kim_in_ky Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Where to start. Well I have been at my current job for 5 1/2 yrs. During this time, I have had a baby, been thru the loss of a brother, and a cheating husband. My co-workers all have been there for me. Especially one in particular. He's offered his shoulder to lean on, his ear for listening, and just being a friend. But since the affair of my husband, the co-worker has pursued a more close relationship with me. This has been going on for the last 3 yrs. Last week I gave in to him, he kissed me, and well I kissed him back. I thought really that if I did, it would be the worst kiss he ever got and he'd stop pursing me. Boy was I wrong, on both our parts. He told me that he had never kissed anyone that put a spark in him like I did. And to be honest, his kiss melted me. Now I can't get enough. When I am away from him, reality hits in. I am married and so is he. I think of his wife (she works at the same place, just a different shift) and I think of my husband. But when I am with him, I could care less of what everyone else thinks. There is also an age issue. He is 16 yrs older than me. I think about that, but then again does age matter. I've never felt this way about a man before, not even my husband when we first got together, and I don't know what to do. Any comment that you have would be greatly appreicated.
JayKay Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 I think you felt hurt and lonely after your husband's affair and this makes you willing to settle for a married man's attentions. I know it seems exciting now, but is this really what you want out of life? If you two are really 'meant' to be, you can step back, maintain a friendship while you both prepare to leave your spouses. Otherwise, you are just cheating and he is just cheating and it's just a cheese-y affair.
Blind Illusion Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Before I even read your post, I thought,"Magical First Kiss" and thought of my own & smiled at the memory. I just hope it doesn't get sticky, all of you working for the same company. That would make me a bit nervous.
Walking away Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Oh yes, that first kiss.... How could I forget?
Sami_D Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 My comment is this: This is one of the commonest stories on these boards. Workplace scenario. Older man pursues younger woman for years. She gives in and thinks it's the start of something... Yeah, it is. It's the start of HELL, BABY. If you get out of it with your dignity and job you'll be one of the lucky ones (when it ends, messily, will you still want to work with him?) (when she finds out and he throws you under a bus pretending it was YOU who pursued him, will you be able to look in the mirror?) All that for a lovely kiss..? Doesn't seem like much of a bargain to me.
curly Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Trust me... that's how they all start. My relationship with my xMM started with the most incredible kiss. We had feelings that continued to build for each other for months. I did not know he was married though. He told me he was seperated. So after the kiss, he told me that I probably shouldn't be with him. I took him at his word. I wasn't. But we began a friendship that I began to enjoy more and more. While I thought I was getting to know a man, he knew he was married and was flirting with danger. Oh & by the way, he's 15 yrs. older than me. So, I ended up getting a new job about 3 months later and decided that maybe I should go for it with this guy. That's after he found out about me leaving the company and told me he wanted to pursue something with me. One thing led to another and here I am, 2 years later.... With so much emotional trauma to survive. He left her a dozen times, moved in with me 3 times, moved to other people's homes, etc., only to go back. With the exception of this time. This time he is at his friend's house and hasn't gone back. I have no way of knowing if that's because she won't let him or he doesn't want to. Either way, he's not with me. And I'm the one that has to pick up the pieces. That's the quick version. Imagine your story within that one.... Your husband finds out, his wife finds out.... when that happens, they usually tell the other person's spouse in the hopes of ending the affair. Everyone is devastated. Yes, I know you can't think about that when you're with him. Just trust me, you are going down a road in which you have no idea how horrible it can get. Go see the movie "Matchpoint" - it's almost dead-on with the unbelievable drama an affair can create (except for the violent ending, at least for me, but sometimes it does go down that path). Please turn back before it's too late. Find the perfect kiss in your husband. He has it, he knows you better than anyone. Tell him that you want to spice things up. Or just do it. Just spice it up yourself. Have an affair with your husband. Don't look outside your marriage and home for fulfillment. It's very dangerous out there.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Where to start. Well I have been at my current job for 5 1/2 yrs. During this time, I have had a baby, been thru the loss of a brother, and a cheating husband. My co-workers all have been there for me. You've been through alot, and it sounds like the 'support' of your co-workers is not enough. You would do better to get some help resolving some of the underlying issues. Turning to a MM, who has his own agenda is NOT going to end up helping you to solve problems. It's just going to compound them. If you've recently experienced betrayal by your spouse, then you know the pain of it. How is the guilt of helping to inflict that pain on someone else going to improve your situation? It only causes a snowball effect. The problem roles downhill and just gets bigger. You did a pretty good job here of listing the issues.... 1. Parenting Stress 2. Loss of a Loved One 2. Unfaithful Husband My advice to you would be to get right up in the face of those issues and work them through. Don't let yourself get sidetracked. If you give in to the urge to distract yourself, you allow your problems to GROW unabated.
curly Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Good advice for all of us. Thanks for the kick in the butt! I realized many times throughout the affair that I was hiding from personal issues, letting myself get caught up in the drama. Although it's my issues, I've compounded them by allowing even more issues to cloud my head. And now I have self-esteem and confidence issues on top of everything else. Original Poster - please heed this very well-intentioned advice that comes from personal experience. Don't go down this path. You will not be happy you did.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Oh no.... I'm not here to "kick butts" today. Maybe tomorrow though. :laugh: It's just that when I 'walk a mile' in this girl's shoes. What I feel is....lonely. Maybe a bit overwhelmed too, disconnected from the guy who promised to always be there with me, I'm worried that life is too short to spend in a state of unhappiness. When you're "lonely", you feel alone....single. It's easy to consider acting like a single person when at heart, you feel like you're not really married. I think the best place for Kim to start would probably be in Grief Counseling. That would address not only the loss of your brother, but the loss of your previous view of your husband. When the one you love cheats on you, it's a loss. The guy you thought you knew is gone, replaced by a stranger that you're not so sure of. The last thing you want to do in your life, hon....is to become fodder for some MM's midlife crisis. Having survived one of those in my own marriage, I guarantee you that MLC guys are only thinking about themselves. They're just doing whatever they can to make themselves feel better, and so confused they can't tell their ass from their elbow in the process. You can get the support and encouragement that you need in counseling, without running the risk of falling prey to someone else's agenda.
lovernotafighter Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 ah yes,that damnable kiss. I am kinda in the same boat,I am a MW and my MM is a supervisor at my company. we had a undeniable attraction and honestly I thought we built up everything so much we were bound to be let down..but that didn't happen at all. I also thought once our relationship went to a PA level that we would start feeling less and less because the whole newness and infatuation part would start dissipating...wrong again. we make each other feel alive and we never fight, our spouses don't work with us but they are here with us some how..I can imagine how it feels when you see her. I see my MM's wife's picture on his desk and recoil in horror at what we have done. listen to everyone here and run now while you can..he may make you feel great but once your feelings start to get really involved you feel trapped and honestly with me he is almost like a drug I'm addicted to..I try to stop and I go right back..and as of late I'm always in pain. please don't do this to your self,in the end your going suffer big time..
2sunny Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 You are getting worked (manipulated) by him, as he knows your weak areas....
kpin124 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 First Kiss...... brings back memories.... I remember we had been talking for a while about the first time that we were going to meet and i was joking around with him and told him that he had better walk up to me and kiss me.... I never thought he would do it but he did and it was awsome i can still see it and feel it right now thinking about it.... all i can say is be careful affairs aren't always full of first kiss kind of feelings....
Sami_D Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 kpin I was going to write something similar. We talked online and on the phone for an entire year before our first kiss. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember our first kiss... I think he pecked me on the cheek when we met, and then we sat down and talked for hours...
zarathustra Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 we took a walk at lunch one day and I was walking a couple of steps ahead of him. He grab my hand and pulled me right up against his chest and gave me the most passionate, smoldering kiss I've ever had in my life. It was a pretty day, in a park under a big old tree.
kpin124 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 kpin I was going to write something similar. We talked online and on the phone for an entire year before our first kiss. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember our first kiss... I think he pecked me on the cheek when we met, and then we sat down and talked for hours... Sami .... we had actually been talking online for over 2 years... we had talked about meeting many times but i was always to scared. I had finally got up enough courage to do it and he sure did keep his promise he walked right up to me and kissed me tounge and all..... i can close my eyes and still see it as if it were yesterday! I miss him so much right now and want to call him so bad but i am going to be stong and hold out a little while longer.... I have decided that i want him to miss me actually miss me.....
zarathustra Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Stay strong kpin. Yeah, the memories, they will haunt us. I can still smell his aftershave every so often around me. My mind plays tricks on me. I used to love being held by him only to be able to turn my nose over my shoulder and smell his scent on me. We had some fun time, we had very little on our own as we left everything to be together. I guess that wore thin on him when he's reminded each time he went home to a fully furnished comfortable home when he visited his kids. Anyway, reality hit him, and being with me would equate to many heartaches that that if he could make things work at home, he can spare. Had he not left, had we not started because he didn't leave, one more heart could have been spared too. There are days when I don't miss him so much, but I do miss the promises he made to me.
kpin124 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 zarathustra - i was wondering how long has it been since you and your mm ended things??? my mm wife seen that he had been texting and did some dectective work on her own and found out what number he had been texting and then called me..... he then called me after she did to let me know what was going on and then called me again a couple days later to see if i was ok... i didn't actually talk to his wife she left me a voice message but what he has told her is we meet online playing a online game and we struck up a friendship and had been texting he told her we hadn't even talked on the phone or seen each other nothing to worry about...... so he wanted to cool things down for a while untill she was suspicious anymore.... i am really missing him bad this week the last 2 weeks flew by but right now i just want to hear from him...... i don't want the friendship to be over honestly i don't care about the sex it wasnt about that sure that was nice but his friendship means alot to me...... my husband and i don't talk and me and mm did and that is one of the main things i was attracted to......
zarathustra Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 My MM and I broke it off 5 1/2 months ago. It still hurts, but its a dull ache. Yeah, I miss the conversations too. Its different than the kind of conversations my H and I have. MM and I disagree in different ways than H and I (less explosive and more talking things through). We just handle each other differently. That was what attracted me to him too. Also he is a bit older than me so I felt a bit more taken care of in a protective kind of way. But those things I miss, I have to remind myself over and over, are things that he presented to me, not what he commited to me. He committed himself to me even when I told him to stay with his family and forget about me, he committed himself to work hard with me in our relationship knowing there were mountains to climb, only to leave me in the middle of it all not know what happened. He betrayed my trust, and he didn't care if I was left alone to pick up the peices all on my own. I have to remind myself that I cannot possibly love someone who could treat me like that. That the rationale is that I love the image he presented to me. Kpin, with regards to missing the friendship, you will learn to live without that friendship and you will learn to make new friends and rekindle old ones. I know that when MM and I first split up, I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world. Anyone who knew of my situation couldn't understand why I'm so torn up inside. The only place I've been able to find some kindred spirit is here... on this forum. Women who are going through the same thing as I am, sharing a similiar life. Just remember, we're all here for you. To help you be strong when you feel weak as you were all there for me. I wish I found you all earlier. With regards to my H, we are trying to work things out on a open and honest basis and see where we go from there. I hope by doing so, that if things work out, that they work out for the better and if they don't, then we don't leave the M with bitterness and resentment.
Walking away Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 kpin, My MM's wife found out about me about three weeks ago. It was a text message he had forgotten to delete from his cell phone. I went into NC immediately, as he was choosing to stay and "hash out" the marriage with her. We parted ways with love. Since then, however, the contact has started back up....Him calling me to "hear my voice" and e-mails. From the sounds of things, all hell has broken loose in their home and marriage. She still knows very little about our relationship....has no idea about the PA. Just believes that we developed an EA and saw each other a few times in person. Even with this limited knowledge of me, their marriage is a complete wreck. But the thing is....he is still there working on whatever he needs to work on with her. I, too, have been left here to fend for myself. And, I am okay. I have my bad days, to be sure, but I have chosen to choose the path of the least amount of pain for myself. And that is away from him. The pain is a dull pain for me also, but I am able to enjoy the day to day living of life for the most part. I believe it is because I have taken my power back. I can do absolutely NOTHING to control what is going on in their world, but I can do ALOT to control what is going on in mine. And, in my path away from this situation, I have found more peace than pain. Even if he DID leave his wife, he is so emotionally screwed up, he would be no good for me or anyone else in that state. So, I see the affair is over. Does he miss me? He says so, but I sense that he is so screwed up that he can't even think straight right now. Which is another reason I am gone from this relationship. Too many negative feelings and emotions are raging through it all. Stay strong and maintain no contact. If he wants you badly enough, he will find you WHEN IT IS RIGHT. Hugs to you...
officespace Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 DON'T DO IT! All my friends told me in the beginning "Nothing good will come of this." And I was convinced he was "the one". I was so in love. Still am. He is the love of my life. But, they were still right. No good DID come of it. I see that now, 9 months later. Stop it before it starts. I was where you are now for a few months. Just a kiss here and there. Eventually, you will cross the line and there is no going back. You also have to be willing to sacrifice the friendship with this guy you kissed, cause it will never be the same. Trust me. I was great friends with my MM for 5 years before anything happened. Now, he hates me and we don't speak. I lost my friend. AND, you have a husband to consider. I am single and it's still awful dealing with the fallout. Just words to consider......Good luck
zarathustra Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 WA, you are right about how your MM is right now. If he does leave his wife for any reason, it will take him time to heal from it, greive it, etc. Until he's done that, he's no good to anyone, least of all you. I work with my xMM and I think life is a little cruel because he can come by my desk and peep in if he wants to see me. Talk to me when he wants to, hear my voice if he wants to. Unfortunately, I have to wait until my contractual commitment is over to leave and I leaving where I work because of him is kind of sad because I have made some wonderful friends here and my efforts are really appreciated where I'm at. I am not only getting recognition of my work within my team, but by members of other teams as well. So I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. Ah well, I'm sure I'll be able to find that feeling somewhere else.
Walking away Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Thanks zara! I am so sorry that it is so difficult to see your MM at work. I, at least, have the luxury of not seeing him. He lives in a different state. So, for that, I am at least grateful. When is your contractual committment over? I do hope that you find more peace by leaving your xMM behind. It is a tough road, isn't it?
zarathustra Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 1/2 year left. I think I would have healed faster if we didn't work together. But that is yet another one of my many mistakes in entering this relationship. I have much more peace in knowing that I tried my best with him without losing everything in me. I had a little bit of dignity (not much) after we split up. It is tough a road that we are on. Given our situation, had we made our choices differently, we would have felt a different kind of pain. No matter what our choice was, there would be a feeling of regret. At least that's how I felt. I was persued by a man that I grew admiration for as a friend as our friendship blossomed. So it was not hard to fall in love with him when he started persuing me.
Walking away Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I do hope that your pain lessens every day. It truly is a tough road that we walk. Yes, we CHOSE it, but the illusion of the affair really does entice we women in. My MM pursued me also. I fought the affair from the moment I found out he was married (2 months into the relationship). I don't think these men realize the destruction that they are causing until after the affair comes "out." Then, they are horrified at the turmoil and destruction they/we have caused. Truly, no one wins in an affair. No one.
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