basscatcher Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Ughh; I was reading another thread that opened up this can of worms in me. I pushed it out of my mind until now. Last night I got a call from my XH (D). He was somber in tone and snapped at me without raising his voice and said, "Well, your rich and I'm gonna lose everything!" I said, "what?". He proceeded to tell me he recieved two letters from child support that his taxes have been taken by them. AND his boss just put in his 2 week resignation so he doesn't know where his job stands. WTF? Why does he feel he has to call me and jab at me for his own stupidity over the years.. He is the one who chose to do drugs, drink all the time, and physically/mentally/verbally abuse me until I walked out on him 11 1/2 years later. He is the one who chose to not look for stable work for almost 4 years and get paid 'under the table' so child support wouldn't be taken out. During the divorce I was nice to him. The lawyer wanted him to pay over $400 a month in support when he was earning $7.50/hour 40+ hours a week. I said, "NO' and I told my lawyer that he will not survive off what he is left with. I explained I was the one who handled all the finances. I kept the accounts, paid the bills and budgeted it all. I said he is barely making it now and I wrote up a statement explaining his income vs basic living expenses. So the lawyer reduced the claim and wouldn't allow the child support to be under $300/month. That is what it has been at for a little over 8 years. I had the opportunity to have it evaluated because he is making more money then I am an hour currently but I have chosen not too because for the past 2 1/2 years he has paid his support and arrears also I know he pays more rent then I do in a run-down shyt hole and his student loan is defaulted.. I have been very kind to him about child support. Yet he felt the need to call me to feel sorry for him? or even guilty because all his tax return is coming to me for arrears!! WOW--he is a idiot. I reminded him that its his own fault from his choices in life and he snapped at me and said to not lecture him. He just wanted to call to tell me he is losing everything. WTH am I suppose to do about it.. NOTHING... He is a idiot.. I feel for him but I don't feel sorry for him. The choices he made are his own damn fault that landed him where he is at. He has sought me out for advice in the past and I gave it to him but he didn't take it. I told him to find a cheaper place to live. I told him to stop buying weed and booze and get into a rehab. He didn't. I told him to stop spending money on everyone or buying things for people and budget .. He didn't. I told him to stop buying shyt he didn't need because he can't afford it. He didn't listen.. He is a fool and a fool and his money will soon part.... I am happy that he finally filed his taxes. He hasn't filed in over 4 years. I have been raising our son on my own since 1998. With very little help from him. VERY LITTLE.. This money I plan to get my son's teeth completely done, get his eyes checked and get new glasses for him. I might even be able to help him get his driving permit now.. All my struggles through the years without his fathers help.. I have been praying that they would catch up to him and nail him...
MusicWoman Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 throw out the seeds!! You know exactly that you 100% do not need to feel guilty at all...good for you
Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I like everything except the seeds of guilt part. But they don't seem to have landed on fertile soil and that's good. Your ex reminds me of my wife's ex. Because he, too, used weed, harder drugs when he could get them and drank like there was no tomorrow, she left and divorced him when their daughters were toddlers. My wife asked for $100 per girl per month, knowing he probably wouldn't even come up with that. He didn't. Eighteen years later, when the girls weer 20 and 22, my wife and I married. Mr. Deadbeat had a tizzy because he had always hoped they'd get back together. Obviously he was delusional! He really started gulping down the booze to the point that he was having seizures. He then told his daughters that he and everything else would be alright if my wife would just come take care of him. She didn't so he finished the process of killing himself with a booze and drug overdose. Like you, she took care of her children by herself, never counted on anything from him and got on with her life. Like your ex, right to the end, he blamed her for his failures. Oh well!
Author basscatcher Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 I have helped out my XH when I could. Sometimes I did more then I should. I know how messed up his family is and they can't be counted on for support or help. He does blame me for his misery and I know he is a grown man and makes his own decisions. I did my best to give him the lending ear for his complaints and a shoulder to cry on when his gfs broke up with him or he was having problems with his family. Even when his brother died I was there as a friend. We maintained civility towards each other for many years until the last 2 years. I gave up on him because he wasn't helping himself. Even his own son told him to get help and he choses not too. He is arrogant, selfish, self centered and can't think about other's needs. He has alienated me to many times; even as a friend. He is on his own and it is his own damn fault. I am not responsible for him nor will I help him anymore. I gave him the tools to help himself. I gave him direction and its his choice to dig them out now and use them. Either he will or he won't. It's his choice. He is 37 yrs old and lost me, his son and most-if not all- his friends. He needs to hit bottom. I pray he doesn't go past that and destoy his life by death..
Curmudgeon Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I hope he doesn't either, padameckla. Even after all those years it was difficult for my wife and even harder on their daughters. I actually ended up making the cremation arrangements and putting together a memorial and scattering of the ashes ceremony for him. You're obviously a very compassionate person. I hope he doesn't have to hit bottom also. It's painful for all. But it's NOT your fault.
MassiveAtom Posted May 2, 2006 Posted May 2, 2006 I have helped out my XH when I could. Sometimes I did more then I should. He does blame me for his misery and I know he is a grown man and makes his own decisions. I did my best to give him the lending ear for his complaints and a shoulder to cry on when his gfs broke up with him or he was having problems with his family. Even when his brother died I was there as a friend. Hey Pad, Why would you feel good about doing all these things for this person? We maintained civility towards each other for many years until the last 2 years. I gave up on him because he wasn't helping himself. Even his own son told him to get help and he choses not too. He is arrogant, selfish, self centered and can't think about other's needs. He has alienated me to many times; even as a friend. He is on his own and it is his own damn fault. I am not responsible for him nor will I help him anymore. I gave him the tools to help himself. I gave him direction and its his choice to dig them out now and use them. Either he will or he won't. It's his choice. He is 37 yrs old and lost me, his son and most-if not all- his friends. He needs to hit bottom. I pray he doesn't go past that and destoy his life by death.. It almost sounds like he was subconsciously still connected to you. And you to him. Seems like a lot more than civility. IMHO. But I could be wrong. Maybe it's time to just not be in contact with him?
Author basscatcher Posted May 3, 2006 Author Posted May 3, 2006 Hey Pad, Why would you feel good about doing all these things for this person? It almost sounds like he was subconsciously still connected to you. And you to him. Seems like a lot more than civility. IMHO. But I could be wrong. Maybe it's time to just not be in contact with him? He is the father of my child. I think a lot of women make the mistake of helping out their childs father when they fall on hard times if they ended the marriage or relationship on somewhat civil grounds. He did help me a FEW times when I was struggling because I am the mother of his son. We don't associate much anymore. I had to get a OFP on him last year because he step over the line and assaulted me. It's a long story I don't want to get into again. Things are calm now... Peace is reigning so I will accept it that way. Thanks for your inquirey
Art_Critic Posted May 3, 2006 Posted May 3, 2006 He is the father of my child. I think a lot of women make the mistake of helping out their childs father when they fall on hard times It's not a mistake.. he is the father of your child.. period.. I have helped my ex-wife out financially and with things like moving etc..etc.. because she is the mother of my stepdaughter. It is all about the kids.. not the adults
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