stockmos Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 We are constantly reminded on here that infidelity/cheating/an affair with an OW/OM is an "illusion", not founded on the reality of day to day life with a long-term partner. But if that is so, how can anyone possibly know if the OW/OM is actually a person they really want to leave their existing partner for? For example, leaving an unsatisfactory relationship for a new and more fulfilling one. On the "illusion" basis, how can anyone know one way or the other?
zarathustra Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Hey Stockmos! How are you doing?!?? any updates on your situation? Here's my answer to your question. I have said to my xMM to make sure that he is in love with me... the person that I am and not an illusion that he's conjured up in his mind. When we parted ways a few months ago, he said that he thought I had a more exciting life. That we would have gone out with my friends more. Frankly, I don't see how we would have had time and I saw my friends when he visited his kids which was every weekend and one day out of the week. So its merely an excuse. Then he said that I wasn't the confident woman that he thought I was, but that I had my insecurities. Which was also an excuse as I told him about my struggles in life which has caused massive self esteem issues that he wanted to work with me on. Anyway, my point is, in general, MP will tend to idealize and be infatuated with the OP. When you have to deal with OP everyday, you realize, everyone has hang ups, no one's perfect and the flaw you once saw as endearing and cute might end up being annoying. My advice to you is this; if your relationship is unfulfilling, LEAVE because that is what is is. Unfulfilling. Take time to discover yourself. Don't use the OP as a rebound, especially if you care about her. Take time apart and then if you still want to be with her and she wants to be with you, then you will start the relationship on the right footing. Best of luck
Blind Illusion Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Time probably is the best thing that you can hope for with that. You know how when you met your husband or had boyfriends, everyone put their best foot forward in the beginning but in time, a more accurate picture emerges. The thing with affairs is this state drags out even longer because there isn't as much togetherness/everyday problems that plague other relationships. Probably, it isn't the wisest thing ever to leave a relationship for another. Leave it because you want to, whether the other person is a consideration or not.
Author stockmos Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 Such good posts, from both of you, zarathustra and Blind Illusion. All great insights, I particularly liked: When you have to deal with OP everyday, you realize, everyone has hang ups, no one's perfect and the flaw you once saw as endearing and cute might end up being annoying. Best of luck And, zarathustra, it was so extremely appreciated that you remembered me. That really lifted my spirits. My update is that as things stand, I am staying at a friend's flat. I haven't stayed at my partner's/our(!) flat since March 2. I spent some time staying with the "OW", but I really felt that I was in serious danger of turning into her live-in partner by default. It's a point raised in many threads, and one relevant to this, that when you are living out of a suitcase, the pull of your old life is very strong indeed. It's very hard to know if the pull is that of your partner or simply the security everyone needs of being in their own home. From that point of view, it might be a good idea for people faced with dilemmas to fix up their own flat, if only temporarily, then sit back and assess the situation.
zarathustra Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 How can I forget you, Stockmos! I remember, in depth, our discussions about the situation with your LT girlfriend and have wondered many times how you have been doing. I'm really glad to see the approach you are taking. For what its worth, I think you are being very wise to do what you are doing. Additionally, I think you are being fair to all that's involved in the situation. That pull you are talking about, its not because of living out of a suitcase. If you stayed with the OW, you would have felt that pull. Its the history and memories of the good times that's the pull. I was a married/separated OW to a MM and the pull of his old life tore us apart. I lost to history. I started a loosing battle the moment I accepted his love. I only wish I found this site sooner. Since my xMM and I split, I have told my H about my relationship with xMM and we are trying to work out our issues prior to my leaving. I do love my H, its not the intense passionate love that I once had with him (who can honestly boast of such a love after being together a long time... I'm sure it exists with some, but its rare), but its a partnership and companionship that I treasure and missed even while I was with my MM. We had a history too, granted, not all of it was good, but it was not a bad history - just unfulfilling. Despite my being with someone while we were separated from each other, he still wanted me to try to work on the things that were lacking in our M prior to the split. He felt that we would live a life of regret if we didn't. We don't know if we will stay together, but neither does anyone who professes that they will. We can only try our best to understand each other's needs and try our best to fulfill them. In reality, I would be lying if I said I don't miss my xMM. I do miss my xMM. I do love him, but I love what he presented to me as himself at the beginning (the illusion). I don't love the man he is today. I don't know him anymore, even though I see him at work daily, hear his voice daily. When I hear his voice it does stab me at the core of my being as its the same voice as the man who used to tell me his love for me. I know that the man I loved is gone and I grieve the loss of him like I grieve a death of a dearest friend.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 An affair is an illusion! That's why it is so exciting. It creates all sorts of emotinal highs and lows. But I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
OzGirl Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 My take on the illusion is that this is a part-time relationship, so that leaves room to "imagine" what full-time would be like, and it becomes, then, potentially something great because we are 'inventing' the rest. The other part is that the MM is, as it would seem in most situations, not doing the same thing. The rest of the time he might miss the OW, but he's not actively dreaming the days away. He is, in fact, living them as he knows best and has always done as a husband and, maybe, father. I think that's why it's so painful when it ends. OW give them an enormous amount of potential to be perfect and wonderful in every capacity, and it's on this scale that we measure them to be good, they are given the potential (without us usually being aware of it at the time) to be equally as hurtful should they pull the pin on the whole thing. Perspective is lost with most OW - and I say that from experience and from what I've read. We have creative and endless minds and endeavours with the MM - and we expect it to be all that it is and more. Reality is, it's only us who are thinking this way. If he was doing the same, then he would end his marriage in theory. I think the urgency to see us is built up from the mundane-ness of their marriage. We are an escape for a short time to make the rest of the time tolerable.
Sami_D Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Unless you live together before marrying, EVERY relationship is 'an illusion' until you are married. Affairs are no different to any honeymoon phase when you meet someone. I would even say that affairs give you more of an idea of how someone deals with stress, pain and difficult situations than an 'ordinary' courtship. What other couple has to deal with so much before they've even got together? As for wondering whether the OP is 'better' for one than one's current spouse... I think there are plenty of ways in which one can see compatibility that are nothing to do with 'taking out the trash' etc (which seems to be the BIG issue always debated lol). Things like being able to communicate needs and wants effectively, being someone who can listen, being thoughtful and caring where it matters, supporting someone through bad times, sharing intellectual pursuits and points of view, finding fun in the same things. Those things can vary enormously between people, and finding someone who fits you in those respects can be enough to KNOW you've found the right one for you.
Author stockmos Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 I was a married/separated OW to a MM and the pull of his old life tore us apart. I lost to history... but its a partnership and companionship that I treasure and missed even while I was with my MM. So true. It's great to get input like this. Thanks again.
Author stockmos Posted April 1, 2006 Author Posted April 1, 2006 As for wondering whether the OP is 'better' for one than one's current spouse... I think there are plenty of ways in which one can see compatibility that are nothing to do with 'taking out the trash' etc (which seems to be the BIG issue always debated lol). Things like being able to communicate needs and wants effectively, being someone who can listen, being thoughtful and caring where it matters, supporting someone through bad times, sharing intellectual pursuits and points of view, finding fun in the same things. Those things can vary enormously between people, and finding someone who fits you in those respects can be enough to KNOW you've found the right one for you. A great, insightful response.
Blind Illusion Posted April 1, 2006 Posted April 1, 2006 Unless you live together before marrying, EVERY relationship is 'an illusion' until you are married. Affairs are no different to any honeymoon phase when you meet someone. That's a very good point Sami. I was trying to say something like that earlier with my previous post but you put it much better. Also, I did want to add that I don't think every OW thinks of the MM they are involved with as this perfect specimen of a god-like creature. I know in time, I have realized that there are parts of the M that I don't adore, pretty much the same I would see in time with any other relationship. That's reality.
kpin124 Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 An affair is an illusion! That's why it is so exciting. It creates all sorts of emotinal highs and lows. But I wouldn't wish it on anyone! I would have to agree with you on this....... When things are good they are GOOD but when things are bad they are BAD.... I know that emotionaly i am wore out with this whole affair thing... there is times when i really miss him and then others times i am glad that we haven't talked in over 2 weeks! But i just know if he called me tomorrow i would go back i would do it all over again because right now the highs out weigh the lows.....
Owl Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 Unless you live together before marrying, EVERY relationship is 'an illusion' until you are married. Affairs are no different to any honeymoon phase when you meet someone. Sami, I mostly agree with this statement. The affair is pretty much the same as the 'in love' feelings you get at the beginning of a relationship. There are a couple of differences in here though that should be considered. First, the 'illicitness' of the affair has to be considered. This DOES add a lot more excitement to the whole thing that you don't have in the beginning of most 'normal' relationships. And when the 'honeymoon' fades, there's even MORE of a drop/let down because that part of the excitement fades as well. Second, the 'in love' feelings are starkly contrasted and compared to the 'lasting love' of the marriage. And let's be honest...if you're trying to compare the idea of staying with someone you're "in love" with....that you're in the honeymoon phase to use your words...to being with the same person you've been with for the last 20 years (or whatever), there is no way that long term relationship can be anywhere nearly as exciting, dramatic, 'wonderful', as that of the affair. It's easy to forget that the honeymoon period is NEVER permanent. I would even say that affairs give you more of an idea of how someone deals with stress, pain and difficult situations than an 'ordinary' courtship. What other couple has to deal with so much before they've even got together? Again, think about that comparison I mentioned earlier. And I disagree that the comparison will be in any way accurate. Like I told my wife's OM when I talked with HIM about it being a 'fantasy'..."Look, you think you know her. But you've both only shared the parts of yourselves that you WANTED to share. You've never heard her snore at night, never bought her feminine products, never been in the bathroom when she's 'dropped a stinky'. She knows in her head that you smoke and drink...but she's never tried snuggling up to you or kissing you with beer/smoke breath. She's never had to do anything FOR you yet. Right now, it's a fantasy because neither of you have dealt with ANY of this in reality." And comparing what you THINK it will be like vs. the reality of 20 years of marriage and dealing with four teenaged kids in the house is just totally impossible. Of course NO ONE would WANT to have to deal with the day to day reality of paying bills, cleaning the house, helping with the kids, etc... if they could choose to 'run away' from all of that. Now, reality is that you'll have to do that kind of stuff WITH OM/MM too...but that doesn't sink in until AFTER you've started doing that. As for wondering whether the OP is 'better' for one than one's current spouse... I think there are plenty of ways in which one can see compatibility that are nothing to do with 'taking out the trash' etc (which seems to be the BIG issue always debated lol). Things like being able to communicate needs and wants effectively, being someone who can listen, being thoughtful and caring where it matters, supporting someone through bad times, sharing intellectual pursuits and points of view, finding fun in the same things. Those things can vary enormously between people, and finding someone who fits you in those respects can be enough to KNOW you've found the right one for you. Sami, do you remember your previous boyfriend/husband/lover before MM? Do you remember what it was like when you first started out? You listened to each other, you 'talked all night', etc...these are all part of that honeymoon phase. Comparing these kinds of things to a long term "lasting love" status relationship just aren't the same. It's ALWAYS going to seem like the person you're in the honeymoon phase is perfect at all of this...these are behaviors that are specific to that phase of a relationship. It's all going to seem marvelous during that time...but they're not true indicators of what the 'lasting love' phase of the relationship is going to be like. Just like that honeymoon phase of ANY relationship, it's not going to be clear what the long term relationship will be like. But, comparing the 'feelings' between those two phases, the marriage will almost always lose. But if you look at how many times the MM/MW ends up back with their original spouse (or even just divorced from their OM/OW), you see that those feelings don't last and aren't accurate determinators in what the final relationship will be like. And, once the honeymoon fades, most WS (wayward spouses) are drawn right back to their original spouse...because of that long term bond that's been created. Not bashing, just sharing my point of view on this. Read "The Five Languages of Love"...specifically chapter 2. Lots of info on this.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted April 3, 2006 Posted April 3, 2006 OWL, that was an excellent post. I still need to digest what you've written.
lovernotafighter Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 We are constantly reminded on here that infidelity/cheating/an affair with an OW/OM is an "illusion", not founded on the reality of day to day life with a long-term partner. But if that is so, how can anyone possibly know if the OW/OM is actually a person they really want to leave their existing partner for? For example, leaving an unsatisfactory relationship for a new and more fulfilling one. On the "illusion" basis, how can anyone know one way or the other? this is a question that has been on going in my mind as of late. the truth is you don't really know at all. all I can sum up to is in a affair your getting white part of the bread..but your not getting the crust and crumbs laying the bottom of the toaster..nope that's what the BS is getting all of and we are tasting the samples of the best part of the loaf. the more I think about my MM I have to ask myself..do I love him enough to take on his life and all the crumbs that go along with it?..because it's huge..the amount of grief I'll be adopting is enormous that in all honesty I don't think I'm prepared for. I want a real relationship with him..but I won't be just getting him..I'll be getting his wife ,his kid, his family and all his debt to boot..and let's not forget the bitterness that will no doubt be thrown at me all along..I won't be excepted by any one..that's the long and short of it. the illusion is what made me love but the reality I probably can't maintain.
Sami_D Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Owl: What I meant when I compared an affair to a pre-marriage situation with single people was exactly that: both are a 'honeymoon' phase. I wasn't comparing a marriage (or long-term relationship) to an affair. Your post was interesting from the point of view of making that comparison, but it wasn't one I was making or intending to make. When I responded above to the OP I wrote about knowing what I feel about this current relationship, and how well MM and I fit together. I'm 43. I've been in three long-term live-in relationships in my life. I remember how they all began, and how I felt about the person concerned, and what we did together and what we talked about and how they proceeded. I'm very capable of comparing them with my present relationship. First, the 'illicitness' of the affair has to be considered. This DOES add a lot more excitement to the whole thing that you don't have in the beginning of most 'normal' relationships. I hear a lot about how the 'illicitness' of an affair is supposed to make it a fantastic experience. Perhaps that's true for some people. But I think you have to be a certain kind of person to find the fact that your boyfriend is going home to another woman particularly stimulating. That is the bare fact of the 'illicitness'. It's not about fun and Champagne in hotel rooms. It's about the heartache of not being able to share those little domestic things with him. I WANT to have an argument about trash with him. I WANT to iron his shirts. (and HELLO, before anyone says anything here read up... I've lived with three other men already. I know about dirty underpants, it's not a fantasy). People who write this **** about how great it is to be in an 'illicit' relationship have never suffered the pain of not being with the one you love because of his domestic arrangements. As I wrote in my post earlier... being in an affair is stressful, painful, heartbreaking, tiring and just downright apalling. There's no frisson because of the illicitness of anything. Believe me. Second, the 'in love' feelings are starkly contrasted and compared to the 'lasting love' of the marriage. And let's be honest...if you're trying to compare the idea of staying with someone you're "in love" with....that you're in the honeymoon phase to use your words...to being with the same person you've been with for the last 20 years (or whatever), there is no way that long term relationship can be anywhere nearly as exciting, dramatic, 'wonderful', as that of the affair. It's easy to forget that the honeymoon period is NEVER permanent. And I'm looking forward to enjoying 20 very average, comfortable married years with him. I NEVER want to have anything like this feeling I'm getting now ever again in my life. I'm depressed. I'm not sleeping. I'm completely and utterly strung out and at my wit's end because of this affair. The one and only thing that's keeping me going is knowing that One Day I'm not going to be feeling like this. One Day the 'Honeymoon' period will be over... and I won't feel like a social pariah. I'll actually be able to introduce him to my friends and family without worrying what they'll think of his wedding ring. I'll be able to wake up in the morning without a knot in my stomach about this whole sorry affair. We'll be able to have a conversation about the roof needing repairing or something perfectly average and dull and NOT about him seeing a lawyer or how badly this might affect his children. If you think we're leaping into bed at every opportunity and sucking strawberries you have NO clue about the day-to-day reality of what we're going through now. None. And breathe. "You've never heard her snore at night, never bought her feminine products, never been in the bathroom when she's 'dropped a stinky'. She knows in her head that you smoke and drink...but she's never tried snuggling up to you or kissing you with beer/smoke breath. She's never had to do anything FOR you yet. Right now, it's a fantasy because neither of you have dealt with ANY of this in reality." And comparing what you THINK it will be like vs. the reality of 20 years of marriage and dealing with four teenaged kids in the house is just totally impossible. Of course NO ONE would WANT to have to deal with the day to day reality of paying bills, cleaning the house, helping with the kids, etc... if they could choose to 'run away' from all of that. Now, reality is that you'll have to do that kind of stuff WITH OM/MM too...but that doesn't sink in until AFTER you've started doing that. You know, I don't know how old you though I was, or what my life experience has been. But if you can't understand that other people are perfectly capable of separating fantasy from reality then I feel sorry for you. No offence. But look at what you're writing here. Those arguments might work on a teenager who has never slept next to a smelly bloke but hellooooo. We're not all wet behind the ears. MM and I talk regularly about step-parenting, lack of finances, the problems we'll still have in seeing eachother (because of his work) and all sorts of dull things. Not sure what fantasy you think I think I'm stepping into but I can tell you, I'm not expecting much apart from being able to actually BE, openly, with the man I love. But at the end of the day, after saying all that. YEAH, he is pretty special (WE are pretty special together). If he weren't, I wouldn't be going through all this, much less encouraging him to end his marriage and move out of the home he shares with his children. We're not blind, or stupid.
Blind Illusion Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I hear a lot about how the 'illicitness' of an affair is supposed to make it a fantastic experience. Perhaps that's true for some people. But I think you have to be a certain kind of person to find the fact that your boyfriend is going home to another woman particularly stimulating. That is the bare fact of the 'illicitness'. It's not about fun and Champagne in hotel rooms. It's about the heartache of not being able to share those little domestic things with him. I WANT to have an argument about trash with him. I WANT to iron his shirts. (and HELLO, before anyone says anything here read up... I've lived with three other men already. I know about dirty underpants, it's not a fantasy). People who write this **** about how great it is to be in an 'illicit' relationship have never suffered the pain of not being with the one you love because of his domestic arrangements. As I wrote in my post earlier... being in an affair is stressful, painful, heartbreaking, tiring and just downright apalling. There's no frisson because of the illicitness of anything. Believe me. I am SO glad you brought this point up. I never quite got it when it is suggested that it's the secretiveness of the affair that is exciting. There's also the closely related adage about the forbidden fruit being the allure. If anything, it's the beginning of a relationship that can be considered at its most exciting peak, but that fact transcends the marital status of the participants. In fact, the illicit quality of this relationship detracts from it, rather than adds to it. For me, anyhow. To suggest otherwise would mean that if this person was available to be with on a full-time basis, the relationship would lose its allure, and I'd move on and no longer be interested. That's kind of shallow, no? If anything, the fact that it remains illicit seems to be what makes most people move on after awhile.
zarathustra Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 this is a question that has been on going in my mind as of late. the truth is you don't really know at all. all I can sum up to is in a affair your getting white part of the bread..but your not getting the crust and crumbs laying the bottom of the toaster..nope that's what the BS is getting all of and we are tasting the samples of the best part of the loaf. the more I think about my MM I have to ask myself..do I love him enough to take on his life and all the crumbs that go along with it?..because it's huge..the amount of grief I'll be adopting is enormous that in all honesty I don't think I'm prepared for. I want a real relationship with him..but I won't be just getting him..I'll be getting his wife ,his kid, his family and all his debt to boot..and let's not forget the bitterness that will no doubt be thrown at me all along..I won't be excepted by any one..that's the long and short of it. the illusion is what made me love but the reality I probably can't maintain. I think that each time these men think of leaving their wives, reality kicks in a bit and they realize they cannot maintain it. They know that their kids will be resentful (if not now because they are too young to understand, they likely would be later), that they will have to deal with a likely hostile XW, that their immediate family members will play judge and jury on the whole situation. Honestly, I think instead of asking yourself if you love him enough to take on this life or not, you should be asking if you love yourself enough to leave it. It'll hurt for now, but it will likely hurt much more later if you do take on the reality that you posted above.
Blind Illusion Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 I want a real relationship with him..but I won't be just getting him..I'll be getting his wife ,his kid, his family and all his debt to boot..and let's not forget the bitterness that will no doubt be thrown at me all along..I won't be excepted by any one..that's the long and short of it. the illusion is what made me love but the reality I probably can't maintain. This is not something, though, that is unique to extramarital relationships. Even if you met him a year after he signed his divorce papers, you would probably still be inheriting many of these things along with him. Many ex-wives resent the current one and not all children accept their stepparents lovingly. I guess what I am saying is that this doesn't only happen with affairs that ended up in remarriages.
Owl Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 Sami- I wasn't comparing a marriage (or long-term relationship) to an affair. Your post was interesting from the point of view of making that comparison, but it wasn't one I was making or intending to make. I definitely mistook the intent of your post. My apologies. As far as the rest of your post, well, I've got to say that I don't feel that either of us has been in the other's shoes. Not judging you here...simply agreeing with you that I truly can't know exactly what this has been like for you...I've never been involved with someone who was already married or committed, but I can't imagine in any way that it's all 'fun and roses'. If my post came across that way, again, my apologies. I have no doubt that being in affair is stressful and difficult and heart-wrenching...and I've always felt that EVERYONE is hurt by the affair...all three parties directly, as well as any kids that might be included in whatever families are impacted. I 'assumed' (and we all know what that means) that you were comparing the A relationship to the M relationship...and my comments were all based on that premise. You wrapped up your post with "We're not blind, or stupid." I wouldn't call anyone stupid, or VOLUNTARILY blind. And in your case, it does sound like you've given much more thought about the long term realities than MANY of the posters that come here. And I will say that THE VAST MAJORITY of people involved in an affair do tend to be blinded to the long-term aspects...perhaps not in your case, but again, the vast majority of those that get into this situation don't TRULY plan out or think about all the little details. Which is (in my opinion) why so many relationships that start as an affair fail. But, given what you've described in your own situation, yours may well be one that has the potential to make it. As far as the 'fantasy' aspects of it all...well, perhaps your situation is past that, or never had it. But look at the majority of the other stories we see here, and you'll definitely see a lot of that fantasy aspect. I apologize to anyone I offend...I'm not bashing OW's or anyone else...because it's not just the OM/OW but the MM/MW as well that often get wrapped into a 'fantasy' situation. And sadly, it often turns out that the reality is MUCH harder to deal with when it actually starts to set into the affair.
Owl Posted April 4, 2006 Posted April 4, 2006 BI- This is not something, though, that is unique to extramarital relationships. Even if you met him a year after he signed his divorce papers, you would probably still be inheriting many of these things along with him. Many ex-wives resent the current one and not all children accept their stepparents lovingly. I guess what I am saying is that this doesn't only happen with affairs that ended up in remarriages. I agree that it's not unique to relationships that began in an affair, but it's FAR more likely to occur, and the bitterness and anger are likely to be MUCH greater in these situations than in ones that began well after the marriage had ended. I have to completely admit that I truly and honestly feel that if my wife HAD divorced me and married her OM, there would have NEVER been peace between us. I too would have been extremely bitter, angry, etc...towards him. Luckily in our case, it never got that far. Had she started a relationship with someone AFTER divorcing me, I probably wouldn't have ever have been his friend, but I wouldn't have had anything to hold against him either. Just my thoughts.
Blind Illusion Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Owl, I can see your point too, where the bitterness would be amplified towards the new spouse if done a certain way. I'm not one to toot my own horn-in fact I probably suffer from a lack of self confidence. Probably one of the few things I can say positive about myself is that I usually have strong emphathy powers. At least, I try. (I know that sems like an amusing understatement given the situation I am in, though)
Sami_D Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 Owl: No problem. I knew that you'd misinterpreted what I said. I also know that you don't know much about the hell that I've been going through (no one does, because I don't write about it here). I just took the opportunity, since you'd addressed comments directly to me, to redress the balance of how affairs (and the OW) are viewed on this board. Not all of us are either getting over one (and demonising the MM or not) or in the first flush of excitement and fun. Anyway, you make some great points in all of your posts, even if I don't always agree with some of them (in particular, the question of the savability of many marriages... I happen to think your M is one of the exceptions, but I digress as usual). I wanted to make a point about something else you said: I have to completely admit that I truly and honestly feel that if my wife HAD divorced me and married her OM, there would have NEVER been peace between us. I too would have been extremely bitter, angry, etc...towards him. Luckily in our case, it never got that far. Had she started a relationship with someone AFTER divorcing me, I probably wouldn't have ever have been his friend, but I wouldn't have had anything to hold against him either. This is the main reason that, where possible, people in affairs don't reveal that it's going on, even past the divorce. Because in order to have any kind of reasonable post-divorce relationship with the former partner, and children, there has to be no suspicion (or nothing provable) that the OM/OW was involved in the break-up. Additionally, this is why I think the statistics on how many affairs end up with the OP/MP getting together cannot be in any way accurate. No one wants to tell about this, for many reasons. Anyway, that was a total T/J. Just one of my bugbears.
Sami_D Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 This is not something, though, that is unique to extramarital relationships. Even if you met him a year after he signed his divorce papers, you would probably still be inheriting many of these things along with him. Many ex-wives resent the current one and not all children accept their stepparents lovingly. I guess what I am saying is that this doesn't only happen with affairs that ended up in remarriages. I think this is the reason most second marriages get into trouble. Trying to balance the relationships with step-children, plus financial problems. Very difficult situation to be in. But I'd give anything just to get that far...
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