Candied-Heart Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Lately, in many serious, long term relationships I admire around me; the male partner in the relationship has broken up w/ his wife stating "I just don't love you anymore" They have had children together, own houses, the whole thing, ended because lthe ove has been 'lost' on one side.. -How does this generally happen? -Is it something you wake up after one day and realize? Or does it take time, therefore the dumper has been dishonest about their feelings whilst they 'test' the relationship to see if it's worth not mentioning and then, fixing? -Is this a legitimate reason upon ending a lifelong commitment? I mean, don't get me wrong, if it's not working, it's not working.. but -How does one prevent such a thing from happening to their relationship? Can you even prevent it? Makes me really dislike marriage. Imagine devoting your life to someone.. being 'married' .. for them to say this. It seems peculiar to me. Maybe Im the only one, but if you're marrying someone wouldn't you have sorted out your feelings?
a4a Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 People change and grow with time, a piece of paper will not keep love in the relationship. It is hard work to keep a spark in a relationship for a long period of time. You certainly can love a person but not be "in love with them". Hell been there done that! I never just woke up and thought this, it was over a period of time. It happens, it can indeed be fixed if both parties are really willing to do the work and there is not that much damage already done. There are too many reasons to list why this happens..... personal growth is one. Quite simply one partner may not be providing what the other may want out of the R. Be it sex, stability, affection, or even just time spent with a spouse. (attention). Too many bad days not enough good ones to stay on board.
Walk Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I did wake up one day and realize I wasn't "in love" with my exH anymore. But my "love" for him had been declining gradually over months and years. Man, I had so many talks with him, arguments, yelling, crying, begging.... he just continued on his merry little way, believing I'd just forget about it. And he had the audacity to act shocked when I told him I was leaving. I don't believe most people just up and leave a long term commitment, especially marriage, without ever having said something about problems. But the other person wasn't listening, or didn't understand, and nothing was worked on. You spend every day being upset with your partner, after a while there's nothing left but anger, hurt, and desire to find a better life. If your partner isn't willing to work to meet your basic needs, then why stay? Your not teaching your children anything good. Your not happy and it affects everything in your life. Your family, your work, your health. everything. Most people get too complacent in a marriage. They stop fighting to keep their partner happy and commited to them. The bad starts to out way the good, and attitudes become self-serving, instead of relationship serving. Which leads to an endless cycle of "my needs first", until someone finally pulls the plug.
jerbear Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 As a guy, I would like to add sometimes communications need to be established. Not talking about hi how was you day; more like I do not like the way this is going. I am not a mind reader so sometimes I am just plain oblivious. I need to be readjusted and talked to as in "hey, I NEED YOU TO TALK THE TRASH OUT" or "I want that piece of jewelry, you buttmunch". Not in a nagging way of course. Maybe it is the proactive way I work sometimes, need to say something is wrong early before it gets out of hand. For me it took me awhile to end it. It just sometimes creeps up on you, little issues and then one more; then boom.
Walk Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 "I want that piece of jewelry, you buttmunch". :lmao: Too funny!
SoleMate Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 -How does this generally happen? GENERALLY...although there are rare exceptions...One or both stop meeting the other's most important emotional needs, and thus stop giving their spouse what they were expecting when they originally married. "Falling out of love" is a vague concept; it's much clearer to think about deepset needs (such as sex, conversational companionship, family commitment, attractive spouse, etc.) -Is it something you wake up after one day and realize? Or does it take time, therefore the dumper has been dishonest about their feelings whilst they 'test' the relationship to see if it's worth not mentioning and then, fixing? It's NEVER overnight for a reasonable person. It has certainly been growing for quite a while. However, the leaving partner probably was not fully conscious of it. Particularly in marriages where one or both have been trained to stuff bad feelings down and show a happy face to the world, there can be plenty of self-deception. It's also possible that the other partner has been hard at work (again, perhaps not consciously) to get the leaving partner to not reveal feelings, especially if they are negative - even mildly negative - about the partnership. -Is this a legitimate reason upon ending a lifelong commitment? That's a personal decision. I would generally recommend a big investment of time and effort to fix the marriage and restore love. Multiply that by 10 if there are children involved. There are some marriages that are agony to stay in. -How does one prevent such a thing from happening to their relationship? Can you even prevent it? Become an expert at meeting your partner's most important emotional needs, and he/she will never leave you. Please see His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley. - if you're marrying someone wouldn't you have sorted out your feelings? Of course. Most people do. What they don't take into account is that the other person may change - and I don't just mean getting older. The other person may gradually become unwilling or unable to live up to the marital bargain of mutual support, love and faithfulness. He/she may treat you in such a way that you would not have touched them with a 10 foot pole, let alone married him/her, had he/she behaved this way during the courtship phase. When they're dating, she dresses up for him and hangs on his every word as if he had godlike wisdom. He lavishes her with his attention and does a dozen little things every day just to make her smile. They call it "love" and it feels great! Then...she stops taking care of her appearance and begins to point out all his flaws on an hourly basis. He turns to the TV for companionship and stops kissing or hugging her. They call this "falling out of love" and it feels like h*ll...
ehead Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 This is an interesting question. "Love" can really be viewed as being comprised of many stages. Roibikini once posted an excellent summary/overview of what science has to say about love. That "in love" feeling commonly only lasts a year or less. Unfortunately we won't spend our entire lives in that deleriously delicious state of mind. Hopefully, it gets replaced by the more serious, but less intoxicating, "real love". There is good evidence that couples that have sex often re-enforce the feeling of love for each other. There is a noted pychologist out there that has developed a theory of love involving what he calls the "Love Bank". Everyone in your life has an account in your Love Bank. When people do nice things for you, meet your emotional and pychical needs, you experience good times with them (or trying times, if they help you through them), ect ... they are making a deposit in your Love Bank. When they are an ass to you they are making a withdrawal. If their account balance is above a certain threshold then you feel love for them. Sort of simplistic, but probably useful. It's also good to be unpredictable and adventurous. Sometimes people need to shake their relationships up a bit, or their lives for that matter. Of course, there is only so much one can do. You can't make someone love you. I'm sure often it has more to do with some sort of personal crisis of the person who has fallen out of love, than the other partner.
ehead Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Man, I had so many talks with him, arguments, yelling, crying, begging.... he just continued on his merry little way, believing I'd just forget about it. And he had the audacity to act shocked when I told him I was leaving. He was making too many withdrawals from your Love Bank, and clearly not making enough deposits !
a4a Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 He was making too many withdrawals from your Love Bank, and clearly not making enough deposits ! My account is just about depleted, I think I have maybe $1.25 left in it Man it sucks to get drained with nothing getting put back in.
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