Depressing Guest Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 i'm not very good with forums, but what the hell. i was dating a woman for more than 6 years. we've had our share of struggles, but i guess i always thought our ability to overcome them was one of the strong points of our relationship. for example, once several years ago, we broke up. it was a really nasty break-up, i guess you'd say. she cheated on me, and we were living together. i was so hurt. i just knew, and she wasn't owning up to it. after 4 months of not being together, she came clean, told me it was a horrible thing for her to have done, but that it made her realize how important i was to her. i was distrustful, but i learned to forgive, and i felt like we had grown as people somehow, and our relationship became a lot stronger. we started living together again and it was great. two years ago, we moved together to a small(ish) college town so that she could get a terminal degree. it was a BIG decision for me, as i would basically be biding my time while she did what was best for her. i was really happy that she had the opportunity she did, and i was also ready for a change, but i knew it wasn't going to be easy for me. i thought it was okay because it would be temporary, and we had agreed that the next move would be mine. pretty immediately after we decided to move, we started having problems with sex. she told me it was just stress, not to worry. and i didn't. this continued for a while, and each time we talked about it, it seemed that there was a reason. after a while, she told me she thought it might be a physical problem, vestibulitis, and she started seeing a doctor. she said it had happened to her at other times in her life. it seemed to come and go. we had many long talks about it, and i was trying to be patient and understanding. i was however getting very frustrated. but we agreed that we could work it out. she always assured me that she was attracted to me, and wanted to be with me for life, despite my feelings that maybe somehow it was me, that she just wasn't attracted to me, or i that wasn't doing the right things. things were going okay, and about a year ago she asked me to marry her. i was delighted. my family was delighted. our friends were delighted. my one stipulation was that we seriously seek help for our sexual problems. she agreed, and started to see a counseller. things seemed to be good. about two months ago, she met a boy here. i say a boy, because he is young, attractive. he called her up to get coffee or whatever, and she seemed to think it was a little strange. i told her if she thought it was strange, she shouldn't accept. but i guess she did, and the next time we talked about it, i told her it made me uncomfortable that she was hanging out with this guy (only) when i wasn't around. she assured me they were just friends, and told me she thought it was wrong for me to not let her have male friends. i told her i just didn't feel good about this particular situation, and she agreed not to see him out of consideration for my feelings. weeks pass and one day she casually mentions that she had hung out with this guy. i hadn't even thought about it really since we talked before. we talked again and it turns out that she never stopped seeing him, and had in fact been hanging out with him on a regular basis ever since their first contact. well i was rather mad. she then said she didn't want to stop seeing him, and that she no longer wanted to get married. and that she was attracted to this other guy. i asked her to stay at a friend's house for a while, and now it's been over two weeks. when i told friends what was going on they all said the same types of things to me--that people about to get married go through the hardest times in their lives, fight constantly or whatever. part of me wanted to chauk this up to pre-marital stress. getting married isn't even the only stress in our lives right now. members of our family are dying, getting divorced, all kinds of f***ed up stuff. one night during this separation i went out to get a drink and talk with a friend. when we were leaving the bar, i had this sinking feeling that she was seeing the 'other guy' at that moment. i went by the place she was staying, and sure enough he walks up--at 2:30 in the morning. when i confronted her about it, she maintains that they are only friends. i am of course having trouble believing that. each time we talk, it seems to get progressively worse. at first it was 'i don't want to get married right now.' then, 'i don't know how i feel about you.' then 'i'm not attracted to you anymore,' then 'i don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.' then 'i haven't been attracted to you for the last two years.' this is all in the span of a week or so, and all we can seem to do is fight. we are living separately, and she seems to be doing her best to block me out. i told her i would have to move away if we were not in a committed relationship. i moved here only to support her, and there's not much to keep me here other than that. talking seems to get us nowhere. she feels like we've talked too much and she's said everything, i feel like i'm just getting a bunch of 'i don't know's and no clear sign of her feelings. what's worse is that this has followed almost exactly the pattern of our previous break-up. almost play for play. she insists that we go to couples therapy, but i am baffled. what's the point of that if you are not committed to being in a relationship? she says she just wants us to be able to communicate so we can be friends. all this has happened so fast, and there was no real warning. i guess i just don't know what to do. after two weeks of this, she is ready to give up our entire life together? she asked me to marry her! she says she wants to be alone, and that she's never done that for herself. i don't want to be with someone i can't trust, but i am really in love with this woman, and i've made so many sacrifices for our relationship. we've been through so much, and worked out so many things already over the years, that i just can't see why it stops here. i am and have been willing to do anything (other than live with deceit), but she says she does not want to work anything out, and that i have to accept the situation--that we have broken up and i need to move away. on the surface it seems like, yeah i should just leave and move on. but i feel like so much of what is happening is due to other things that we can change. and that we have already done so much to support each other. depression for example. i think we are both depressed. and being open and honest with each other. i know this is a bunch of 'i said' 'she said' but i guess i am just reaching out for some kind of response.
Mary3 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 first it was 'i don't want to get married right now.'She does not want to marry you period then, 'i don't know how i feel about you.' Thats another way for a cowards way of saying I dont feel anything for you and I am too chicken to say it then 'i'm not attracted to you anymore,' For Gods Sake she is not interested in your appearance and is not attracted to anything ABOUT youthen 'i don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.'Geez how much clearer can she get ? She does not want you or what you have anymore. then 'i haven't been attracted to you for the last two years.'She has basically pretended perhaps to be with you but she has not found you attractive for 2 years Yikes ! I would get out Pronto ! this is all in the span of a week or so,You have none of the components of a great relationship. She is hanging on out of pity. Please respect yourself and get on with your life !
SoleMate Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Time to try Plan A from Dr. Willard Harley, which is the only hope (and it's less than 50/50 in your case) of "getting her back". (Info on the above is available by searching Loveshack.) I would see this r/s with the "boy" as similar to an affair in a married relationship. You can treat her as temporarily off her rocker and infatuated, and in need of firm masculine guidance back home. Or...and I am tending to prefer the following...you can decide she has disqualified herself from ever being married to you. I'm sorry.
Bryanp Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Hello, I am sorry to say but it seems clear that she is cheating on you with this guy. You were planning to get married and she refuses to give up a male friend she hangs with and is very attracted to. She has cheated on you in the past. Your sex life is very bad. Look you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. Actually her words do also. I have to tell you it really sounds like she is using you for her financial support. She has cheated on you in the past and now she has been seeing this other guy behind your back. She does not want to get married to you and tells you she is attractive to this other guy. The chances are great that they have already been intimate. I know it hurts but she is not into you. If the roles had been reversed how do you think she would have been acting. I know that you have invested a lot in this relationship but it takes two and not one to make it work. She is clearly involved with someone else and you are still paying for her financial needs? What is wrong with this picture. She has done this to you previously. What is that old saying: fool me once - shame on you; fool me twice - shame on me. She is disrespecting and humiliating you. It is time for you to move on. You can do better.
Depressing Guest Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 god. i know it seems bad. it IS bad. but our relationship is far from bad. we really love each other, and it shows--normally. this seems like a temporary insanity thing. our life together has been happy and filled with rich, shared experiences. am i really just supposed to walk away from that and not look back over two weeks of insanity?
fooled Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I am sorry to hear this as well. However, she has not made her decision over the course of 2 weeks. She has been cheating on you non-stop for years. I am very sorry to have to tell you this. But I'm sure you feel it in your gut. There is no greater pain. She has lied to you, manipulated you and used you for her benefit. I speak from experience. Go back and read my beginnings on LoveShack. You must get as far away from her as you can as fast as you can. Do it.
Curmudgeon Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 If nothing else, she sounds quite unstable and undependable. Marriage won't fix it. I'd give her a wide berth and get on with my life without her.
Guest Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 i never had any illusions that marriage would "fix" any problems. And, she has not been "cheating on me non-stop for years." We have had a wonderful relationship, with the exception of a few really aweful times, now being the last of them. Perhaps my message was misleading that way? It's not like we weren't close, we've lived together for more than four years! She *does* seem unstable and undependable right now. it's like some switch went off. and i do tend to think of this as temporary insanity. when this happened before, there was a time when the switch on again. night and day difference. i think we both have problems with depression, and i do think that some unhealthy expression of that is the root of this all. nevertheless, there are some things i've learned in the last day or two. one is that it does me no good really to speculate on what i think is really going on with her. even if i'm right (and i think i probably am). the only thing that will do me good is considering how i feel.
CastingPearls Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I can see you're reluctant to just give up on her and move on, you have invested considerable time and effort to be with her and most people have a hard time cutting their losses and bailing out. You feel that you still have a basis for a solid relationship, but without trust, brother, ya got nothin! Back off on any marriage plans, give each other some room and see how you feel down the road. Good luck. CP
Javelin Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 god. i know it seems bad. it IS bad. but our relationship is far from bad. Bad, but far from bad? My friend, your 'relationship' couldnt get any worse. we really love each other, and it shows--normally. this seems like a temporary insanity thing. our life together has been happy and filled with rich, shared experiences. You love her, she does not love you. You're being played as the fool and you know this, why fight it?! You either love someone 100% of the time or you don't love them at all. am i really just supposed to walk away from that and not look back over two weeks of insanity? You'll be walking away from torture and torment, not happiness. You fiance or whatever is not who or what you think and denial is only holding you back. Read your post as if you were someone else, word for word. Then contrast for a few hours and think about your REAL position in this relationship.
francis Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 "Read your post as if you were someone else, word for word. Then contrast for a few hours and think about your REAL position in this relationship." Javelin, this is very good advice DG, you gotta be brave here. do exactly what Javelin says. Re-read your post as if reading someone else's life story. try to see your situation subjectively. by writing it all out as you have done, it's a great way of actually evaluating your situation. if you were to agree with me that what you've written is a true reflection of what has been happening in your life and relationship, then I am afraid you have a serious problem that has been spinning out of your control for a long time. as long, that is, as you have allowed this to go on around you, to you. it's time to take control of your life, stop allowing this girl to effectively ruin your chances of real happiness. stay strong. it's hard. i know.
tigger Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 It hurts, but prolonging your pain isn't going to make it easier. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 13 years. He cheated on me with my best friend. I hung around because I just knew he loved me and we were meant to be together, when in reality, I was afraid I wouldn't find someone to love me, and wondered how I was going to find someone to love me. You have very good morals when it comes to relationships, you should expect the same in return. Don't waste more of your life with this unhappiness. Work through this hard part, and once that is done, open yourself up to someone who deserves your commitment! She certainly doesn't. If you let her continue to do this to you, she will continue to do this to you. I almost guarantee once she realizes you have given up on her, she'll want you back again. That's where you strength will really need to come in - don't go back. Take care of you - because you are the only one who can!!!!
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