ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I am new to this but I think hearing other peoples opinions will really help me out, so here it goes. I have never ever been a jealous type of girlfriend. Actually I have always been pretty easy going and never worried easily about cheating, etc. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have been through a lot together. I love him to death and he is my best friend. No matter who you are you make mistakes. I have always been very honest and very faithful in our relationship and as far as I know my bf has been physically faithful also. When we first got together he had a friend he had met online somehow who lived on the other side of the US and I never though much of it because he told me they were just friends and they had been for over a year. We eventually moved in together and he is on the computer a lot, which never really bothered me until one night I woke up at about 1 am to go to the bathroom and he was out on the computer and he quickly minimized whatever it was he was doing. I went over and clicked on it (with a bit of protest from him) and he had been instant messaging this girl and all I got to read was how much they missed eachother and some other things that I cant' really remember (this was 2 years ago). He quickly deleted the IM and at first I was kind of upset b/c if there was nothing going on then why hide it? I have guy friends and I have no problem talking around him. I love him and nothing would ever be going on so I have nothing to hide. ANyway he told me they were just friends and I believed him. So I forgot about it. This actually happened a few more times, and I eventually told him I felt uncomfortable with the whole situation because she had mailed him a card and he was reading it in front of me and when I looked at it she told him some things like she wished he could move out there and she thinks hes wonderful and wishes she could be with him. Why would she be saying this stuff if she knew I was in the picture. Well he told me he cut their "friendship" off because he said I was right, that she was trying to have more with him then a friendship. So of course I believed him and things went ok for a while. Then a few months down the road, he had left to go to work and I went on the computer. I guess the night before he had forgotten to log off after he got off the Instant messanger and their whole message was on their still. THe things I read hurt me more than anything else in my life. He had told her things about me that were AWEFUL and completely not true, like he had kicked me out of his apartment (which was really my apartment) and he cant get rid of me, and he promised her he would tell me its over completely, and just things like that. He made up a bunch of lies about me and about how horrible I am to him, and she was telling him that he needs to get rid of me. He actually told her he was afraid to sleep at night sometimes b/c he thought I would hurt him!!! If you knew me you would laugh because I go out of my way to make sure nobody is mad at me and try to keep everyone happy. He also told her he was going to visit her and maybe move there and even talked aobut how he would get his car there. A lot of what he told her was a complete lie also. She was 15 years older than him and he told her he was about 7 years older than he actually was. Which is funny cause when I first met him he lied about his age to me too. I am 3 years older than him. That really doesnt bother me because I think he just wanted a chance to be with me. Anyway, he told her things like he loved her and she also had a webcam and showed him a number of different things, not that I actually saw but I read it in the message. He was talking to her for probably about 8 hours because I had been at work all day and it shows what time he got on, and it was like 2 minutes after I had left. I also saw in the message archives that he talked to her often and always complained aobut me!!! That completely baffles me becaues at the time he had no steady job and I was working two jobs to pay everything and cooking for him doing all of his laundry and buying him whatever he needed. I took complete care of him so I cant understand why he would do this to me and be completely unappreciative of me. It hurt SO bad. I mean there are countless things he told this woman and it would take hours for me to type them all but basically he made himself up and made up this fake life and made her really like him and feel bad for him. I also know they talked on the phone a few times and had a song together, or some crap. So that night I packed all my stuff ( by this time we had moved into an apartment together) and I left him. I changed my phone number after calling him and telling him that I had warned him numerous times to let go of her and I told him I saw all the things he wrote and that nobody had ever hurt me like this and nobody ever would again. I had left for about a month and eventually it started hurting me more to be away then what he actually did. I agreed to meet him one night because his mom and my mom and everyone was telling me how depressed he was and was crying all the time ( and he never cries). It was one of the most emotional nights I have ever had. He actually called her in front of me, and I talked to the woman. She told me that he wrote her an email ( which I saw) which told her everything he ever said to her was a lie, that I was the best gf to him and he was losing me, and that he wasnt the age he was, didnt have 5 mustangs like he told her he did ( I still dont get that) and she told me that he told her it was killing him and he couldnt believe how bad he had messed up. Anyway its over a year later, and even though I am over it way more, I still get so suspicious of him on the computer, I still cant hear the song that she said was their song, things like that make me sick. I never got mad at her though and I told her that, It wasnt HER fault, she couldnt help but believe him. I never did and never will blame her, actually from what I saw she seemed like a nice person. The thing is, my self esteem went way downhill from that. I really made me feel completely inadequate and just so bad about myself. The problem I have now is that I always wonder what he thinks about when he looks at other women, cause she was very pretty ( and everyone has always said that I am) but now I feel like he will always look for someone better than me. I saw on the computer the other day that he was looking at some naked pictures of these UFC models and stuff and it made me really jealous or upset or something. I didnt tell him, because I dont understand it., I was never like that. Now it makes me feel like he watches that UFC crap to look at the girls, and it makes me feel like I am not good enough. Why do guys do that?? Why do they have these fantasies?? If he has me and I would give him sex WHENEVER and he knows that, or he could take pictures of me naked, I dont care, but why would they even thing about having sex with another woman if they really love the one they are with?? This woman that he had this online fling with, they would always talk about having sex and stuff like that.... and I dont understand why. Hes not deprived, I thought I looked good, I mean I am not airbrushed perfect and I dont always have a perfect tan, but I want to believe that I am the one he wants, and if I am, why does he lust over other people? and I think thats what that whole affair was about... I dont know, it all hurts me a lot, and I have always tried to be so good to him. Not to say hes not good to me, but when he tells me I am beautiful I honestly now think its a bunch of crap, because he is always going to be looking at someone more beautiful. I am sorry this is so long, I have never been able to really say all of this to anyone because I am embarrassed of it, but I figure since I dont know anyone personally it wont hurt me!! I hope someone takes the time to read all this though!! ANy thoughts on it are appreciated!
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Men will cry, men will plead and beg. Men can cheat on you, and if you find out, cry like a little whiny baby, It's like some just don't know any better. Im sure this guy loves you, but think about this, If any one would have said anything about your bf...you would probaly stick up for him in an instant! He told this girl Horrible lies about you!!!.. Okay it takes alot to do that, put your self in his shoes, what kind of person does it take to do that???? Hun, I know this is hard, I was in a position where my ( now ex )...did some mean things, and when brought to his attention, he would cry, but that is soooooooo sneaky, that is not some one you want to be with the rest of your life?? NO..there really is no reasoning behind his actions, he could still be going behind your back and telling her all this stuff. It's time for a break up, In my eyes I would consider that cheating, and cheating is betrayl. A person like that will hurt you more, and screw with your head. Get out while you can, and tell him how you feel, be strong okay
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 I definitely agree its cheating, thats why I left.....When I went back I questioned myself allllll the time. Honestly I almost think that he was depressed and feeling so bad about himself ( he had his gf taking care of him and he couldnt get off his ass, that would make me feel like s***) I think this girl made him feel better, and I think deep down he loved me but was so into himself he couldnt treat me right. THen when I left he realized it. THings are A LOT different now. He doesnt ever get onto those instant messages or whatever. I check the computer and I would even know if he tried to delete the history which he hasnt. So for a year and a half now I know hes had no contact with her or had no other relationship. He really does treat me differently now, and he also started his own bussiness which is doing so well. I mean he went from sitting on his butt 24 hours a day, to starting a bussiness and even my mom said that since I left him and in the past year he has grown up so much. I just dont understand why him looking at other girls makes me feel so crappy. And i dont understand why he feels like he has to look at perfect naked girls, if he really truely was happy with me,.... and I think a lot of my insecurities go back to what he did, cause I still dont really understand that. You are right, if I put myself in his shoes, I could NEVER do something like that to someone. I think the whole time he just thought of himself and he felt so bad about himself it made him feel better. He was lazy and didnt want to fix the problem the right way. And when I left he was scared into changing his lifestyle.....I guess, or am I just making excuses? I dont know. Is it normal for guys to always look at other girls sexually and could it have only been about that? And if a guy really loves someone why would they want anthoer girl sexually?
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 You know I have the same questions my self, yet unanswererd. Pretty naked girls are just things guys like, they look at.. and even if they do love you.. well they will continue to look at pretty things. Kinda screws with your head I know, and hurts your feelings..but those are just guys for you.
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 I really appreciate any help on all of this!! I have never really talked to anyone b/c I felt stupid, especially since I never felt this way before. Maybe I was too naive before!! I guess its normal to look, I mean I notice hot guys but I really dont feel the need to see them naked or think about having sex with them. I guess thats really where we are different froim men.... Or I just relaly love him. Who knows. But I just wonder why they think about having sex with other women if they say they are happy with theirs!! He told this girl he wanted to have sex with her, and whether or not it was true, he definitely fantasized about it, because he wrote to her what he thought about ( and lemme tell you that HURT) and thats the same as if he were just looking at a picutre of a girl... he just cant contact them!! If you love someone, then arent they enough??
Mz. Pixie Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 He's been using you because he's not working and he had an affair with this other person. You did everything for him, what was he doing for you?? You were holding down two jobs??? He was basically taking the time he should have spent working and spending time with you and devoting it to this other person online. Then when he got caught he freaked out and had to come clean to her to get you back so that he could continue being supported financially. He's also a pathological liar. Why would you even want to be with someone like this?? The title of your thread should be how to figure this jerk out, not men. A real man wouldn't act like this. Men are generally pretty simple as a rule. They like to be fed, given attention and sex- throw in some sports and sometimes porn and that's about it. You're putting too much thought into this. Cut him loose and find someone else who respects you. __________________
Gorgeous Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 The title of your thread should be how to figure this jerk out, not men. A real man wouldn't act like this. __________________ True. A real man wouldn't put his significant other in a position like that. A real man wouldn't sit on his ass and cheat while his lady was out working two jobs. Men are generally pretty simple as a rule. They like to be fed, given attention and sex- throw in some sports and sometimes porn and that's about it. You're putting too much thought into this. __________________ Ouch! I consider myself to be a pretty complex person, thank you very much. I feed myself, cook my own dinners, love fitness, cars, art/design, movies (including foreign films). I do love the sex though, you got that one right. I used to work in porn (as a web designer) so it really doesn't do it for me. That and I have a hot-as-balls GF...
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Your in love with him, so with out knowing it your probaly making excuses for him. Look at this from an outsiders point of view, and you would say the same things we are saying. Once a cheater, hun always a cheater. I think any one would preferbly choose a naked girl to look at, than a naked guy.. naked guys are dorky! Some are hott, but generally girls are the better ones to look at even from girls. Everything is easier said than done, doing a break up when you love someone is extremely difficult, because when you feel the hurt you know you can go back to them, even when they have hurt you. But you can do better, after you have healed and moved on from the relationship you will see that you should have done this sooner. If you choose to stay, if you truely feel he desearves it since hes been doing good, than stay.. but if he messes up one more time, I hope your only smart enough to quickly end it!
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 True. A real man wouldn't put his significant other in a position like that. A real man wouldn't sit on his ass and cheat while his lady was out working two jobs. Ouch! I consider myself to be a pretty complex person, thank you very much. I feed myself, cook my own dinners, love fitness, cars, art/design, movies (including foreign films). I do love the sex though, you got that one right. I used to work in porn (as a web designer) so it really doesn't do it for me. That and I have a hot-as-balls GF... So it is possible for a guy to really only be sexually attracted to his gf! So basically if they really arent satisfied then they are always going to look....
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 Somehow throught this whole ordeal my selfesteem has just been shot, and I need to figure out a way to regain it, but honestly I have no clue how...
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I think it is possible for a guy to be sexually attracted to another woman, just as it is possible for a woman to be sexually attracted to another man. But hence the word, Real man.
Brittanyjean06 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Don't let this mangle with your self asteem, You can be the most gorgous girl, and a guy can still cheat on you!
HotCaliGirl Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 On the one hand he apologized and regretted what he did, made good by telling the other girl the truth and starting over with you. But like the other poster brittanyjean says, what kind of person could say those things about you in the first place? It sounds like you never would say a bad thing about him, yet he had created this complex web of lies depicting you as this horrible person, the same time he was saying he loves you and sleeping with you. Now he has triggered a downward spiral of low self esteem and you pay attention to all the girls he looks at, which before would not have been an issue, and now it might be with any man you're with because of how he has made you feel. If you tell him not to look at the girls online or on television like every other man does, he will think you are controlling and things might get bad, but if you keep quiet you will always be hurting and measuring yourself against them, wondering if there's something wrong with you that he has to still look at the other girls who look better. Try to focus on the two of you and how he treats you. If he has been better and honest, he could just be looking at the others in an innocent light. However, don't let your feelings cover up anything that might be wrong that you are not acknowledging. It's not farfetched to believe he has been using you because you have been the provider - financially and all other ways, and instead of putting you up on a pedestal, it was during this same time he was talking crap about you and flirting with another woman. Then when he saw he'd be losing his financial support, he cried and "changed" but you are feeling that he might still be untrustworthy and the same person. Keep your eyes open and now that he knows he could lose the help he gets from you, he might make a better effort at covering up his tracks. It's hard to know if he would still be with you if he was as financially independent as you are, and could get his own apartment and so forth.
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 See thats the whole thing, he is financially stable now and he could pay everything on his own. I think hes still really embarassed about how he was back then, and I dont know what was wrong, I could never just sit there and watch someone take care of me, and then do all the crap he did. That is so aweful. But its weird cause he really has changed, or i think he has. Its like I really want to trust him now, but when your trust is broken its hard to fix it. So I guess thats why I am always afraid of him wanting someone other than me. I dont look because i feel like i have no need to , I want him, but he looks and so I feel like when he finds something else he wants he will leave. He really did do a 180 when I left him though. He could take care of me now, but I would never let myself become dependant on someone else.
catgirl1927 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Whenever you start to feel bad, remember that Halle Berry's husband cheated on her. HALLE BERRY. It truly has nothing to do with what you look like. Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley. Seriously.
Author ali0812 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 k then heres my question to guys, does sex mean anything in a relationship to you or is it just sex? Because if you think about having sex with another woman then what does that make your girlfriend? Is sex sex and love love? For guys are they two different things? For me, I dont want to have sex with anyone else becaues it is special in my relationship. Its not just sex to me. But for guys I am starting to think its just a physical thing. Because when he was talking to this girl, I dont think he actually cared... I think it was sexual, or it made him feel good. Is this where men are different from women?
whichwayisup Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 (Most) Men can separate LOVE and SEX. Some women can do this too, but mostly this is a male trait.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 For most women sex comes secondary, but for most men they will leave the woman they "love" if another woman gives them better sex...and the whole attraction starts visuallly with men, after which they are curious what she is like sexually and will "try" her out if given the opportunity.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Fantasy and he's caught up in the "grass is greener on the otherside of the fence." Once that wears off, he'll be realizing what he had and chances are, it will be too late...
Author ali0812 Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 For most women sex comes secondary, but for most men they will leave the woman they "love" if another woman gives them better sex...and the whole attraction starts visuallly with men, after which they are curious what she is like sexually and will "try" her out if given the opportunity. So most men if they found someone more attractive would cheat if they were given the chance??? I dont know how I will ever trust any guy!!
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Not all men are like this! Some are, but so many aren't.
Author ali0812 Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 I hope not!! Or i might just have to be an old maid, just so I dont get hurt again.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I hope not!! Or i might just have to be an old maid, just so I dont get hurt again. but that's like saying you'll never eat junk food again cuz you don't want to get fat....the real world isn't like cinderella's and men will cheat as long as they can get away with it for the most part, except there might be some exceptions.
Pyro Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 but that's like saying you'll never eat junk food again cuz you don't want to get fat....the real world isn't like cinderella's and men will cheat as long as they can get away with it for the most part, except there might be some exceptions. Trust me, their are exceptions. The fact that some of us guys love our S.O.'s and some of us guys would never do that to someone that we truly love. If you cheat on someone, you don't truly love them. True love has part to do with loyalty and respect.
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