monural_plural Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I'll try to make this simple, and maybe this will serve as advice and caution for everyone. Please comment if you've had a similar experience. About 8 months ago a woman on myspace contacted me regarding meeting up (she is now 36). We had sex the first night, I learned that she was in the middle of a separation from her husband (whom she still contacts.) I also learned she had a previous addiction to drugs and alcohol, all of which she has 'seemed' to fix up. I've seen her go through it, and we've been sex partners for about 7 months give or take the last month (unstable timing, long distance, dealing with her mood swings.) She moved away to a big city (Portland) to start her life again after using up her money the first time. I helped her get a job. Saw her progress. Now she is barely paying the bills, her separation money is almost used up, and she's having sex with various men off of craigslist. One thing we both knew from the onset was that we could date others, so we considered it a sex romp with friendship. And we did do that. One night, I got jealous that a guy 'ate her out' off of craigslist (what kind of woman answers craigslist ads, ones for sexual liberation or what?). She left. After that night, about a week later I had a one night stand. I mentioned this to her, and she thought I was giving her a rise. She asked me a couple times about it and called it 'bull****'. She also threated that our time as 'friends' was ending. The next morning, I emailed her saying I was breaking off the relationship for a while (she wasn't concentrating on her life, I was being too involved, she didn't respect my friendship). She pointed the finger at me, saying I was cold. We then talked to smooth things over. She wanted now to 'not have sex', because I viewed it as a 'challenge'. I said no to that, viewed sex and a relationship as a package. She accused me of just using her for sex. After a couple of days of arguing (and her giving me every name in the book), she has apologized for some nasty things she said ('you are the worst lover ever'.) She also says she misses me, and wonders if we are to communicate. I said I would always be her friend, but love is conditional imo. We did spend a lot of time hanging out, doing things. Some of them were good, but some were when she was drunk off her ass, acting like a child. There is a thin line between being caring and respecting a friends boundaries. I have a date this weekend, and I would like not to hurt her anymore. Should I just say I am her friend and slowly wither it away, Or should I ignore her? Keep in mind, I don't know what she'll do and I do not want to get in touch with her husband if you know what I mean. The last I got was a text saying: I miss you sunny here nice there?? really do hope you are well. And a text saying if we were communicating, then one saying that she took me ignoring her as we not talking, 'fair enough'. This was on Tuesday. Should I at least say that I'm healing, or something to that effect to be nice? Remember, she was always allowed to date other people...
ImWithHer Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 So what exactly are you warning against? Women who check out myspace? Women who answer craigslist (whatever the hell that is)? Having a sex buddy? Getting emotionally involved with a sex buddy? I'm kinda confused as to what your point is, exactly.
Author monural_plural Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 Well, I really want more advice as to how I should contact her. I'm in the middle of it so I'm a bit unclear as to what to do. I just feel much of the stuff we have been through would not have happened if a) She still didn't have possible issues with her husband b) She didn't have a drug problem c) She doesn't post adds on craiglist, I'm referring to the casual encounters, basically men/women post for sexual encounters. As logic dictates, the women get to pick from the men. I can vouch for my mistakes too, but I'm just looking for advice as to what to do. Currently, I'm ignoring her.
ImWithHer Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Hmmm... From what I've read, my best advice is DON'T contact her. The relationship sounds like it was dysfunctional from the start. All the reasons you posted are good reasons why this is a Bad Idea. To me it sounds like she's on a sinking ship, and if you keep trying to hook up with her, she's gonna pull you down with her. It will probably hurt to keep away if you really love her like that, but sometimes you just gotta be smart.
SoleMate Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Sounds like you got your feelings involved too quickly, and then you realized she was a bad bet, and now you're sadder and wiser. I think I've heard that story before. Seriously, if you're 36 as opposed to 17, you could have seen this one coming. If you want a serious r/s, you will have to try a different method of meeting women, or at least screen them better before having sex. As to what you should do, it depends on your goals. I REALLY don't understand the reference to her STBXH. What the heck does he have to do with you? If you're through with her, I would suggest just going NC. Especially since you feel the need to heal from what happened.
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