Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Why do you finally realize that sleeping with someone wasn't right after being caught? Is it because you got caught or is it because you didn't realize what you had? Watching something where the guy cheated on his wife and he didn't break it off till his son got a concussion . What do others think?
catgirl1927 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I completely believe that most cheaters (not all, MOST) are not sorry for what they did, they are sorry they got caught. They don't decide what they did was wrong, or realize anything. They want to have both people at their beck and call, and really feel they deserve that, and they are only sorry that their little arrangement has been compromised.
target-d Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 i can only speak for myself. I knew I was doing wrong. I didn't get caught. I confessed, knowing that I would probably lose the best person in the world. I didn't lose him after all, but we both went through torment --- (this was many years ago.)
Author Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 I completely believe that most cheaters (not all, MOST) are not sorry for what they did, they are sorry they got caught. They don't decide what they did was wrong, or realize anything. They want to have both people at their beck and call, and really feel they deserve that, and they are only sorry that their little arrangement has been compromised. Totally agree with you on that Catgirl about some cheaters getting caught. The thing that gets me is this guy didn't cover his tracks to well and the wife put two and two together . Maybe he was wanting to get caught. After the wife confronted him he said he didn't want to lose her and his son. He said he cheated cause he felt empty from them losing his daughter. What i don't get is if he needed someone then why not reach out to his wife instead of someone else? She was hurting and he turned her away with work or their son . She tried to reach out he wouldn't receipicate . Does something tragic like that make you turn to someone else?
Author Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 i can only speak for myself. I knew I was doing wrong. I didn't get caught. I confessed, knowing that I would probably lose the best person in the world. I didn't lose him after all, but we both went through torment --- (this was many years ago.) Probably the reason you worked things through was because you told him and he didn't find out on his own. That's great that he stayed with you and was willing to work things through. Im sure you did go through some torment. Someone cheating on you can do damage to your heart and hurts the trust as well.
target-d Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Well, it's definitely better to fess up, I'll agree with that. Catgirl, I don't know your story, as I haven't been on this site long, but try to remember that people screw up, even the ones who try hard to be honest. None of us are perfect (Jesus hasn't been around for a long time - and I've got questions about him too) There's a thread about demonizing the MM on this site. I understand that the pain a person has as a result of an affair can be staggering. But most of the married people who have affaris, whether PA or EA, are simply people in pain too. Most of them don't set out to hurt anyone, they are simply being selfish and trying to releive some of their own hurt. There are always creeps in every group, but most people aren't.
catgirl1927 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I don't buy that tragedy makes us do things like that. It's not like he just fell on this girl with his pants unzipped and oops. This was meditated over some time. I think it's pretty crappy to use losing a daughter as an excuse. I think he didn't cover his tracks because he didn't have the spine to leave and wanted to. I am extremely impatient with cheating because I've been cheated on a lot. I think most do it out of spite to humiliate someone. I do not buy that men can't control urges or that situations got away from people. I'm pretty hardnosed about it too...
Author Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 I don't buy that tragedy makes us do things like that. It's not like he just fell on this girl with his pants unzipped and oops. This was meditated over some time. I think it's pretty crappy to use losing a daughter as an excuse. I think he didn't cover his tracks because he didn't have the spine to leave and wanted to. I am extremely impatient with cheating because I've been cheated on a lot. I think most do it out of spite to humiliate someone. I do not buy that men can't control urges or that situations got away from people. I'm pretty hardnosed about it too... LOL!! Like the ananlogy of oops my pants unzipped and fell on the girl. Yeah i agree tragedy doesn't make us do things like cheating as well. Just wanted to see what others views was on it. He said he wanted to work things out but she kicked his ass out and said go be with your slut!! Yeah i have been cheated on as well and don't care to much for cheating on another. Very hurtful and deceptive no matter what reasons ..
catgirl1927 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Anyone can come up with any justification for any crappy action. It's usually, "They deserved it." I'm proud of her! Good for her.
silktricks Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Sometimes I think the cheater is cheating because they feel unimportant to their partner. That's what happened with my H. I'm not making excuses for him ( or me), just putting out my opinion. I think it's also why he told me about it - he wanted to see if I loved him enough to forgive him. I did.
THX2000 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I completely believe that most cheaters (not all, MOST) are not sorry for what they did, they are sorry they got caught. They don't decide what they did was wrong, or realize anything. They want to have both people at their beck and call, and really feel they deserve that, and they are only sorry that their little arrangement has been compromised. Right on the money. I think that the majority of cheaters are extremely selfish people that think of no one except themselves and their personal needs. In my case my ex-gf was only pissed that she got caught and it ruined her reputation. After that I became an A-hole and that was why she did it - her weak attempt to deflect the blame off of her.
Author Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 Right on the money. I think that the majority of cheaters are extremely selfish people that think of no one except themselves and their personal needs. In my case my ex-gf was only pissed that she got caught and it ruined her reputation. After that I became an A-hole and that was why she did it - her weak attempt to deflect the blame off of her. Totally agree with you Shine. What i don't get is instead of cheating get out of the relationship. Your right that it is a selfsih act when you think of only what you want and not of the repercussions of other's feelings. I couldn't ever cheat no matter how unhappy i was in a relationship. Nothing justify's cheating in my eyes!!
SueBee3490 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Well, it's definitely better to fess up, I'll agree with that. I agree that it is better to fess up also. I found out about my H cheating and he was doing it for a couple years. He seemed to act as though he didn't know it was wrong until he was caught. Give me a break! How can anyone be messing around behind someone's back, for 2 freaking years no less, knowing they are hurting that person, and not care about that other person? I couldn't do it. I would be so guilt-ridden and feel so low that I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even do it if I was unhappy in the relationship. I would get out of the relationship first. I understand that the pain a person has as a result of an affair can be staggering. But most of the married people who have affaris, whether PA or EA, are simply people in pain too. This is what is strange about our situation and you know, the better I know my H, I really think he has mental issues/problems. Read my thread about "Husband Calls Me Names" and you'll see why. When we dated, he was so laid back and easygoing - I even said to him that he "never gets mad". I thought that was great. I always seemed to be in conflict with one of my kids, he never was angry with his. I know that he wasn't a parent to his kids, he tried to be a friend so that's why he never disciplined them. If you never discipline your kids and just go along with whatever they do, then I guess you really wouldn't be in conflict so wouldn't be mad/frustrated with them. He never acted as though there was anything wrong with our relationship so how could I know there was anything wrong? That's what was strange about all this. He played along like I was the best thing that happened to him and he was happy, etc. So why cheat? I've asked myself that over and over again. At least if we were fighting and at odds with each other, I would think he would cheat because he "wasn't happy" but we really didn't fight. Because of his past record, I've wondered more than once now about his mental state.
silktricks Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Some people so much don't want discord that they'll just never talk about the problems. Avoiding them is way easier and they think less painful.... yeah right - it is less painful - for them. - That's really a cop out on my part, it's less painful for them until they are found out or they confess - then it get's really really hard. I think maybe it's that same attitutde that little kids have. If you don't know about my bad grades, then I won't get in trouble. Just like little kids that cheaters of the world really think (at the time at least) that as long as you don't know about it, nothing bad has really happened. More than anything, it just shows their immaturity (and of course unutterable selfishness.)
Chump64 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 This is something I struggle with. Even if you are dealing with someone who got caught (vs. confessed), I think you can tell something about how they react. Pissed and defensive? Definitely they are sorry that they were caught. Remorseful and willing to work on things? I would lean more toward "sorry for the behavior." In January, I confronted my husband for having an affair (after I spent months gathering evidence because he lied to me about the first bit of evidence that I found by accident). We've been married 18 years; his affair lasted for over 10 years. I gave him the option to divorce, or to try to work it out (with no guarantees from me, regarding our success). At first I was sure he was sorry for getting caught. But he is extremely remorseful and willing to fix things. He has done everything I've asked him to do (and I had a long list of demands). He says that getting caught was "almost a relief." He (and the OW) had tried to end things several times but they were both too weak and selfish. Neither of them wanted to leave their respective marriages. I hope it works for us but I still don't know. Catgirl, who many times were you cheated on? Were these ever situations where you were married, or extremely invested in the relationship? Did you ever give the person a second chance? I certainly don't believe in being a doormat but there are situations where it is worth the effort to try to work things out. To immediately rule out the possibility of forgiveness, and walk out the door, is not always the best option in the long run -- even for the person who is hurt and betrayed. Feels great for your pride, at the moment, but it can leave the betrayed person with all kinds of resentments, unresolved issues and bitterness, from what I am learning (reading, therapy, etc.). Sometimes forgiveness is a benefit to you (this is a general 'you'), the victim, as well as a benefit to the person who hurt you. (Of course, if you are talking about a cheater who has no remorse and clearly doesn't want to work on the relationship, then the drop-kick is a no-brainer.)
Sal Paradise Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I also believe most don't feel bad about what they did. They feel bad that they were caught. And when forced to make a choice they either choose to stop or don't. I don't buy that one thing lead to another crap either. Thats the most lame excuse I've ever heard. Even when I was single and free to do what I wanted "one thing" never lead to "another". I never did anything unless it was something I wanted to do. People who use that excuse do so to absolve themselves of their part in the situation. To make it seem like circumstance caused it and it was beyond their control. Unless you're raped its always a controllable situation. And I don't care how unhappy a person is in a relationship, there is no excuse to cheat. If you're unhappy work on the relationship or leave it. You're not trapped. No one is trapped in any relationship.
silktricks Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I think it's really easy for a person who has been hurt by a partner's infidelity (either mental or physical) to believe that there is no excuse for cheating. In my heart of heart's I believe that as well. However, I also know that each of us makes many mistakes. As I want forgiveness for mine, I know that I must give forgiveness for those made against me.
target-d Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I also believe most don't feel bad about what they did. They feel bad that they were caught. And when forced to make a choice they either choose to stop or don't. I really doubt that you are right. I would bet (huge amounts, actually) that most don't get caught, but simply stop on their own - never own up to what they did and go on with their lives. I think they DO feel bad. I don't buy that one thing lead to another crap either. Thats the most lame excuse I've ever heard. Even when I was single and free to do what I wanted "one thing" never lead to "another". I never did anything unless it was something I wanted to do. People who use that excuse do so to absolve themselves of their part in the situation. To make it seem like circumstance caused it and it was beyond their control. Unless you're raped its always a controllable situation. I would agree with this. The circumstance didn't "cause" it, but it certainly aided in the fall from grace. It is always a controllable situation. The problem is that so few people are actually in control of their own lives - and certainly that is a huge part of the problem. Don't misunderstand me. I am ABSOLUTELY 100% against cheaters, cheating, lying, deception and anything else that goes along with it. I have been hurt badly, I have hurt badly. I just think that it's important to forgive one another. I was lucky and received forgiveness. My husband is also lucky because in turn he received forgiveness from me. And I don't care how unhappy a person is in a relationship, there is no excuse to cheat. If you're unhappy work on the relationship or leave it. You're not trapped. No one is trapped in any relationship. 100% you are right.
Chump64 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I would bet (huge amounts, actually) that most don't get caught, but simply stop on their own - never own up to what they did and go on with their lives. I think they DO feel bad. I have read / heard statistics on this repeatedly. Something like 70 percent of all affairs end without the betrayed partner knowing, b/c the affair ended. However, that doesn't mean most affairs end b/c someone feels bad. Most just fizzle out.
MrsHellFire Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I really don't know because I never went through that type of extreme tragedy- losing a child. Who knows how twisted someone can become after that. As for the cheating, I don't know yet. Suebee, it's amazing how you never had any fights in your marriage. It's supposed to be healthy to have arguments every so often to straighten out problems, rather than just ignore them. It would feel odd for me to have little to no conflicts. Perfection, or the facade of, is really abnormal.
THX2000 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Totally agree with you Shine. What i don't get is instead of cheating get out of the relationship. Your right that it is a selfsih act when you think of only what you want and not of the repercussions of other's feelings. I couldn't ever cheat no matter how unhappy i was in a relationship. Nothing justify's cheating in my eyes!! Most people that I have heard of cheating give the excuse that "they felt trapped" or "were afraid of what would happen if they left". My ex used that one in that she started telling people that she had been trying to leave me for 6 months but just couldn't break free - horses***. I knew something was up and wasn't happy with how the relationship was going and broke up with her twice - she talked me out of it both times because she didn't want to lose her perfect little arrangement.
catgirl1927 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Most people that I have heard of cheating give the excuse that "they felt trapped" or "were afraid of what would happen if they left". My ex used that one in that she started telling people that she had been trying to leave me for 6 months but just couldn't break free - horses***. I knew something was up and wasn't happy with how the relationship was going and broke up with her twice - she talked me out of it both times because she didn't want to lose her perfect little arrangement. I hate to be all woggly about it, but I think that most of the time for women it's money, they don't want to lose their meal ticket, and for men it's about comfort, they don't want to lose their live-in housekeeper and nanny.
SueBee3490 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Most people that I have heard of cheating give the excuse that "they felt trapped" or "were afraid of what would happen if they left". My ex used that one in that she started telling people that she had been trying to leave me for 6 months but just couldn't break free - horses***. I knew something was up and wasn't happy with how the relationship was going and broke up with her twice - she talked me out of it both times because she didn't want to lose her perfect little arrangement. Exactly Shineshop. My H gave his women the old excuse that he wasn't happy. Well then I told him he should have gotten the hell out of the relationship. We were dating - for God's sake. All he had to do was say "adios" to me and leave! On top of it all - we were a long distance relationship so it would have been even easier for him to leave. I told the one who said he wasn't happy with me, bull**it! He drove 450 miles to see me every 2 - 3 weeks, now if he is so unhappy why drive those miles? He just wanted to screw around and had to give them some sob story about me so they'd let him in their pants. As your ex couldn't break free for 6 months, yes she could have if she searched her heart and KNEW that what she was doing would be killing you - then she could have broken free. That's how I feel about my H, if he really wanted out of the relationship and he knew in his heart that I was a good and loving person, then he wouldn't have wanted to see me hurt and he would have left. Like you said about your ex not wanting to give up her perfect little arrangement, I think that's what mine didn't want to give up either. I saw the profiles of the ones he saw - they leave alot to be desired He knew I had alot to offer and I'm not saying with looks or weight, etc. - I mean with my personality, character, morals, etc. He didn't want to give that up.
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