typical Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Help me help a friend out here.... What kind of man... says "because you like it" when you question why they would do such a thing? According to my best friend her BF has, ON OCCASSION pushed her (not hard) shoved her (not hard) twisted her arm to get her to give in or listen to his demand, and other sorts of things...These things are done more of to get her attention on a certain subject. In the long time they have been together, he has only done this 5 times in all. I know, I know, he is starting to sound abusive and I told her this, and she knows this too..., I have been helping her, I offered my support, I have taken her to websites, etc...she understands, she knows.... What she wants to understand and recieve advice on is when she asks him why he would do that to her if he claims he loves her....and his response is "because you like it"......what is that supposed to mean?? Can anyone give me and her some insight on what he meant by this?? Why would a man say something like this? Why would he ever think that she likes it?? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Abusive people don't act logically. It's pointless to try to figure out the 'whys' of it. Essentially, they blame the victims for everything - that excuses the abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 "becasue you like it." Is a cover up for what it is he is doing. I don't know to many people who liked to be shoved pushed etc. Maybe its him who likes it. Its a power/control thing. Or maybe it was done to him before and he asked the person doing it to him before, "why?" And they told him "because you like it." Maybe he was abused and its been instilled in his mind that other people will like this sort of abuse or is supposed to just take it. JMO. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 He says she likes it because he likes it. He's justifying abuse. It will get much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
NTB Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 i agree with catgirl your friend needs to move on from this relationship instead of trying to figure him out Link to post Share on other sites
Author typical Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 She is starting to get worried because she thinks that she might of provoked him to do those things......she says that she likes riling him up from time to time...I told her that this is a dangerous thing to do especially since he has put his hands on her from time to time.......she thinks that maybe he thinks she likes it because she tries to rile him up and he sees this...... what are some other reasons he might say something like that to her? She obviously wasnt very approving of what he did when she questioned him as to why....no one likes to be hit. her explanation has gotten me stumped.....what do you all think??? Just to clarify, everything I have explained here IS abusive, is it not??? Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 "she thinks that she might of provoked him to do those things." thats what he wants her to think, so he can be justified in what hes doing. Every action has a reaction, so if she feels she did or said something to make him do this, that is false, he chooses how to react to her, no matter what it is. "she says she likes riling him up from time to time." How does she do this? What is it she does? She also needs to stop "riling" him up. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author typical Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 I guess she will wear provocative clothes that show off her stomach and breasts, and go waltzing by him with a "what am I doing wrong, I am innocent" look and he will tell her she is not wearing that, it escalates to the point where he twists her arm behind her back and tells her to take it off........and of course she does.......I am not sure why she does this..... I asked her and she said she just wants to see how he will react....but she has gotta know it might lead to this.....so maybe THATS what he means when he says "because you like it" then? Maybe he gets this impression because that is all she responds to or listens to.....I dont know, it all sounds unhealthy and dangerous to me. From both ends. To me, there is definately no excuse for putting ones hands on the other in that fashion...but could he be right? Could she like it?? It sounds so bad but what am I left to assume?? Unless people here know of other abusers that started out lightly and got vicious and that was what they used to say too...."because you like it" Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 They both need to grow up. She needs to stop doing those things, if she knows he doesn't like it and that he could possibly react the way he does. And he needs to find a better way on how it is he reacts to her. Or they might just need to split and grow up a bit before getting into another relationship. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author typical Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 Okay, good advise JadeStar.....I think this whole thing is a little warped to me...I have always believed that you never put your hands on anyone in anger for ANY reason but sometimes the things she tells me makes me think that she is kinda provoking him....but yet he doesnt need to respond that way...yet when he does, she listens....so WTF?? Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I guess she will wear provocative clothes that show off her stomach and breasts, and go waltzing by him with a "what am I doing wrong, I am innocent" look and he will tell her she is not wearing that, it escalates to the point where he twists her arm behind her back and tells her to take it off........and of course she does.......I am not sure why she does this..... I asked her and she said she just wants to see how he will react....but she has gotta know it might lead to this.....so maybe THATS what he means when he says "because you like it" then? Maybe he gets this impression because that is all she responds to or listens to.....I dont know, it all sounds unhealthy and dangerous to me. From both end That is whats so sad about abusive relationships. Being an abusive person also means he is a manipulator. He knows he can make her feel like its her fault. That is part of the plan to control her. If she feels like it's her fault she will let him have his way with her which feeds him power in a sick way. I don't mean to get too personal and you don't have to answer this, but was her father abusive or mother or anyone else in her family? There is usually a pattern that follows someone who has been abused, they seem to find partners who are the same. It's such a deadly cycle. It sounds like your friend might need some counseling. I'm no psychiatrist, but I know that if she did have an abusive family member growing up she will turn to an abusive partner because she feels a need to be abused. She might even think she likes it because she is accustomed to it. I hope someone can get ahold of her and knock some sence into her before he goes from twisting her arm to punching her in the face or throwing her against a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 I think this whole ideology of victimhood is pretty lame. I've been in abusive relationships before. I have enough sense to realize when I provoked people. Every woman who is abused needs to understand the role they play in allowing themselves to be victimized. We all need to be aware of the choices we make that can be self-fulfilling prophecy. I know people will disagree with me, but I stand firm. I abandoned the ideology of victimhood and am a stronger person because of it. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Okay, good advise JadeStar.....I think this whole thing is a little warped to me...I have always believed that you never put your hands on anyone in anger for ANY reason but sometimes the things she tells me makes me think that she is kinda provoking him....but yet he doesnt need to respond that way...yet when he does, she listens....so WTF?? It's a sick feedback loop. Abusive relationships can be like this. There is never an excuse to use physical violence, but honestly. How many times can you provoke someone to the point where they lose contorl before they actually lose control? Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 He is responsible for his actions not your friend. This is a bully /control tactic. She doesn't make him do those things . Yes this is abuse and she needs to leave before he hurts her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author typical Posted April 5, 2006 Author Share Posted April 5, 2006 If she feels like it's her fault she will let him have his way with her which feeds him power in a sick way. How so? so, you think he is sick then? I abandoned the ideology of victimhood b_o, I agree with this statement. Yes, she has been abused, and I knew that someone was going to ask, but I left it out because to me, it is irrelevent. I too have been abused, and I am sure that some of my behaviours could be excused because of it in other peoples mind, but I refused to be controlled by it. How many times can you provoke someone to the point where they lose contorl before they actually lose control? good point, but I also think that he was hitting on all other sorts of areas to determine the extent of his power and control, and happened to hit the jackpot with putting his hands on her because that was something she definately did back down from Link to post Share on other sites
Tim'sAngel Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 How so? so, you think he is sick then? Anyone who puts his or her hands on another human being (especially someone they confess to care about) is sick, in my opinion at least. **b_o, I agree with this statement. Yes, she has been abused, and I knew that someone was going to ask, but I left it out because to me, it is irrelevent. I too have been abused, and I am sure that some of my behaviours could be excused because of it in other peoples mind, but I refused to be controlled by it. I commend you. This is how you choose to view things but it doesn't mean your friend views it the same. I think some people actually like being a victom Link to post Share on other sites
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