Slapshot2286 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I've been with my gf almost 3 years (July 8). Everything's always been pretty good. I mean sure, we've fought and had some bad ones, but we've never broken up/separated or anything. We're at the same college, living like 3 miles from one another (wasn't always this way....was a LDR for 1.75 years, London and US). We're both 20 years old now. I love her very much. However, I feel a bit stifled. I feel like I'm ditching my friends, and I feel like I'm missing out on very much of the college life. I really enjoy spending time with her, but these feelings pull at me. They also affect our sex life. She's always rearing to go, 24/7. I, however, am not. I am a very busy person. I have 6 classes per semester, run a computer business, and train with ROTC and the National Guard. On top of that, I've recently begun the process of buying a house (sweet!). I'm busy literally every single day of the week. When I get home, I am tired and want to sleep, not have sex. She, obviously, doesn't like this very much. Anyway, lately I've been really jumping back and forth inside my head. I have this one feeling pulling at me that I'm missing out, ditching friends, etc. On the other hand, my love pulls me in the opposite direction, towards her. She's a cute girl, and treats me AMAZING, but in the last year or so, she's gained a significant amount of weight (she used to be anorexic, so 5lbs changes a lot.....) and doesn't work out anymore or anything. She never really "looked" anorexic, just fit. I didn't know for almost 2 years that she was anorexic, and she's gotten help since and is getting much better. This has affected me a bit, but I don't really say anything because I don't want to offend her. About 2 months ago, I pretty much broke down from all these feelings inside my head. It just got to be too much for me, and for like a day I just went nuts (not worth the explanation....basically, I was just mentally exhausted). She was there for me, and got me back on my feet. Given where I'm at (college), I've found myself looking at the scenery...a lot (not the trees). I never really....I dunno....LUST after these girls or anything....but I never used to check out other girls, and now I do. On top of this, I was recently on a plane home from Austin, TX, and noticed this hot girl next to me. I ended up striking up a conversation with her, and she was coming on to me really strong. She's 23, and has a really good job and all that. But anyway, she asks me if I want to hang out with her when she gets back in town, and the "I have a girlfriend" line didn't pop out. I said "yeah, definitely!" So we exchanged numbers. I was kinda shocked myself at this, and felt really guilty afterwards. Yet, I haven't been able to stop thinking about this mystery girl since it happened. I find myself looking forward to when she gets back in town, and every day I feel even more guilty...yet...Im attracted to her. I'm extremely confused....
Walk Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Please tell me your exagerating about 5lbs being a "significant amount of weight". Can you clarify your meaning on this, because I'm reading it to say that you find her less attractive because she gained 5lbs. 3 years is a long time when you're as young as you are. People change an incredible amount up until about 25-28. You won't be doing either of you any good if you stifle your concerns and desires. Not only will it cause you to resent your gf, but could also lead to behaviors that you could seriously regret later. (ie: cheating) Also, it sounds as if you love your gf, but aren't as "in love" with her as before. Probably due to changes in the both of you. As time passes, these changes may become more pronounced. You could take steps to strengthen the bond you have with your gf. Create situations in which the two of you could grow together, and re-establish the feelings of "in love". Or you may choose to recognize that the relationship is following a natural progression towards ending, and take steps to deal with it as a mature, responsible adult.
catgirl1927 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 You sound like you really want out of this relationship but you're too cowardly to just do it. If a girl can gain 5 lbs and you aren't attracted to her any more, you need to be a man and let her go so she can find someone who deserves her. That's a horribly cruel attitude, and I hope someone does that to you one day so you can see how it feels. I wouldn't imagine that you're all that perfect either. You need to break up with this girl so she has a chance to be happy, and you need to grow up so you can be happy.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Wow you guys TOTALLY misunderstood what I was saying! Please don't judge too quickly! If I was a coward I would not be working so hard to save my relationship. Cat what I meant was that when a girl is anorexic, 5lbs shows up a lot more than on someone with a normal diet. She has gained quite a bit more than that. I can only guess...but I'm not really concentrating on numbers. The numbers don't matter to me. What matters is that she doesn't take care of herself. I excercise 5 days a week if not more. I live a very healthy lifestyle. She eats ok, but rarely, if ever, exercises. She'll say things like how lucky I am to have such a good body and all that, but in reality, its about how much effort you put into it. I didn't get to looking how I do (not that I'm trying to boost my ego) by working out once every 2-3 weeks. The bottom line is that she complains about not having a good body all the time, but she doesn't put any effort into it. That bothers me. Again, let me stress, I was not saying 5lbs is a significant amount of weight. I was trying to say that when even 5lbs makes a big difference on someone who's been anorexic, imagine what 50lbs does. Let me also say that she is still very happy with the relationship. I do not believe in cheating, I don't disrespect her, and I try to give her the best world that I can. I have never done anything to lose her trust. She has made out with a guy directly in front of me before (she didn't know I was there). Did I leave like a coward? Well, as you can see I didn't, because I love her and want to work things out. Does this clear things up on that at least?
catgirl1927 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Yes. I'm glad you cleared that up, I was ready to kick you in the shins. It's not so much about looks as it is about lifestyle. Let me tell you, I struggled with this in my marriage. One of the major disconnects he and I had was that he just didn't care at all about a healthy lifestyle or about the way he looked. At ALL. I'm much happier being with someone who is also into working out and taking care of yourself. It's really important, it's a bigger deal than people think. It's not about the results so much as it's about the effort.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Yes. I'm glad you cleared that up, I was ready to kick you in the shins. My shins were already wincing in pain even though you hadn't done it yet. I could tell you were pissed lol. I hate sounding like "that guy" that keeps his girl at a certain weight and controls her and gets all upset when a girl gains weight. I don't do that AT ALL. Weight fluctuations are normal. God knows I go through them too. But as things get increasingly worse, it gets hard to ignore. Yeah...that's the thing though. Like she preaches healthy lifestyle, eat healthy, work out, etc, but when it comes down to it....she doesn't do it. I still think that even though she's not "anorexic" anymore, she still struggles with it (which is understandable). I think she still limits her weight by how much she eats, rather than how much physical activity she does. The thing is, she knows that if you're working more calories off than you're taking in, then you'll lose weight. The problem, is that you don't decrease the amount of calories you take in significantly (because your body still needs these calories to survive...and when you don't give your body all the energy it needs, it stores it), you increase the amount of physical activity you do. She has it backwards. It makes me mad that she can preach a healthy lifestyle, but doesn't live it. And as you probably know, its frustrating. I really think that that's one of my biggest issues. There are TONS of girls here that DO take care of themselves and work out all the time. I think that's why I've found myself looking. And just like she thinks of me, she thinks that they're just blessed with good bodies. Very few people are "blessed" with this. You can tell the people who work out and work for what they have and those who don't.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 9, 2006 Author Posted April 9, 2006 K nobody really answered the questions or helped me with my confusion
westernxer Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I really think that that's one of my biggest issues. There are TONS of girls here that DO take care of themselves and work out all the time. I think that's why I've found myself looking. And just like she thinks of me, she thinks that they're just blessed with good bodies. Very few people are "blessed" with this. You can tell the people who work out and work for what they have and those who don't. Then break up with your girl and date around a bit. You're looking to do it anyway, and college is the place to do it.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 9, 2006 Author Posted April 9, 2006 Then break up with your girl and date around a bit. You're looking to do it anyway, and college is the place to do it. But I really do love her and care about her. I'm actually about to make a new thread about something along these lines. I'll post the link here in a sec or you can see it in the Dating section.
amerikajin Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 I think what you're saying is that you love her but you're not in love with her. You don't see this as a long-term thing and in your mind, the relationship has probably run its course - it happens. You're also young, and this is probably one of your first real relationships. It's not uncommon for people to go through four or five extended relationships (i.e. more than a year) before they finally find someone they're ready to settle down with. You may need more experience. The right thing to do is to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend. Before you talk to her, make sure that there's clarity in your mind about whether or not you think there's any chance the relatioship can continue. If there is, then first work on trying to save what you have. But if not, don't be afraid to be honest and just tell her that you're ready to move on.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted April 9, 2006 Author Posted April 9, 2006 Honestly, I find it impossible to move on. I cannot even think of life by myself. I've been with her since I turned 17. We grew together, went to college together, and everything. I don't even know whether or not I would think it can continue or not, because I can't imagine anything different. How do you come to terms with not being in love with somebody?? I am sitting here thinking its impossible to be without her. I really don't want to be without her. I really enjoy her company. I enjoy being with her and spending time with her. I don't want to give that up, but on the other hand, something isn't right.
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