Guest Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 I just have a question for the OW. I'm not trying to come off as rude but I'm just really trying to understand why you get involved with married men? Do you not feel bad for their wives?? And also, why get upset when they decide to leave you alone and go back to their wife? You knew he was married and regardless of what he did to try to pursue you, it was your choice to fall into the affair. what gives? Again, not trying to upset anyone here but input is greatly appreciated.
kpin124 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 there are many reasons why...... read ceejayxx post what about the good things and you might see some of the reason's..... and also wanted to say i don't feel that it is only the womans choice to fall into an affair i believe that it is equal between ow and mm ..........it is just hard to understand if you have never been the ow..... most ow don't ever think that they will become the ow it just isn't something we set out to do its not like we sit at home trying to figure out how to become the ow and have are emotions drug thru the mud.........
erika2610 Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I smell BS.. but I'll bite anyway. I didn't go looking for my MM.. he pursued me for about a year. But once we started, I just couldn't let go. He was the first man in my life to make me feel 'special'. He made me feel wanted.. like I mattered. I was happier than I had been in a long time. The deeper I got into the affair, the harder it was.. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet. As I said, he made me feel like I mattered, made me feel wanted, and I loved that. I didn't really feel too abd for his wife, only because, at the time I was naive about it all. I really believed his Wife was nasty. It wasn't until everything was done, and I met her, that I saw that she wasn't what he made her out to be. THEN I felt bad.
lovernotafighter Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 my MM and I fullfill a need in each others lives we were missing for many years..it wasn't something we set out to do..but we found each other and everything grew so intense between us it is to the point we would deeply be hurting if we lost each other. it was a choice and no accident at all on parts..maybe our friendship was hap-hazard..but know it all started with serious attraction and we didn't get drunk one night and have sex..it was planned and talked about about for over a month before we did it. i encourage my MM to start NC with me and work on his relationship with his wife..I will not be angry with him if he decides to do that..he insists he doesn't plan on it. do I feel bad for his wife..yes of coarse..but like erica stated I believed most of the bull my MM feed me till it was over my head..he has made her out to be the devil her self..but I am certian now that isn't the case.
Citizen Erased Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Im not on OW but I have noticed that quite alot of the OW on here in fact did not know their MM was actually married. The attraction is there, and eventually when they do find out, they have fallen for the MM and are in too deep. This is of course not always the case, but there is also alot of OW on here who say that their MM complain about how horrible their wives are when, as erika said, they turn out to be the opposite (I mean, otherwise the MM would leave them if they were THAT miserable with someone and so happy with their OW). Noone get annoyed at me, it is just what I have seen from the majority of the OW on LS, didnt mean disrespect, sorry if I was wrong
Sami_D Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I'll bite, too. Why did you get involved with a MM? Thinking about this, I don't know that there was a point at which I thought, hmmm... I'll get involved, or won't get involved. Should I or shouldn't I 'get involved'? At what point does one know one is 'involved' with another person? My affair started off online. Lots of people would say, well that's not an affair! Talking online? Phonecalls? So what?! Thinking about it myself I think... well, which of our conversations was the one in which I was suddenly 'involved' with him? At what point should I have turned back from getting to know him? Most of what we did was talk about stuff... sharing thoughts on just about anything and everything. Just getting to know each other, enjoying each other's 'company'. By the time we even saw each other for the first time (a year later), we were involved right up to our necks. Do you not feel bad for his wife? I've been involved with MM for 2 years now. My feelings about his W have been different in different stages of the affair. Most of the time I just don't think about her. She's not someone who is in my life. I never have to deal with her or see her. He doesn't talk about her, much less demonise her. All I know about their marriage is that it's on paper only. He says 'the only things we share are the children'. When I think about how his R has gone wrong, I KNOW it's at least 50% his fault. He's a classic conflict-avoider. He hasn't worked on his M. He's let it slip through his fingers. He's spent too much time working away, and they've drifted apart. He says he got tired of asking for sex and affection from her. That all she wants to talk about is the children. He got tired of asking... and drifted online. Neither of us sees her as 'the baddie'. At this present moment I feel sick when I think about her. Because if he goes through with his intentions he's going to tell her he wants a separation and divorce. I feel sick that she's going to face that (if she is). But the thing is, I just don't know how she'll feel... maybe she'll be just as pleased to see him leave as he will be to be free of her. How can I know? He doesn't know. One thing I said to him yesterday was please not to tell her about me. Because it would shake her faith in people to know he's been doing all this behind her back for 2 years. But as much as I don't want to see her hurt, I want him to be happy. And he's my concern. Not her. I'll let him deal with her hurt. It's his wife, and his marriage. Not mine. Would you be upset if he decided to go back to his wife, given that you knew he was married? Of course I'd be upset. I'd be sad for him, too. I know what you mean about 'well you knew he was married!' how can you be surprised if he goes back to her! But, as a BS (I'm supposing), you can't know what MM tells the OW about his R with his wife. Even if it's not in so many words... you can tell a man who has no attachment to his W any longer. It's betrayed by everthing he says or does about his home life. I'm speaking for myself, of course... I know that lots of OW get told details about the M. But anyone with half a brain knows that that's only half the story... even if it's true, and plenty of OW get fed a lot of bull. But whether you're being fed the words, or just seeing a man who is tired of his home life, you're buying into the possibility that he'll leave. I could turn the question around and ask, wonderingly, why so many BSs assume that the MM will want to stay with them when they've found someone who they have fun and laughter and love with outside the marriage. And the answer is the same... Men who have affairs are pretty much 'the same' in many respects... they don't like conflict... they would much rather not make a decision... they'd rather compromise themselves and everyone around them in order to live an almost-comfortable life, however many people are unhappy because of it. So when the sh** hits the fan and W finds out... they'll stay exactly where they were. And it's not because it's great at home, or they realise the error of their ways... it's because it's the easiest thing to do.
CeeJayXX Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I just have a question for the OW. I'm not trying to come off as rude but I'm just really trying to understand why you get involved with married men? Do you not feel bad for their wives?? And also, why get upset when they decide to leave you alone and go back to their wife? You knew he was married and regardless of what he did to try to pursue you, it was your choice to fall into the affair. what gives? Again, not trying to upset anyone here but input is greatly appreciated. You are very right, Guest. I am an OW (and have been for 3 years). I chose to be a part of this situation and helped out in carrying it on for a long time. Sure we think about the W but our own feelings take over about ourselves. There is a lot of selfishness in an A.....meaning that an OW is caught up in the sensitive emotional and physical engagement with a MM.....Ow's want their own happiness to be fulfilled (as I think everyone does or atleast wishes for in life). When happiness, in some degree, is found it's held on to for dear life like a child with their favorite doll.
Blind Illusion Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 ? You knew he was married and regardless of what he did to try to pursue you, it was your choice to fall into the affair. what gives? . Just suppose that, like you imply, I made a different choice and "didn't fall into the affair", regardless of 'what he did to try and pursue" me. I, personally, wouldn't be here at this forum. Can you say the same? The real question is to the husband, who also knew that he was married, who shouldn't have been pursuing anyone and made the choice to fall into an affair. He should be asked "what gives", what was wrong that made him make this choice.
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