beangirl46 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Dear all, I had written my ex for 4 years-- between the ages of 19 and 22-- with descriptions of events in my life, reflections, expressions of love, etc. He has our correspondence over these 4 years saved in the inbox of his hotmail account. Since we broke up, I have been requesting a copy of all those emails. He's NC-ing me and does not reply. He did not reply for my initial request for material things I had left in his apartment either. I had to email his dad, and only then did he send me those things. I just emailed his family today for the second time, asking that they put pressure on their son to send me a copy of those emails. Since I wrote his family earlier today, I have been having a huge headache. I worry I am hurting my ex, even though he's not been all that nice (and I know it too-- still I feel guilty I may be hurting him._ I dislike taking a harsh tone with the family. I dislkie even writing them. I dislike not getting my emails even though I have asked repeatedly. Do you think I am pyscho/off-base for asking for these letters back, and making an effort to get them, even though it gives me a headache? Do you think I should let these letters go, and just move on to other things, even though I feel it's an injustice I can't have a copy of them? That's all I can write at the moment. Need to lay down or take a tylenol. -BeanGirl
Guest Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Get over it. They are at his disposal and you should not force him to return them to you.
Mary3 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Those letters belong to the owner now in possession. You cannot expect him or his family to send them to you. If I am sending a particularly poignant love letter I first copy and paste it and send it to myself and put it in a folder. That way you will always have the memories ( almost like a journal ) of how you felt at that moment. You can also type the email and then hit print and print it out for your journal.
Author beangirl46 Posted April 2, 2006 Author Posted April 2, 2006 Mary3, Thanks for your reply. Does it not make any difference that I'm only asking for a *copy* of the emails-- that a copy just be printed out? That is, does it not make a difference that I'm not trying to deprive my ex of ownership of the letters? Also, when you say I cannot "expect" him or his family to send them to me, what does that mean exactly? Does it mean I am not making a reasonable request? Is asking for a material possession back-- like sneakers-- somehow more reasonable than asking for a copy of an email? I had been saving our correspondence all along, but they got erased from my computer before the break up. I wanted a copy of it from my ex's computer even before the break-up, and he knew it, but we never got around to printing them for me. I rested assured with the knowledge that they were being stored in his email account. Does that background make it more right for me to "expect" my emails be sent to me? Do let me know what you think. -BeanGirl
destination_unknown Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 sorry your hurting beangirl, i wouldnt make an issue out of it though, he knows you want them. Contacting his family may have been a boundary for him. if you were using web-based email (hotmail/gmail/yahoo etc) and the mails got deleted then they are gone. but if you sent the mails from outlook express then you should be able to get them back unless you reformatted your hard disk.
Guest Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 He's under no obligation to return them. They do belong to him. He may have deleted them by now for all you know. Yes, I do think those fall under a different category of "ownership" than your personal possesions do.
Mary3 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 In his eyes and his family's eyes this is an unreasonable request. Perhaps he or they fear the misuse of them. Since he is NC'ing you then thats his way of saying leave him alone and he will likely not cooperate. He may down the road but by then he will likely delete them. YOU may get lucky and he just gives them back to you. In the future, when in love , try some of my suggestions in my previous post so you keep memories. My one bf used to send me ecards. They were beautiful and I printed them out right away and have a album of all that we shared. Beautiful emails, ect. Just remember this the next time you are getting serious with someone.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 My ex won't give back a box full of all the cards he gave me over the course of our relationship. They are in his apartment next door to mine and he refuses to acknowledge my requests to give them back to me. I don't know why he's doing this, unless it's just to hurt me. And I can't understand why it would be so hard for your ex to hit the "forward" button on your emails to him. If it's something that you need to find closure for yourself, then why would he not want to help give that to you. This issue isn't about who "owns" what, it's about doing the right thing.
dgiirl Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I can appreciate why you want the letters. However, if he's refusing to give them to you, then just move on. If you demanded your sneakers and he was putting up this type of fight, I'd say the same thing. The value of the sneakers is NOT worth all this anxiety and turmoil. Yes, it sucks, but your stressing yourself so much that's it's causing headaches. You need to be realistic about the situation. It's just letters, and it's something you are trying to control him into doing and he's saying No way, and it's bothering you, so he's winning! What if he didnt HAVE the letters? Surely, you would still live? Just chaulk it up to him being a d*ck and just move on. Some things are simply not worth the headaches.
Author beangirl46 Posted April 3, 2006 Author Posted April 3, 2006 Thanks, everyone, for your replies. It has helped a great deal to share this and to hear your perspectives. Pretty tired at the moment, but will write more later.
Author beangirl46 Posted April 4, 2006 Author Posted April 4, 2006 Thanks for your lovely advice, guest, but I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to do, so get over YOURself. I can "get over" this emotionally, but I cannot and will not "get over" the injustice of the situation. Rather, it will be the fire that leads me to do good. And if I ever run into that loser, I'm going to sock him in the stomach.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Wow beangirl , why the violence ? I'm thinking it was probably because her ex ended things in an unnecessarily cruel and disrespectful way. I can understand her rage and feeling that she was unjustly treated. I will never understand how someone can be so cruel towards someone that they once claimed to love...especially if those professions of love were made very close to the break-up.
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