Hoping to gain some insight...

[Dinnj1]

I'd hate to consider myself an OM, but I guess that's what I may have turned out to be. I've posted my situation in the forum before but never had luck with responses... not sure why... but I'll try again hoping to gain some insight as to what someone 'special' to me maybe thinking.

My LD 8 year 'friend' turned into something more last year when she was going through a separation. She envited me to spend some time with her and her son... during this time.. words/feelings and intimacy surfaced, but no sex...my choice. Soon after I left, I was cut off, she went back to her husband. Neither of us talked for almost a year. A couple months back, we started 'talking' again... turns out she was again having problems and was starting the divorce process. We talked everyday, as friends. Then she became distant... telling me she needs to be distant so she can make her own choices without any influences or distractions. (others here have tried to explain why I may be a distraction... understood) Anyway, she didn't respond to me at all during the whole month of march... but called me one night last week and we spoke for two hours. She mentioned everything she's been doing with herself including the fact that divorce was just about 'over'. This was news to me... she also mentioned that my name was brought up in court which totally humiliated her... pushing her to ask for NOTHING $$$ as far as settlement, except for the papers to be signed. Seems as though, 'his' lawyer stated she had an affair with me while separated from her husband. I felt horrible hearing this. The phone conversation was civil... some joking around... some laughs... some seriousness. At the end, I apologized for not being the greatest 'friend' as well as being selfish for her attention and wanting more of it during her 'distance'. She in turn apologized for not being her normal self and finished up her apology with ..."Don't worry, it'll all be over soon... two weeks..." then there was an awkward silence.. we both said.. g'night very quickly. I haven't called her, nor has she tried to contact me. Personally, I hate the title of being an OM... meaning I have always tried to keep it platonic with her during her 'marriage trouble' phases. In fact, I have always tried to avoid her completely and respect her relationship while she was 'focusing' on her marriage... but have never turned my back to her when she was out of the house and having problems... I guess you could say... I was her shoulder to cry on over the phone for last 2 years of her marriage.

 

The insight I'm looking for... what did "Don't worry, it'll all be over soon... two weeks" mean? In her eyes...

[Sami_D]

'It' ... presumably the divorce?

 

But to be honest, you need to ask her. So many affairs go on and on and on with the OM/W feeling like poo basically because they're too shy/scared/don't want to step out of line to actually ask a simple question, like:

 

When you said that, what do you mean?

 

I mean... what's so hard about asking what she meant?

[officespace]

[The insight I'm looking for... what did "Don't worry, it'll all be over soon... two weeks" mean? In her eyes...

 

If you are afraid to ask......that should tell you something. You maybe don't want to know the answer? I know I did that alot.

[Blind Illusion]

I'm bad at asking direct questions, even though it would probably be a better approach. I'd probably invite her out somewhere, (you know, telling her she needs to go out after this ordeal) and then see how she was to me and take it from there.

[Dinnj1]

appreciate the responses, but unfortunately, I'm still confused... lemme' explain.

 

I happen to be a 'question' person... if and when I'm not sure of something, I would ALWAYS go right to the source.... HER being the source. But lately, I feel that any 'questions' or 'fishing for feelings' I impose on her, only pushes her away more... so I have to tread lightly now. I feel as though she's got enough going on mentally and emotionally, so I don't want to add to the drama. In the past during her 'breaks' or even way back before she even met this guy she's now divorcing... she would always answer honestly... usually with her 'feelings' directed towards me. Of course, there was nothing she could do about it, cause of the relationship she was already envolved in. Even though we just had a phone/email 'friendship', the guilt would always get the best of her. Evenutally cutting me off to focus on her relationship. Although I wouldn't like her decision, I would always respect it and go about my way... knowing eventually... "HE" would f' up soon enough. She has always been someone very special to me and the last thing I want for her to do is RUN to me after the divorce. IMO, she needs plenty of space and healing time, NOR do I want to be her rebound or ego boost. But at the same time, I don't want her to push me out of her life cause of my own selfish actions. (wanting more attention) this being where I don't want to 'ask' to many questions. Was hoping someone else could make some sense out of her ..."Over soon enough" statement.

 

Blind - She lives 600 miles away... So, a glass of wine and a steak dinner is out of the question. As much as I would like that. She also knows very well, she's more then welcomed to come visit me when ever she wants. She's got an open invitation. But I'm past the point of enviting myself to visit her again.

 

SAMI & Office - The only reason I'm afraid to question her, is because of my answers above. Lately, any questions or ol' feelings I bring up... scare her off. I think if I ask her anything even remotely close to 'feelings' or questions... she would feel as added 'pressure'. So I'm trying to avoid that. Considering the conversation... and how it ended... I took her statement and translated it to... "I have to be distant now.. for me, and make the right decision WITHOUT you envolved... don't worry, it'll all be over soon and we can be buddies again" Maybe??? or maybe her lawyer ask her to back off me a bit and she was afraid to tell me??? Or she herself felt better about pushing me away until it's over??? I dunno... this is why I was alittle confused. Anyway, I would love to call her and try to question her... but I've been the only one making the effort to keep the friendship (Cept for her call last week) I kinda promised myself that I wouldn't contact her again until after she's legally divorced. (made that mistake last year... ugh) besides, I'm tired of kissin' @ss!... )

[Sami_D]

Hmmm well, of course there's such a thing as tact, and not wanting to hurt someone's feelings.

 

However, if you're genuinely confused about the message she's giving out, I really don't see the harm. Preface it with, 'I appreciate this is a difficult time for you' or 'I appreciate you may not want to talk about this, but...', giving her a graceful way of deflecting conversation BUT

 

I still think that, if you're having a conversation with someone (and someone you care about and have a history and possible future with), and you are confused about what they mean, then the sensible thing to do is to say, I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that.

 

Don't think of it as questioning her. Think of it as letting her know you don't get whatever it is she's trying to communicate (assuming that she IS trying to communicate).

 

In my opinion, many many iffy situations, heartbreak, hurt and pain are caused by someone NOT confident enough to just say outright that they don't get what's being said. That's the essence of communication... tellling the other person you're not getting it. Also, being straight when you're unsure what's being said gives the other person (should they be a bit of a liar and deliberate misleader or user) less chance to wriggle out or claim they never meant to mislead you (hear that one too often).

 

Sorry about the incoherency of some of these sentences. lol.

[Dinnj1]

soooo, good idea to wait till AFTER her divorce date and check up on her??? OR wait for her to contact me first?

 

She said her work email is now monitored, so she can't respond/communicate as much... offered her other email which she uses all the time at her house... but I haven't written to that one either. Kinda want her to make an effort and put in her 50% of the friendship... like she use to in the past.

[CeeJayXX]

I was given this advice once and it worked in my particular situation.

 

"The one that shows the least interest has the most control."

 

If you feel like you are pushing her away, take a step back and see where it leads you.

[Dinnj1]

Understand the concept... just never heard it worded that way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right???

[Walking away]

Yes. I have found that loving self respect never fails to draw a drifting partner closer UNLESS the relationship is already in the coffin. If you "pull back" with dignity and grace, it rarely fails to draw the "trapped" partner closer IF the feelings are real. It is human nature. We tend to want what we cannot have. At least, this has proven true in my travels in life.

 

Try it....you may be pleasantly surprised.

 

Good luck.

[Sami_D]

Well, one thing I can offer is that people going through divorces usually have a really hard time of it. Her distance, unusal response, perhaps confused messages are probably all part of it.

 

She'll want to go slowly... wouldn't she..?

 

Just don't be afraid to ask her what she means about things... maybe she WANTS to talk about it but is afraid of broaching the subject. Maybe she just doesn't know how interested you are... after all, you did cry off from a full-blown affair with her before.

 

I don't know. I'm all for asking! When she says something you don't get ... just say... um... what?

 

Sorry if I'm being dense here or something lol.

[Dinnj1]

Maybe she just doesn't know how interested you are.

 

Sami - HAH! Oh she knows it... in fact, I think this became one of those situations where her head blew up from the fact that she DID know it.

Kinda like... (her being A) A is crazy about B, but B isn't so sure.... so A get's crazier about B... then when B finally gives in... A isn't so interested anymore. Ya know?

 

And what's this mean?

after all, you did cry off from a full-blown affair with her before.

 

*confused*

[CeeJayXX]

Understand the concept... just never heard it worded that way. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right???

 

Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder but think about it this way for a second: (I will use my situation as an example)....... I sat close to the phone and email for two days while MM was away...waiting and waiting for him to call......then I snapped and called him (but hated myself for doing it because I felt that I seemed like I couldnt breathe without having him tell me to. So later that day I was discussing this situation with a friend and he asked me why I "needed" to call him. I said because I hadnt talked to him in a couple of days and I was concerned and worried that he had dismissed our relationship.(I'm a worry wart and that was my childish side coming out when i called him). My friend said to me "He will continue not to call you because he doesnt have to. MM knows you will call him. Then friend told me "the advice" above." I stopped calling MM and waited patiently for him to contact me. He did and I continued to let him call me. I became in control of the relationship (for a short time) because he was starting to feel "needy" of my conversation.

 

I don't know if all my jiberish makes sense but in short form, the less push you give the more your relationship will move.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder but think about it this way for a second: (I will use my situation as an example)....... I sat close to the phone and email for two days while MM was away...waiting and waiting for him to call......then I snapped and called him (but hated myself for doing it because I felt that I seemed like I couldnt breathe without having him tell me to. So later that day I was discussing this situation with a friend and he asked me why I "needed" to call him. I said because I hadnt talked to him in a couple of days and I was concerned and worried that he had dismissed our relationship.(I'm a worry wart and that was my childish side coming out when i called him). My friend said to me "He will continue not to call you because he doesnt have to. MM knows you will call him. Then friend told me "the advice" above." I stopped calling MM and waited patiently for him to contact me. He did and I continued to let him call me. I became in control of the relationship (for a short time) because he was starting to feel "needy" of my conversation.

 

I don't know if all my jiberish makes sense but in short form, the less push you give the more your relationship will move.

 

Excellent example on taking control of your relationship. The more you *want* the other person, the less affection you will receive. For many people, the ability to pursue is vital in a relationship.

 

Dinj, if I were you, I'd keep my cool and won't contact her for the next 2 weeks. Try to let her contact you first.

 

You mentioned on an earlier post that your name was on the divorce settlement... that sounds strange to me. You guys didn't even have sex - so what evidence did her ex's lawyer use? I'd take that comment from her with a grain of salt, to be honest.

 

Good luck with the next 2 weeks!

[Dinnj1]

Know... actually it's not strange at all. Even though we didn't sleep together... we still messed around. And at the time, she had no intentions of getting back with him... (at least that's what she says... and yea, it's my own fault for being there in the first place) she was out of the house... talking to lawyers, but one thing lead to another... (without explaining, but for good reason) she took him back. (Long story)

 

Anyway, he has always been jealous of my friendship with her... since the day she met him, he hated me. (jealous type) but last year, sometime after my visit... her husband found a picture of her son and myself together. He flipped... so she came clean in letting him know that I came to visit her and her son. Supposively he forgave her since they were suppose to be separated anyway, but when their problems began again, he would bring me up as 'ammo' against her. Then, according to her, my name came up again in court. She's never really been 'known' as a liar or has ever gotten caught in lies with me. In fact, she never really had to lie at all. So I do believe he and his lawyers brought up my name just to 'beat' her down emotionally in an effort to make HER look like the bad person who doesn't deserve anything from the divorce.

 

Two weeks huh???? no problemo'

[Sami_D]

Sami - HAH! Oh she knows it... in fact, I think this became one of those situations where her head blew up from the fact that she DID know it.

Kinda like... (her being A) A is crazy about B, but B isn't so sure.... so A get's crazier about B... then when B finally gives in... A isn't so interested anymore. Ya know?

 

And what's this mean?

 

 

*confused*

 

What I meant was that you said in your first post that you didn't have sex with her while she was married. You called it 'your choice'. So presumably she wanted to have sex with you and you refused. That's how I read it. So... what I mean is, that she's possibly wondering how much you want her, given that you were able to say no to sex. (obviously I'm trying to interpret things on very little evidence!).

 

For the first part of your response... hmm. I don't much like people who chase you until you give in, and then all of a sudden aren't interested. Too many games. Too much hard work. (again, apologies if I've misread).

 

Isn't there anyone else you're interested in..?

[Dinnj1]

Sami - well, I didn't actually refuse... it was a weird situation for both of us. She wanted to, but was nervous...(still married) and I wanted to but.... BUT she was still married... and I didn't want to be the OM... or add to her confusion OR make her feel any kind of guilt. Strange, I know. But I told her if she didnt feel right then we didn't have to. So nothing happened. So I really didn't refuse her. ya know?

 

I don't like the games either... too much drama already, don't need to add to it.

 

and NO, I'm not interested in anyone else. Not even THAT interested in her on a romantic level. She's off limits at the moment, nor do I wanna be her rebound. But I would like the friendship again.... the way it use to be. Guess I was hoping to get some insight from others if it's at all possible she was being distant for the last couple months because of the 'divorce' process. Seems like most 'others' are secretly dating their MM or MW with no divorce in sight. And here my 'friend' talked to me for the last 2 years of her marriage, then STOPS talking to me during her divorce.... doesn't make sense.

 

Ps... today is D-day for her. And I haven't talked to her for two weeks. Should I call her later on today? Tomorrow? or let her be the one to call me?

[Sami_D]

Ack! I have no idea.

 

Seems to me that you're allowing protocol (or whatever) to dictate what you do.. and wondering too much if you're doing the right thing... when really (IMHO) people just need support and contact at very odd times sometimes.

 

I just don't know... I don't know whether she's just using you as a fallback person who likes her when she's feeling down... or she really likes you... or she's just a horrible user kind of person.

 

I mean... I think that the only person who can really know this is you... and you have to go on what she says and does and how she reacts to you...

 

My GUT reaction to her from what you've said (or my reaction to what you've said) is... she's just a bloody nightmare who wants to use you.

 

But I might be TOTALLY off there. She might be a shy girl who is reticent to talk about where she is emotionally.

 

I wish some other people would respond to you. Since she's about to be no longer married... couldn't you post this in Dating or something, and get a broader view?

 

Good luck, whatever.

[Dinnj1]

she's just a bloody nightmare who wants to use you

 

that's what I was starting to think...

 

thanks for your replies Sami...