sweetguy01 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I have been dating a girl for 6 months now. I am 26 and she is 21. Things were going great and she was really interested in past relationships, etc. I told her about a girl I went out with for 4 years and it was horrible and she was mean, cheated, etc. I left it at that. I was married to that girl, but I never mentioned the marriage part or divorce part. I just left it as is. In any case... my girlfriend and her parents at one point I guess 2 months ago got nosy and ran some kind of internet background search on me. They saw the marriage/divorce. Then they WENT AND called my ex to ask her about me. I didn't know any of this until last week when my girlfriends, sister's, husband asked me some things about a criminal past, that I had no idea what he was talking about, and then he wouldn't say any more. So I asked my girlfriend about it and at first she denied anything was going on and didn't know what I was talking about. Then come to find out, my girlfriend's dad, told me that they were just curious about me and my Gf's mom called my ex. My ex... told them so many horrible lies... like I was into credit card fraud, counterfit checks, child pornography, met her when I was 19 and she was 12, beat her up all the time, was fired from jobs for innappropriate behavior, etc. Said that if she didn't meet the guy she is with now, she probably would of went back to me. Then she made them promise not to tell me that she said that stuff cause she was afraid of me. Then, her parents and my GF, took all that stuff and told their whole family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My gf even told all her friends all that stuff that was said about me. Then they said after a few days, they knew it was all lies so never told me. Even though I thought people were acting weird around me. Since Last thursday, I have been so upset about it. Her parents are like, "so what" don't worry about what people think. My gf gets pissed at me for explaining how bad it hurts me that they would tell everyone all that stuff without asking me or even checking into it further. They say, all your gonna do is let your ex ruin your new relationship now if I keep worrying about it. My ex gf, is a year younger then me. We married for 4 years. she tortured me to no end, then would damage my trucks, stalk me, harass me, even tracked me when I moved cause her collection agencies would update her credit report with my address cause when I would forward my mail, all her stuff followed. Truth is, my ex, met a guy on the internet, went to another state 800 miles away for a weekend behind my back.. when she got back, I BROKE UP WITH HER, threw her out of my apartment and divorced her 3 weeks later. She begged me back for a month and I said no way.. then she started damaging my new truck. Then I moved and got a new truck and she damaged that one too. Two times!!! When she talked to my Gf's mom, she asked what I drove, where I lived and everything and they told her all of it. I am so hurt... but I love my gf very much. She has such a don't care attitude and is like, what do I expect her to do, its done now and nothing can be done. I am like, she lied, and all of you poisioned everyone's minds with lies and untrue things about me, how am I suppose to be comfortable around everyone. She is like, she don't believe it and her parents don't believe it, so dont worry about it. BUT I AM VERY BAD, and it bothers me. Its like a guy who is accused of rape, and then is proven innocent, people still look at them like a rapist. My ex was probably in her glory to have that chance to ruin my life again and ruin a new realtionship. What am I suppose to do? How do I get over it? My gf and her family act like its no big deal and that I am going to just piss them off and she is getting close to breaking up with me over it,.
ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 It is a big deal, because even if you know its not true, and they say they know its not true, it still would hurt you and bother you. Tell her to put herself in your shoes. She doesnt want to understand because she probably feels stupid and ashamed. And if someone loves you, then whatever is a big deal to you they wont blow it off, they will work it out with you, especially if they are the reason for it. That is so horrible and I am so sorry that happened to you!! Even if you didnt do any of it its hard to just not care what other people think, ESPECIALLY if you know that these people talk to your girlfriend tell her things. You really need to tell her if she cares about you then she needs to talk about it with you. Dont feel bad about being upset about it. It is wrong.
Raven1845 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Why are you still with your current girlfriend? She and her family sound a little psychotic to have been doing a background check on you in the first place -- and then not to question you about it before they went slandering your name? That is something I would NOT have tolerated. Your ex is not the only one I'd be considering to sue for slander. What THEY did was just as wrong as what your ex-wife did. The only innocent person in this scenario is YOU! The fact that your current girlfriend and her family are acting like what they did is no big deal is so trashy, I can't even begin to explain to you how trashy it is. You say you love your gf so much. I loved my ex and he hurt me horribly. Contrary to popular belief, it does NOT always take two to break-up a relationship. You may want to consider whether or not you want to be in a relationship like this one, and whether or not you want to be surrounded by these kinds of people.
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 I said to them that I was going to sue my ex for slander.. and they said they won't be involved and to leave it alone.... Said I was making to big of a deal out of it. When I said to them how wrong it is, and how wrong it was to tell everyone those lies and untrue things is horrible, and they said that I should have told my GF that I was married before, so because I didn't that I was dishonest and they had a right to check. Then I said, why in the world would they keep it a secret from me and not tell me for 2 months, until her sister's husband asked me about some of the stuff. They said cause my ex made them promise and cause they didn't believe what she said after a couple days anyway so they said it wasn't worth telling me. ?????
KittenMoon Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 You'd think since her family saw how psycho your ex was they might be more understanding as to why you didn't talk about her.
ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I know you said you love your gf, but maybe you dont know her as well as you think... for someone to do this to you and then not even talk about it and then get mad at you!!! THat is ridiculous.... you seem like a nice guy and really deserve someone to treat you like the kind of person you are and not like this....
Raven1845 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 You'd think since her family saw how psycho your ex was they might be more understanding as to why you didn't talk about her. His new girlfriend's family sound a little psycho themselves, which is probably why they aren't more understanding about it. It doesn't make sense that someone would do a background check like that out of the blue. Was there a reason they did this?
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 Her family tight... 3 girls, the father and mother. oldest is 28, 26, and 21. They are spoiled rotten. Daddy does everything for them. Even the 28 year old and 26 year old, pays bills for them, etc etc. the 26 year old sister is with a new BF, she was married to a jerk... supposedly and then got married. I didn't know him. Her father says that he is very protective of his daughters. There is a lot of competition between my gf and her cousin that is the same age. Alot of gossip among the family/aunts/uncles, etc. They said they checked up on me cause I didn't talk much about my past or relationships. I never knew it was that big of a deal. My gf says that her dad just worries and was wondering what I was all about. I don't know how to take it all. They said at first they were shocked by everything my ex said to them and thats how everyone, and I mean everyone in the family found out everything she said. But then my GF was supposedly upset by it all and told all her friends all that stuff too. Then they said after thinking about it all... after a few days they didn't believe it and that is why they didn't say anything. When I found this all out last thursday, I called my ex and she tried to deny everything... even had me call my gf's dad on 3-way and I did, and she said that she never talked to anyone about me and that she swears on her childs heart that she never said a word about me. Then we got off the phone and my gf's dad was pissed at me for calling my ex. I felt I had a right to confront her about all the lies. Then my ex.. called them back later and said that I was threatening her life and that she was scared and how awful I am. They told her to call the police if I was doing that, WHICH I WASN'T. Well.. she never called the police... it was all lies. My ex was loving every minute of it all... I know the way she is... and she said all those lies to hurt me in the worst way cause she knows that I love kids and want a big family. My gf's dad won't even talk to me about how I feel and how wrong I think it was. My GF tells me she is tired of hearing me talk about it, and hearing what they should of done or shouldn't of done and that I need to get over it or it will ruin our relationship. I am like... my ex gets a shot like that to say the most horrible mean lies about me, they go and publicize it to everyone, even people that don't know me.. and I am suppose to be just ok with it all and not upset or hurt or anything. My gf says she understands that I am upset... but there is nothing that can be done to change things and that I should quit worrying about it. how can i though? When you say mean and horrible things about someone, people always will think that, even if told later it was a mistake... this is just so unfair... and I dunno what to do
ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 sheesh, if you love her i guess you think you may marry her if you stay with her, but do you relaly want to marry into a family like that???? It seems like they feed off of drama like that. Is that what you really want?? How long have you been with her? She should not blow off your feelings like that..
Raven1845 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 They owe you an apology. They had no right to check up on you just because you weren't talking about your past. Big deal! Lots of people don't talk about their past. It's not like you were avoiding their questions or anything, right? YOU are the ONLY person in this entire scenario that has any right to be pissed off. I can't advise you to break-up with her, because that is a decision only YOU can make. I can say, however, that if it were me I would not have tolerated it, and I would have ended the relationship. Your girlfriend and her family need to realize what they did was wrong, and they need to take responsibility and apologize. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. All I can tell you is that I believe you were right and they are wrong. If there were a bunch of people that heard horrible lies about them and then spread it all over, they wouldn't have liked it either. I've never understood why it's so difficult for people to put themselves in someone else's shoes before telling them how they think they should feel. Hang in there!
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 I was friends with her for a couple years and we have been "together" and serious for 6 months... and yes I was hoping to marry her.... but I told her I don't think I can get over this ordeal and how they went and told everyone all these lies without even checking into it first or veryifing it or even telling me... some of the stuff my ex said were so blatent that she was lying, they even said that they didn't believe her about it... but then after a few days they figured she was just a mean ex and was lying cause they think I am a nice guy. I wish there was something legally I could do to my ex for causing me all this pain... but I called a lawyer and he said it would amount to nothing and is a waste of time
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 well..... she says she loves me.. but they all act like I am stupid for caring or worrying what everyone was told. If it was only like 2 people I wouldn't care as much... but why would they tell everyone in their family and then my gf tell all her friends the stuff too???? then keep it a secret from me for 2 months.... I just don't understand it. If I heard some awful things about someone I cared about, I would ask them about it... or see if it was true before telling anyone at all.... I feel like I was violated in every way. I feel like my character was destroyed and that I am suppose to just not care and be happy... when I can't. I totally feel awkward now. My gf says if I don't stop letting it bother me it will push her away cause she don't want to hear about it any more.... She says there is nothing anyone can do to erase what was done so quit complaining... I never complain about anything.. but this is about the most horrible thing that was ever done to me...
CaliGuy Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 My gf says if I don't stop letting it bother me it will push her away cause she don't want to hear about it any more.... She says there is nothing anyone can do to erase what was done so quit complaining... If you are smart, you will listen to her. This is a warning shot to you that while she can sympathize with what is going on, she doesn't want you wallowing around in self-pity. It's not attractive. I never complain about anything.. but this is about the most horrible thing that was ever done to me... Let's put things in perspective here. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but think about it. Nobody died, right? You didn't lose an arm, right? The sun is still coming up tomorrow, right? You're still with your g/f, right? Shake it off. This is just a bump in the road. You'll get over it. Forget about it. I know it's hard, but if you dwell on it you'll make it worse.
MadDog Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I agree with Caliguy. Shake it off. They were wrong to go behind your back but I also think you should have told your g/f you had been married before, especially before you had reached the 6 month mark. At this point, it's over and everything is out in the open so just move on & concentrate on making your g/f happy.
MadDog Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 YAnd then why, too, would she have believed a single word your ex said and spread the gossip all over to just about everyone she knows? Cause bitches love to gossip.
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 Yes... all three sisters are babied big time. Even her sister that is married at 28, still has bills paid for by her dad and he buys all of them everything. I dunno... I love her and I did want to marry her... but I don't know if I can actually understand or forgive for the bad and trashy lies being told to everyone behind my back. I would of talked to her first before saying anything... Just don't make sense...
Raven1845 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I know CaliGuy and MadDog said to shake it off, they both give great advice, but . . . If it were me and I were unable to "shake it off" I would end the relationship. Take what I say with a grain of salt, because I've been hurt really bad and am tired of people's crap, so I may be a little harsh right now. It's just this . . . Move past it. If you can't, it will always bother you and it would be unhealthy for both you and your girlfriend to continue on that path. I wish you the best of luck!
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Yes... all three sisters are babied big time. Even her sister that is married at 28, still has bills paid for by her dad and he buys all of them everything. Parents do not understand boundaries in more ways than one. I dunno... I love her and I did want to marry her... but I don't know if I can actually understand or forgive for the bad and trashy lies being told to everyone behind my back. I would of talked to her first before saying anything... Just don't make sense... Then take a break. Walk away from her for a time and get your bearings straight. Realize if you do this you may lose her, but if you can't trust her or her family then the relationship will suffer.
FreeMe Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Sweetguy01 - I agree with you. They did violate you, not so much by the background check, but by telling everyone all those lies and also for calling your ex without your knowledge. As soon as they did the check and found you had been married, they should have asked you about it and that should have been an end to it. Their judgement in telling everyone about what they heard from your psycho ex was beyond poor. They showed absolutely no respect for you and they are continuing to show no respect by negating your feelings about it. If it were me, I could not be around any of them, including your girlfriend. I don't agree with the other posters that you should just get over it. They've seriously wounded you. It's as if they aren't even treating you as human. You sound like a really nice guy who has been hurt and abused in the past. You deserve better than how they are treating you.
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 THANK YOU FREEME... I feel so violated.... and the thing that hurts even more is that they make me out to be a baby about it.... if it were just normal ex stuff that was said, about being hated, etc, I wouldn't of cared, but the stuff my psycho ex said about me were severely damaging. I understand the fact of what they are saying that nothing can be done now cause they can't erase what was told to their whole family and her friends, but how can they expect me just to forget it and then to feel comfortable around everyone. i am so hurt and angry about it. my ex was given an oppurtunity to purposely try and ruin me. I never mentioned it cause it was a very hurtful time in my life. she cheated on me, hurt me, damaged vehicles I owned, even stalked me. she knew that there was two things I loved and that was my vehicle and i loved/wanted a big family and children. i just didn't want it with her cause she was untrustworthy and horribly mean. I am not someone to bash people so I just didn't talk about my ex and how bad she was. I would of never called her ex and then spread rumors about her to my family and friends. I love her with all my heart but I know I will never be comfortable with it. I don't know what I should do... I wish it never happened. I can't even mention it now cause everyone gets defensive. They play it down like its no big deal. they have no idea what they did. then on top of it... my ex asked them what I drove and they told her.... I said to them.. she could of and still can come and damage my new truck... and they kept it a secret for 2 months from me and had no intentions on telling me... just so happened her sisters husband told me some of it. I dunno... I treat my gf like a total queen, do everything for her, respect her, love her... take care of her.. get her anything she needs.. she has told me that I am the best guy she ever had... and yet.. I was so easily betrayed and violated...
CaliGuy Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I treat my gf like a total queen, do everything for her, respect her, love her... take care of her.. get her anything she needs.. she has told me that I am the best guy she ever had... and yet.. I was so easily betrayed and violated... No offense, but that's 'nice guy' behavior. Do you have boundaries? If so, do you have repercussions for crossing them? For example, not being trusting of you and checking into your background is a boundary that was crossed. My question is what are you going to do about it? Nothing? Let it slide? Or tell them flat out they crossed the line and you don't appreciate it. And stop treating your g/f like a queen and start treating her like an equal. You have needs that should be met as well. I treated my ex like a queen and in the end she got bored with me. She too said nobody had ever treated her as well as I did. Look where that got me. I learned a hard lesson. I needed to make myself happy first, have boundaries, be confident, happy and fun or no attraction would ever last.
Author sweetguy01 Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 Hi.... yes I suffer from "nice guy syndrome". I have always been that way. Its a habit that I cannot break. I tend to always spoil and treat her like a queen... sometimes I think she does appreciate it and other times I think she doesn't cause her dad spoils her anyway... they say nice guys finish last... and Im almost thinking that she will if not already will get bored and move on... she is a thrill seeker.. before me and her got serious... she was ok with going out and having 1 night stands... didn't mean much to her.... so I always kept that in the back of my mind.... but tried never to let it bother me. She has a lot of guy friends that she hangs out with.. but promises its only friends.. I am so confused... I know it would totally break my heart and devastate me to break up... but I dunno..
Mary3 Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 This is SUCH total Bullsh** ! I would tell her and her family to get the Hell out of your LIFE !! What a horrible way to treat someone ! If someone did that to me and they ganged up and told 57 cousins , nieces , nephews , uncles ,. aunts ...I would be furious that they damaged my integrity and reputation and would get farrrrrrrrrrr farrrrrr away from that cra* ! All posters here who think he should * shrug it off * What if that happened to you and you ended in County Jail because she thought you looked like " the guy on Channel 5 News who looked just like the Child Sex Predator and you had to defend yourself in court ? Its a more extreme example but the point is she fu***ed up your mind and her & her family~ and shes like " Oh baby you need to quit whining " I would tell her to shove it !~! And THIS is only the beginning of the gang up of her family who were quick to judge you ! And believe a bitter x girlfriend. Run ! Far away ! You already had one psycho ex girl. Now you got a new one and her WHOLE Family ! NO THANKS ! I would Pass. ~~~~~~~~~~!
CaliGuy Posted April 9, 2006 Posted April 9, 2006 yes I suffer from "nice guy syndrome". I have always been that way. Its a habit that I cannot break. Yes you can. I suggest books by David Glover (no more mr nice guy) and David DeAngleo (How to be a man that naturally attracts women). Both wilkl break that nasty habit. I tend to always spoil and treat her like a queen... sometimes I think she does appreciate it and other times I think she doesn't cause her dad spoils her anyway... Most women will enjoy being spoiled most when it's on a special occasion. If you spoil them, they get bored with you quickly. You're no challenge to them, no intrigue, nothing to spark romantic interest. Wussy men finish last. they say nice guys finish last... and Im almost thinking that she will if not already will get bored and move on... she is a thrill seeker.. before me and her got serious... she was ok with going out and having 1 night stands... didn't mean much to her.... so I always kept that in the back of my mind.... but tried never to let it bother me. "Nice guys" tend to attract women who are not mentally healthy because they can fix them, relate to them better. If you find that you relate to women who need "rescuing" or are not psychologically fit for a relationship, it's not the women that are the problem, it's you. You're choosing bad women for yourself. I am so confused... I know it would totally break my heart and devastate me to break up... but I dunno.. It'd be the 'nice guy' thing to do to stick with a failing relationship. Bolt now, get yourself healed up and out of the wuss mode and you'll find yourself not atttracting screwed up women anymore
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