Why Demonize The MM?

[NoIDidn't]

Hi!

 

I read your question with interest because I intentionally demonize my MM in an attempt to let go of him. It works on most days. Putting him down assures me that I didn't lose much. However, I agree that it is a double edge sword. By trashing him, I'd also feel dirty and used. I am still working on a balance here...

 

 

And that is what I have been dealing with apart from my H's EA. Reality hit me one day and I asked myself "if he is all these things doesn't that make me stupid or something"? I really just wanted to know that I wasn't the only person feeling this way. Once I stopped putting him down, however much he deserved it, I just felt like a chump.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I have to admit that it is not always easy to convince myself that my MM is such a devil because I am still so much in love with him. I really like the physical being of of him. That does make me shallow and delusional, doesn't it? He is incredible to look at and touch. I am still getting these warm tingly sensations every time I think of the time we were intimate. (It is embarrassing to say this.) I don't know enough about him as a husband and father, so this is where I demonize him. As I've said, it works in getting him of my mind, but also leaves me with a sick feeling...

[target-d]

I'm new here but I have been lurking for a while. I find this interesting question because have wondered it myself. It has seemed to me as I've read the posts here, that most of the people posting are very unhappy. In my life I found that taking responsibility for my own actions has increased my happiness. Things that I've done and I'm ashamed of are still things that I have done. Although I wish often the could blame the other person I still know that it was me doing the action's.

 

I have been a betrayed spouse twice, with two separate husbands. I have been the other woman. I have been a committed woman with an outside relationship. I'm not perfect, I don't know everything. At times I think I don't know anything. But I do know this. I know that when you love someone and don't want to love a person anymore it's easier to hate them. I'm not so confused about why the other women demonize the married Man.

 

So you other women, and you betrayed spouses, and you married men or women who are in a rage about the pain that you experience or the pain you know that you have caused, try to learn to let it go. Try to learn to live today for today. Yesterday is gone. The anger you have will only damage you. Learn forgiveness. Exercise forgiveness. Choose forgiveness.

 

Take responsibility for your life for your actions. If you did things you knew were wrong, face it. Deal with it and go on. Don't waste any more of your life blaming someone else and wishing you hadn't done it. When push comes to shove we all make our own choices in life. We lie to ourselves far more than other people lie to us. It's easier and less painful to put the blame on someone else. Usually though, our lies that we told ourselves are the lies that we most hate the other person for.

[movinon05]

I went through this for 7 years! It took me THAT LONG to realize I am worth more than the way he was treating me. The lies are the worst. No matter how much he lied, he insisted he would never lie again. And then he would lie again! But I loved him so much, I protected him when I got horrible phone calls from his wife, or when she confronted me in stores, even in front of her children. I put up with too much and he would make me feel bad if I didn't trust him and promised he would do what it needed to earn my trust. Got down on his knees and all! God, when I think back on the BullS___ he gave me!

 

Fortunately, I don't feel the need to demonize him. He is totally lost! I finally got strong enough to give him the ultimatum. He was supposed to leave his wife on New Year day of 2005 (over a year ago). (Even though I had lost so much trust that I secretly hoped he would not leave - I had sacrificed enough and grown tired of the fight). I never heard from him again. Until 2 weeks ago! Can you imagine the balls? I've moved on, but he is still in a dream world. I have to live near these people and his wife acts like everything is fine, yet he has made more of a fool of her than she realizes because everyone knows everything in this small town. I made it clear it is over, yet I have no doubt he will try again. His son is graduating high school, his kids will both be gone and he's stuck with her. Too bad. He thought I'd wait forever!

 

I learned a very good lesson. I deserve to be treated better and have found someone who treats me with respect. Even though I think about him everyday and what we were supposed to have, I'll NEVER go back to that. I could NEVER trust him again. And I now have all my priorities in line.

 

It may help sometimes to demonize them and I have done that. But in the end, making yourself let go completely and being completely honest with yourself, no matter the broken dreams, is far more fulfilling. I may remember many wonderful things, but all I have to do is think of the bad ones. I may never have the "soulmate" thing again, but I have far more respect for myself now and feel better than I ever did. There really are men out there who treat you with respect!! Go figure! lol!

 

Its a matter of working your mind - thinking about yourself and your self worth. It feels good to demonize, but after awhile, it just doesn't matter anymore.

[movinon05]

It sounds to me like you know exactly where I'm coming from. You have to let it go. But I think it only comes with time and learning.

 

Although having had the experience once, I have to say, I have made sure I stayed out of it happening again, and I HAVE been approached by married men lying, telling me they were separated or divorced. After going through what I went through and learning what I did, I won't touch it with a 10 foot pole!

[target-d]

It sounds to me like you know exactly where I'm coming from. You have to let it go. But I think it only comes with time and learning.

 

Although having had the experience once, I have to say, I have made sure I stayed out of it happening again, and I HAVE been approached by married men lying, telling me they were separated or divorced. After going through what I went through and learning what I did, I won't touch it with a 10 foot pole!

I agree about the time and learning. But I guess the reason that some of us post here or in my case lurk here, is because in some small part of our soul we hope that our past bad experience can help someone else in their present bad experience. It doesn't do any good to demonize anyone.

 

The betrayed spouse most generally will demonize the other person. The married Man most often will demonize the other woman. The other woman most often seems to demonize both the married Man and the wife. In reality it's probably not the fault of any one of them but rather of all of them.

 

There are a lot of reasons people cheat. But usually pain has a lot to do with it. Demonizing someone doesn't do anyone any good. It only brings more pain. Let it go. Whether you're the betrayed or the betrayer learn to forgive. Learn to forget. Learn to accept. Live in today.

[scarletletter]

Clearly, both parties are to blame. People just bash the MM cause he seems to be the one that always goes back to the wife...so that leaves some very bitter feelings, I guess.

[Guest]

I know my exMM was a bad guy. I took me months to realize this. I didn't want to believe that someone could actually keep that "hook of hope" out there for me to keep grasping on. Our relationship was a long distance one, we had met online. We did meet each other a few times. I do think he did finally realize what he would lose if he left his wife, she is the breadwinner.

so you wanted a man whose wife supports him? Did you plan on supporting him too?

Of course I can't blame him for everything, I have the power not to answer the phone or talk to him. It took me a long time to realize and to believe that he was just a liar. I never wanted to believe that he was full of it, but he was.

Maybe after he met you in person he just didn't like you. If he was such a liar how do you even know he's married. If he's such a liar may be his wife isn't the breadwinner. Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Or maybe your message is. it sounds crazy to me.

[Torn Up]

Does it really help to make him the bad guy? Is it possible that he is a man that realizes the mistake he made/was making and got out? Could it be that he does realize what he would have lost if he lost his W and family (not just staying for security and stability)?

 

Well, if this was the case in my situation, then the "need" to demonize him wouldn't be an issue for me. But THIS loser deserves nothing less than to be tossed out on his ear and forgotten.

 

As I posted in another thread earlier today, my ex-mm had three affairs before me, making me number FOUR. A mistake on his side? Nope, don't think so. This is one who deliberately seeks out a mistress. So, I guess we can safely assume he feels absolutely NO remorse for the pain he causes others by his selfishness and deceit. Just as long as HIS needs are met and his Texas-sized ego is fed.

 

His affair with me has caused his wife unbearable pain...she is now in therapy and on medication. His daughter is also in therapy and VERY angry. The pain it has caused me has been more than I can bare sometimes...not to mention the anger I feel for myself for falling for his lies and has shaken my self confindence to its core. And everytime I see his wife and daughter around town (we live in a very small one), the guilt about eats me alive. And the looks I get from my co-workers (he and I work together and everybody knows about the affair), shows the digust they feel towards me for my part in the affair.

 

EVERYBODY lost something because of this affair. The only one who gained from it all was HIM. And really, that's what it was all about, wasn't it? For HIM to gain at the cost of everybody else?

 

And you want to know why I demonize him???

 

~Torn~

[target-d]

If he had not acted, no affair would have occurred, no OW would be heartbroken, no wife would be in anguish wondering when the rug was going to get jerked out from under her.

it's also true that if the other woman had not acted, no affair would have occurred and no life (MM, OW or BS) would be in anguish.

 

everyone really does need to take responsibility for their own actions.

[target-d]

Well, if this was the case in my situation, then the "need" to demonize him wouldn't be an issue for me. But THIS loser deserves nothing less than to be tossed out on his ear and forgotten.

 

As I posted in another thread earlier today, my ex-mm had three affairs before me, making me number FOUR. A mistake on his side? Nope, don't think so. This is one who deliberately seeks out a mistress. So, I guess we can safely assume he feels absolutely NO remorse for the pain he causes others by his selfishness and deceit. Just as long as HIS needs are met and his Texas-sized ego is fed.

 

His affair with me has caused his wife unbearable pain...she is now in therapy and on medication. His daughter is also in therapy and VERY angry. The pain it has caused me has been more than I can bare sometimes...not to mention the anger I feel for myself for falling for his lies and has shaken my self confindence to its core. And everytime I see his wife and daughter around town (we live in a very small one), the guilt about eats me alive. And the looks I get from my co-workers (he and I work together and everybody knows about the affair), shows the digust they feel towards me for my part in the affair.

 

EVERYBODY lost something because of this affair. The only one who gained from it all was HIM. And really, that's what it was all about, wasn't it? For HIM to gain at the cost of everybody else?

 

And you want to know why I demonize him???

 

~Torn~

 

But on the other hand, some people are just a**h***s.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Torn,

 

That must have been very hard to find out that you are number 4.

[lovernotafighter]

Torn,

 

That must have been very hard to find out that you are number 4.

my MM told me right away he had 2 other EA's and one escalated to make out sessions.

 

I asked what stopped him from doing what he's doing with me he says that he couldn't trust her..yikes!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I asked what stopped him from doing what he's doing with me he says that he couldn't trust her..yikes!

 

Why did he not trust her??? Does it have to do with STDs?? or that she'd talk all over town?

[lovernotafighter]

Why did he not trust her??? Does it have to do with STDs?? or that she'd talk all over town?

she told him she gets attached easily and probably couldn't deal with the guilt and have to tell her H..who happened to be the brother-law of the owner of the company he worked for..

 

now he has me and he and I are in a equally messed up situation..because he's a boss (different company) and not aloud to be fraternising with underlings..not only that but he mails me in house e-mails giving me all the dirt in the place..yikes again

[OzGirl]

Clearly, both parties are to blame. People just bash the MM cause he seems to be the one that always goes back to the wife...so that leaves some very bitter feelings, I guess.

 

It's not that he goes back to the wife - it's that he goes and the manner in which he does it. Leaving ONLY because you got caught out by the W doesn't make sense to the OW - the OW hasn't DONE anything to insigate it ending when it happens that way.

 

Secondly, the wife has (in mine and other's cases) been cast as someone no one in their right mind would want to spend a lot of time with. So, he not only goes - but goes to someone who's so horrible (we often later realise it's not her who was the horrible one).

 

I haven't "bashed" my ex-MM merely because of bitter feelings. I've been profoundly hurt and surprised he has shown he is a character almost opposite to the one I thought I knew. It's not been just an excercise to vent, or make myself feel higher by putting him down. In fact, making myself feel "higher" out of this amazingly low point in my life has had nothing to do with him, or my thoughts on him - but rather, the thoughts of myself and forgiving myself and realising I should have felt worthy of something better in the first place.

 

So, I disagree on the simple statement that it's a "bashing" borne from bitter feelings of him going back to his wife. I think it's transition of believing a man who was epitomy of fantastic is, in the greater scheme of things, the definition of weak, and the feelings of remorse for a dream lost, regret for a naive endeavour, and anger for the unfairness of being led to believe what he says he wants or will do, he will in fact action.

 

His wife can have him - I'm certainly not jealous of the boobie prize of a husband she has, and yes - he is a weak bastard... that's not my opinion or my "bashing".... that's the truth as he has defined it all by himself.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

So, I disagree on the simple statement that it's a "bashing" borne from bitter feelings of him going back to his wife. I think it's transition of believing a man who was epitomy of fantastic is, in the greater scheme of things, the definition of weak, and the feelings of remorse for a dream lost, regret for a naive endeavour, and anger for the unfairness of being led to believe what he says he wants or will do, he will in fact action.

 

His wife can have him - I'm certainly not jealous of the boobie prize of a husband she has, and yes - he is a weak bastard... that's not my opinion or my "bashing".... that's the truth as he has defined it all by himself.

 

Precisely! There are many reasons why we, as the OW, want to demonize their MM. As I've stated in an earlier post, my reason was to keep myself sane. No one is categorically "evil" or saintly. I don't believe that it is fair to judge the OW by her way of bashing their MM. This is a support forum for the OW, and I read every post with interest.

 

As much as I love my MM, I know deep down - don't ask me how I know this - that he is not a "booby prize". He is human, just like me. I don't like his wife and I don't think that she deserves him. But HE chose her many years ago. That must mean something!

[MsCalisun66]

so you wanted a man whose wife supports him? Did you plan on supporting him too?

 

No, I didn't want a man whose wife supports him and I certainly wasn't going to support him.

 

Maybe after he met you in person he just didn't like you. If he was such a liar how do you even know he's married. If he's such a liar may be his wife isn't the breadwinner. Maybe the whole thing was a scam. Or maybe your message is. it sounds crazy to me.

 

I wish when he met me he didn't like me, but we met a few times after that. It's a long story. The short version, I was getting a divorce, he said he was going to get a divorce, which of course wasn't true. I also know where his wife works and what she does and believe me she makes alot more then him. The scam was him telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, also to wait because he needed to figure out things. When I tried NC with him he still contacted me. It's over now. So believe what you want to believe. I wanted to believe everything he told me about "us" and what "we" would do, which was my mistake. Of course my 1st mistake was getting involved with someone married.

 

I have been lurking for awhile now, I feel for all these OW. **hugs** to all.

[target-d]

No, I didn't want a man whose wife supports him and I certainly wasn't going to support him.

Now I'm curious. If his wife was the breadwinner (and you knew it) and you still wanted to be with him, then what was your plan? (please, no offense, just want to understand)

I wish when he met me he didn't like me, but we met a few times after that. It's a long story.

oh come on, let's have the long version. They're so much more interesting than the reduced ones. (smile...)

I also know where his wife works and what she does and believe me she makes alot more then him.

Now, how do you know that? (just curious. . .)

The scam was him telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me, also to wait because he needed to figure out things. When I tried NC with him he still contacted me. It's over now.

How did it end? Are you OK?

So believe what you want to believe. I wanted to believe everything he told me about "us" and what "we" would do, which was my mistake. Of course my 1st mistake was getting involved with someone married.

well, we've all made our fair share of those. Forgive yourself, and when possible, the MM too. Otherwise you'll just keep hurting.

[NoIDidn't]

 

well, we've all made our fair share of those. Forgive yourself, and when possible, the MM too. Otherwise you'll just keep hurting.

 

 

I'm back. Target-d, ditto that. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. But you still have to do what you can. And while it helps in the anger stage to blame the MM/W, you will eventually have to face yourself and decisions you made that added to the situation.

[Guest]

No, I didn't want a man whose wife supports him and I certainly wasn't going to support him.

you sound so full of sh*t. Why are you complaining? You don't have him. You just sound like sour grapes. He went back to his wife just because she was the bread winner? But asked if you will intended to support him you say "I didn't want a man whose wife supports him" and you weren't going to support him. Your story makes no sense.

 

"I wish when he met me he didn't like me, but we met a few times after that. It's a long story.

so maybe it took him a couple times to figure out that he didn't like you. or maybe he liked what your were giving him a bj or two maybe?

[MsCalisun66]

This is one of the reasons why I never post but figuring these women were in the same boat, it was nice to see I wasn't the only one going through it.

 

Yes..we all make mistakes.

This was a big one, but I learned from it.

For guest...like I said believe what you want.

Obviously you have some issues.

As for my ex-MM, he was a liar. Maybe it was his intention to have fun "playing me", don't MM have better things to do then that.

 

As far as the $ thing goes there are alot of people in marriages, where one partner makes a lot more money and they don't want to give that up no matter how unhappy they are, they want to have their cake and eat it to.

[MsCalisun66]

so maybe it took him a couple times to figure out that he didn't like you. or maybe he liked what your were giving him a bj or two maybe?

 

Nice...thanks for the support on these forums.

Maybe you will actually sign up...

[My_Other_I]

I just love when BSs come here just to direct their anger towards the OW.

I wish you understood that it does you no good, it only harms you more. Immediate satisfaction turns into more anger. Get help. Being stuck on the OW keeps you obsessed with her and for sure does not help your marriage. That is if you want your marriage.

I appreciate others who come here to share and understand the other party. Go kick a punching bag instead, it might be more helpful than attacking people who are numb to it at this point.

[Curmudgeon]

Very simply because regardless of the circumstances, he lacks character, integrity and probably courage. If he had any of those he'd leave an unsatisfying or toxic marriage because it was just that before he'd go off and find himself some side-meat.