchly that all of this came from that.
carmaenforcer Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 OMG ryan05, my ex too thought she couldn't have kids and soon after kicked her selfish, I forgot I was in a relationship behavior into full gear. It's normal to be afraid of the unknown, leaving someone you've been with for so long and not knowing what's in your future, is scary. You might be thinking, "If I just wait a little longer, she might change", "what if I don't find someone or someone better", etc. Don't worry, life goes on, even when you don't want it to and with it comes new love and new lose, that's just life. Just remember it's usually better to get out when you still have some dignity and before your self worth is all shot to isht. You sound a little weakened to me by the whole ordeal. Ask your self how strong and confident does she seem? Is she loosing any sleep over your pain? Is that kind of person worth the trouble? Good luck buddy. I will be checking in on you from time to time. Be strong.
Author ryan05 Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 tikigods, thats actually exactly what happened. She's even admitted it to me. Ever since she found out that having children isn't going to happen anytime soon she began focusing on other things, like herself, her work, her friends, her social life, and left me behind to hold the fort so to speak. She put up these huge walls, and left me on the outside. This she has confided in me and says it's the way its going to be because she's having the time of her life now. Unfortunately, I'm rarely the cause of her "good times" anymore. She wanted children so bad before, thats the one thing she couldn't wait for when we were young. And not able to have them was a huge blow to her. I have alot of understanding for her in that respect, trust me, I'm a patient and very undertanding person, but on the other hand, she has taken advantage, and taken me for granted during this whole past year and I don't know how much I can handle it anymore. Like I said to her, if I felt loved by her than this wouldn't be an issue, but I haven't, at all, and her list of priorities has changed durastically over the year. carmenenforcer, thanks, I'm trying to be strong mentally. Like I said before, she's having the time of her life right now, and me on the other hand, have ahd about the worst year in my life. But now matter what happens, I know I have awsome friends for support and I truely believe that I can handle what ever comes my way.
Becoming Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Sorry, Ryan. You've been through a really hard time together. You've both experienced the death of a dream, and people don't mourn the same way. It sounds like she needs to feel good about herself and perhaps you remind her of what makes her feel bad about herself. I'm glad you're getting counselling for your sake. If you've done all you can to salvage this relationship, then divorce becomes an option. Your first question is how do you know if you're being too needy or if it's just your s/o not meeting your needs. The focus of that question is on your needs, but when we're married, we agree to meet the other person's needs, so I'll ask a tougher question: how do you know if she's being selfish or if it's her just trying to get needs met that she didn't/doesn't get met by you? Have you had that conversation in light of the emotional needs stuff on http://www.marriagebuilders.com?
carmaenforcer Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 You are less alone than you think ryan05. I have a feeling like I will be dealing with something like this soon. You see my W really wants to have kids to and we have not been able to get pregnant yet, been trying for a few months. There might not be anything wrong, haven't gone to get checked yet, but if there is I fear that it will kill our relationship. I may not be giving my W or her love for me enough credit but I have this fear inside. I haven't told anyone, you guys are the first time that I say this outload. Feels good to get it off my chest. I will of coarse keep everyone updated if my fear come true or if I'm just tripping. I have gotten used to rolling with the punches and that's the only thing keeping me from freaking out even though inside I'm trembling like a leaf.
tikigods Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 I will never understand why marriages fail when you can't have a biological child. I have always thought that marriage is based on two people truly loving and wanting to spend the rest of their lives together, and a child born onto them would be a happy end to this, but not something to make or break, it seems to me if thats the case then the child was important not the person you had it with. Also there is always the option of adopting. I think woman use this as an excuse to let themselves go wild since they don't see anything holding them back, which is a shame. When I took my vows I promised to love my husband for whatever may happen, that doesn't change if suddenly we can't get knocked up
Becoming Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 I'm with tiki on this. I was told I might have trouble conceiving, and I thought, well, that's that. No big deal. There are lots of children in the world who need a loving home . . . . But not everyone feels like that. There's something really visceral and primal about the ability to bring a child into the world, as though its a prime directive we must fulfill or fail as a human being. You know the Bible has God telling us only a few things at the beginning, one of which is to be fruitful and multiply. It's just ingrained into our culture, our psyches, etc. But there are other things we're created to do as well, and Lord knows we've got enough people on the planet, so I figure between all of us we've got that divine prime directive covered. Carmen, now that you've put the fear in words here, I hope it has less power over you. She's probably scared of the very same thing. These kinds of fears--that we'll only be loved if we can do {list whatever here}--are probably what lead us to do all the crazy crap we do that kills our relationships. Pull the fear out of the darkness where it works, shine the light on it, share it, talk about it, and you take away its power. Good for you, Carmen, you light bearer, you! Shine on!
Becoming Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 P. S. I ended up pregnant with no problem at all. It'll happen as it happens or not, in which case, it'll still happen however you decide you want it to or not.
carmaenforcer Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Thanks Becoming, I try hard to keep an open line of communication between my W and I, she, even though it doesn't come as second nature to her, tries to do the same. So I did fight my fears a while ago and in tears told her how I feared she would leave me if she couldn't become pregnant. She held me and told me that she would never leave me for that reason, that she loves me and it would just suck if we couldn't conceive. I have been told things before and then seen the opposite happen so I have little faith in words, but I love my W and will continue to do so regardless of what god, nature or fate may have in store for us. My ex was told the same thing, that she would have a hard time conceiving but she did last year with her new man, my Mom was told that she could no longer have kids after my older brother died, but then she had me. Another couple I know of tries for 15 years and could not have a baby, they finally adopted a little boy and then got pregnant less than a year later. I have two kids myself from previous relationships and so am not trying to leave a legacy or anything like that. Been there done that for me. I just love my W very much and would like to have a little peace of her and me to raise and to share in our happiness.
Author ryan05 Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 Thanks Becoming, I try hard to keep an open line of communication between my W and I, she, even though it doesn't come as second nature to her, tries to do the same. So I did fight my fears a while ago and in tears told her how I feared she would leave me if she couldn't become pregnant. She held me and told me that she would never leave me for that reason, that she loves me and it would just suck if we couldn't conceive. I have been told things before and then seen the opposite happen so I have little faith in words, but I love my W and will continue to do so regardless of what god, nature or fate may have in store for us. My ex was told the same thing, that she would have a hard time conceiving but she did last year with her new man, my Mom was told that she could no longer have kids after my older brother died, but then she had me. Another couple I know of tries for 15 years and could not have a baby, they finally adopted a little boy and then got pregnant less than a year later. I have two kids myself from previous relationships and so am not trying to leave a legacy or anything like that. Been there done that for me. I just love my W very much and would like to have a little peace of her and me to raise and to share in our happiness. ya its still early. sometimes if the woman is on birthcontrol it can take awhile for her to fully get off of it. keep at it. my advice is try and not make it a chore. making babies should be fun and if you get stressed out and make it feel like its a chore, that will do no good to anybody. My and my wife have been trying for 2 1/2 years now, and the stress of it all has gotten to us as you can see. So no matter what, just remember that.
Author ryan05 Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 You are less alone than you think ryan05. I have a feeling like I will be dealing with something like this soon. You see my W really wants to have kids to and we have not been able to get pregnant yet, been trying for a few months. There might not be anything wrong, haven't gone to get checked yet, but if there is I fear that it will kill our relationship. I may not be giving my W or her love for me enough credit but I have this fear inside. I haven't told anyone, you guys are the first time that I say this outload. Feels good to get it off my chest. I will of coarse keep everyone updated if my fear come true or if I'm just tripping. I have gotten used to rolling with the punches and that's the only thing keeping me from freaking out even though inside I'm trembling like a leaf. That fear is natural to have in this case. And if your wife truely loves you, it shoudn't be an issue. Keep the communication open between the two of you.
Author ryan05 Posted April 27, 2006 Author Posted April 27, 2006 So my wife and I have this fertility consultation appointment to see wether or not she can conceive or not and what other options we have. Some results have come in that they want to go over. My wife told me if it turns out that she cannot have children, that our marriage might be over. I can't believe she said that to me, although I suspected she felt that way, her saying it out loud really stung. I've had these feelings inside that no matter what these results come back that I'm not sure if I can stay with my wife. Sometimes I feel that there has been to much said and to much focus on this negative BS in that I don't know if our marriage endure. I've lost alot of self respect, respect for my wife, respect for our relationship, I've cried so much lately in the night while she sleeps soundly in her bed. I just do not know. I have my first counseling session tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous, I'm not sure what to expect.
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