CeeJayXX Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 On a positive note...... What about the good things that come to us out of our relationships? Is there something specific your MM/OW...etc...brought out in you that made you a better person? (I'm not talking about a bitter break up or an argument that ended it which has made you happy... or anything of a negative nature). I am with a MM who is 30 years older than me. We are the greatest of friends but with benefits. He is an incredible support system of advice and a shoulder to lean on when I need it most. He has taught me how to defend myself and stand up for what I believe in and how to be happy with "me".
Walking away Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 I have many "good" things that I can look back on in my relationship. I have developed much strength because of this affair. I truly do know what it is to love now. And, I will never regret having those feelings. They are something beautiful that came out of a terrible situation. We were the best of friends and spoke about everything. My relationship was, when it was good, the best I have ever had. For, we had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And, by the looks of things, he realizes the same about me. I will keep you posted....
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 The best of the affair: definitely the feelings of empowerment and strength! He taught me how to take care of myself - both aesthetically and healthwise. He also re-affirmed the notion that I am beautiful (and not looking my age). I was definitely the "physical aggressor" - if you know what I mean - but he could melt me just by the way he was looking at me! Those eyes were so intense!!
Blind Illusion Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 So many good things: Helped me feel good about myselfhelped me to share and not keep things bottled up insidegave me practical parenting advice on numerous occasions.made me feel alive sexually again.encouraged me in so many ways to do good things in my lifeTHERE"S MORE..I just can't think rightnow. Sleep is beckoning!
lovernotafighter Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 On a positive note...... What about the good things that come to us out of our relationships? Is there something specific your MM/OW...etc...brought out in you that made you a better person? (I'm not talking about a bitter break up or an argument that ended it which has made you happy... or anything of a negative nature). I am with a MM who is 30 years older than me. We are the greatest of friends but with benefits. He is an incredible support system of advice and a shoulder to lean on when I need it most. He has taught me how to defend myself and stand up for what I believe in and how to be happy with "me". this is ironic..I just made a list at work about what I love about my MM.I had to see for myself what was keeping me in and there was many things to choose from. he does make me a better person..I am much kinder and softer towards others because of his influence. I had to learn so much about patience and tolerance because our relationship,I believe I have grown spiritually ten fold..I'd like to think it's the same for him but he doesn't show me much with words but in his actions and looks I can see everything and it's the same. one person at my job who knows him well told me " he is so personable around you..he laughs easier and smiles allot..he has never seemed as happy unless your there" and that is exactly what he does to me. though are relationship is a giant secret and we have to keep everything hidden (apparently as to my statement above we don't hide it well) I still feel as though I can tell him everything and him me..I've never been this close to anyone and the feeling is incredible..I will never forget the influence my MM has had on me because he will be the one who I gage all other relationships against. And, by the looks of things, he realizes the same about me. I will keep you posted.... woah...whats going on WA?...ohh I'll be looking for you update
Blind Illusion Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 ..I will never forget the influence my MM has had on me because he will be the one who I gage all other relationships against. Yes, yes, yes, this will certainly be so. And also the thing that probably stops me from ever really saying goodbye to him. I worry nothing else will ever measure up. On, that note, I am really going to sleep.
kpin124 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 well i would say that some good things for me were.... he made me feel good about my self and relize that someone else would want me.... I have always thought that no one else would ever want me and that i was just stuck where i was but i have now learned that is not the case. he has also been a friend to talk to about what ever i needed and that i would say has been the best thing!
Sami_D Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 A lot of the replies on this thread are about how MM made the woman feel good about herself in some way: "he made me feel good about my self and relize that someone else would want me...." "Helped me feel good about myself" "He also re-affirmed the notion that I am beautiful (and not looking my age)." And also, comments about positive changes: "He has taught me how to defend myself and stand up for what I believe in and how to be happy with "me". "he does make me a better person..I am much kinder and softer towards others because of his influence... I had to learn so much about patience and tolerance because our relationship,I believe I have grown spiritually ten fold." "encouraged me in so many ways to do good things in my life." "the feelings of empowerment and strength! He taught me how to take care of myself - both aesthetically and healthwise." "I have developed much strength because of this affair." If anyone was looking for reasons why people stay in affairs... here are the reasons right here. And very little was written about 'amazing sex'.
Author CeeJayXX Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 If anyone was looking for reasons why people stay in affairs... here are the reasons right here. And very little was written about 'amazing sex'. You are absolutely right, Sami D. It's not about the sex (atleast not in my particular situation). The sex is a bonus that we happen to share together every so often. We spend atleast 3 hours a day talking about life and everything involved in it. My MM is 35 years older than me and has a completely different view of the world than I have. My MM is my best friend.....our spouses are aware that we are the closest of friends. We do everything together all the time (family gatherings and holidays) We work together and visit each others houses regularly. We send each other an agenda on our busiest days so we know where each other is all the time and what we are up to. (Spouses know we do this, its no secret). He is my shoulder when I need one to lean on but he is also the cheering crowd when I have accomplished something I thought was unachieveable. I am a support system for him as well. We vent to each other when we know that no one else is going to put up with listening to our ranting and raving. He is a wonderful person who has brought a lot of new meaning into my life in three years.
kpin124 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I so agree with you guys on that it isn't about the sex it is all the other reasons that everyone has said........... right now i am missing my mm so much i am missing his friendship the most.... sure the sex is awsome but i am not sitting her thinking man i wish i could see him cause i sure want to have sex with him right now.... i am thinking i just wish i could hear his voice see his smile and hear him laugh...... there are many reason's why a's happen and i think everyone has said some pretty good ones!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 ........... right now i am missing my mm so much i am missing his friendship the most.... Let me help you stiffen your resolve just a little bit then.... When you allow other people to "make you feel...", you give them control of your emotions. It's nice when it's a positive feeling. Sucks when it's a negative one. A person who can "make you feel" good about yourself has the power to "make you feel" bad about yourself too.
zarathustra Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 LJ, you are right on the money on your last point.
Blind Illusion Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Let me help you stiffen your resolve just a little bit then.... When you allow other people to "make you feel...", you give them control of your emotions. It's nice when it's a positive feeling. Sucks when it's a negative one. A person who can "make you feel" good about yourself has the power to "make you feel" bad about yourself too. Yes, you are right on about that but just recognizing something doesn't always change the reality overnight. That's why I have dedicated this year to having a "love affair with myself" and to stop letting both my husband and MM determine how I feel in general. Some days I do good and some days I dissappoint myself. I'll get there, though. Or else, I will have a collection of men that annoy me. Who needs that
Author CeeJayXX Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 Let me help you stiffen your resolve just a little bit then.... When you allow other people to "make you feel...", you give them control of your emotions. It's nice when it's a positive feeling. Sucks when it's a negative one. A person who can "make you feel" good about yourself has the power to "make you feel" bad about yourself too. As much as I agree with what you are saying, I also disagree. I think in every piece of communication to anyone we allow the other person to control our emotions to some degree. It's human nature. You are right in saying when it's positive we feel good but when it's negative it takes a toll. Everything in life has a good side and bad side to it. Taking the chance at getting hurt to have something that makes us happy is all choice which really means we have full control of our emotions. Very few things in life we have no choice over. With an affair we made the choice (both parties) to become involved. What a great point you did make though!
Ladyjane14 Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Thanks for the compliments Zara, Blind Illusion, and CeeJayXX. I have this great big thought in my head though, and I'm having trouble verbalizing it. It's not about being an OW or a BW. It's more about being a woman. Taking the chance at getting hurt to have something that makes us happy is all choice which really means we have full control of our emotions. Very few things in life we have no choice over. I really do believe in putting yourself out there and taking emotional risks, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, I've become aware of the idea that as women....we wear so many hats. We're wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, co-workers, you name it. But at the end of the day, when we take off whatever hat we're wearing...I think we have to hold on to WHO WE ARE. That's why the concept of "making" someone happy, or someone else "making" us happy bugs me. Example.... Have you tried to make a man happy for 20 years? I have. It's not possible. And I truly do believe that it's because we are each ultimately responsible for our own happiness....for choosing happiness. You can choose a man that you think might make you happy, but he won't. Only YOU can make yourself happy. It was a tough lesson for me to learn, but what I've finally determined is that there's a certain amount of autonomy that we have to keep. We can't give ourselves away into any singular 'role' and still feel whole. None of us are an island unto ourselves, but if we allow ourselves to NEED other people in order to "be happy" on a daily basis....we've allowed ourselves to be pigeon-holed into that one "role", wearing that one hat. It's true that there are times in our lives when we really do NEED some help. But I have to wonder if those times aren't few and far between. That is, until we're old and feeble anyhow. I figure that if I can stave off "old and feeble" and limit my needs by carefully examining my expectations, I'm better able to look at human contact as a matter of sharing/receiving it as a gift. I'm rambling, I know....but I can't quite put it into words yet. It's a work in progress.
Sami_D Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Ladyjane you make some good points about happiness and other people. I felt the same way when I made my comments earlier about how 'he makes me feel good about myself' kept cropping up in the descriptions of affairs. However, I didn't put a positive or negative spin on that in my post, because I just wanted to comment that those feelings help tie us into affairs (and, incidentally, many other relationships). An affair can be, in some ways, much like any other deep relationship based on a strong connection. Those things are hard to walk away from. But you are right in your main point about the danger of allowing other people to be responsible for our own happiness, and how that is ultimately dangerous. But much of that feeling of 'in love' we get about people is exactly based on how we feel when we're with them. And one aspect of that is the great happiness we feel when we're with someone who makes us feel good about ourselves. But the thing is, if ALL your happiness and good feelings come from others, you're in trouble. You have to be happy in yourself, with your own life, without relying unduly on others for 'up' feelings. You have to be able to look at yourself and say yeah, I'm a great person! And know that that's true whatever other people say. If you have that, no one can take it away from you, whether they talk negatively about you, or positively. Once you have that, then being in love with, and loved by, others, is a welcome and wonderful addition to life, rather than something you desperately need and cling to even when it's harming you. Blah blah etc. 1
CastingPearls Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Yes, you need a firm sense of your own value to be happy. And if it so happens that your S.O., husband, lover, whatever, mirrors that back to you, it is only a confirmation of what you already knew. Loss, neglect or betrayal will sadden you, but not devastate. Don't base your worth on someone elses scale! But if they choose to appreciate and admire you for the fabulous person you are, compliment them on their good taste.
kpin124 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I really do believe in putting yourself out there and taking emotional risks, don't get me wrong. But at the same time, I've become aware of the idea that as women....we wear so many hats. We're wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, co-workers, you name it. But at the end of the day, when we take off whatever hat we're wearing...I think we have to hold on to WHO WE ARE. That's why the concept of "making" someone happy, or someone else "making" us happy bugs me. Example.... Have you tried to make a man happy for 20 years? I have. It's not possible. And I truly do believe that it's because we are each ultimately responsible for our own happiness....for choosing happiness. You can choose a man that you think might make you happy, but he won't. Only YOU can make yourself happy. It was a tough lesson for me to learn, but what I've finally determined is that there's a certain amount of autonomy that we have to keep. We can't give ourselves away into any singular 'role' and still feel whole. so true so true ...... i had never really thought about it that way but now i am.... thank you for posting this : )
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