witabix Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I do not buy that men can't control urges or that situations got away from people. I'm pretty hardnosed about it too... Reading my mind? I would include women in this too. Tradegy/drink/boredom etc etc, not reasons, just excuses to excuse the inexcusable.
Guest Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Suebee, it's amazing how you never had any fights in your marriage. It's supposed to be healthy to have arguments every so often to straighten out problems, rather than just ignore them. It would feel odd for me to have little to no conflicts. Perfection, or the facade of, is really abnormal. Mrs. Hellfire - I didn't mean to imply we never argued (and this was not when we were married - I was speaking from when we were dating - we didn't fight much). Maybe I'm thinking it really wasn't fighting because since I found out about his cheating, we've had some MAJOR blowups. Now I consider what we do now to be fighting. We always had little disagreements, but nothing we didn't get over. I'm sure I egg alot of the fighting on simply because I was so hurt over his cheating. As everyone on here knows who has been cheated on, it totally turns the world you thought you knew upside down
silktricks Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Reading my mind? I would include women in this too. Tradegy/drink/boredom etc etc, not reasons, just excuses to excuse the inexcusable. There are no excuses, but sometimes to get past and forgive ( if you want to try to ) it's important to hear the reasons.
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Catgirl, who many times were you cheated on? Were these ever situations where you were married, or extremely invested in the relationship? Did you ever give the person a second chance? Sorry, I missed this question before. I have been cheated on in relationships that were 2-3 years old at the most. My ex-H, for all his faults, never cheated on me and wouldn't have. I never give anyone a second chance to make a fool of me. Now, if my situation were like yours, I MIGHT hang in for the sake of the kids. But as far as repairing the relationship with the cheater, no, I would never, ever trust again. I would assume that if he was still around that he was still cheating. You are a lot stronger and more confident than I am, I couldn't do what you're doing.
witabix Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 There are no excuses, but sometimes to get past and forgive ( if you want to try to ) it's important to hear the reasons. Never been in a position to want to forgive really, I have always said that such behaviour will break it for me, and I will not/cannot fix it after that. Reasons? I always assumed there was only one reason, "I wanted to have sex with him". Which is fine, it just means that they cannot have sex with me again. No big deal in the end really.
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Never been in a position to want to forgive really, I have always said that such behaviour will break it for me, and I will not/cannot fix it after that. Reasons? I always assumed there was only one reason, "I wanted to have sex with him". Which is fine, it just means that they cannot have sex with me again. No big deal in the end really. Yay! this is me exactly. My boyfriend is free to have sex with whomever he chooses. It just means he can't have sex with me any more. No discussion, no drama. Just pack and get out of my house so I can move on with my life. He knows I feel that way. He feels that way too, I think.
2sunny Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Never been in a position to want to forgive really, I have always said that such behaviour will break it for me, and I will not/cannot fix it after that. I have had to be in a position to forgive - after ten years of marriage... second chance given - bingo - caught again at the twenty year mark. No forgiving this time, he was only sorry he got caught. Never sex with him ever again, would be like sleeping with the devil... Reasons? I always assumed there was only one reason, "I wanted to have sex with him". Yep, selfish is as selfish does. I want I want I want, no conscious effort to do the right thing instead. Which is fine, it just means that they cannot have sex with me again. No big deal in the end really. Only a big deal really when kids are involved and the marriage has lasted a long time, families get intertwined. Sad when you look at it as just a selfish nature that it really is....
witabix Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Only a big deal really when kids are involved and the marriage has lasted a long time, families get intertwined. Sad when you look at it as just a selfish nature that it really is.... Yes, that would be a time to consider what to do maybe. But perhaps not for me, or everyone in fact. But I do see what you are saying here.
witabix Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Yay! this is me exactly. My boyfriend is free to have sex with whomever he chooses. It just means he can't have sex with me any more. No discussion, no drama. Just pack and get out of my house so I can move on with my life. He knows I feel that way. He feels that way too, I think. The same hymn sheet then catgirl? Cool, I get that.
catgirl1927 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Kids would be the only thing that would make me want to even consider it. But, I would never want a sexual relationship with that person ever again. And I'm not sure I would want someone of that character around my kids anyway. It doesn't set a very good example, my actions or his. I wouldn't want my kids to feel they could treat people like that, or that they should tolerate being treated like that.
witabix Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Kids would be the only thing that would make me want to even consider it. But, I would never want a sexual relationship with that person ever again. And I'm not sure I would want someone of that character around my kids anyway. It doesn't set a very good example, my actions or his. I wouldn't want my kids to feel they could treat people like that, or that they should tolerate being treated like that. Blindingly brilliant point CG.
Chump64 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Catgirl: It's sad to think that a spouse's infidelity is such a defining character that you wouldn't want your kids around them. To some degree, I believe that infidelity is a sign of some serious character flaws. At the same time, it is often a byproduct of a marriage that got off track. I am not condoning infidelity (believe me - I'd be the last person to do that!) and yes, it puts a black mark on someone for life. But to let it completely destroy a person's character, forever, and in all realms of their life, is unfair. It's too much of a broad-brush painting approach. While I can admit that my husband is a failure as a husband and a friend to me (and that hurts so bad, I am in tears right now), I have to say that he is an excellent father. Always has been. In our case, our children aren't aware of the situation so I'm not worried about examples we are (or aren't) setting. Furthermore, some people would say that working through a betrayal and staying together -- to keep the family together -- is a brave thing and a good example to set. All of this is contingent on the cheater, of course. I would not be typing this out if my husband wasn't remorseful and doing every d*mn thing he can to fix us. And I won't look back, either, if I get burned again. Actually, I can take him burning me again. I can't be hurt any worse. But if he does this again it will obliterate our family life, as we know it. So a large part of my motivation is to shield my kids from traumatic and life-defining devastation. But sadly, if he screws up again, the children will pay. I'm paying right now, and so is my husband.
THX2000 Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Exactly Shineshop. My H gave his women the old excuse that he wasn't happy. Well then I told him he should have gotten the hell out of the relationship. We were dating - for God's sake. All he had to do was say "adios" to me and leave! On top of it all - we were a long distance relationship so it would have been even easier for him to leave. I told the one who said he wasn't happy with me, bull**it! He drove 450 miles to see me every 2 - 3 weeks, now if he is so unhappy why drive those miles? He just wanted to screw around and had to give them some sob story about me so they'd let him in their pants. As your ex couldn't break free for 6 months, yes she could have if she searched her heart and KNEW that what she was doing would be killing you - then she could have broken free. That's how I feel about my H, if he really wanted out of the relationship and he knew in his heart that I was a good and loving person, then he wouldn't have wanted to see me hurt and he would have left. Like you said about your ex not wanting to give up her perfect little arrangement, I think that's what mine didn't want to give up either. I saw the profiles of the ones he saw - they leave alot to be desired He knew I had alot to offer and I'm not saying with looks or weight, etc. - I mean with my personality, character, morals, etc. He didn't want to give that up. The guy my ex is now with is UGLY and 17 years older than her. He is now divorced and has 2 small kids and got totally owned in his divorce so he is penniliess. The only reason my ex and me split was because I was unhappy with her and put the heat on her because she wasn't the woman I fell in love with. I wanted it to work out and was willing to do ANYTHING to make that happen but she was living the double life. She only said she wanted to split after I started getting close to finding out about the other guy (this is 3 weeks after telling me "you're not getting rid of me that easy" when I was trying to break it off with her). The only reason she is with the guy is because she has nobody else. No friends and her family all disowned her after the affair came out. Saying it was all about me was just damage control to try and justify what she did and salvage her dignity and reputation. Nobody bought it.
witabix Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 The guy my ex is now with is UGLY and 17 years older than her. He is now divorced and has 2 small kids and got totally owned in his divorce so he is penniliess. The only reason my ex and me split was because I was unhappy with her and put the heat on her because she wasn't the woman I fell in love with. I wanted it to work out and was willing to do ANYTHING to make that happen but she was living the double life. She only said she wanted to split after I started getting close to finding out about the other guy (this is 3 weeks after telling me "you're not getting rid of me that easy" when I was trying to break it off with her). The only reason she is with the guy is because she has nobody else. No friends and her family all disowned her after the affair came out. Saying it was all about me was just damage control to try and justify what she did and salvage her dignity and reputation. Nobody bought it. Dishonest people are most dishonest with themselves, they pay the price eventually, as she is doing now.
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