cliftonl Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 The social presure of demonizing is pretty hard when we internalize it. I just came out of a really really intense affair, after being happily married for 15 years to a beautiful woman that I totally love. She will never know, but I know it's possible to be in love with two women at once, I've done it many times. I don't regret anyting but the lying. I'm almost 52 and have had real love affairs and deep intimate relationships with many women in my life, so I know wht I'm talking about. it doesn't get any easier sometimes. This recent affair broke all records for me, it seems. Right now I'm just looking for people who have had similar experiences, it might help me to not demonize myself. I'm honestly trying to assess my next move. I've been through one divorce already and like being married. Affairs are a last resort that I'm choosing because my wife's sex drive is draining away, and it's always been hard for her to be comfortable with sex. Plus she's premenopausal and has a fibroid tumor. I'm completely attracted to her, but am gettiing completely tired of being rejected sexually. The woman I had the affair with is 17 years younger than I, with 2 kids, and came out of an abusive marriage 2 years ago. i met her at work. We really clicked like I've never experienced before. I totally fell in love with her, and scared her off. She got a job at another company and backed off really suddenly. She says she still wants to be friends, but won't contact me anymore. I just simply can't believe I cant get over her. It's just amazing to me.
Sami_D Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Hello Cliftonl. We rarely get MM posting on here, and to be honest, when we do, no-one seems to listen to them because they often don't fit the bill in terms of WHO posters here want the MM to be. I'm not talking about OW, but the nay-sayers who frequent this place, telling everyone that the MM is never in love with the OW, that you're just a booty call, etc. etc. So... just be warned that no-one might want to hear what you have to say But I want to pick up on something you said, because it suits me (hey! I'm just like everyone else ), though it really has nothing to do with the thread. That is... that you're not getting (much?) sex at home. You weren't lying to the OW about that? See... it does happen that sexless marriages exist, and that the can lead to people seeking out intimacy outside the M. For the main point of your post, however... do you really miss and love this OW, or is it that you are reacting to her rejection of you and her moving away? I mean... you've had affairs before. You talk about them as if it was the most natural thing in the world. So... how come this woman has made such an impression on you? Is it simply because she walked away? Because, if that is the case, then I'd urge you to let her go. She's suffered enough, probably through this affair, and certainly through her previous abusive relationship. If you're just longing for her because she had the nerve to 'reject' you, then you'd be doing her no favours if you tried to get back into her life. Anyway, sorry if I've misread or misrepresented anything you meant.
Jessie61 Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 So... how come this woman has made such an impression on you? Is it simply because she walked away? Because, if that is the case, then I'd urge you to let her go. She's suffered enough, probably through this affair, and certainly through her previous abusive relationship. If you're just longing for her because she had the nerve to 'reject' you, then you'd be doing her no favours if you tried to get back into her life. I agree with Sami D. Leave her alone.
BUTAFLY Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 I demonized him...and will contiune to do so because he is a lying, cowardly pig!!!... I, unlike most women in here didn't know his marital status. He told me he was single...I been to his apartment...met some of the family..hung out with his friends. I thought we were a couple, we would spend every nite together either at my place or at his dicussing moving in together and taking things further with the relationship.. ect ect.... Until one day when I didn' hear from my "night in shining armor" and I happened to run into a friend of his and asked if he had heard from my bf. He fills me in my 'bf' is on a flight to aruba to get MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!! So YES.....He IS the devil to me!!
BUTAFLY Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Clifton, I think since she walked away...(as she should of) you feel rejected again, not only in your marriage but outside also. Your craving the love and attention you despreately need from the wrong person.
BUTAFLY Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 you sound so full of sh*t. Why are you complaining? You don't have him. You just sound like sour grapes. He went back to his wife just because she was the bread winner? But asked if you will intended to support him you say "I didn't want a man whose wife supports him" and you weren't going to support him. Your story makes no sense. so maybe it took him a couple times to figure out that he didn't like you. or maybe he liked what your were giving him a bj or two maybe? This topic hitting a little to close to home guest? Are you upset because your husband dosn't respect your marriage when he makes himself available to single women or portrays his marriage to be doomed. Doesn't care about your feelings when he is out on town with his OW on his arm. How your his last thought when he's inserting his penis into the OW. How about when he can't wait to start his day because he knows he will see or hear from the OW soon. He may not be her's but he damn sure isn't yours either. He is his own person and will do whatever he wants.
Author NoIDidn't Posted April 11, 2006 Author Posted April 11, 2006 I'm honestly trying to assess my next move. I've been through one divorce already and like being married. Affairs are a last resort that I'm choosing because my wife's sex drive is draining away, and it's always been hard for her to be comfortable with sex. Plus she's premenopausal and has a fibroid tumor. I'm completely attracted to her, but am gettiing completely tired of being rejected sexually. Cliftonl I really asked this question of current and former OW, but thanks for chiming in. I think you should reconsider your "reasons" for having affairs as you sound most like the MMs that get demonized (hence the reason your latest left you alone). Why develop intense feelings for an OW when you have no intention of leaving your M? I for one would appreciate your honesty and make decisions based on truth. IE, if I was willing to accept just sex or wanting you to "choose me". What are the lies that you told, if you don't mind? Plus, there are things you can do to help your W - or do you feel that would be too much work for a woman you are "totally in love with"?
silktricks Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 This is one of the reasons why I never post but figuring these women were in the same boat, it was nice to see I wasn't the only one going through it. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm beginning to think you are trolling for BS. I've read your previous posts, and it's like you just drop a line in the pool. When you get positive helpful-type response there's no reply from you, but if a BS is snagged (like the obviously f*cked up "guest") then you reel in. If that's what you're doing, you should be ashamed of yourself. If it's not what you are doing, then I apologize.
silktricks Posted April 11, 2006 Posted April 11, 2006 Affairs are a last resort that I'm choosing because my wife's sex drive is draining away, and it's always been hard for her to be comfortable with sex. Plus she's premenopausal and has a fibroid tumor. I'm completely attracted to her, but am gettiing completely tired of being rejected sexually. Maybe she needs some extra attention from you, some caring, instead of cheating. She may not know that you've had an affair, but she for sure knows that she isn't number one in your life. If you treat her the way you treated her when you dated her, when you convinced her to marry you, she will almost positively be loving and interested in sex again. What most men don't like to face is the very strong possibility that their wives lack of interest in sex can be traced directly to the way their husbands treat them leading up to sex. Petting and kissing is just as important after you're married as it is before - maybe more so. Men don't like to be treated just as a pocketbook - well women don't like to be treated like a blow-up doll.
Author NoIDidn't Posted April 13, 2006 Author Posted April 13, 2006 Maybe she needs some extra attention from you, some caring, instead of cheating. She may not know that you've had an affair, but she for sure knows that she isn't number one in your life. If you treat her the way you treated her when you dated her, when you convinced her to marry you, she will almost positively be loving and interested in sex again. What most men don't like to face is the very strong possibility that their wives lack of interest in sex can be traced directly to the way their husbands treat them leading up to sex. Petting and kissing is just as important after you're married as it is before - maybe more so. Men don't like to be treated just as a pocketbook - well women don't like to be treated like a blow-up doll. Thanks. I could not have said it better.
target-d Posted April 13, 2006 Posted April 13, 2006 I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm beginning to think you are trolling for BS. I've read your previous posts, and it's like you just drop a line in the pool. When you get positive helpful-type response there's no reply from you, but if a BS is snagged (like the obviously f*cked up "guest") then you reel in. If that's what you're doing, you should be ashamed of yourself. If it's not what you are doing, then I apologize. It looks like maybe you called it, Silk.
silktricks Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 It looks like maybe you called it, Silk. yeah, it does, doesn't it. that is so sad. just as bad as the BS who troll for OP.
cliftonl Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 Hmm- a lot of different responses to this, which is why I wanted to post in the first place- to check stuff out. I will explain the situation with more detail First of all, I truly love(d) this OW, and was genuinely hurt by the way she treated me. It wasn't just an affair just for sex for me, although it kind of started out that way. I think it was kind of a trigger for my dealing with the problems in my marriage around sex. It's not a sexless marriage quite, but it might as well be. After putting up with sexual rejection from my wife for many many years, I kind of gave myself permission to have the kind of sexual relationship I always wanted with a woman- open and free and really satisfying. I really carefully considered my options and proceeded, without making myself feel too bad about it at first. Someone pointed out that I'm feeling both the rejection from my wife and from the OW, and that's true. I don't think it's necessarliy bad that infidelity is not accepted- I do believe on one level that marriage is the bedrock of society to some extent. But if monogamy is so great, most of us don't seem to practice it, for better or for worse. This sounds like a justification for sneaking around, and it is, but I'm trying to say that every marriage and every person is different, and there are no absolutes. Lying is bad and unhealty, and I don't like it at all. But it was the price I paid, and, on balance, it was worth it. I posted in this section partly because i'm new to the site and can;t quite figure out the interface yet- it's a bit confusing. As far as my wife shuttin gdown on me, it's not a case where just a litle extra love will do it. I have always been extremely loving and attentive to her- i basically worship her. I was the same all through the affair, too. She has medical conditions that prevent her from functioning fully, although she feels thatmost of the issues with her are psychological, but she won't do anything about them. She knows our sexual problems are threatening the marriage, but she simply can't deal with it. Women (and men) tend to feel inadequate when they don't function sexually. I hate to make her feel this way, byt we are really out of balance this way and I'm totally at the end of my rope on how to deal with it. I'm not sure I want to stay in the marriage, and I'm glad I asserted myself to get my needs met, even if it stung like hell. I'm also glad I have the capacity to love someone that deeply (both my wife and the OW). It's not a stable situation, butit really is possible for me to love two women at once. Not just sexually, but fully. I think this is hard for people to understand.
zarathustra Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 If your wife was giving you what you need on a physical level, would you stray out of the marriage? would you be able to love her and her alone?
Author NoIDidn't Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Cliftonl Thanks for the added info, but plz start your own post instead of taking over this one. It helps to stay on the topic that was asked initially. Respectfully NoIDidn't (but yes, I did)
cliftonl Posted April 14, 2006 Posted April 14, 2006 I used to think so, but I don't know anymore. If I let myself, sometimes I find myself thinking that all my relationships end the same way- that I just overpower women and they can't deliver. That's what made this affair so compelling for me- I didn't overpower the OW- we were on the same level for a long time- it was incredible. Then I overpowered her w/ love, and she couldn't handle it. Sometimes women get involved w/ married guys specifically because they don't want committment- I know that. But I'll never know exactly what she was feeling because she could never really tell me- she just disappeared. I think it's possible to save the marriage, but I don't know if I want to yet. On the other hand, I think it's lasted a long time because I didn't take it for granted, and I followed my own path while remaining actively engaged in being a loving husband. I guess on one level I trust teh marriage enough to know that an affair, even totally falling in love with another woman, won't necessarily ruin a relatively happy marriage I've had for 15 years. On the other hand, if we don't do something together about our sex life, it's kind of hard to imagine that we'll be happy. I'm not slowing down any, and I'm really enjoying my self confidence right now. I really don't know. Talking (posting) to other people seems to help me to work it out. Thanks for the question.
Author NoIDidn't Posted April 14, 2006 Author Posted April 14, 2006 Take your W to MC, and start your own thread. Possilby in Infidelity where you will find others in the same boat.
Sami_D Posted April 15, 2006 Posted April 15, 2006 Hello again, cliftonl Well you seem to be looking at some issues here that might be better off being discussed in the Infidelity section: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f35/ Or take time to look around the forums for threads about similar stories to yours. I am sure you'll get lots of help from other people who have 'been there'. Best of luck.
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