newbby Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 In fact, the illicit quality of this relationship detracts from it, rather than adds to it. For me, anyhow. To suggest otherwise would mean that if this person was available to be with on a full-time basis, the relationship would lose its allure, and I'd move on and no longer be interested. That's kind of shallow, no? If anything, the fact that it remains illicit seems to be what makes most people move on after awhile. so true, the illicit part is stressful, not exciting. however, i am speaking as a woman, as are all of us who have said this, and perhaps owl has a different perspective as a man, and especially as a married man. maybe the pull for mm is the excitement that having an affair brings, esp in contrast to the comfortably dull married existence. not saying that this is all affairs, but for the most part, the ow and the mm are coming from entirely different places. ow is fantasizing about a real relationship, and mm is fantasizing about and mostly enjoying in reality an exciting, illicit, sexual experience with another woman at the same time as having his comfortable, real relationship with his wife. i believe that in the majority of cases, this is what the relationship is.
grateful Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 so true, the illicit part is stressful, not exciting. however, i am speaking as a woman, as are all of us who have said this, and perhaps owl has a different perspective as a man, and especially as a married man. maybe the pull for mm is the excitement that having an affair brings, esp in contrast to the comfortably dull married existence. not saying that this is all affairs, but for the most part, the ow and the mm are coming from entirely different places. ow is fantasizing about a real relationship, and mm is fantasizing about and mostly enjoying in reality an exciting, illicit, sexual experience with another woman at the same time as having his comfortable, real relationship with his wife. i believe that in the majority of cases, this is what the relationship is. I think you should leave Owl, his gender, and his marital status out of this. It is common for the illicit part of the relationship to factor into the excitement of it. I read a statistic recently where 60% of women polled responded that the sexiest place to make love outside of their own bedroom was "in their parents' house while they were home." Getting caught is a big turn on in general. It is not just married men. Owl is talking about common knowledge and his gender and marital status are irrelevant. Maybe in the latter stages of an affair, the tensions have built up and the illicit part becomes more of a struggle than a turn on. I almost had an affair on my SO. I am a woman. The fact that it was something I wasn't supposed to do, something forbidden, was a HUMONGOUS turn on. It is not gender specific.
Owl Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 I've got no issues with mentioning my marital status/gender. I've no doubt that both of these things DO play a major part in my personal outlook on things. But, the other part of that is that while I am married and a man, I've never stepped out on my wife, so I can't personally say whether or not that would truly be a factor for me. I can IMAGINE that it might be, just as I can imagine that it would also be a tremendous ego boost in having two women who both wanted me, and took care of me in their own respective ways. Sadly, it's all to easy for me to also imagine what the long-term effects of that would be on everyone else who's important in my life. Honestly, I couldn't picture myself putting some OW through that as well. And having truly felt what it all was like from the BS's side of things, I also just can't see how I would be willing to do that to my wife either. Not to mention what that whole thing would be telling my kids. So, taking the fact that I'm a married man into account is fine...I still don't get the MM perspective. I've HEARD that the fact that what they were doing was 'exciting' since it was wrong...my wife had mentioned that she felt some of this in the beginning too...that the sneaking around was 'fun'. Other's I've talked with mentioned something similar...but this may not be the case all the time either.
Sami_D Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 I would think that whether something was illicit or not added excitement would depend very much on the personalities involved. People get thrills out of different things. Personally, the idea of my parents finding me having sex is completely abhorrent. I have no idea where the thrill in that comes from. Needing to shove your sexuality in their face? The same goes for people who find drug-taking to be particularly fun because it's illegal. Why? No idea, but it does it for them. I'm not denying that many people find illicitness fun. It just doesn't do it for everyone.
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