lovelorcet Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I guess I am looking for some advice about how to structure my relationship with my wife. I had posted a few weeks back how things have started and to sum it all up. She has met someone else how she thinks she wants to be with. This person lives more or less on the other side of the world. She thinks she has fallen out of love with me and has decided to leave. She more or less moved out last weekend and should finish her move on this Friday. Before she had decided to go I made it very clear that I was prepared to do whatever it took to make things work and she knows me well enough (over 10 years) that I mean what I say and am very capable of following through. But since she has given me her decision I have back off completely and have been trying to accept it myself. I have been doing all of the right things like keeping busy and working out and so on. I do really notice that when I do not see her I feel much better. I would like to go into some form of no contact but there are things that we have to take care of together whether it is financial stuff or other types of paper work. For example today I got an email from her concerning insurance about our apartments and that she would like to come by tomorrow or the day after to pack some more things. I think to not respond at all would be rude and could cause more problems. She knows that I see my emails as soon as they come in so I thought that I would just wait a day to answer. She has even said a few times that she really hopes that we can stay in touch with each other but she would also understand if it was too hard for me. I am not really sure if it is a bluff or if she really means it. I’d say about a 50/50 chance. I am also very close with her family and I am not sure how to balance out that relationship as well. I moved overseas to be with her almost 6 years ago now and they have always treated me like their own child. Her mother called me for example last night and was in tears and wanted to invite me to come to their place over the Easter weekend. I do not think that I would be able to deal with a whole weekend of having my wife also there but how do I find the correct amount of distance from my wife while at the same time trying not to hurt a family who has been so good to me over the years. I do not expect to have the same type of relationship with them in the future as I did in the past but I do feel it is important that they know they mean a lot to me. Any suggestions would be great…
CaliGuy Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Have you been to marriagebuilders? I would highly suggest you go there. Also, read "Love Must Be Tough" as it's especially geared towards bringing marriages back together. At this point, my suggestion to you is to back off as far as you can. Do reply to her emails but keep them short and sweet. Distance yourself from her. Give her room to roam and be free, because at this point, it's all you can really do. Don't initiate contact with her, just keep it short and sweet. Do NOT be her "buddy or friend." She needs to know what she's giving up and can not do so if you're always there for her. Do you have Children together? That would make things more difficult.
Author lovelorcet Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 No we do not have any kids (thank god!) and thanks for the advice. I pretty much knew that is what I have to do but I guess I just needed someone else to kick me in the butt and tell me it is the right thing. As far as marriage builders goes I have been there but most of the stuff there requires the other person to work with you and at the moment I can’t really do much alone… Oh well just got done pumping some iron and running for a while at the gym. Seems to help a lot, never would have though it would make such a difference in how I feel.
CaliGuy Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 No we do not have any kids (thank god!) and thanks for the advice. I pretty much knew that is what I have to do but I guess I just needed someone else to kick me in the butt and tell me it is the right thing. As far as marriage builders goes I have been there but most of the stuff there requires the other person to work with you and at the moment I can’t really do much alone… Oh well just got done pumping some iron and running for a while at the gym. Seems to help a lot, never would have though it would make such a difference in how I feel. In order for a marriage to work, both people have to be willing to put in 100% effort. As long as she in infatuated with someone else she won't be willing to put in much, if any effort into repairing your marriage. In this case, she has to hit rock bottom, realize what she has lost and then dedicate herself to winning you back. In the meantime I suggest you read "Love Must Be Tough" and work on areas you can improve upon. If you must talk to her, keep it upbeat, short and sweet. Don't let her see you sweat. Life is good for you, even if you don't feel it is. She won't come back to you if you are down in the dumps or feeling sorry for yourself. That's not appealing to her or anyone else in the future should she not come back. My thread on "second chances" gives you a lot of areas to focus on to get your mind of winning her back. That shouldn't be your primary goal right now. It should be getting yourself in shape and your needs met. If you don't, you won't be able to meet her needs and thus any second chance would fail. It's not easy and takes discipline but if you are willing to get yourself in top metal shape, winning her back will be much easier than had you not. Read the book I suggested. Visit marriagebuilders.com. Give her some time to miss you. Keep contact at a minimum. Don't make demands. Don't whine, cry or beg. Do come across that you're doing fine and life is great (without coming out and gloating about it).
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