guest Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Does anyone have to deal with your bf getting mad and they not speaking to you? What do you do about it?
Mary3 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 You completely ignore his immature behavior and go out with your girlfriends
destination_unknown Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I dealt with this on consistant basis with my ex. For me, its ridiculous and they dont seem to see that we are left in agony hanging and not having a clue what is going on. Thats the thing though, they dont see it. Nothing you do or say will make them snap out of it, you just have to wait until they decide to talk again. YOU have to decide if this is acceptable behaviour to you. The problem is, when they do decide to re-engage in the relationship they usually dont want to talk about what happened to cause them to dis-engage. This means the problems don't get resolved. Is that what you want for your relationship - to be afraid to voice any complaint because you are afraid they will just take off and you dont hear anything? What if you have kids with them and they take off every time there is conflict? There are probably deep-rooted psychological reasons that they avoid conflict so drastically but its their responsibility to learn that this is not a productive way to relate to you.
Candied-Heart Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I've found that BF will speak until he gets tired of the argument persisting. Whilst most women, as destination_unknown touched on, will want to resolve everything and have a sense of 'closure' to the fight, the man will want to avoid conflict and get away from the situation the best way he knows how. For my BF it is a simple kiss on my face, he tells me he loves me and and he will leave to go and wash his car. He has time to think this way, and I have time to get my thoughts in order, whilst I hate this at the best of times, I must admit it does help me get to the point as to exactly why I am pissed and he has time to cool off to face me in a more calm manner. Then we talk much more effectively. As Destination_unknown said, and I believe somewhat, it is something from their past that makes them behave this way. I believe with my BF it was his long term relationship with his Ex. He is simply afraid of conflict these days. After 5 years of drama, he switches off.. not good for me, but it's his way of dealing at present time and we are working on this.
luvtoto Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Myself, I hate conflict and hate drama. If I get upset about something my BF does, I will avoid him a bit. I sometimes don't even know myself why I am bothered, so why drag him into it. I do not go out of my way to be around him, for fear that I will cause and argument. I am NOT saying this is the best way to handle things. Open communication is always better. But, like I said, I don't want him dragged into my irrational thinking sometimes. I am glad you posted this topic, I just might learn something here.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Does anyone have to deal with your bf getting mad and they not speaking to you? What do you do about it? What does get mad about? What sets him off? Does he have anger issues? Don't ignore him back, you let him know that you won't put up with that crap from him, that if he is angry at you then the best way to deal with it is to be honest and say whatever is on his mind. The silent treatment is one of the most disrespectful and rude things someone can do. I'm sure it makes you feel awful when he acts like that. (He is being immature too!)
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Myself, I hate conflict and hate drama. If I get upset about something my BF does, I will avoid him a bit. I sometimes don't even know myself why I am bothered, so why drag him into it. I do not go out of my way to be around him, for fear that I will cause and argument. I am NOT saying this is the best way to handle things. Open communication is always better. But, like I said, I don't want him dragged into my irrational thinking sometimes. I am glad you posted this topic, I just might learn something here. The problem I have with open communication all the time is that a lot of the talk talk talk is BS and venting, anyways. Why not get your BS and venting out by yourself, and then re-convene at a later time when you're both in a better mind state to actually discuss it openly, without all the stress and stuff? I cannot handle people being upset at me. I freak out. So I avoid being around people if I'm upset or irritable, for their own safety ()....but IMO, my exH used to push push push me to talk to him when I wasn't ready to talk in a calm manner yet. We would get into marathon arguments that lasted for hours because he could not understand that I get over loaded with too much emotion and I need a break. Sometimes a break to calm down or sort your own thoughts out is a good thing. If pressed to talk before I'm ready you won't be able to talk things out with me anyways, my thoughts are jumbled and I make no sense.
luvtoto Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 The problem I have with open communication all the time is that a lot of the talk talk talk is BS and venting, anyways. Why not get your BS and venting out by yourself, and then re-convene at a later time when you're both in a better mind state to actually discuss it openly, without all the stress and stuff? I cannot handle people being upset at me. I freak out. So I avoid being around people if I'm upset or irritable, for their own safety ()....but IMO, my exH used to push push push me to talk to him when I wasn't ready to talk in a calm manner yet. We would get into marathon arguments that lasted for hours because he could not understand that I get over loaded with too much emotion and I need a break. Sometimes a break to calm down or sort your own thoughts out is a good thing. If pressed to talk before I'm ready you won't be able to talk things out with me anyways, my thoughts are jumbled and I make no sense. Thank Blind Otter. I feel normal when people agree with me. A break is a good thing, like you said, to calm down and examine your own thoughts. If he calls, I will talk to him, but I'll avoid any topic close to my problem. He ends up not even knowing that I had a problem. I feel as though I did him a favor. Talk talk talk is just BS! Exactly, BO! However, the 'silent treatment' is just plain emotional abuse. Is that what is happening?
blind_otter Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 However, the 'silent treatment' is just plain emotional abuse. Is that what is happening? I agree, that's something different entirely. But I sometimes wonder if the people I date, who get upset with me for withdrawing when I'm upset, don't realize that some people just need time to cool off, and if they wait and bring it up after that fact that things can get resolved much easier?
2sunny Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 What about the possibility of having him write a note to you expressing his concerns? This way he is not having to talk about it; this also gives you mental time to consider his feelings and your viewpoint. When the conversation starts - then each of you should be able to be rational and understand ahead of time what the issue involves.... thus trying to resolve the matter more effectively without the hurtful feelings...
confusedgeek Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Maybe Ill throw my two cents here coming from a guy's perspective. I havent gotten to an argument once yet with my girlfriend, however... There are little things that the sister or the mom does that makes me mad. For example, while cooking food, they would point out at the things im doing wrong as im preparing a meal. While this does seem minor, it angers me quite a bit. Now with that being said. I could ask them to go away and leave me alone while cooking. But this doesnt help. I've asked numerous times and yet they still criticize my kitchen skills. Given that, i've asked them to stop, they continue to do it. I could: a) make my anger visible. b) stay silent. And let the anger go away afterwards c) go rambo and start waving the kitchen knife. I stay silent to avoid making my anger shown. It is less of a hassle, less trouble, and less painful. Now while others may not agree with this choice. I'd rather stay silent rather than show my anger. Being angry just causes more pain to others. - ConfusedGeek
Mary3 Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I liked Candied Hearts response best. If you are both in a heated debate and he shuts down , let him step outside and regroup after he's had time to think. Or you for the matter . When someone is upset and you PUSH PUSH for them to continue to *get it all out *, there could be some very unkind words said, that are hard to take back. For me personally , if I see its just hitting brick walls, then stop for a moment and reflect outside of yourself , looking back in at yourself , and asking" Is this really worth it for me to continue this tirade when I can just calm down and we talk about this when we have cooled off ?" I think so
luvtoto Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 I agree, confused. Getting pissed off and angry about stuff only makes matters worse. Trying to talk about your issues when you are still feeling hurt usually leads to an argument. Example: My BF didn't invite me along with him to his son's pre-prom party. I've known his kid for 4 yrs. I used to do his laundry and clean his room when I lived with them. It hurt my feelings that he didn't invite me. A week later, I figured out for myself that he was probably being respectful to his XW. I mean, to bring your GF to *their* kid's function. That is kinda tacky. Huh? I knew I was being irrational!
2sunny Posted April 2, 2006 Posted April 2, 2006 Maybe Ill throw my two cents here coming from a guy's perspective. I havent gotten to an argument once yet with my girlfriend, however... There are little things that the sister or the mom does that makes me mad. For example, while cooking food, they would point out at the things im doing wrong as im preparing a meal. While this does seem minor, it angers me quite a bit. Now with that being said. I could ask them to go away and leave me alone while cooking. But this doesnt help. I've asked numerous times and yet they still criticize my kitchen skills. Given that, i've asked them to stop, they continue to do it. I could: a) make my anger visible. b) stay silent. And let the anger go away afterwards c) go rambo and start waving the kitchen knife. I stay silent to avoid making my anger shown. It is less of a hassle, less trouble, and less painful. Now while others may not agree with this choice. I'd rather stay silent rather than show my anger. Being angry just causes more pain to others. - ConfusedGeek CG- You could calmly respond with "It is hurtful when you do this to me." It is a statement and does not require them to respond, however, it does allow them to understand how their actions/words are affecting your feelings. They, in turn, should acknowledge mentally what they have done even if they don't speak of the incident itself. This may work, it is worth a try! PS. I should know as my mother in law used to pull that stuff all the time on me and my kids. When I took this approach, she stopped because she was suddenly called on the carpet without being able to respond... (defend herself or make excuses). If I tried just pointing it out to her - she would totally deny it or say that I misinterpretted her! That is why I started with the comment reccomended - no need for her to respond, she just knew she was "caught" soooooo thus - It is hurtful when you do/say that! Worked for me!
PlentyLV007 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Does anyone have to deal with your bf getting mad and they not speaking to you? What do you do about it? W/ my ex...I use to be that way. Then I asked him why he would be quite when I'm trying to talk to him and he told me because no matter what he would try to say, it wouldn't matter because I was always right.
Pyro Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Does anyone have to deal with your bf getting mad and they not speaking to you? What do you do about it? There is really not much that you can do except explain to him that his attitude is very childish and that he needs to act his age because you will not date a child. Usually a guy will act this way because he does not know how to properly express his feelings toward you when it is necessary. It is unfortunate because alot of guys believe that load of BS that they shouldn't express how they feel because it will make them less of a man. A real man will not believe these ridiculous myths and is able to express himself correctly at the correct time.
PlentyLV007 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Usually a guy will act this way because he does not know how to properly express his feelings toward you when it is necessary. It is unfortunate because alot of guys believe that load of BS that they shouldn't express how they feel because it will make them less of a man. A real man will not believe these ridiculous myths and is able to express himself correctly at the correct time. Wow.... U know this sounds a lot like me when it comes to expressing myself verbally w/ my feelings. I mean I usually go with Actions speak louder than words but, I don't like talking about my feelings. My new guy hates that. He tells me he misses me and he cares about me, and digs me and I tell him that's nice. He asks me how I feel and I never answer and I just look away. He gets upset. I mean what's the big deal...? I'm around...I show him I care. I hold him, kiss him, and why do "words" matter?
Pyro Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Wow.... U know this sounds a lot like me when it comes to expressing myself verbally w/ my feelings. I mean I usually go with Actions speak louder than words but, I don't like talking about my feelings. My new guy hates that. He tells me he misses me and he cares about me, and digs me and I tell him that's nice. He asks me how I feel and I never answer and I just look away. He gets upset. I mean what's the big deal...? I'm around...I show him I care. I hold him, kiss him, and why do "words" matter? For some individuals, it takes more than just common things in a realtionship to show someone just how much you care about them and appreciate them. Don't get me wrong, the things that you mentioned are good but going the extra mile really does help.
luvtoto Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Wow.... U know this sounds a lot like me when it comes to expressing myself verbally w/ my feelings. I mean I usually go with Actions speak louder than words but, I don't like talking about my feelings. My new guy hates that. He tells me he misses me and he cares about me, and digs me and I tell him that's nice. He asks me how I feel and I never answer and I just look away. He gets upset. I mean what's the big deal...? I'm around...I show him I care. I hold him, kiss him, and why do "words" matter? Ditto on that. I can relate.
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