Touche Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I think in most cases it's totally unhealthy for the marriage to hide money. I would understand if a woman bought a $300 pair of shoes and she never reported it, but made her husband think she spent a lot of money in the grocery store. But to have secret funds on aside is deceiving your spouse. Beg to differ with you RP. What you described is JUST as deceiving as actually hiding funds. Ever heard of lying by omission?
westernxer Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I would understand if a woman bought a $300 pair of shoes and she never reported it, but made her husband think she spent a lot of money in the grocery store. $300 for groceries... honey, how come there's no food in the fridge?! </cracking up>
bab Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I think in most cases it's totally unhealthy for the marriage to hide money. I would understand if a woman bought a $300 pair of shoes and she never reported it, but made her husband think she spent a lot of money in the grocery store. But to have secret funds on aside is deceiving your spouse. My grandmother (father's mother) used to write her checks at the grocery store for $20 over EVERY week so that she'd have spending money. (Recall that $20 in the '50's was a whole lot more money than it is now). When my mother complained that my Dad never gave her any of her own money, my grandmother suggested she do the same. My mom was taken aback by the whole idea. She felt that my father should be generous enough to let her have money of her own. He never was. One of the mountain things that lead to the divorce. Honesty and agreed amounts for separate "fun" money seems like the logical way to buy new shoes. Lying only leads to distrust.
tinktronik Posted April 8, 2006 Posted April 8, 2006 I have $1,000 put away in my locker at work along with copies of all our financial statements. A dear friend of mine was completely blindsided when her husband left her. No emergency money other than the 10 bucks she had in her wallet. She had no knowledge of what he made, where the money was, where their accounts were. She was completely ignorant. My stash is basically a Plan B if I should ever need it. I just add a little here and there to it when I can and am trying to learn all I can about our finances. I've left instructions with one of my coworkers that if anything should ever happen to me that I do not want my husband to have the contents of that locker. They are to go to my friend. She will use the money to anonymously make a donation to cover my child's tuition. Needless to say, I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. I totally get this, I was left with $200. no car and 3 kids to feed .I never in my wildest dreams would have expected it.I knew I was headed for divorce , but really do you expect anyone to be so down and dirty? Especially someone youve created children with.NO , you expect civility for the kids and compromise .Many people are blindsided this way .It was a matter of time before he just came and got the kids knowing I couldent protect myself legaly with no money for an attorney. My life is so much better now , but once faced with this you don't forget it.I don't think its a matter of comparing one person to the other , I think its a matter of lesson learned .Its a matter of doing whats right for yourself. I learned to put things in my name , make sure not to over invest financially or emotionally in people.But to give as much as I can without making myself too uncomfortable. Needless to say, I have a big nest egg tucked away incase of many things, illness , or a death in my family , but also just in case .
RecordProducer Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 Touche, I wouldn't do it, I just understand it, cuz I assume women do that. Most men, just like children, think they must buy what they want to buy. Women on the other hand, feel obligated to justify all purchases as "necessary" and non-luxury, beneficial for the whole family. Bab, that's a good strategy for a woman whose husband is cheap and controlling financially, thinking that the money he made is only his so screw the wife and the kids he made too. I think it's all about the budget in whole. I don't feel obligated to report any purchase to my husband and he doesn't have to ask me anything. I will spend money buying groceries, clothes, make-up, etc. If however at the end of the month he feels that I spent more than we can afford, he can tell me "Honey, you spent too much this month, was it all necessary?" I wouldn't want to put myself in a position to say: "Well you need to eat, right? :mad:" while thinking of my 7 new pairs of expensive shoes and 3 fancy coats . In a healthy marriage the budget is mutual and both partners should feel free to spend money, but also feel responsible for the expenditure. It's not about how much you spend, but how much you can afford to spend. Putting money on aside is rather a symptom of a problem than a problem itself. I could understand a woman hiding money if her husband is too stingy about it and counts every penny. I knew a coupe like that. They both had similar incomes; she spent her money, he saved his. They had some verbal agreement on the mutual stuff like mortgage, insurance or food, but at least she didn't bother to consult him every time she needed a new lip stick.
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