Is this enough to leave?

[Brokensoul]

Let me ask you all this. Would you take all this crap from your husband, or would you leave?

I will start at the begining. He "kissed" another woman (EA too) when I was due with my 2nd child. He racked up $900 worth of phone sex bills a year later. ALWAYS looks at porn, at LEAST once a day. Had secret subscriptions to sex magazines, online porn. And last, but not least, just had an emotional affair that has lasted about 9 months. I found out, he did not confess. Still looking at porn (even saving the clips & pics) still doing stupid little things like that which hurt me.....A LOT!

So, my question, how much would you take? Is this enough to leave my husband?

Yes, I do love him. Why? Because he is my love, the father of my children, my best freind ever...ever.

I dont want marriage counceling, I tried it, IMO waste of time & $.

God, I think about leaving, but I dont really want to.

 

I just want him to love me, and I want to be all he needs. I dont understand why he does the things he does.

I am so so damn lost in his mess.

[MistyGreen]

Brokensoul, i feel for you i really do. I dont know you or your husband but i'll try to give you my advice based on what you have written.

 

Its hard for me to say what i'd do in your position as thankfully i havent been there, but i think your husband is being very selfish. Ok..men like porn, i think we've all established this but there has to be limits. When it starts to infringe on your everyday life as a couple then something needs to be addressed.

Did you marry and have your first child fairly quickly? I'm wondering because maybe he feels he still needs to be 'a lad' maybe he feels that family life and responsibility have come along too quickly and he's panicking...i'm not excusing what he's done, no way, just trying to explain what might be going on in his head.

He needs to know what his behaviour is doing to you. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. He's acting like a single man when clearly he's not and seems to have no thought for your feelings or peace of mind.

I think maybe you and him need to sit and have a good long, no holds barred talk about your relationship, how you both see it and what you both want from it. He needs to realise that your trust in him has been diminshed and that he needs to prove to you that you are the woman he wants to be with. Ask yourself what could be improved in your relationship, maybe both of you could write a wishlist...i mean a list of things you both want from the relationship. Get a sitter, go out together and remember what attracted you to each other in the beginning.

I do think things seriously need to be addressed though as nothing is worth the torment you must be feeling.

You're worthy of love, respect and peace of mind.

[tikigods]

short answer is yes that is enough in my eyes to leave him.

 

Now while I don't think looking at porn is a bad thing when its done in moderation, your husband has crossed that line, and not only that but has also cheated on you in several different ways.

 

Do you want your children growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

[Blind Illusion]

I'm not sure if you aren't interested in therapy as a whole, or just marital counseling. Otherwise I was going to suggest you go on your own, just to get some feedback.

[sylviaguardian]

Broken,

 

If you are asking the question then obviously you think that it is worth leaving over. Sometimes our hearts and minds don't work together and it sounds like your mind is telling you to leave while your heart is telling you to stay.

 

My personal opinion? It's enough to leave. But my personal opinion shouldn't matter because I am not you. I have seen plenty of people on here who have stayed through worse and I have been advised myslef to leave my husband. The point is though, not whether it's enough to leave over but whether you could ever be happy staying with him?

 

At the end of the day your husband appears to have only had EAs and looked at porn. But the main problem is that he doesn't seem to be about to change. Leaving is hard but sometimes people recover quicker when they leave than when they stay. It must be very empowering to say 'I;ve had enough of this cr*p!". I know you have children and that is hard but on the other hand one day your children will find out about your husband's habit and male children will learn that women are commodities who should be used, while female children will learn that women are commodities and that they should take the cr*p that many men dish out. Do you want your children to learn any of this?

 

IMHO opinion it there was a good chance that he would change I would consider it. But from what you write it appears that this is how your life is going to be. Are you willing to accept that?

 

Syl

[OzGirl]

short answer is yes that is enough in my eyes to leave him.

 

Now while I don't think looking at porn is a bad thing when its done in moderation, your husband has crossed that line, and not only that but has also cheated on you in several different ways.

 

Do you want your children growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour?

 

If you had to bet a lot of money on a horse in a race, you would check it's past performance to measure the chances of it's future performance.

 

When universities offer scholarships, they base it on past performance.

 

You have broached this subject with your husband, and not a lot has changed by the sounds of things.

 

My point is - the best predictor of future performance is past performance. Nothing changes unless you change it.

 

Your choices are stay if he changes, leave if he doesn't. Do you really think he's going to change? I don't - sounds to me like he is who he is.

 

As for the question raised above - is this what you think is good enough for your children? Well, what if THEY grow up and find this saved porn on the PC? What if THEY over hear him talking inappropriately to another woman on the phone? What if THEY see him clearly giving you little respect or loving attention?

 

It wasn't until I had a daughter that I realised I'd never forgive myself if she brought home a boyfriend who was like her father.

 

So, I left him.

 

That was over 5 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did. Yes - it was hard to accept life was changing direction. Yes - it was hard to tell my extended family and have to distance myself from his. And, yes, it was almost too much of a big deal to actually think I could do it.

 

But, my daughter still sees him almost 50% of the time over each month, and she is unaffected for the arrangement, in that she is happy and confident.

 

I'm renovating a house at the moment - by myself. She saw me with a cordless drill in my hand changing handles on cupboards and said to me in all of her 6 year old wisdom, "I know most mothers don't do these things, but I'm really glad you do - because I like the new handles".

 

Instead of a mother who was repressed and tired and emotionally barren, she now has one who shows her the fruits of tenacity, what it's like to forgive myself if I make a mistake, and that you can do anything if you put your mind to it.

 

I look at her and I know it was the right thing to do. I need no other evidence.

[catgirl1927]

Wow. I think you should take Ozgirl's very very good advice. If you don't think that you are worth better treatment than he's giving you, don't you think your kids need to have a better example set for them? Having your husband being neglectful and cruel (lies, letting you know without a doubt that he's not attracted to you) that's going to wear you down and destroy your self esteem. Imagine how that will affect your children. They know when you're smiling through gritted teeth. Get out. He doesn't love you, because he's not man enough to see what he's got. Let him go.

[MrsHellFire]

Is your hubby putting any effort into this marriage?