What is NC...Really?

[bendit]

NC is short for No Contact.

 

We use it as a tool for recovery in relationships gone bad. NC is not at all easy. It is something we are very keen on when we first break up, almost defiantly so. We are proud of each passing day and mark them off on the calendar with a little check. But things change. We change. They change. And as time wears on and a bit of distance from the EX is achieved, we sometimes forget all the bad stuff about them, and only remember the good. That's when NC gets tough.

 

What is NC? When it is strictly defined, it can mean only one thing. Absolutely NO CONTACT, of any shape matter or form with the ex. End of story. Practically speaking, however, it's not so simple.

 

Depending on their own unique circumstances, people can and do define it differently. To some, NC may mean that "they" can contact you but you can't contact them, Unless of course they contact you first. Then contacting them is ok. You can read emails from them, but not send them out first. You can listen to a VM, but not leave one, unless you are replying to a message they left. Texting? Same deal. You can send only after getting one from them. Internet spying? Legal according to the expanded definition of NC. How about talking to friends about the ex, or to their relatives? That's ok too because you aren't directly contacting the ex in this situation. All of this is very much like a high stakes game of cat and mouse isn't it?

 

So that's another way of defining NC and there are of course variations. Expansive? Yes, but an alternate definition, nonetheless. Why would you want to expand the definition of NC? For many reasons probably. First, you aren't a rude person and only rude people ignore others. You are helpful and used to help the ex and their family. Why should things be different now? After all, nobody does it better. ;-) We may want closure. We didn't get to say our piece and now we are steaming mad and want to vent. If they call they will get an earful! But you won't be breaking NC because they contacted first. I think the main reason we expand the definition of NC is that we secretly, or not so secretly, want a second chance. Yes we haven't quite given up hope yet.

 

Our mind is "bargaining" here. Hey, second chances are known to happen. People change. Yes, the odds are disturbingly low, but they are not Zero. If the ex happens to change for the better then I am open for another go round. What is NC? In this sense, its a "strategy" to rope your ex back in. Its been proven to drive some folks batty with curiosity and to get them to contact you again. Lets hope that you don't rope back in a bucking bronco!

 

NC defined expansively is high risk because it opens up the avenues to more pain. You may escape your contact without more hurt, but the odds are against it.

 

What is NC? I am stickler for honesty. And honestly, I can't get around the NO in No Contact. I just can't. Its there staring me in the face. It says NO. As much as I wanted to expand the definition, (and I did to my regret on a few occasions), I finally understood that I couldn't. I realize that NO really still does mean NO.

 

What is NC? NC is about changing your mind to do things in a different way. Its about facing your hurt, facing the world, facing your life, facing your Self. It's staring into the abyss of uncertainty, knowing that you are moving on in life without someone who was once really important to you. You do NC alone. It is the scariest thing. Maybe we were just in a period of being together with someone. And now we aren't together with someone anymore. It may have been a long long time since we have had to face the future alone.

 

What is NC? NC is a changed mindset. Its transitioning from dependence to independence. Its embracing a future uncertain, and dealing with pain in a human way. Its realizing that life is nothing but change. That's all it is. Relationships come and go in life. Some are longer. Some may only last a few days or weeks, and still they can make an impact. What is NC? Its about learning. Its realizing that there will be new people in your life you can learn from and have fun with, just as you learned from and enjoyed your ex.

 

NC is a challenge. A big challenge! Its a challenge that can be met, but not at all easily. When the challenge is met, however, it makes you feel strong and powerful. What is NC? NC is about healing. We all suffer. And we will continue to face suffering in life, although perhaps not in the same exact way. NC though, heals your acute break up pain, and gives you the perspective and insight for solving the problems that will be there long after the ex is gone.

 

NC forces us to move on and face our own issues in a direct way. It's a tool we can use to help us forget about a past we can't change, and focus on the here and now. What is NC? Complete No Contact finally is all about Letting Go. Its about giving up---letting it all go with no hope of ever going back to a life you once had. That's of course what changing phones numbers and email addresses is all about: Letting Go. And that's why its so hard to take that last final step in putting together the NC puzzle.

 

NC is not about running, or being weak, or avoiding. Far from it. Its about completely letting go of an unhealthy attachment. NC is one of the most difficult things we will ever have to do in life. And if we intend to give it a go, it is worth doing the right way. NC is so rewarding in the end as it keeps us safe from more hurt. NC is a pragmatic implementation of a philosophy of life: Detachment, Disengagement, Letting Go, Moving on, Protection, Healing, and Embracing the Unknown with Courage.

 

As copers, NC is something we can and should explore deeply. I encourage everyone to investigate the science and practice the ART of NC.

 

What is No Contact?

 

No Contact = No New Hurts

[fooled]

Bendit, I am glad that you posted this. Every point you make is accurate and eloquent. I have enormous respect for you - and every comment you have made to me in my posts has had an impact.

 

I assume that my "Syncronicity" thread inspired you to start this one. At least I hope so.

 

I certainly do not want readers to think that I am encouraging them to give let theirr exes back into their lives. I do not want to give false hope or to inspire others to think that because I did what I did - that it would be healthy for them.

 

I feel that you may have lost a little respect for me because I broke NC and I hypocritically justified it. While I hope that is not the case, I would prefer to not debate it on this important thread. I did what I did because I felt compelled to - and I posted because this forum is a documentation of my progress.

 

I still agree with you 100% everything you say here. Readers should listen to you. You are strong and wise and are following the correct path.

 

What you wrote above is equal to No Foolin's NC post and should be regarded as such.

 

You are a tremendous force of strenth for the posters/readers of this board - and your advice should not be taken lightly.

[bendit]

Fooled I haven't lost respect for you at all. In fact you remind me of me! It took me a while to master NC. Very few of us get it right the first time. I am lucky that each time I broke it, I learned from it, and was stronger the next time. Soon there is no next time. Fooled it is not easy going through a painful breakup, and I respect you for your honesty and intentions. I trust that you too will learn from your breaks of NC and be all the wiser for them. Thanks also for the kind words. I am in your corner.

 

regards

[fooled]

I know you are and that adds to my resolve. Yesterday's break in NC was less about her, the relationship or what either of us felt about it. It wasn't about revenge or teaching her a lesson or closure.

 

It was about me taking a step in my newfound spirituality. A leap of faith. It was about me. Listening to what the universe is telling me and acting. I don't believe in destiny or fate or that the universe has a plan - just that it has a flow. I am trying to pay attention to that flow. It has helped me creatively and personally over the last month.

 

Yes, I have learned.

 

And I continue to learn from you, my friend. Thank you.

[riobikini]

"Ditto"!!!! (all of it...you got it all right, man.)

 

 

-Rio

[WeaknPowerless]

No Contact is an addiction rehab for the heart and the mind. It's the cold turkey method to healing and forgetting someone.

 

You'd never go No Contact with a family member or friend (unless the do something absolutely horrific). So No Contact is used more often then not with ex lovers and companions. I believe when you boil it all down, its simply to let their memory go.

 

• Forget the hurt

• Forget the rejection

• Forget the good times

• Forget the bad times

• Forget the love

 

In time, reflecting on that person, even talking with them is great. Do it even, once fully healed, but all the things we as "copers" think and feel now towards them won't exist in the future as they do now. We may still love them in a certain way. Even be angry at them still. But we forget the pain and torment that is happening day to day. And if you are in contact with the source of your sorrow, you'll never be able to get over it.

 

If you've lost someone, been rejected, whatever, in time your thoughts aren't consumed about that person, and that's why we use No Contact...to guide us to that point.

 

My personal definition.

[WeaknPowerless]

Apparently, NC is also having coffee with your good buddy, who previous to the breakup became interested in your ex's best friend, and NOT asking questions about said friend or the ex.

 

I'll tell you, there was this twisted desire to ask about her, ask if they talk about her, an all of that. It was almost painful to hear they had just spent time together, and my buddy more then likely knows all about what my ex is doing right now.

 

*Head blows up*

[In Sync]

NC is the glue for the broken teacup....once again bendit, thanks.

[Baby]

how do i communicate with bendit alone? maybe you cud help me. I have lots to ask and i dont know where to go. i have no body to helpme stop my pain and torment.

I keep askin to be forgiven and to give me another chance. he told me yes few days ago. i gave u that chance and im still here with you talkin to you aint I? i didnt turn my back at you.

So today I thought it was fine I took that chance and I ask can I see him next month. His reply was "now its not a good time". But I thought.....he said "I didnt say i want to meet to try again. I has to make my own mind, own heart to make a decision".

Sometimes we/he wud talk so much abt the future, abt summer, what we gonna do every lil details. Or how we gonna spend our time. That certainly gave me hope that we gonna again meet in summer.

So today after I ask him to meet next month, he told me to get a job, a life outside of just him and me. So he can judge my sincerity. and not be so dependent on him. and that I still dont listen to him or his feelings.

I just wanna die. I do tried to get a job i m still not successful. and how do i work if i cant stop cryin... all i want is to be with him and prove to him how much i have realise its him i want and that i want to prove i love him and beg on my hands and knees.... please help me

someone..anyone..

he say he believe me when i say im sorry and that i dont have to show to him.

[In Sync]

how do i communicate with bendit alone? maybe you cud help me. I have lots to ask and i dont know where to go. i have no body to helpme stop my pain and torment.

I keep askin to be forgiven and to give me another chance. he told me yes few days ago. i gave u that chance and im still here with you talkin to you aint I? i didnt turn my back at you.

So today I thought it was fine I took that chance and I ask can I see him next month. His reply was "now its not a good time". But I thought.....he said "I didnt say i want to meet to try again. I has to make my own mind, own heart to make a decision".

Sometimes we/he wud talk so much abt the future, abt summer, what we gonna do every lil details. Or how we gonna spend our time. That certainly gave me hope that we gonna again meet in summer.

So today after I ask him to meet next month, he told me to get a job, a life outside of just him and me. So he can judge my sincerity. and not be so dependent on him. and that I still dont listen to him or his feelings.

I just wanna die. I do tried to get a job i m still not successful. and how do i work if i cant stop cryin... all i want is to be with him and prove to him how much i have realise its him i want and that i want to prove i love him and beg on my hands and knees.... please help me

someone..anyone..

he say he believe me when i say im sorry and that i dont have to show to him.

 

I am not Bendit, but I am 99.9% sure he will advise you to practice NC. And strictly.

Although i don't know the precise details of what went on in the demise of your relationship, for the information you did provide, I would suggest you indeed maintain NC. Anytime you feel the need to beg someone or you wanna die, because a relationship has ended..and the other person is clearly giving you signs of distancing themselves...You NEED to practice NO CONTACT, seriously. You are not in a healthy place, because you sound dependent on him. From your ex's viewpoint this is suffocating. No one wants to be another person's life support. A loving partner yes, a lifeline no. Right now you are in pain and in your mind you think you need him to survive. This is sort of an addiction..NOT LOVE. Your bf is pulling away...this is not a happy moment for you, but until you realize that contacting him is equivalent to a drug addict craving for a hit of a drug you will be and continue to cause your own pain.

Maybe your bf, still cares for you, I don't know. Yet if you continue to beg and plead to him that you have changed...that is providing him proof that you need his approval...It does not work. He may just end up feeling completely cornered and feel guilty and as a result NEVER want to continue a relationship. In otherwords it's a complete

Don't contact him, but use this time and yes it will be the hardestthing you've ever done, BUT it is worth it. You will regain your self esteem and self respect and most of all SELF LOVE.

[Baby]

txs for replying insync.

I dont know if i can do no contact. Im so weak. my story was I jump right into him before i cud heal from my prev relationship. He ask me if i was ready, bfore i come to him. ive been goin thru major issues in my life. I just came out of a divorce, and another relationship that didnt work out. (that causes my divorce) Then he came to my life when i thought theres no more hope in my life. whilst im in complete chaos.

He pick me from the dumps. First time i met we were great. thats for 2 weeks. after another 2 months we meet again. And thats when we though we gonna be together. Hes going to marry me and all.

I was with him for 3 months. I thought and never thought this cud ever happen to me. A tru happiness all for me?? So i was confuse, bewildered, overwhelming.

I act badly towards him. When i cudnt get what i use to when i first meet him, I act up. Everything now is different. I thought he love me and no matter what I do or how, he wont leave me cuz he love me forever. I needed confirmation that he really love me and I push and push more to know. I treat him like s***.

I was also first time without family. my children, in a foreign land, new environment, out in the world on my own for the very first time. Im like a totally bewildered child goin to a foster home with a new sets of parents. I become very defensive on alot of things and I thought i only have me to protect myself. I m a scared child actually. And he didnt understand. he thought I was like that and I treat him bad bcuz i was bad, evil, a bitch.

I totally dont know how to react. So of cuz I dont know what to expect and thats why I said yes im ready. Now he regret seing me when i wasnt ready. Its not like that huge turn of life event happen to me every day.

 

But in all the fight we had, its all bcus i wanted him with me all the while. I wudnt want him to play computer games i want him to play with me. I was in his boat and crying alone cuz he was out with his friends talkin while i simply want him for me. when we fought i wud blare the tv so loud. when its cold, i wud wind down the window. when he said no i wud say yes. everyting is never fast enuff for me, no matter what he did, tell me close the door, i open it. And after every fight all i want is for him to hold me. And he will everytime.

But he never made known to me that we will break up or he will break with me if i didnt change. there was a turnin point for me one day, and from then on i did change and try my best. But all i know is i love him so so much and i did change.

 

When im abt to go home, we both cried and cried. Even at the airport, he still tells me im bringing you back home soon. And thats what I thought. I was happy and sad all at once cuz im leavin him but also so happy cuz i know im goin back again so soon. he also cried after i left in his car on his way home. he say why he still misses me so much after we fought alot. But never once did he said He stop loving me and still does even how many time i f***ed up.

 

When i reach home, we still fought online. After few weeks of being alone, and have time to think for himself, he finally tell me he had a change of heart. he told me i m not brave enuff to marry you anymore at the same time im not strong enuff to let you go.

so thats my story, its been 4 months now since we last met. he said we cud try again in summer. now its summer and i still dont know.

 

What i dont understand is how cud some one say he never was happy that 3 months when we have. What abt those laughter, kisses, cuddles, intimacy, smile, bringin me out to places i love, bringin home my fav chocolates, my birthday, we both always wanted to cook for each other and have to take turns. bringin him his coffee.

every day we learn abt each other and fall in love deeper. It has been trouble but it wasnt all bitter. For me it was the best thing that ever happen to me. He teaches me love, patience, simplicity in life,

and without his love and patience i wudnt be able to adopt and adept to my new life with him there.

It was so beautiful everyday was full of love despite the fights. I am thankful for the lesson and will never forget the pain.

 

Why does people needed a break to convince theyre loved. why does we have to breakup to make up. Life is too short. why cant im allowed to learn as together instead of being separated. I thought when you re happy in love, you are into one another. why must I have to be alone. Now im being looked at as being too close to him? too wrap in him? to get me a life outside of him ..HUH??? shd I get me a bf too??

 

isnt love suppose to be close? if the one that love you dont want to be close back, what kinda love is that?

isnt love suppose to be there for one another? im not sayin join in the hip

 

He has dif believe in love. I said w/o love human are empty. he said he dont feels empty and that love can sometime be a disease. that two people can be so deeply in love but cant be together cus they cant get along. different cultures, religion, value and goals. i dont know what to say to that. for me love gives u strength, courage and to be able to share yr happines with the one u love, doubles it and give u tremendous joy when u hear him laugh or smile. make me excel in everything i touches. and turn to magic.

 

In the beginning i didnt know what i want. i never accept his proposal even tho he propose to me 3 times. Now im the one cryin beggin him to take me back.

yesterday I called him cryin again and he got so annoyed with me. He said to get a job first get my life again. That he wasnt happy last time with me.

 

He told me hes still supporting, still helping me behind my back, still with me and can see the pain in my eyes. He never leave me. That he know i needed his attention all the time. But now is not the time, for we still fight as in now and u need to change first and we will meet again one day. but not now!! Now im too wrap up with him. I quit my job when i come to him so now hes supporting me. Thats why he said he is not convince for my sincerity. cuz he now have my life in his hands and that i have no choice. so if i do have a job i wud have a lot to loose like him now and he can see if i really honestly love him. And also to kill some time instead of just moping. That i cant just expect him to forget what i did. If we were to get back again we have to start from scratch. and thats FINAL.

 

He did apologise to me too saying part of the mistake, is him too. that causes me to be. he has been alone for so long. and used to doing things his way, anytime, all the time. he spoiled too.

 

Now i think and i can see that even if i do have a job to come back too and a life, I wont be able to concentrate. I wud take the next available flight out as soon as i can to see and talk to him and hear from him himself. in person. I never expect that break up at all and if he were to tell me before i go home i wud better prepare myself and know where im going and wud say a proper goodbyes....

 

I do. I really do LOVE and want him back. I know i have a very very long road ahead of me. but its the only road for us to be able to cross path and be together again. Im going to get me a job. I am willing to wait. I admitted all my mistakes and im responsible. I can see clearer now that he does truly love me and only have my interest at his heart. Even tho we are apart, a world away. I cant just go to his house when i needed a hug when i needed a shoulder to cry. I dont have all that. Im totally alone.

 

But he made up by sometin else. after he was over being angry with me, he top up my visa card to buy books i want and to choose which victoria secret from the catalogue and to pass him the link. Hes always with me. In my tears and misery i cant see all that.

 

I will try to be happy. Its not gonna be easy God have mercy on me. But its time to prove to him my love for him.

Sorry guys its very long.......

So now u know the story, what the best to do to get him back. or do i really have a chance. Cheers!

[In Sync]

txs for replying insync.

I dont know if i can do no contact. Im so weak. my story was I jump right into him before i cud heal from my prev relationship. He ask me if i was ready, bfore i come to him. ive been goin thru major issues in my life. I just came out of a divorce, and another relationship that didnt work out. (that causes my divorce) Then he came to my life when i thought theres no more hope in my life. whilst im in complete chaos.

He pick me from the dumps. First time i met we were great. thats for 2 weeks. after another 2 months we meet again. And thats when we though we gonna be together. Hes going to marry me and all.

I was with him for 3 months. I thought and never thought this cud ever happen to me. A tru happiness all for me?? So i was confuse, bewildered, overwhelming.

I act badly towards him. When i cudnt get what i use to when i first meet him, I act up. Everything now is different. I thought he love me and no matter what I do or how, he wont leave me cuz he love me forever. I needed confirmation that he really love me and I push and push more to know. I treat him like s***.

I was also first time without family. my children, in a foreign land, new environment, out in the world on my own for the very first time. Im like a totally bewildered child goin to a foster home with a new sets of parents. I become very defensive on alot of things and I thought i only have me to protect myself. I m a scared child actually. And he didnt understand. he thought I was like that and I treat him bad bcuz i was bad, evil, a bitch.

I totally dont know how to react. So of cuz I dont know what to expect and thats why I said yes im ready. Now he regret seing me when i wasnt ready. Its not like that huge turn of life event happen to me every day.

 

But in all the fight we had, its all bcus i wanted him with me all the while. I wudnt want him to play computer games i want him to play with me. I was in his boat and crying alone cuz he was out with his friends talkin while i simply want him for me. when we fought i wud blare the tv so loud. when its cold, i wud wind down the window. when he said no i wud say yes. everyting is never fast enuff for me, no matter what he did, tell me close the door, i open it. And after every fight all i want is for him to hold me. And he will everytime.

But he never made known to me that we will break up or he will break with me if i didnt change. there was a turnin point for me one day, and from then on i did change and try my best. But all i know is i love him so so much and i did change.

 

When im abt to go home, we both cried and cried. Even at the airport, he still tells me im bringing you back home soon. And thats what I thought. I was happy and sad all at once cuz im leavin him but also so happy cuz i know im goin back again so soon. he also cried after i left in his car on his way home. he say why he still misses me so much after we fought alot. But never once did he said He stop loving me and still does even how many time i f***ed up.

 

When i reach home, we still fought online. After few weeks of being alone, and have time to think for himself, he finally tell me he had a change of heart. he told me i m not brave enuff to marry you anymore at the same time im not strong enuff to let you go.

so thats my story, its been 4 months now since we last met. he said we cud try again in summer. now its summer and i still dont know.

 

What i dont understand is how cud some one say he never was happy that 3 months when we have. What abt those laughter, kisses, cuddles, intimacy, smile, bringin me out to places i love, bringin home my fav chocolates, my birthday, we both always wanted to cook for each other and have to take turns. bringin him his coffee.

every day we learn abt each other and fall in love deeper. It has been trouble but it wasnt all bitter. For me it was the best thing that ever happen to me. He teaches me love, patience, simplicity in life,

and without his love and patience i wudnt be able to adopt and adept to my new life with him there.

It was so beautiful everyday was full of love despite the fights. I am thankful for the lesson and will never forget the pain.

 

Why does people needed a break to convince theyre loved. why does we have to breakup to make up. Life is too short. why cant im allowed to learn as together instead of being separated. I thought when you re happy in love, you are into one another. why must I have to be alone. Now im being looked at as being too close to him? too wrap in him? to get me a life outside of him ..HUH??? shd I get me a bf too??

 

isnt love suppose to be close? if the one that love you dont want to be close back, what kinda love is that?

isnt love suppose to be there for one another? im not sayin join in the hip

 

He has dif believe in love. I said w/o love human are empty. he said he dont feels empty and that love can sometime be a disease. that two people can be so deeply in love but cant be together cus they cant get along. different cultures, religion, value and goals. i dont know what to say to that. for me love gives u strength, courage and to be able to share yr happines with the one u love, doubles it and give u tremendous joy when u hear him laugh or smile. make me excel in everything i touches. and turn to magic.

 

In the beginning i didnt know what i want. i never accept his proposal even tho he propose to me 3 times. Now im the one cryin beggin him to take me back.

yesterday I called him cryin again and he got so annoyed with me. He said to get a job first get my life again. That he wasnt happy last time with me.

 

He told me hes still supporting, still helping me behind my back, still with me and can see the pain in my eyes. He never leave me. That he know i needed his attention all the time. But now is not the time, for we still fight as in now and u need to change first and we will meet again one day. but not now!! Now im too wrap up with him. I quit my job when i come to him so now hes supporting me. Thats why he said he is not convince for my sincerity. cuz he now have my life in his hands and that i have no choice. so if i do have a job i wud have a lot to loose like him now and he can see if i really honestly love him. And also to kill some time instead of just moping. That i cant just expect him to forget what i did. If we were to get back again we have to start from scratch. and thats FINAL.

 

He did apologise to me too saying part of the mistake, is him too. that causes me to be. he has been alone for so long. and used to doing things his way, anytime, all the time. he spoiled too.

 

Now i think and i can see that even if i do have a job to come back too and a life, I wont be able to concentrate. I wud take the next available flight out as soon as i can to see and talk to him and hear from him himself. in person. I never expect that break up at all and if he were to tell me before i go home i wud better prepare myself and know where im going and wud say a proper goodbyes....

 

I do. I really do LOVE and want him back. I know i have a very very long road ahead of me. but its the only road for us to be able to cross path and be together again. Im going to get me a job. I am willing to wait. I admitted all my mistakes and im responsible. I can see clearer now that he does truly love me and only have my interest at his heart. Even tho we are apart, a world away. I cant just go to his house when i needed a hug when i needed a shoulder to cry. I dont have all that. Im totally alone.

 

But he made up by sometin else. after he was over being angry with me, he top up my visa card to buy books i want and to choose which victoria secret from the catalogue and to pass him the link. Hes always with me. In my tears and misery i cant see all that.

 

I will try to be happy. Its not gonna be easy God have mercy on me. But its time to prove to him my love for him.

Sorry guys its very long.......

So now u know the story, what the best to do to get him back. or do i really have a chance. Cheers!

 

 

Sweetheart God does have mercy for you...and that is why it is no coincidence that you found Loveshack and all the people on thes boards and threads who want to halp you. So Please PAY ATTENTION. It's great that you wrote this story out, it's in front of you. Because months from now, you will have proof of just how far or distorted a perspective of love can be. I mean all throughout it, you write about crying (both of you, arguing, both of you and his wants and your wants are not being met) Yet you think love is suffering. You have documented jsut that point. Many of us think that our pain and fighting to keep a love that is distressful is LOVE. No it's not. It's just dependecy. Love is a complete sense of freedom. Sometimes a relationship is meant to last for a short period of time. People met and connect and then it ends. Not accepting that is the ccasue of us clinging and hanging on. THIS PART IS PAINFUL. this is when we struggle not to let go. We love them. Now you are dependent. You are not close you have become addicted. Your bf cares for you, but within him is the need to let go. He loves you, but please try to understand..he wants to let go. Of course he is feeding you words which confuses you, because he doesn't dislkie yu...BUT now this is where NC plays a huge part.

 

You are not weak. don't ever tell yourself this poison again!! You have the strength to do NC. It's in you. It is for your own benefit. To make yourself stronger. It's not retailiation, it's not hatred for the partner it's not revenge. IT'S FOR YOUR OWN SALVATION. No one can help you in thid part. You must decide, do I love me and want to be out of ain or do I want to continue dwon the same path and getting the same result. Every minte ask yourself this. This is how y0u get to understand NC.

[Baby]

Hi i just came back from a movie. I also finish readin my book at a Starbuck. It was a very moving book. Its called History of Love. I have to get out of my house and do sometin. The weekends is the most heartbreakin for me.

 

He doesnt want to let me go. Why are u out to hurt me. how do u know what he wants or not wants. I know i ask you how you feel. and I thank you.

 

He is not a cruel person to feed me things he dont meant only to shield me from pain. He knows what Ive gone thru. he was there for me the most part. he witness how I was and was there holding my hands entire time. Hes my best friend as I am his.

I have seen umpteenth time where he said NO to things i want. And then the next day or time, he bought me or give the exact same thing that he said no to. he knows how much I have gone thru and he witness my weakness and strength. Im sure he know how to evaluate and value me, his wounded friend. who come to him to be with him. he knows when he found me i was not whole.

he has told me we will meet again no doubt. He even applied a job near my country so we can be together. but in another place and time and place wud be better he said. A clean slate. All his future plans, or buys includes me in it. When he want to buy an oven or a new car he has me in mind. Or to remodel his bathroom thats suppose to be for me and him. he discuss with me how its gonna be. He has a WE or OUR in everything he said. He still mention his possession as ours. "our" this or "our" that....he also say to write my name on his mast on both side now instead of the front (thats where i wrote it before) cuz the rope keeps rubbing on it.

But he wants me to be better first and love myself and he wants to help me. cuz now he cant believe my sincerity. Some friends do stick around and some dont. Real friends dont forsake you. And isnt suprise by yr mistakes. A real one wud expect them. Somewhere faily early in the relationship, a good friend will find out the truth abt you. Theyll witness your weakness firsthand and at this point that your friend will decide to stick by anyway.

A real friend wud put her arm around you and say dont worry abt it. every one has a bad day now and then. even if uve had 10 bad days in a row.

I believe him and I have faith in us. I was brought down to my knees by these experience. I ve been the chosen one. This is given to me alone. And its up to me, to embrace this totally or be angry at it. And it took another special person to pass that lesson to me. him. I know now he was given to me to help me. I always wonder why. Its to find myself. it shook my whole world upside down. Its the most profound experience. Whos to know it take me a half a world away to learn me a lesson.

W/o him, I wud always be the person I am. who doesnt know how to appreciate another person, his kindness and love to his fullest. I am the shallow one and I am the one whos not in his league.

Its the most bitter concoction any man has to swallow but it will be the only cure for me. The pain is so acute. In the end, if i m really patient and persevere and think positive of whys this should happen to me, and learn from it, Im sure i will come out triumph. And it will be so sweet. I got him so easy in the beginning that i lose sight and i got cocky. I got him on a silver platter. But i sabotage it. Nothin is sure in life. even when ure so sure, next minute youre spinning around 180 degrees and youre thrown in another place, another situation.

 

Now i have to earn him. It wont be easy anymore. But hes so worthy and it will be worth my while. You cud also say ah shes in complete denial. She puts him on the highest pedestal ...we all wants what we cant have. ...if we all just give up on the first storm that come our life, if we dont have hope and vision and dream, what will life be. it ll be just an empty one with no hopes, aspirations nor drive. I gone thru so much i know what is good and worth savings. he waited for me to come around a long time now its my turn to wait.

I cud just go ahead and marry him when he was so crazy for me that time but I wont. Cus then it wud be so wrong. It wud only becuz i wanted a job in his country or use him for my own personal gain. but i didnt want that if i were to marry someone it has to be cuz im so crazy and love him over the top. His life is not a game neither is mine.

I have no one in my life. I always has been alone. i dont have friends i dont have family. Im pretty much on my own. And i can be happy in my own company. Even if i cried alone or laugh alone. but it sure is sweeter when u have someone to share it with. drink coffee with. goes to bookstore with. have a conversation with. share yr most innermost fear and secrets. have someone to come home to.

My journey has its own twist and turn. He found me. I have faith Ill meet him again. You can say theres no hope he want to let go......but kindness and sincerity has touches people and has move mountains. And bring down tears to most hard core heart. His own kindness has move me and realise what I have in front of me. he has made me see things in different angles and perspective.

Relationship isnt easy. much more from a dif culture, world, religion, colours, beliefs, background, Totally. All We have is tremendous love for each other and respect. love conquers all they say and love is also gonna be the one to find its way back home.

please pray for me. And to those whos in love and is with someone, i pray you ll be together for a long long time. Honest Love completes us and makes us a better person and brings out the best in everyone.

I believe. even when the whole world is against me.

[In Sync]

Your post was sooo long and without clarity that all I can say is...ok. Sometimes people on the boards write that they are unhappy and detail their relationships. And they seek advice. Then there are those of us who read the posts filled with despair and based on that info offer advice that is tough to swallow but it it what it is advice. Next the person who originally wrote the post, either takes it in the advice or becomes defensive and says you don't understand me, they defend their ex tooth and nail and write

'you are being mean'. ? Hmmm, At this point I can only respond...if you're happy in your situtation then ignore the advice!

Life is real simple.

[Baby]

sorry abt the post. I read it again and yes it shows i was really confuse. Basically i just wanna say this profoud thing has brought me down to my knee. a kick in my ass. I can either embrace it or be angry. and never change myself.

I m not in denial. I feel deep down, right here, we're going to meet again. he can either come n visit me. who knows?

like fooled said, if u want someting badly enuff, u make it happen. u figure it out. and true love does come back.

[Baby]

And you dont have to reply if you dont like it too.

Thats simpler.

[tearful_soul22]

I was reading your post and like IS i am at a lost too! I don't quite get the picture. You seem sad, unsure, and confused. Although, it does sound a wee bit like my story before. This guy is giving you the whole perspective of things to come, eg..getting a job near you, starting over, clean slate..but was there any mention of marriage and family? Just because a guy gives you stuff or do stuff for you doesn't mean he's perfect. And why are you so dependent on him? Some of us are alone and we're making it all right in this world. You have to work on your self-esteem first and stand on your own two feet. Don't be so clingy to this guy cause he might take off and run without looking back. I've been in your circumstances before and i know it isn't an easy task to tackle. I've lost that special one that got away because of my own doing and until now i am still suffering the consequences for my actions. I don't mean to sound fatalistic...but sometimes, letting GO is the only answer. Everything depends on you and how you want your life to turn out. You make your own destiny. Good luck to you!