ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I posted this message in another forum, but maybe I will get some more replies here..... I am new to this but I think hearing other peoples opinions will really help me out, so here it goes. I have never ever been a jealous type of girlfriend. Actually I have always been pretty easy going and never worried easily about cheating, etc. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have been through a lot together. I love him to death and he is my best friend. No matter who you are you make mistakes. I have always been very honest and very faithful in our relationship and as far as I know my bf has been physically faithful also. When we first got together he had a friend he had met online somehow who lived on the other side of the US and I never though much of it because he told me they were just friends and they had been for over a year. We eventually moved in together and he is on the computer a lot, which never really bothered me until one night I woke up at about 1 am to go to the bathroom and he was out on the computer and he quickly minimized whatever it was he was doing. I went over and clicked on it (with a bit of protest from him) and he had been instant messaging this girl and all I got to read was how much they missed eachother and some other things that I cant' really remember (this was 2 years ago). He quickly deleted the IM and at first I was kind of upset b/c if there was nothing going on then why hide it? I have guy friends and I have no problem talking around him. I love him and nothing would ever be going on so I have nothing to hide. ANyway he told me they were just friends and I believed him. So I forgot about it. This actually happened a few more times, and I eventually told him I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation because she had mailed him a card and he was reading it in front of me and when I looked at it she told him some things like she wished he could move out there and she thinks hes wonderful and wishes she could be with him. Why would she be saying this stuff if she knew I was in the picture. Well he told me he cut their "friendship" off because he said I was right, that she was trying to have more with him then a friendship. So of course I believed him and things went ok for a while. Then a few months down the road, he had left to go to work and I went on the computer. I guess the night before he had forgotten to log off after he got off the Instant messanger and their whole message was on their still. THe things I read hurt me more than anything else in my life. He had told her things about me that were AWEFUL and completely not true, like he had kicked me out of his apartment (which was really my apartment) and he cant get rid of me, and he promised her he would tell me its over completely, and just things like that. He made up a bunch of lies about me and about how horrible I am to him, and she was telling him that he needs to get rid of me. He actually told her he was afraid to sleep at night sometimes b/c he thought I would hurt him!!! If you knew me you would laugh because I go out of my way to make sure nobody is mad at me and try to keep everyone happy. He also told her he was going to visit her and maybe move there and even talked aobut how he would get his car there. A lot of what he told her was a complete lie also. She was 15 years older than him and he told her he was about 7 years older than he actually was. Which is funny cause when I first met him he lied about his age to me too. I am 3 years older than him. That really doesnt bother me because I think he just wanted a chance to be with me. Anyway, he told her things like he loved her and she also had a webcam and showed him a number of different things, not that I actually saw but I read it in the message. He was talking to her for probably about 8 hours because I had been at work all day and it shows what time he got on, and it was like 2 minutes after I had left. I also saw in the message archives that he talked to her often and always complained aobut me!!! That completely baffles me becaues at the time he had no steady job and I was working two jobs to pay everything and cooking for him doing all of his laundry and buying him whatever he needed. I took complete care of him so I cant understand why he would do this to me and be completely unappreciative of me. It hurt SO bad. I mean there are countless things he told this woman and it would take hours for me to type them all but basically he made himself up and made up this fake life and made her really like him and feel bad for him. I also know they talked on the phone a few times and had a song together, or some crap. So that night I packed all my stuff ( by this time we had moved into an apartment together) and I left him. I changed my phone number after calling him and telling him that I had warned him numerous times to let go of her and I told him I saw all the things he wrote and that nobody had ever hurt me like this and nobody ever would again. I had left for about a month and eventually it started hurting me more to be away then what he actually did. I agreed to meet him one night because his mom and my mom and everyone was telling me how depressed he was and was crying all the time ( and he never cries). It was one of the most emotional nights I have ever had. He actually called her in front of me, and I talked to the woman. She told me that he wrote her an email ( which I saw) which told her everything he ever said to her was a lie, that I was the best gf to him and he was losing me, and that he wasnt the age he was, didnt have 5 mustangs like he told her he did ( I still dont get that) and she told me that he told her it was killing him and he couldnt believe how bad he had messed up. Anyway its over a year later, and even though I am over it way more, I still get so suspicious of him on the computer, I still cant hear the song that she said was their song, things like that make me sick. I never got mad at her though and I told her that, It wasnt HER fault, she couldnt help but believe him. I never did and never will blame her, actually from what I saw she seemed like a nice person. The thing is, my self esteem went way downhill from that. I really made me feel completely inadequate and just so bad about myself. The problem I have now is that I always wonder what he thinks about when he looks at other women, cause she was very pretty ( and everyone has always said that I am) but now I feel like he will always look for someone better than me. I saw on the computer the other day that he was looking at some naked pictures of these UFC models and stuff and it made me really jealous or upset or something. I didnt tell him, because I dont understand it., I was never like that. Now it makes me feel like he watches that UFC crap to look at the girls, and it makes me feel like I am not good enough. Why do guys do that?? Why do they have these fantasies?? If he has me and I would give him sex WHENEVER and he knows that, or he could take pictures of me naked, I dont care, but why would they even thing about having sex with another woman if they really love the one they are with?? This woman that he had this online fling with, they would always talk about having sex and stuff like that.... and I dont understand why. Hes not deprived, I thought I looked good, I mean I am not airbrushed perfect and I dont always have a perfect tan, but I want to believe that I am the one he wants, and if I am, why does he lust over other people? and I think thats what that whole affair was about... I dont know, it all hurts me a lot, and I have always tried to be so good to him. Not to say hes not good to me, but when he tells me I am beautiful I honestly now think its a bunch of crap, because he is always going to be looking at someone more beautiful. I am sorry this is so long, I have never been able to really say all of this to anyone because I am embarrassed of it, but I figure since I dont know anyone personally it wont hurt me!! I hope someone takes the time to read all this though!! ANy thoughts on it are appreciated! Sorry if you saw this already in a different forum... I just really need some thoughts on this. and I guess I really want to understand why this stuff happens...
tikigods Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I think you need to leave him. This guy sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it to, I mean who WOULDN'T miss someone that takes care of them in every way possible while they get to goof around? This guy odviously has no respect for you and of course you are going to have low self esteem, you are letting yourself get walked all over. Leave him now, find a way to make yourself happy, and screw him (to put it blunty). Also you are embrassed to tell anyone you know cause they will tell you just how dumb it is for you to be with him, read over what you wrote here, if you read this frmo anyone else, or your friends came to you with this problem what woul;d you tell them? Being alone can be hard, but its much better then allowing yourself to get to this point
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 See thats how I felt when I left him, but then after I left he did a complete 180. He started his own business which now a year and a half later is doing so well..... and I know he hasnt done anything like that since because I have been checking....But it still hurts me and it has shot my self esteem. And him looking at nude pictures doesnt make me feel better... but I think he really was sorry I just always have this nagging feeling that is like what if he did it again....
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