justagirliegirl Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I swear he drives me stark raving bananas!! I hate when he does this! We have a ldr and normally we get online for an hour or two each day. Every once in awhile he just disappears for anywhere from a few days to a week. I know he does this and when we start talking again there isn't anything wrong but it drives me nuts! He needs more space than I do. Sometimes I even wonder if he does it on purpose for attention because that is the only time I have really been mad at him. He will write me these sad tales sometimes which he wants sympathy for and then pulling away like that until I get mad at him. Another thing is he is really depressed and has been for years but won't get help for it. On days like this when I see him online but he doesn't contact me, I get so angry and wonder what I am even getting from the relationship anymore. Sometimes I wonder what "he" would do if I didn't contact him for say two weeks!
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Guys do like and need some cave time, but this sounds excessive to me. Especially since, in an LDR, he is already getting plenty of space. The least that can be said is that he isn't helping himself - reclusiveness and depression feed off each other to make a vicious circle. However, you might also consider the possibility that he isn't really that committed to you. He may even have other things on the boil
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 Thanks for your input Romeo. He pretty much does this with his family too. The first couple times it happened I thought maybe there was another girl but there wasn't. It is hard to explain but he doesn't really talk to people and is somewhat agoraphobic. If I hadn't put the moves on him, we probably wouldn't be together. The last time this happened and I hadn't heard from him in almost a week and I sent him a message saying do you just want me to go away and he jumped right back in contacting me a lot. Maybe it doesn't sound like he is committed but he is helping me move to his country. Anyway how do you think I should handle this? Should I just not talk to him for a couple weeks? Should I bring it up?
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Anyway how do you think I should handle this? Should I just not talk to him for a couple weeks? Should I bring it up? Are you from a more emotional culture than he is then? That might explain something. Yes, in your shoes I would talk to him. Try to be clear but tactful and kind at the same time. Of course he has emotional needs which need to be respected, but so do you - affection and contact. Encourage him to articulate his needs and do the same for yours. There has to be some kind of compromise. In parallel to this, I would practise matching him in terms of enthusiasm and frequency of contact. Otherwise you risk doing all the chasing and him taking you for granted.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 No I don't think my culture is anymore emotional than his is. I'm weighing in between calling him in a couple days and talking to him about this and just not contacting him at all for a couple weeks to get his attention. I do think I put more effort into this right now and I do feel I am being taken for granted.
Art_Critic Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Sometimes I wonder what "he" would do if I didn't contact him for say two weeks! Maybe it is time to find out.. it can't hurt ..
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Maybe it is time to find out.. it can't hurt .. I think I will.
Walk Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 If a man only talks to you online for an hour or so a night, but you never see him... does he really need two weeks of "space". What happens if you two were in the same country? I would kiss any chance of moving in together, or getting married, out the window. He can't handle the lack of space now, and he's already got all day, every day, to spend as he'd like. It'd be the mature responsible thing to talk to him and attempt a comprimise over this. But seriously consider whether the two of you can work through your differences. Don't think you can change him. You might be able to alter his behavior somewhat, but this is ingrained and a part of him. Don't be blind and think you'll magically change him. Decide if this person (who needs this much space and time now) is someone you can have a life with. Will he fulfill your needs? Will the relationship be able to grow as it should? How will this affect you emotionally? Is he making an effort to discuss and comprimise with you, or giving you lip service? What do you want out of a relationship, both short-term and long term? And with the way he is, can he provide those things you want?
blind_otter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 what country is he from? When I dated a scottish guy I assumed we came from similar cultures, at least emotionally. I realized later that scottish men were really phlegmatic and non reactive and stoic.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 He is from down under and the way he was raised probably has something to do with how he is. We had it out this morning. Got into our first real fight in nearly 2 years. I was planning on just not contacting him for 2 weeks but I saw him online. I didn't do anything and finally I just texted him through my email to his mobile. I just said Hi then no response. then I sent "it really hurts my feelings when you ignore me. If you don't like me anymore then just tell me." He logs on and sends me this message that was pretty mean. He claims not to be able to respond to my sms but that is a lie. He has before. Said I was too needy that I needed constant contact every second. Umm I hadn't heard a peep from him since Saturday. I hadn't contacted him either. He said that text message I sent was a guilt trip message. He said something about him not even being cut out for a relationship and that he never really sought one out and he likes his solitary life and me and my needs cause him stress. He said he didn't like worrying about our relationship every day and didn't think it would work out. So I just wrote him back one short comment. I said does this mean we are through? He writes back much nicer and recanting and once again expressed his worries about the age difference and he said he didn't know whether we should break up or not. He said he could use a week or two break. Then he referred to me as his future wife?! So I write back an understanding letter aka wuss. He won't read it until tomorrow as his battery was dead by then. Then I went back and read what he had wrote first and it really made me angry so I wrote back an angry note saying something about if he never wanted a relationship with anyone, then why the hell was he in one for nearly 2 years!!?? Then I vented on a couple of things he did that really make me angry and then I left it at that. I will just leave him alone. I really get the impression he needs some time to think about things. If he wanted it over, he could have simply replied yes to my is it over message as he already gave himself an out with the first angry post and me giving him an out. A man would not even mention the word wife unless he was really thinking about going that road. As for how we get along when I am there in his country, we get along quite well. I was just there for a little over 3 months. I have thought about it and when I am there, things are good but when I get back, it is hard being apart. I miss him so when we are apart and it takes its toll on me emotionally. Can he give me what I need? I am not sure. He really is self-absorbed. I reminded him that there are two people in a relationship and not just him and his wants and needs but I am a person too with needs and feelings.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 7, 2006 Author Posted April 7, 2006 Anyone else have any words of wisdom on this?
ReluctantRomeo Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 He sounds like a commitmentphobe to me... 2 years of LDR (if I've understood correctly) he comes and goes, offering marriage with one hand, pulling back with the other the contact is at his convenience and you get labelled clingy if it's not convenient to him Worse, he seems to be making all this your fault, rather than take responsibility. Work out what you want in a relationship. Ask him nicely for this, be willing to compromise. If he seems unwilling to compromise - or have anything more than an online relationship - I'd say move on.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 He sounds like a commitmentphobe to me... 2 years of LDR (if I've understood correctly) he comes and goes, offering marriage with one hand, pulling back with the other the contact is at his convenience and you get labelled clingy if it's not convenient to him Worse, he seems to be making all this your fault, rather than take responsibility. Work out what you want in a relationship. Ask him nicely for this, be willing to compromise. If he seems unwilling to compromise - or have anything more than an online relationship - I'd say move on. Thanks for following up again. After the fight, I thought we had broken up but wasn't sure. I wrote him a couple messages and I was nice about it and just said my points. No touchy feely just said what I wanted to say. When I got back here from the last visit, I said I was tired of the back and forth between his country and mine. I told him I was tired of traveling and wanted to have a stable life knowing what job I was going to have, where I was going to live and so on. I pretty much told him I wasn't visiting anymore. That either he could come here or I would move there. He said he would help me move there. What I said in the after the fight message was there was nothing me nor anyone else could do about our age difference. I said if he can't deal with it then he needs to let me go so I can get on with my life. I guess he really was afraid of losing me as the next day he had his butt online and responding to the messages saying he didn't want to lose me and that he went home that night after the fight and said he couldn't sleep. Amazingly he seemed to have a stick of dynomite under him! I hadn't been able to talk to him on the phone for maybe a month. I called him and we talked until the phone card ran out and we had a good time. Lots of fun as normal. I am troubled by him making this my fault. I let two friends read what he wrote to me and they both said if their bfs ever wrote them something like that, they would have kicked him to the curb. So now we are Ok but I don't like the part about him blaming me for this and I ended up apologizing and he didn't. As you said, this guy has all day every day to do whatever he wants. Spending an hour or so online with me every other day or so shouldn't kill him. Right now, I am backing off and not being so available. I didn't tell him I was doing this. I am just doing it.
Walk Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 The only way I could possibly see for him even suggesting you're clingly is if when he's online you don't let him get off. If you guilt him into staying on line for a long time even after he's said he's tired, or needs to go, or whatever. If you're not doing any of that, then it's his choice to stay online for the amount of time he does. If you moved to his country, would you be able to find a job? Have any other friends there? Honesetly, his initial blaming of you is a bit scary. What happens if you get out there and he acts this way in person. Not talking to you for weeks, blaming you when you state your needs, and only talking to you when you threaten to leave? Just don't get stuck there with no way to get back to family and friends or a way to make money.
daphne Posted April 10, 2006 Posted April 10, 2006 Justa, I have a different take on this. On the one hand, his initial reaction to you telling him how you felt about him not responding to your sms was harsh. I don't like that you had to pursue him. He sounds like one of those self absorbed introverts that you will be doing most of the work in the relationship for. Not ideal. On the other hand, I do think you are being a little too needy. I'm a little introverted in the respect that I really have to have down time to myself or I get really cranky. My boyfriend does too. I used to get annoyed because I wasn't used to guys needing this. There are certain days where I know I just won't hear from him. Thankfully, I didn't initiate the relationship and I don't do all of the work. I read that Venus and Mars thing and realized that I couldn't complain since I personally need my space. If you like the guy, I think you could be more understanding. Telling him waht you want is one thing. You have to let it go and see how he responds. Insisting he's not a normal guy because of it is just incorrect. A lot of guys do the caving thing. Seriously. And one more thing, showing your girlfriends his letters for sympathy is one thing. Don't expect them to be objective. They will sabotage your relationship with ulterior motives, especially if htey don't have a boyfriend. Try to figure this out on your own without the negative "he's such an a$$" bashing.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 10, 2006 Author Posted April 10, 2006 walk, my skills are in high demand there. I'm working with people now from there to get placed. No, I never make him stay on ever. Our connections are usually so bad, we get disconnected anyway. daphne, we are both introverts. When I am there, he wants to be around me all the time and sometimes I wanted him to go home. We don't get to see each other in person now and won't for another 5-6 months. He has all the space a person could ever want. He has all day every day to himself. Yes, I have been doing most of the work in this relationship. He told me during the fight he wanted some time for himself, a week or two. I started giving it to him Saturday. So what does he do. He logs on today and messages me one of his sad tales again. I read it and didn't reply to it. I thought he wanted space? The more I think about it, I don't think it is wrong especially in this ldr to expect a bit of contact and communication on a somewhat regular basis. Things got way off balance here and maybe my backing off will even things out a bit. It feels bad to me, like I am playing a game which I hate.
daphne Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Justa, If you feel strongly about this then I think you're doing the right thing. People don't really know what they want. You giving him what he wants could be the wake up call he needs. I do think, however, you've already told him how you feel and backing off is the only real solution. Repeating how you feel won't change a thing and will come off needy and demanding. That being said, take this time to evaluate what you want. If you choose to stay with him, it's an uphill battle. You've done most of the work. I personally wouldn't continue knowing that that's not going to change. Relationships are supposed to be partnerships.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 daphne, I haven't said another word about this since the fight and wasn't planning to. I'm just in a thinking mode right now. I'm giving him what he wanted and now he doesn't seem to want it. Once again he is at our meeting place and I'm not going there right now. He has been waiting there for almost an hour now. I didn't reply to the message he sent yeterday either. You know, maybe he will see what it feels like to be ignored for days at a time? I think the time to think is doing me good.
daphne Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Justa, I'm glad to hear that you're calm about it. You have more power than you know. You can decide at any moment that waht he has to offer isn't enough. ldr's are never easy, even when you have two people committed to making the relationship work. Let me know how it goes. It's good to have down time to yourself. take care
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 Thanks Daphne. I do feel much better. He sent me another message this morning. I haven't replied. I am just not very good at this. Should I reply to it?
Walk Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 I think it'd be unwise of you to take advice on whether you should contact him back this time or not. If you feel you should, then do so. You aren't playing a game, you were only giving him the space he had asked for. If his emails are implying he doesn't want that space anymore, then don't ignore him because some people on this board say you should wait X amount of time before replying. You were also taking the time to better evaluate how you feel about the relationship and what you want from it. Judge where you are at in your thought process on this. What I'm saying is, you know your man better then any of us on here. Daphne may be able to ignore her man for two weeks and get great results from it. But if I tried that on my man, he'd be over it in 2 days. You know your man, so you're going to have to go with your gut instinct. **When I say ignore, it's only for lack of a better description. I don't want someone to take it as though I'm condoning being rude or anything.**** That's my advice. Read the advice on here, but make your own decision based on who the people in your unique relationship are.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 walk, you are right. I have to make my own decision. Doing this feels like a game to me and I don't like it.
daphne Posted April 12, 2006 Posted April 12, 2006 justa, I would look at it as taking time to think about what you want. This isn't a punishment. He did ask for time and now he's being wishy washy. You can't let a wishy washy guy be the leader in this relationship because he can't be responsible. I don't know how long it's been since you've backed off. It depends on how you feel. I know a friend of mine wanted me to play hard ball and when my guy called me after 4 days or so he thought I should really make him suffer. I gave it a couple of days but my situation was different. This guy really cares about me and is actively involved in teh relationship. I think things would be different if I felt resentful about being the one doing all of the work in the relationship. When you're not sure what you want from the person, I don't know that rushing back in will help you. Don't let that be fear of losing him because that's not going to happen at this point. I'm sorry I can't give you a definite answer but I don't know exactly what you want from teh relationship and there isn't one definite answer.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 daphne, it has been 3 days. He has messaged me each day and I have not responded. I just realized he knew I logged on and read today's message as he logged back in about 20 minutes after but I didn't see him then as I was already gone. and you are right, he is the one who wanted some space. he is the one who wrote me the mean message. I do want him. i just don't like being taken for granted.
Author justagirliegirl Posted April 12, 2006 Author Posted April 12, 2006 Now I really do think he is playing some game with me, but why? Late last night I respond to one of his messages. I was friendly and everything like normal. He hasn't read it yet. So this morning I decide to go to our meeting place and wait logged in. He doesn't show up. I know he is online. I know his habits and I sense him. I am not interested in playing the "hiding game" or whatever you want to call it. RRomeo, your comment about contact when it is convenient for him rings in my head as true. Seems he doesn't like it when it is turned around. I hate to even have a strategy. It seems so silly to me. I am a straightforward girl. The bf emails me, I email him back and I just expect the same in return.
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