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It's been a YEAR...now she wants some things back...i am lost for words

tacoman

By tacoman
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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Sum it up. Was with the so far love of my life for 5 great years. out of the blue she dumps me. 2 weeks later hooks up with guy from work. I can see it a bit, we have only ever been with each other and i would lie if i said the same thing didnt pop in to my head on the odd occurance. But we were happy and things seemed great.

 

She has made no contact with me almost since the day she dumped me. A few emails, etc, but they were all initiated by me. Basically TODAY is our 1 year dumping anniversary and yes out of the blue i get an email from her. I find it weird that she would do it on today, surely even she must know that.

 

Her email isnt earth shattering. As far as i know she is still with him. I do miss her (please dont beat me for that) and i am not sure what i want or how to approach it. I need advice from people who have experience.

 

here is her email :

 

"Hey,

how are you? this may seem really out of the blue, probably because it is. However I am in a jam and of course I need something. My beautiful red guitar broke, cracked and split right up the back of the head stock and now I am guitarless. I remembered that you had my fender, you still have it right? You didn't throw it away or burn it because you hate me...

Anyway I was hoping that I could get it back, I was never going to ask but I am in need. I also think you still have a couple of my Neil Young books, which I've been looking for, (unless those were distroyed in the fire as well...)

Anyway let me know, I can pick them up maybe tomorrow evening, or whenever is good for you.

Hope everything is going good with you. My mom ran into Kara a few months ago and she said that you were getting in on this great film contract job, hope it is great... I'm still hoping that Craig Gould will be on the big screen someday...

 

Later

Amy"

 

 

 

Is it a weird way to probe me a bit? I am thinking it could (even though this is cruel) she thinks it has been a year, he must be over me, i will get it back. It just seems like such stupid things to want back. I don't know. And leaving a guitar in a box on her door is NOT an option.

 

What should i take from this and HOW do i react. I am much much better in all forms of my life by the way, i have made HUGE prgress in the year on all regards.

 

It would be nice to get positive and negative interprutations of this so i can make a decision for my self after considering all possibilities.

 

Thanks again,

 

and it is weird because this site was my escape a year ago for months........and it only seems fitting and ironic i am back again..

MadDog Established Member

MadDog

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What should i take from this and HOW do i react. I am much much better in all forms of my life by the way, i have made HUGE prgress in the year on all regards.

 

Put her e-mail on spam blocker.

tikigods Established Member

tikigods

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I would say get everything and I mean EVERYTHING that you have of hers and put it in a box and then tell her that you would meet her in a public place, like ar esturant or something, somewhere where you guys won't be alone, and bring the stuff there. Give her the stuff then say goodbye and don't talk to her again

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Just tell her that you don't have it..

 

Tell her to go away...

 

what a Cun* ...

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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Well, you could be a jerk here, but I wouldn't. Be a bigger man.

 

Box up everything of hers (which you should have done when she left you) and give it to a mutual friend or mail it to her. You need to be rid of this stuff to truly let go anyway.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

 

I will say, Neil Young?! Ugh. I would have left her for that reason alone! :p

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Well, you could be a jerk here, but I wouldn't. Be a bigger man.

 

 

pfffffghhh..better man... It has been a YEAR... not a few weeks or months.. f*** her.

tinktronik Established Member

tinktronik

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If you still have her stuff , whats the big deal? She told you why she e-mailed ( her guitar broke - she recalled you had her other one , she'd like it back if you still have it ) The rest of the e-mail was pretty polite. Whats the big deal?

KittenMoon Established Member

KittenMoon

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Give the stuff back, just do it with as little contact as possible (the mutual friend route, etc)

 

And I gotta ask: What kind of musician abandons a guitar? Most of the musicians I know would get that guitar long before a year, come hell or high water!

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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pfffffghhh..better man... It has been a YEAR... not a few weeks or months.. f*** her.

 

Hanging on to anger and bitterness doesn't let you heal, A_C. I understand being angry but really, what is that going to solve.

 

You might have your pride in tact, but at the expense of healing completely and letting go.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
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If you still have her stuff , whats the big deal? She told you why she e-mailed ( her guitar broke - she recalled you had her other one , she'd like it back if you still have it ) The rest of the e-mail was pretty polite. Whats the big deal?

 

Of course she is being nice.. she wants something from him..

 

He could just give it to her .. but notice she is also looking for other petty stuff.BOOKS.. AFTER A YEAR.. they weren't married.

 

they weren't important enought to her to ask for them way back.. They aren't important ot her today either..

 

If contacting her is going to hurt you then NO.. but if enough time has passed and you want her to have YOUR stuff.. sure..

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Hanging on to anger and bitterness doesn't let you heal, A_C. I understand being angry but really, what is that going to solve.

 

You might have your pride in tact, but at the expense of healing completely and letting go.

 

you read too many books CG

 

It isn't about Anger.. it is about moving on..

Those things were not imporrtant to her back when they were hers.. but now...

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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you read too many books CG

 

It isn't about Anger.. it is about moving on..

Those things were not imporrtant to her back when they were hers.. but now...

 

Maybe I do.

 

What I have learned about anger is that it doesn't allow you to move on. Saying 'move on' without truly letting go of the anger is impossible.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
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Maybe I do.

 

What I have learned about anger is that it doesn't allow you to move on. Saying 'move on' without truly letting go of the anger is impossible.

 

He has already said that the email didn't throw him for a loop.. so he isn't angry..

 

If he decides to not give her HIS guitar then it won't be because of anger.. ( see.. it is his guitar now.. not hers )

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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He has already said that the email didn't throw him for a loop.. so he isn't angry..

 

If he decides to not give her HIS guitar then it won't be because of anger.. ( see.. it is his guitar now.. not hers )

 

That's true. However, for the sake of moving on completely I would just box everything of hers up, drop it off at a mutual friends house and be done with it.

 

No meeting. No talking.

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

Posted
Posted
That's true. However, for the sake of moving on completely I would just box everything of hers up, drop it off at a mutual friends house and be done with it.

 

No meeting. No talking.

 

Good Point

michelangelo Established Member

michelangelo

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box it all and put the neil young books on top.

 

Ship it.

 

No drama.

 

No significance about the year anniversary of the break up. None.

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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Thanks for the input, keep it coming if you got it. I just need outside peoples opinions as i have never really dealt with anything like this before. The stuff is trivial..the books, come on...she also has like 3 or 4 other guitars sitting right at her house. This one she all of a sudden wants back is a crappy $200 beginner one, the other ones she plays are like over a grand, i dont get it.

 

I do however, now that i think about it, find it insulting that after all this time that is all she has to say. Pretty weak if you ask me.

 

Based on the past year, for her to email me is a huge deal. I don't get it. The part of my brain that misses her (marriage, blah , blah,) is looking for weak signs and the rational side is saying screw her. I am confused as hell again with all this.

 

regardless i cant answer (if i do) for a week or so as i am out of town working and going away with friends. Is all this as cut and dry as the guitar?

chocolate_boy Established Member

chocolate_boy

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the input, keep it coming if you got it. I just need outside peoples opinions as i have never really dealt with anything like this before. The stuff is trivial..the books, come on...she also has like 3 or 4 other guitars sitting right at her house. This one she all of a sudden wants back is a crappy $200 beginner one, the other ones she plays are like over a grand, i dont get it.

 

I do however, now that i think about it, find it insulting that after all this time that is all she has to say. Pretty weak if you ask me.

 

Based on the past year, for her to email me is a huge deal. I don't get it. The part of my brain that misses her (marriage, blah , blah,) is looking for weak signs and the rational side is saying screw her. I am confused as hell again with all this.

 

regardless i cant answer (if i do) for a week or so as i am out of town working and going away with friends. Is all this as cut and dry as the guitar?

 

I know you're secretly hoping she has split from the other dude and is now thinking of you again, or there is more significance to it.. if you want to find out for sure, email her back and say

 

Hey yeah I'm doing great, don't worry I will have the stuff sent to you, remind me of your address?

 

Regards

 

etc.

 

Just to the point and pleasent, don't ask her any questions, don't give her details on your life etc. If she does want more this won't be the only communication, if its all about the guitar/books etc. you won't ever hear from her again after you send them, so you know.

 

I still have a ring that belongs to my ex, I have no problem with her getting it, she hangs out at my neighbor's all the time, but she keeps sms me every few months asking me to send it to her or sort it with a friend to drop it off... If she wanted it that bad she'd get my neighbor to collect it off me. I haven't got time to go out of my way and go to the post office and stand in long early morning crowds, nor can I be bothered going out of my way to drive to hers and give it to her (I haven't seen her for 5 months, I have no desire to now).

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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I think i need the next few days any way just to gather my head with the situation and not make an ass of myself. I am under very good control, i just miss her (typical stuff) i know for a fact they are still together.

 

I really don't want to pay to ship a guitar...especially since she moved like 3 minutes away (i dont even want to get into that one). I just find it odd that just blam out of the blue and saying i can be by to get it...not like leave it outside...

 

you are right.....i do hope. But i also see my future more realistically without her based on everything. A part of me wants (as pathetic as it is) just kind of unload a bit about how well i am doing (i truly am doing very well now) since it doesnt really matter to me what she thinks anymore. It would just be nice revenge for my heart and mind. Of course i would maintain my usual course of being mature and polite.

 

Another part of me wants to ask her why she is bothering and how she doesnt see how i might find all this insulting. Especially after remembering how she has all those other guitars.

 

This seems so stupid....and on the 1 year anniversary of dumping day...to the DAY.

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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Read my thread on second chances. You're most of the way there but there's some advice there that may help you.

 

You don't need to unload anything on her. You can say much more by showing, not telling.

 

If you must see her, avoid discussing the relationship, don't ask any personal questions, etc. Life is good without her. Happily give her back her stuff and be on your way :)

 

The last thing you want to do is show her there is any resentment. Not for her, but for you. Because then you will have truly healed.

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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Thanks for the advice cali guy, as a matter of fact i just finished reading your guide. It made sense and was very well thought out.

 

You are right, i am realising i am almost there as well. I dont have anything i want to talk to her about the past or our relationship. that is over and done with..i have accepted that.

 

There is a small part of me that wants to look her in the eye (first time in almost a year) as i hand her these things. I think that would give me all the asnwers i need and potentially (as hard as this sounds) the closure i need.

 

I know i am doing better, because her contacting me was like a dream i wished would come true. As time goes by, i am less and less affected. It is truly her loss. I told her i loved her every day for 5 years and meant it, if that isnt enough.....then i guess i am not who she was truly looking for.

 

I do have the itch, to be honest, if she is losing interest in this guy. they hooked up VERY quick (within 2 - 3 weeks - out of our 5 years) and he is honestly to the T the exact opposite of me physically, personality, interests, etc.....

 

i dont know........

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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By the way.....should i wait the 4 or 5 days until i get back to respond, or just deal with it before i leave tonight?

CaliGuy Established Member

CaliGuy

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Not sure how long it's been but 2-3 days is customary.

 

Make the reply short, sweet and to the point. No chit chat, etc. Something like:

 

"Yes, I have your stuff. I'll pack it in a box for you and have it ready for you to pick up. I'm available briefly at (time)."

 

When she comes, hand her the stuff, say nice seeing you and take care. Do it with a smile. Then close the door.

 

For good.

 

See, you don't know that all she wants is that guitar stuff so you can't assume it. If she wants to get back with you, nothing will stop her from making it clear. Women are more subtle than men. If she keeps up the contact, then come back here and ask for more advice.

 

My gut feel is she just needs the guitar. Whatever you do though, do NOT get into a "you did this to me" discussion or talk about the relationship. Be vague, speak in generalizations and don't ever let her see you sweat or be nervous.

 

Good luck.

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tacoman Member

tacoman

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One last question to anyone who may have some more great advice. I have been sitting on her email for a couple days and have not responded. I am getting slight anxiety like i dont want to bring this all back up inside myself a year later, i dont know if i want to deal with it on any level right now.

Clevelandfan Established Member

Clevelandfan

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I agree A.C., I wouldn't give her s***. It's been a year and she's probably lying like a rug like she did when you two were dating regarding the other guitar being broken. A lot of women are shadier than a California Red Oak when they want something. Please ignore her if you can. Good luck.

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