kissmeno? Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Hello long lost sister! My dear, you and I are in the same boat. Incase any Husbands are reading this, let me tell you how us wives feel about your porn....(ladies, please correct me if I am wrong) 1. Not pretty/sexy enough 2. Not good enough 3. Fat - we are not all that skinny, blonde, and gorgeous 4. Betrayed - if the have us, why do they need them? (porno chicks) 5. Inadaquate - I dont quite move, suck, f**k like that 6. Betrayed - yes, you are giving your focus/time/sexual energy to another woman (even if she isnt even really there!) I was in the process of ironing my husbands pants (4 work) when I stumbled upon him looking at porn. I was so freaking pissed! I have tits, I have a vagina, come look at mine! I will let you! A%$hole. I will even let you touch! MEN will NEVER understand a womans feelings towards porn. NEVER!
Lennox Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I think you have one of two things happening here. Either your H is a porn addict and medicating himself with the porn and masturbation and needs therapy by a therapist that specializes in sexual addictions...or he's a selfish oaf that doesn't give a damn about how offended you are by his porning. In this sense, you are right when you expect him to stop because of the love he should have for you. You have every right to feel the way you do about his porn use. It's not ok with you and therefore it's a problem in your marriage. Contrary to the common thinking here...men don't NEED porn. We need things like food, water, shelter, etc to live, but not porn. And don't listen to anyone here that questions your self esteem on this issue. If you didn't have self esteem, you would just sit quietly and put up with his porn use because you would be afraid to speak your mind and lose him. You have a right to a porn free life if that's what you need. Go together to a counselor that specializes in sexual addictions in order to ascertain whether that's truly your h's problem or not. If it is, you might want to reconsider leaving him and allowing him to address his problems in a recovery mode. While I agree that this problem probably doesn't have anything to do with you, it certainly has an affect on your life.
michelangelo Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 L, You write: "Either your H is a porn addict and medicating himself with the porn and masturbation and needs therapy by a therapist that specializes in sexual addictions...or he's a selfish oaf that doesn't give a damn about how offended you are by his porning." There are more choices than this! She doesn't give enough detail for that kind of definitive assessment--all negative btw.
MistyGreen Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 This is something that confuses the hell outta me lol on the one hand i can totally see her point of view because i have had experience of this and i know how it made me feel. I've had to do a hell of a lot of soul searching and its only my love for him and my dogged determination to 'understand' him thats stopped me tearing myself apart over this subject. I suffer from extreme low self esteem, i start counselling next week and hope to be back to my old confident self some day soon. One of the most important things i think you have to do is TALK to him about how this makes you feel. If he's been doing this for years he probably doesnt see any harm in it and doesnt realise how much this is denting your confidence. Its two seperate issues here. He's with you, your his choice of partner, out of all the women in the world, he saw something in you which made him want to marry you, which i think is pretty damn amazing, you must have some wonderful qualities. Then there is the fantasy/release issue. I think watching porn for men is a kind of 'release'. They dont have to worry if the woman is enjoying herself, they dont have to worry about their performance (cos men worry too) and its something that most of us know makes us feel great. I dont think its a reflection on how the man feels about his partner/wife. I watch porn with my partner now...something i didnt think i'd ever do, and i really enjoy it...if anything, its brought me closer to him as i can share and talk to him about things i've never talked to anyone before...my private fantasies etc. I do think that there needs to be some kind of boundaries so each knows what makes the other uncomfortable. I also think that maybe you too suffer from low self esteem and could benefit from talking to someone about things...it does help. Dont give up on a (from what i read) good marriage over something which COULD in fact make your marriage stronger. You never know, if you talk to him about how you feel about this, he may surprise you. Good luck.
zarathustra Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Girl, I was engaged to a porn addict myself. I didn't mind it so much, so long as he loved me, but that's just me. I found some of what 'turned him on' disgusting and repulsive, as long as he didn't expect me to engage in the same stuff, I'd let him be. One day, I came home and he said that he wanted a threesome... tirelessly I keep pushing it off... finally, I said sure only if its with another guy and that I can watch the guy go down on him. Never brought up the threesome again. Neither did we get married, but it was not the porn that tore us apart.
Art_Critic Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 While I agree that this problem probably doesn't have anything to do with you, it certainly has an affect on your life. Speaking as someone who views porn and loves it any time I have viewed porn and let it get in the way of a relationship it was not the porn that was the problem.. The porn was a symptom of something wrong in the relationship
Guest Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Originally Posted by catgirl1927 7 years? and you're 24? So you got married at 17? I got married in HS. 6 years married, 7 years together
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I also believe maybe, it is possible, that you're not comfortable with your own body. Meaning, pleasuring yourself, enjoying masterbating alone. There isn't anything wrong with it. I don't watch porn that often, but when I do, I get into it and it's FUN, it's a different feeling getting off...More selfish and more ME ME ME ... So, that is more than likely the feel your husband is getting from porn. I do agree with A_C, maybe the porn is masking a real issue between the two of you. Please talk to your husband, he is someone you should be able to say anything to BECAUSE he is your husband.
Guest Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I am at 'ends' if this response will respond to some of the 'issues' read over a betrayal of love or loss of. I certainly do not speak for others but my experience at hand. Over the course of time involved with the love of my life, we endured many outcomes that did not work out in my mind at the time to my liking or understanding. Yet, I have 'learned' much acceptance of love in my mind and heart to an even keel of sorts to not be judgemental nor justify as I have witnessed and read if not heard others speak of their finality or divorce or wrong unfairness ect. What I have realized throughout my experience of true love or lack of is that 1. Love is an unspoken work or words that actions 'may' justify. 2. Love is truly unconditional especially if this is what is felt in the heart and soul 3. Love is unpredictable if not joyous at its height and downright cruel and lifeshattering at its lows. 4. Love is also accepting yourself and to those you truly love with all their indiosynocrasies {sp?} as well as their offers to others be it in work or life to others, [my life viewpoint]. 5. Love is charitable, given if this is a choice and and a character of them, and not a competitive game. 6. Love is consistant that you believe and feel, not hear from others or by whim to right a wrong or visa versa. 7. Love is definitely a unforgiving as well as a giving and knowing the difference 8. Love is when they never ever leave your thoughts regardless right or wrong even moreso when you see and 'understand' the why when others would create fiasco as to why it is not., who asked them anyway? 9. Love is neither right or wrong but from the heart. 10. Love is what you feel no matter what day it is, year, or the whys it just is and you can't imagine turning away in their time of need or hurt. 11. Love is when they touch you and only they can make you feel that way. 12. Love is a yearning for them and never imagining 'them' not being there or in your heart. 13. Love is when you awake each morning, whisper their name, speak their way, enrich their life, and hear him/her say or feel calling your way 14. In all that they do no matter how small or large, hear or unsaid, feel or yearn to feel is all that would make you/your life a bigger and brighter life if for just the moment...remembering-- yesterday, today and hoping for tomorrow. This is how I feel about my love. The man that changed my life. That gave me the chance when all others looked away, Forgiven soul that he is and was, and how I will never be or feel the same since I first laid eyes on him and felt him reach out his arm and hand to stop and tell me... and I have never ever ever stopped feeling the love I felt the moment he looked at me touched me and loves me as he, or felt the love for any one person in my life because of him. I feel blessed happy and in love but it has not been without all the ups and downs and woe be gone, enriched or saddened beyond words because of his expression of hate and love. Yet, his belief followed his love and because of his consistancy and his strength to shower his love for me., I will forever love him till the end of time. I am in love and always will be ~ As know other.
catgirl1927 Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Originally Posted by catgirl1927 7 years? and you're 24? So you got married at 17? I got married in HS. 6 years married, 7 years together Wow. Were you pregnant? I know how you feel, betrayed and unloved. I feel the same way about those women because they are perfect and I am not. Everyone here is right, you have to talk to him about it.
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