BryteNytez Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Ok, I have a serious problem in my head. I've never been to a psychatriast for a diagnosis but I believe I have some form of a paranoia disorder. I many times believe my girlfriend's feelings aren't true and that she's planning on breaking up with me. Often times I over react or bring something up to her and it hurts her. I've recently overreacted majorly, almost broke up with her. She's scared I'll do that again the next time she gets a new friend. I can't promise her it'll happen again. She understands where I'm coming from, but she doesn't want me to do it again. I feel like I've went too far this time... She's going home over the summer and is worried I'll overreact and we can't be in person to work it out. We're talking about it now but I want to know what should I do to assure her it'll never happen again and what can I do to ensure I won't overreact again? I've broken her heart twice now because of my paranoia and I don't know what to do to prevent it from happening again.
amerikajin Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Look, everyone gets a little jealous from time to time, even if for just a split second. I mean, it's a natural thing. You go to a bar or night club, you see some guy hittin' your girl up, and you immediately kick your natural male instincts to protect and defend the mother of the clan from a potential invader. That's hardwired into our system. Nevertheless, jealousy, insecurity, or whatever you want to call it...it's a relationship killer. Whatever issues you have, deal with them head on. If that means you have to get help, then get help. We no longer live in a time when we have to act like cavemen to keep women around. In this day and age of psycho husbands who beat their wives to a pulp, women want security and emotional stability more than ever before. You're lucky to have found someone with such a high tolerance for your insecurities because a lot of women would have already left. The only thing I can recommend is to focus strictly on how your girl treats you - nothing else. Take your mind off of her interactions with other people, especially other guys. She is going to want and even need the company of other males from time to time in some role or another, whether just as an acquaintance or as a business partner or whatever. It's how she treats you that determines where you stand with her. If she digs how you treat her, chances are, she won't even dream of seeking out someone else. But if she gets uneasy around you - as she surely is now - that is actually the time when abandonment is most likely to occur. What do I mean? I mean, does she talk to you? Does she return your phone calls? Does she smile around you? Does she feel comfortable touching you? Does she want to spend time with you? Does she talk about doing things in the future with you? I mean, right now, if you don't like the answers to these questions, it probably has to do with the fact that your jealousy is pushing her away. Focus strictly on what goes on between you two, and only focus on that. It is possible that counseling may be of some benefit, so you might want to check that out if you think it could help.
riobikini Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Amerikajun...perfect post!!! Wish -especially- every male (and female) in America could read what you just wrote! (Smile) Rio
Author BryteNytez Posted April 3, 2006 Author Posted April 3, 2006 A little jealousy I can understand. My gf has even took the situation we were in and asked her other guy friends about it and they all said they would have reacted like I do. That doesn't make it right, but it makes it harder on her cuz she thinks she really did something wrong. The problem is that I didn't react by how she was treating other guys, but how she changed around me. She was more concerned with her looks, she enjoyed going to work when she just before hated it (we work together, by the way), she started to do these little things with this guy that she had done with me when we were just crushing on each other and not yet dating, her sleeping pattern started to change (she was staying up later) and just a bombardment of little changes. How I felt though isn't a problem. I can get as jealous as I want and I feel like it won't be a problem as long as I handle the situation in a mature manner. My jealousy usually comes and passes but this situation seemed to get worse every week and I threatened her with a break up once I thought I found out they were talking to each other outside of work... At any rate, I figured I'd tell that if I threaten to break up again, don't let me back down from it. If I worry that she'll make me take the promise ring back I'm less likely to make a rash decision. I also figured that at the first sign of jealousy, rather than sitting at him letting thoughts bubble, I can just be a little nosier and ask questions. It can be a bit annoying but it's 10x better than acting the way I did last time (and mind you, my jealousy isn't a constant thing, it was mainly with this one situation when she made a new friend. I have never had a problem with her existing friends). I'm also going to ask her to be more of herself around the guy in question since I'll never get over the jealosy thing unless I get used to her acting the way she does around her guy friends.
blind_otter Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 jealousy/paranoia = pathologically low self esteem, negative self-image, neagative self talk. Feel better about yourself, increase self confidence = reduced jealousy/paranoia.
a4a Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 jealousy/paranoia = pathologically low self esteem, negative self-image, neagative self talk. Feel better about yourself, increase self confidence = reduced jealousy/paranoia. Unless of course you are dealing with a stalker X. Then paranoia is a bit justified.
amerikajin Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Well, sometimes there are valid reasons to be jealous. If you can honestly note that she's changing around you, and that there is some interaction with another man - not guys in general, but one man in particular - then it is indeed possible that there might be some trouble on the home front. You can't get jealous everytime she smiles around a man, or everytime you see her enjoying herself in the presence of another man - that's not anything to be jealous about at all. But when she pulls away from you and starts spending a lot of time in close proximity to one man in particular, that's a very real problem. You see, in every relationship between people - whether it's friendship, familial love, or romantic love - there's a connection. Sometimes the connection's strong, sometimes it's weak. These connections exist in every single relationship but we only pay attention to that connection in romance. Why? Because it's really the only situation in which a man must worry about whether his connection to a person is stronger than someone else's. Romantic relationships naturally invite comparisons between our relationship with a person, and another person's relationship with that same person. I suppose the same could be said of familial or friendship type love, but not nearly with as much scrutiny. I think you know that your connection to your partner is rather weak at the moment. The key question after that is, what is the real connection between her and this other guy. What exactly do they do together that makes you so uncomfortable? Don't deny what you see and feel.
LoosScroo Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Jealousy/paranoia is a tough issue for those of us who've experienced it. Amerikajin's post is obviously from experience, and I would read that over again if I were you. One thing to keep in mind each and every time you feel like confronting her is that jealousy is and will always be completely in YOUR mind. In my case, I've realized that these issues come from dwelling on the past too much. Just something to think about, and may not apply to you. I can tell you from my personal experience, that going to a therapist because of jealousy/paranoia issues is a wonderful idea. It turned my life around, because she made me realize that the issues I was having pervaded in several other areas of my life in an unhealthy way.
Author BryteNytez Posted April 3, 2006 Author Posted April 3, 2006 Well my link with her at the moment is strong. Jealousy at the moment is not an issue (atleast with me being jealous). I trust her with this guy 100%. I've gotten passed the issue. However, I do distinctly remember what lead up to the climax of the argument, sitting at home, searching the chat logs of us, looking for "hints" or signs, thinking through the past days and trying to put a rhyme or reason why she'd be acting a certain way. The important thing I think I'm doing though is that right now I'm talking to her about it. I've explained my train of thought and am hoping that she'll realize that how I reacted to this one guy is not how I normally feel. I don't constantly sit around thinking she's cheating on me. I tell her that it was the way she changed that bothered me. She felt more distant from me when he's around. I no doubt will continue to get a little jealous through out time, I always have and probably will, but I usually don't act upon it. Just because she talks to another guy doesn't bother me, it is that she acts differently around me when that guy is around. I felt like she didn't want it to seem like there was a strong attachment with me when he's around. But I know that's the paranoia talking. At any rate, I'm talking to her about it, trying to develop a system which I can react differently when things bother me.
LoosScroo Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Ah.. well then it sounds like you're good to go. Good luck!
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