your girl's weight

[catgirl1927]

I wish you the best. "Be healthy and love yourself" is a lot easier than the standards I've set for myself, that's for sure. I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I feel about themselves. Congratulations on your happiness.

[Walk]

It's all about finding middle ground. I suspect you still like to look good, you just don't let it rule your life?

 

I definitely like to look good. And I love running and sports. But I do it because I love to feel strong and quick and capable. Not for someone else to think I'm good looking. I do it for me.

 

But I think Catgirl is obsessing about it to an unhealthy degree. I used to, and sometimes I slip and I fall back into old mental patterns. Takes a lot of force of will to get out of it. Huge amounts of concious effort. And I don't think Catgirl is ready to make that level of commitment to being happy with herself. I think she's comfortable with the mindset she's living with because it's all she's known. I also think it doesn't help that her partner is obsessed with outward appearances, and she is beginning to adopt his outlook as her own. Or she already had it, and its part of what drew her to this guy.

 

One of the things that made me see how destructive my mindset was, was a comment an older woman made to me several years ago. Her husband had divorced her. She said she always made comments about her appearance, always teling her husband how this or that wasn't good enough. She was too fat, too wrinkly, to saggy... She told him this until he believed it too. Until he saw her the way she saw herself.

 

She went on to say that she believes now that we shape how others view us. If we consistently speak of negatives, then others will only see those. But if we speak positively, then others will see the positives.

[grateful]

"Be healthy and love yourself" is a lot easier than the standards I've set for myself, that's for sure. I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I feel about themselves.

 

 

So take the energy you use toward obsessing about your body and instead focus on changing your standards. Stop feeling about yourself what you would never wish on someone else. Consider talk therapy, rather than tackle it alone, if your response is "that's easy for someone else to say."

[Walk]

I wish you the best. "Be healthy and love yourself" is a lot easier than the standards I've set for myself, that's for sure. I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I feel about themselves. Congratulations on your happiness.

The problem in your train of thought is that you will never meet the standards you've set for yourself. Your perception of your own body is skewed. You're not screwed up or wrong, but the way you see yourself is like looking in those clown mirrors at the fair. It's not an accurate view. Somewhere between your eyes and your brain the image is becoming skewed. So no matter how thin you become, or how attractive you make yourself, it will never be to the level you have set. Never. And it's because you don't see the real image. Some how you had a filter placed between truth and what you see. And it makes you see someone less then beautiful, and less then what you are. But that's not an accurate image.

 

I know, because I do it. You don't just magically love yourself one day. No matter how thin you are you'll always need to be thinner, taller, less saggy, better skin, better hair, bigger breasts, etc.... The solution isn't in accepting less, it's in getting rid of that damn lying filter in your head.

[catgirl1927]

The solution isn't in accepting less, it's in getting rid of that damn lying filter in your head.

 

Look, first of all, I'm not criticizing you guys or saying that you're wrong for being happy with yourselves. That's absurd, I would NEVER say that.

 

Second, please don't say mean things about my boyfriend. I was like this before him. My parents did this to me, don't blame him.

 

Finally, I feel that changing the filter is basically lowering my standards. I think someone even said that, for me to lower my standards of what I think is beautiful. How can I do that? How can I change what I think is beautiful?

 

It's very hard to have been a beautiful woman and have to give it up. And in fighting giving it up, I'm told that I'm unhealthy because I don't want to be pretty any more. You guys are judging me, I think because you think I'm judging you. Not everyone thinks the way I do. If you're happy, be happy.

[grateful]

I wish you the best. "Be healthy and love yourself" is a lot easier than the standards I've set for myself, that's for sure. I would never want anyone to ever feel the way I feel about themselves. Congratulations on your happiness.

 

 

Woops I forgot to add on the last post

 

Catgirl - I also wish you the best and all the happiness in the world. You have it available in your heart and your mind, not just measured out by your bathroom scale. Please believe Walk. Her last post is so inciteful.

[catgirl1927]

It's very hard to have been a beautiful woman and have to give it up. And in fighting giving it up, I'm told that I'm unhealthy because I don't want to be pretty any more. You guys are judging me, I think because you think I'm judging you. Not everyone thinks the way I do. If you're happy, be happy.

 

Oops, typo. I meant this:

 

And in fighting giving it up, I'm told that I'm unhealthy because I don't want to give up being pretty and just accept that I'm not any more.

[littlekitty]

Walk is right. I think CG is being overly hard on herself and has an issue with this.

 

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).

 

BDD is a distressing body image condition that involves excessive preoccupation with physical appearance in a 'normal' appearing person. This condition is often associated with intrusive thoughts of body dissatisfaction, avoidance of exposure to body images situations, such as mirrors in public places, and excessive body checking and comparisons with others. Thus, in its extreme form it can be quite debilitating and cause a great deal of anxiety and dis-satisfaction.

 

I think you should consider seeking some help maybe to learn to love your body? You seem more obsessive about this than is healthy for you to be? you almost seem to hate your body at times, yet in other posts you sound quite happy with it? That is the part that confuses me.

[catgirl1927]

I think you should consider seeking some help maybe to learn to love your body? You seem more obsessive about this than is healthy for you to be? you almost seem to hate your body at times, yet in other posts you sound quite happy with it? That is the part that confuses me.

 

I think it's sweet that you guys are concerned. But this just doesn't make sense to me. "Learn to love my body"? I loved it when it was perfect. I don't love it now. I'm not going to. What you're really talking about is accepting that it's over for me, that I am no longer attractive. I might very well be happier if I did that. If I could just give up, be ok with it, not care if no one found me attractive any more, focus on how much my cats love me, yeah that would be great. And a good deal less work. But feeling sick every time I look in the mirror is HORRIBLE. You can't even imagine. I'm just not ready to be old and used up.

 

The thing is, I know what I need to do. I don't take diet pills, I work out constantly, I just need to stop eating so much. It's not the desperate health risk you think it is. I don't have the discipline for anorexia.

 

I'm not sure where I sounded happy with my body. I am not. At all. It's what drives me to be better.

[kitten chick]

I can't even believe some of the things that I'm reading here. This entire thread is so judgemental.

 

First of all, catgirl you do not have BDD. For someone to even suggest that is absolutely absurd and shows that they clearly do not understand what BDD is. BDD often focuses on a particluar part of the body be it your nose, hair, legs, etc.. The person spends hours upon hours trying to hide or fix the part that they are fixated on and keeps them from leaving the house. This is NOT your average distorted body image issue, this is a severe form which is highly linked to OCD. Please do not take diagnoses from strangers on the internet. A couple of posts on a forum does not make you obsessive about your weight. You may or may not be obsessive about your weight but nobody here can tell you that based on a few posts. There is an obvious lack of understanding around the psychological processes relating to the topic.

 

It is possible to accept your body as it is and still strive to be your best. You can still put on a positive filter and continue to better yourself but it's not that easy to do and sheer will is not going to get you there if your negative filter is that deeply engrained.

[catgirl1927]

I can't even believe some of the things that I'm reading here. This entire thread is so judgemental.

 

First of all, catgirl you do not have BDD. For someone to even suggest that is absolutely absurd and shows that they clearly do not understand what BDD is. BDD often focuses on a particluar part of the body be it your nose, hair, legs, etc.. The person spends hours upon hours trying to hide or fix the part that they are fixated on and keeps them from leaving the house. This is NOT your average distorted body image issue, this is a severe form which is highly linked to OCD. Please do not take diagnoses from strangers on the internet. A couple of posts on a forum does not make you obsessive about your weight. You may or may not be obsessive about your weight but nobody here can tell you that based on a few posts. There is an obvious lack of understanding around the psychological processes relating to the topic.

 

It is possible to accept your body as it is and still strive to be your best. You can still put on a positive filter and continue to better yourself but it's not that easy to do and sheer will is not going to get you there if your negative filter is that deeply engrained.

 

Thank you! I was starting to feel a little defensive. It was like, if I didn't agree with them I'm a crazy person!

[littlekitty]

I can't even believe some of the things that I'm reading here. This entire thread is so judgemental.

 

First of all, catgirl you do not have BDD. For someone to even suggest that is absolutely absurd and shows that they clearly do not understand what BDD is. BDD often focuses on a particluar part of the body be it your nose, hair, legs, etc.. The person spends hours upon hours trying to hide or fix the part that they are fixated on and keeps them from leaving the house. This is NOT your average distorted body image issue, this is a severe form which is highly linked to OCD. Please do not take diagnoses from strangers on the internet. A couple of posts on a forum does not make you obsessive about your weight. You may or may not be obsessive about your weight but nobody here can tell you that based on a few posts. There is an obvious lack of understanding around the psychological processes relating to the topic.

 

It is possible to accept your body as it is and still strive to be your best. You can still put on a positive filter and continue to better yourself but it's not that easy to do and sheer will is not going to get you there if your negative filter is that deeply engrained.

 

I'm not providing any diagnoses what so frickin' ever here...! I'm making a suggestion. I never said I was in place to diagnose. And I'm not being judgmental, I've had a nice chat with CG on here, but I am concerned at the level of obsession she has over her body image.

 

And BDD to my knowledge can be experienced at many levels not necessarily the level you are talking about. But hey.... since you’re clearly a psychologist, I'll go with your answer huh?

[catgirl1927]

And I'm not being judgmental, I've had a nice chat with CG on here, but I am concerned at the level of obsession she has over her body image.

 

I'm glad this is how you feel. I'm really not a bad person. I do worry a lot about how I look, I'm very very hard on myself. But it's not as bad as you say, and even if it is, I don't project it onto other people. At least I hope I don't.

[littlekitty]

Thank you! I was starting to feel a little defensive. It was like, if I didn't agree with them I'm a crazy person!

 

Sorry CG, I certainly didn't mean to put you on the defensive.

 

I loved it when it was perfect. I don't love it now. I'm not going to. What you're really talking about is accepting that it's over for me, that I am no longer attractive. I might very well be happier if I did that. If I could just give up, be ok with it, not care if no one found me attractive any more, focus on how much my cats love me, yeah that would be great. And a good deal less work. But feeling sick every time I look in the mirror is HORRIBLE. You can't even imagine. I'm just not ready to be old and used up.

 

To feel sick everytime you look in the mirror isn't healthy or right and does IMO show a problem with the way you view your body.

 

We all age, we all change, but we learn to accept it and continue to love (or at least like!) our changing bodies. Yes, you will never look like you did at 18 again... but who the hell will?!!

 

I'm pretty sure people still find you attractive now. It's sad that you have such a low opinion of your looks.

 

It's easy to want to look the way you did at your best, I know what that's like. I can look better if I try a bit harder, eat a little less too, look like I did that year when I looked my best. But WTH, I'm enjoying my life and I can live with the extra couple of pounds for that reason. And when you're unhappy, you can over egg how great you really felt at that time when you thought you were perfect...!

[littlekitty]

I'm glad this is how you feel. I'm really not a bad person. I do worry a lot about how I look, I'm very very hard on myself. But it's not as bad as you say, and even if it is, I don't project it onto other people. At least I hope I don't.

 

I certainly wasn't meaning to make you feel worse CG. A lot of your posts are linked to self image and women's image. Which is why I picked up on it. Perhaps KC hasn't noticed the trend I did.

 

It's no doubt true that it's easier for you to vent here about how you feel sometimes, than to project it on to other people as you say!!

 

We all have our moments...!! Uggghhh I sometimes hate my body too!!

 

As long as it doesn't rule your life that's the main thing. But I truely do hope you can learn to love (or at least like) your body again, because I wouldn't want to feel the way you do.

[blind_otter]

well you know what the gypsies say.

 

perfection is death.

 

and muslim architects always build their buildings a little off, out of deference to God - because only God is perfect.

[kitten chick]

I can't even read this anymore. Catgirl, do yourself a favor and stop posting on this thread. It's not going to help you to have people tell you how sad of a person you are or that you're crazy or obsessed. If you feel defensive and as if you are crazy because of these posts then stop reading them. Everyone's got their issues, this happens to be one of yours. Of course you should keep working on it if it bothers you but don't let anyone pity you or make you feel worse about yourself. I don't think you're a sad person, not that my opinion should matter, you just have an issue you're trying to figure out how best to deal with. And remember, self-diagnosis is very dangerous.

[Walk]

I'm glad this is how you feel. I'm really not a bad person. I do worry a lot about how I look, I'm very very hard on myself. But it's not as bad as you say, and even if it is, I don't project it onto other people. At least I hope I don't.

I wasn't trying to be judgemental... far from it.. I know I've been where you are, and it's not a happy place. In fact, it sucks. Horribly. And I never want to be there again. Ever.

 

I din't "settle for less" in order to feel I'm beautiful or attractive. My standards didn't lower. I just realized I was judging myself much harsher then I judged anyone else. And that the way I saw/see myself is not how I really am. I see myself as about 30lbs heavier then I really look. I'm not, but someone how that's how I see myself. I was just attempting to point out that many women have a distorted vision of how they look that doesn't compare with reality. You don't have to accept being fat and unattractive. I don't think anyone really accepts that. But to ruin your happiness over 10lbs seems a little extreme to me.

 

I think what I'm questioning is your reasoning for wanting to be beautiful/attractive. If you do so for your own enjoyment, and have found happiness in seeking that goal, then that's okay. But if you're upset, unhappy, and even partly doing it in order to make others want you, or to keep others interested, then it's the wrong reasons. It will never make you happy.

[Walk]

I can't even read this anymore. Catgirl, do yourself a favor and stop posting on this thread. It's not going to help you to have people tell you how sad of a person you are or that you're crazy or obsessed. If you feel defensive and as if you are crazy because of these posts then stop reading them. Everyone's got their issues, this happens to be one of yours. Of course you should keep working on it if it bothers you but don't let anyone pity you or make you feel worse about yourself. I don't think you're a sad person, not that my opinion should matter, you just have an issue you're trying to figure out how best to deal with. And remember, self-diagnosis is very dangerous.

 

I think if Catgirl could give a better idea of why and her reasonings for the seemingly (at least here) obsession with weight and appearance, then the "advice/suggestions" would not be so critical. But so far it seems as if the only reason has been so guys won't reject her. And her happiness will only be a result of the reaction of other people, not finding happiness in herself.

 

If there is a reason beyond this, then I haven't gotten it out of her previous posts. It seemed as if she was seeking some sort of answer, or compassion for her feelings toward her body. Sometimes the best answer is the truth, and if she doesn't like the truth as presented here, then so be it. But for those of us who are happy with our bodies (thick and thin alike) then perhaps we have a small grain of wisdom that Catgirl could use to feel better about her body. And perhaps be a little happier with her life.

 

But to tell her to ignore the postings if they make her uncomfortable is like saying to ignore the skin tumor because it'll go away. If she doesn't have a problem with it, then she wouldn't be saying she hates her body, and how horrible it is to live like that. It is a tumor that is eating at her. Ignore it, or face it. Up to her.

[catgirl1927]

My main reason is for my own self confidence. I want to be beautiful and I have a very specific idea about what that means. I want the confidence to feel good about myself so I project confidence. I feel so much more powerful when I look good. When I'm fat and pale I feel weak and worthless.

[blind_otter]

I can't even read this anymore. Catgirl, do yourself a favor and stop posting on this thread. It's not going to help you to have people tell you how sad of a person you are or that you're crazy or obsessed. If you feel defensive and as if you are crazy because of these posts then stop reading them. Everyone's got their issues, this happens to be one of yours. Of course you should keep working on it if it bothers you but don't let anyone pity you or make you feel worse about yourself. I don't think you're a sad person, not that my opinion should matter, you just have an issue you're trying to figure out how best to deal with. And remember, self-diagnosis is very dangerous.

 

Who called her sad? I didn't. I was talking about women in general. Maybe you're reading too much into this.

[a4a]

wondering since CGs bf/ f is in the body business if this has something to do with it?

[grateful]

I said it was sad when Noos wrote "If Catgirl wants to get married and have kids, she better be pretty and thin because no man crosses the room to admire a woman's personality or brain."

 

I still think this statement is incredibly sad. Catgirl responded that it is the truth.

 

It makes me sad when women believe their greatest value rests in their looks.

 

To feel unworthy when we aren't at our optimal weight and dress size means that we don't value who and what we are over what we look like.

 

It means we want a man in our lives who cares more about what we look like than what we have to offer (intellect, charm, compassion, etc).

[grateful]

When I'm fat and pale I feel weak and worthless.

 

 

kitten chick - - I believe it is comments like this that make posters in this thread concerned for catgirl.

[MadDog]

I said it was sad when Noos wrote "If Catgirl wants to get married and have kids, she better be pretty and thin because no man crosses the room to admire a woman's personality or brain."

 

I still think this statement is incredibly sad. Catgirl responded that it is the truth.

 

It makes me sad when women believe their greatest value rests in their looks.

 

It means we want a man in our lives who cares more about what we look like than what we have to offer (intellect, charm, compassion, etc).

 

Let's be realistic though. Most men are initially drawn to a woman's looks. Lots of women are initially drawn to a combination of a man's looks & social status (career/income.) This doesn't mean these traits are the most important overall--they're just more important in the beginning.

 

I'd say I'm a pretty typical guy in some regards & I'll be the first to admit that if I go to a party or club, I'm looking for all the hotties to talk to. It doesn't mean all I care about is a woman's looks but if I have to choose relatively quickly who I want to talk to, what else am I going to base it on?

 

Once I do start talking to a girl, I assess the type of personality she has (intelligence, sense of humor, etc.) So in the end, she's not going to get very far with me anyway unless she's a complete package. Do I want a girl who's smart, charming, & funny? Hell yeah, but I want to be physically attracted to her too.

 

An analogy would be like a car. Looks would be like the doors & personality the engine. Would you get a car that has a powerful engine but no doors? Or one with cool doors but no engine? Well, you kind of need both.