GB111 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Hi All, Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post. I will spare you all the gory details, but will try to give a brief cross-section of my situation, then one quick question. My girlfriend and I broke up the day after Valentine's Day. I went NC right away, but she called a few days later, told me how much she loved me, wanted to grow old with me, etc., etc. I became very clingy and constantly broke NC after that, thinking that I could win her back. Despite all her promises, she was still very stand-offish. She said she wanted to get back together in "a few weeks". She needed some time to take care of some things in her life. Well, I went out of town on business, and when I came back, had a few little gifts for her. Walked in to her house, and found her on the couch with another man. Ugh. Well, time passes and I asked if she really loved him. "I don't know... I'm confused". Ok, no contact again. Well, 4 days later, I call, thinking I'll get her VM b/c I know she's in church. She answers and is very friendly. Just say I wanted to say "hello". NC. She shows up at my door last Tuesday, tells me she loves me, wants to marry me, wants to have children with me, etc., etc. We get back together. Friday, she calls me to tell me that she does not love me, does not want me, etc., etc., but wants to be friends. I say "ok". Well, since then I've gone NC again because I've once again reached the point of realizing that I'm just being played. I know NOW that she has been seeing this other man, despite the fact that she told me it was over. I suspect whenever they have a fight, she comes running to me. My question is this... Each time she comes back declaring her love, I open myself up b/c I'm not healed, and end up getting hurt again. I suspect she'll probably show up again sometime, and I want to be prepared to tell her she has exhausted her chances. I realize that's something I have to have the strength to do myself, but I'm hoping that if I have the strength to reject, it will help the healing process. In other words, I hope that having the strength to say "not interested" will give me some satisfaction in knowing that now she must sleep in the bed she made. I know this sounds nasty, unhealthy, and vindictive, but frankly, after how she's played me, I really can't make myself feel bad about doing it if it helps me. Has anyone had this experience, and can they share how it did/didn't help them heal? Thanks in advance for any input/guidance you can provide!
kypepeo Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Hi, I was in a relationship like that where I just couldn't let go of the dude despite the fact that he was always doing wrong by me. It all starts in the mind. You are already halfway there because you know that she's playing with your emotions. She obviously knows exactly how to get to you. Get mad at her if you have to but you have to stop thinking about what you had, how much you love her e.t.c. You have to stop feeling sorry for her or whatever and stand by your decision to let her go. Yes, it feels really good to tell het to leave and never come back but at some point, you'll have moved on to the point where hurting her like that won't even mean anything to you anymore. Basically, make a decision and stick to it. Don't communicate with her at all no matter what she says. make it clear to her that it's finally over for you
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 My question is this... Each time she comes back declaring her love, I open myself up b/c I'm not healed, and end up getting hurt again. I suspect she'll probably show up again sometime, and I want to be prepared to tell her she has exhausted her chances. I know this sounds nasty, unhealthy, and vindictive, but frankly, after how she's played me, I really can't make myself feel bad about doing it if it helps me. Has anyone had this experience, and can they share how it did/didn't help them heal? Thanks in advance for any input/guidance you can provide! First off, you don't open yourself up because you're not healed. You open yourself up because you hold on to some vain hope that "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care." Which is BS. It doesn't sound nasty, vindictive, or unhealthy -- the fact that you think it's unhealthy seems unhealthy to me. What is unhealthy is continually allowing someone who injures you back into your life. What is healthy is establishing clear boundaries where you can say, if you step over this line, I cannot allow you to hurt me any more and I will separate myself from you. No contact means no contact. No accepting calls, no making calls. No opening the door when she stops by, no talking about her to mutual friends. If you read the no contact guide, it has more clear information, but you need to step away. Explore why you keep chosing to allow her back into your life. Evaluate whether this is in your best interest, and for God's sake stick to your guns.
riobikini Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 b_o...You ripped the myth right down the middle...great post!!!!! -Rio
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 b_o...You ripped the myth right down the middle...great post!!!!! -Rio A la Napoleon Dynamite....Yessssssssssssssss!
Author GB111 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 Wow, thanks for the confidence boost! I know you're right, however, I know exactly why I keep letting her back in. I love her. Don't I wish that logic was always so easy to follow. Unfortunately, when you're in love, you do foolish things. I KNOW that. I've done them. Well, I'm happy to say that each day I really am feeling a bit better. I know at some point she'll be back, but I've set a goal for myself, which I think works the best for me. Namely, I need the month of April to take care of myself. After that, if I feel I want, I can speak with her again, but I feel I have to take things one step at a time. Hard to believe that someone who once professed undying love for you can treat you so horribly. Never really understood how people were capable of that, but I guess that's what's easiest for them. We each have to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, I have allowed myself to be a victim. While I hurt, it doesn't seem that my pain is as great as many on this board. Sure, she's always on my mind, but that sickening feeling in my gut is gone, and I'm beyond caring if she's with someone else. Tells me I'm making progress after only 1.5 months of being apart and being dragged around that entire time. I believe she truly is confused, but I need to recognize that it's not my job to set her straight. Only she can do that, and any "convincing" I'm engaging in is simply prolonging my own pain. I know it's all easier from here. Can't say I don't miss her, that I don't love her, and that I don't care about her, but that's the side of the see-saw I'm on now, which makes me feel good. Getting to this point was hard because I didn't WANT to forget her. Still don't, but definitely want to take off the rose-colored glasses. Again, thanks for the responses.
blind_otter Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Hey, don't forget her. Just don't forget to remember all the things about her, not just the lovely things or the sweaty sex. And stop thinking that healthy impulses are unheathy because that could make them unhealthy even though they are essentially healthy. Now I'm confused.
CaliGuy Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 It doesn't sound nasty, vindictive, or unhealthy -- the fact that you think it's unhealthy seems unhealthy to me. What is unhealthy is continually allowing someone who injures you back into your life. What is healthy is establishing clear boundaries where you can say, if you step over this line, I cannot allow you to hurt me any more and I will separate myself from you. Excellent advice. Having boundaries is healthy. Letting someone continually cross them because you love them is not. It's one of the most unhealthy things you can do for them or for yourself.
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