The hard part

[otherlover]

Hi everyone...does anyone else feel like they are involved with their mm for a reason? I seem to think that me and him fell in love because we were supossed to. Sometimes we have so much in common its scary. Did anyone else find their soulmate while havin their A? and if so...how are we suppossed to let them go

[Blind Illusion]

Well, I'm someone that thinks everything happens for a reason so, yes, I'll include the MM coming into my life too. There have been a lot of positive benefits of him being in my life.

 

There have been some tears too. And anxiety.

 

I always thought he was my soulmate in a way. Although I hide a lot of the tears and anxious feelings so who knows. Would I do that with a true soulmate.

[Walking away]

My MM and I are soulmates, or so I thought. It is incredibly difficult to let go. Sometimes I think I have, and somethings I think I haven't. Depends on the day. His wife found out about me a month ago, and he elected to stay out of marital duty, family responsibility and religious reasons. (He is an elder in his church). So, our love was sacrificed. It has been incredibly difficult walking away for he still loves me and I still love him. But, I have no choice but to walk away for I will never be the OW again with him. THAT is something that is and always will be a reality for me.

 

But, who knows what the future holds...He is struggling terribly too.

 

Wish I could be more help....

 

Hugs

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I am an OW, and I honestly do not believe in fate. IF we were meant to be together, we'd met BEFORE he got married!! However, I believe that you can find a soulmate in someone other than your spouse... or perhaps, it's just all an illusion out of boredom and desperation?

 

You are probably looking to hear something that re-affirms your passion with your MM. And I don't have any stories for that. I am just angry that my soulmate and I did not find each other sooner. So if this is our fate, it is very cruel, indeed.

[grateful]

In my opinion, holding on to the idea of a soulmate is at best Hollywood and at worst immature. Sparks can fly with a lot of people you meet in the world. True, lasting, meaningful love requires day to day work in the realm of real life (responsibilites like children and finances, hardships like grief and illness, milestones like graduations and promotions) rather than in the realm of fantasy (infatuation, hidden and forbidden love/lust etc). Long term relationships go through ebbs and flows based on how hard the partners are working together to meet each other's needs.

 

I'm not trying to say that people who meet while having an affair could not possibly have the kind of love that I described. It could happen - - after the divorce from the BS. But during the affair, talk of soulmates is a form of alleviating guilt in the sense of "oh well this is happening because of forces bigger than me or him or his wife or their children." That's kind of a cop out, in my humble opinion. If you want to build a lasting meaningful love you first have to be honest and work towards it (seperation, divorce, time apart so he can grieve his relationship, then the all important day to day work of a real life relationship). Thinking that the fantasy of the Hollywood-esque idea of a soulmate will get you through is a recipe for disaster.

[lovernotafighter]

lots of good posts in this thread..I like all the differences of opinion...very nice.

 

for me before this really took off and were only chatting here and there at our jobs but had this crazy attraction. I would back off my MM only to get weird signs.

 

I took my vacation (oddly at this time he did) and went to new york city and I was in times square and I was sitting in a restaurant and I looked up out the window just when I was thinking to myself "why am I missing him?" and his name was on one of the giant marques..of coarse it was someone else but I laughed my butt off.

 

and things like that happened all the time. I never mentioned those things to my MM till one day about 2 months ago he out of the blue he told me he thought he had a angel that keep him out trouble. he said his angel keep giving him signs about me and he'd ask his (angel) aren't you going to stop me because I can't stop myself?

 

things did happen of coarse that should have stopped us but we over came them...so it's particularly hard for me to say..but in the beginning I absolutely thought he was my soul mate.

[lolax]

i definatelty believe in fate, i believe i was destined to meet my mm and the fact that he is married is just a hurdle !! LOVE IS NEVER EASY and i think that there is only one person for each of us in this life and we spend our whole life searching for them !! some of us are lucky enough to find this.....others are not so lucky ,,we either die or spend all our lives with the wrong person.

so yes everything happens for a reason! i wish my mm was not married but he is... im not proud but these feelings are priceless and your a long tome dead!

hope this helps good luck xx:D

[destination_unknown]

I dont have experience with affairs, so i probably shouldnt comment, but ...

 

i kind of agree with grateful and if you were soulmates, wouldnt the mm get a divorce to be with their soulmate?

 

sorry for butting in.

[Ladyjane14]

i kind of agree with grateful and if you were soulmates, wouldnt the mm get a divorce to be with their soulmate?

 

Good question. And if it's "fate" that you find your "soulmate"....how come he's married to someone else in the first place? After all, wasn't he cosmically intended to be yours?

 

I also agree with Grateful. The concept of 'soulmates, fate, and destiny' are pretty good rationalizations.

[scarletletter]

I also believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that my MM came into my life just in time to save me from a terribal, volatile relationship that I was and still am trapped in. He has given me hope and helps me get through every day. I know that we were meant to be together and both of us wish that we had met each other years ago. I think that there are alot of hurdles to jump over in a relationship and both of us being married is the hugest hurdle. We are patient with each other's situations and if we end up together, then it was meant to be...if not, then God has other plans for both of us. Right now I feel like he was sent to me to save my life and my sanity. I don't know what I would do without him right now. I take it for what it is and right now it is far from perfect, but I am so glad to have him anyway that I can so I try not to dwell on the times that I cannot be with him. He is always in my heart and soul.

[Sami_D]

I think things happen for a reason.

 

The thing is, it's so hard to know what that reason is when you're slap bang in the middle of the experience.

 

I have no idea how my MM thing will pan out. I'll let you know what I think it was meant to teach me when I'm out on the other side.

[Guest]

I do not believe there is only one soul mate and you spend your life looking for them...as my grandmother lost her first husband after the war and then remarried a lovely man....if there was only one partner for everyone some people would never find them surely!! Life is full of corners that bring new situations we should cherise every moment as life is too short !

[grateful]

some of us are lucky enough to find this.....others are not so lucky ,,we either die or spend all our lives with the wrong person.

so yes everything happens for a reason!

 

 

Hey lolax... this statement strikes me as kind of sad. That's why I think the idea of soulmates can be hurtful rather than helpful. Just one person in this world for each of us? Such a big world. What about widowed people who find love again? Does that mean they didn't love their first spouse? Or the second one is merely a consolation prize?

 

That's the thing about one soulmate... that makes love something in which you either succeed or fail at. Your quote says some people get it and some people don't.

 

My way of thinking is so much more inclusive. It means that everybody has a chance at true, meaningful, lasting love provided they find a good candidate then work to build love and partnership. With my model, it's not that some people get lucky and some suffer their whole lives... every single person has a chance at getting what they want. I even suggested that it's possible an OW and a former MM can build it after some hard work. All relationships are hard work, all relationships have hurdles. It's how you handle them together that defines true love. Maybe after all that you can realize someone is a soulmate. But I would want to redefine soulmate from someone that you "find" into something more like a state of being that you build.

 

What about a minimum age requirement for soulmate status, y'know sort of like retirement... at least 55 and a minimum 13 years together? Something crazy like that

[cleaverone]

Hello out there to all of you who could be reading and this may concern:

 

I just couldn't stand reading on without posting a reply as I wept for every woman who's involved as the OW. I want to help all of you in some way.

 

I've never actually been the other woman or ever been married yet. However, I've been involved with cheating on my mates and know how it would feel when emotions get involved. At the end, nothing works out, at least not well. And everyone gets hurt.

 

Biologically, women have a lot more tendencies to get emotional and love the men they're with while men have the objective of sexually exploiting the field. Most, not all, men are pigs who are after sex. They will say anything to get into women's pants. I've had quite a few experiences in which even a one night stand would tell me right away that they love me even though I never ended up seeing them again. When a married man does actually show some affection for the other woman, he might have feelings for her, but he'll never likely to leave his wife. Even if he did, he would be the sort man who's more likely to cheat on the next woman he's with; in this senerio, it'd be the once other woman; he'd likely to repeat the cycle. That wouldn't be the sort of man you'd like to have now would it?

 

The difference between a one night stand and the relationship between a married man and the other woman that's been going on for a while is the amount of time involved. The more time and effort that one involves in a subject, the more likely the heuristic of escalation of commitment would occur. An escalation of commitment is the tendency for one to refuse to give up something because so much time and effort's been thrown into the situation.

 

There was a point that destination_unknown made that if that man is the soulmate, he would be more than willing to leave the wife for the woman he supposedly loves, in this case, the OW. If a man truly loves a woman, he would have the respect for her to be with only her and stay true to her.

 

I guess another reason why it's so hard for the other woman to deal with a case like this is because all women, or most women, regardless of demographics, income level, or any differences that set us apart, need to be loved, embraced, treasured, and given security. We're all at one point of time in our childhood been read the bed time story of that one hero that would save us one day, that knight in shiny armours would rescue us from our woes and make us happy and secure. Whether consiously or subconsiously, most women are still hoping for that wonderful guy to come around. That hope could turn out to be false hope invented as a defensive mechanism to prevent us from getting hurt especially in a deadend situation in which the woman's been misled by a man that's either too weak to leave the wife for her or actually has no intention of leaving the wife but keeps the other woman hanging on with little or no consideration for her feelings or the wife's feelings. Also, note, it wouldn't just be the other woman's heart being broken; the wife's heart would be broken too all because of a man who's true to neither one of them.

 

Of course, for an affair to occur, it takes an excuse such as lack of sex in the marriage, a man who's willing to cheat, and the other woman who would allow this to happen. However, I tend to think of it as less of the other woman's fault but the man's fault because if he refused to wreck both women's lives, the women wouldn't be hurt.

 

As far as the point of how many soul mates one can have. It's definately possible that there could be more than one soul mate. However, each love in your life will be different. You will love each man differently, not any more or less, but differently.

 

Dealing with life as a woman is hard enough. When you're involved in a situation as the other woman hopelessly in love with a man or as the wife getting cheated on, it's even harder. Love is when you're suppose to trust someone to protect you, not to hurt you. It's important to get to the point with the man involved to communicate and stop beating around the bush. Demand him to leave her. In the same time, keep a support net work of family, friends, and even professional help (nowadays, it's not only more socially acceptable but in most situations necessary to see counselors and psychiatrist; it won't indicate there's anything "wrong" with you but says that you're willing to seek help to solve your problems).

 

Now, all of you out there should RESPECT yourselves enough not to settle for the position of a doormat. It doesn't matter how nice the married man is to you. As long as he's not willing to cherish you as the only true love in his life, he's mistreating you and disrespecting you. No woman, young or old, tall or short, fat or thin, beautiful or hideous, should settle for that kind of treatment. We all have our values and should value ourselves as the trophies bestowed to this world as we are and are meant to be.

 

Yes, there are soulmates out there for all of us. Where there's a will there's a way. You do have to be realistic and reevaluate the situation to see if the man'd leave the wife for you or not; if he's not, you should move on (not that I'd recommend you to be with him even then because of the likelihood of him doing the same to you in the future as he's done to his current wife but there are different cases). Yes, it's hard to deal with. But remember this, according to one of the most brilliant authors of all time, Alexandre Dumaz, "the most important words of human wisdom is to wait and hope." When you've done all you can, you should wait for the right one to come treat you the way you should be, not to settle for a man who keeps you as his side dish.

 

I'm sorry to have taken so much space, but I just wanted to take the time to give you as much logic and analysis to help you out. Every situation is different. I hope all you ladies out there can find your peace and happiness and success in working out your problems. In the mean time, please take good care of yourselves.

[kpin124]

I believe everything happens for a reason..... I feel that there is a reason why mm came into my life some 3 years ago he has helped me thru a lot of sturggles before we actually admitted feelings for each other and now that we have things have gotten harder but i do believe he is in my life for a reason.... a reason i may never know but i am glad that i have got to share the time that i have with him and i hope that i get to share more time with him if its ment to be then it will happen!

 

 

"Life aint always beautiful

Sometimes it's just plain hard

Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

 

Life aint always beautiful

You think you're on your way

And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

 

But the struggles make you stronger

And the changes make you wise

And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time"

[joodee]

What attracted me to my now ex-MM was that we connected in so many ways. For example, when I wrote about how I did singing gigs, he told me that he thought it was wonderful that I did that. He had all the right encouraging words, and I felt, at last, I met someone who understands me and wants to encourage me, be with me, thinks I'm beautiful, etc.

 

Fast forward to a year after he said that. In that year I discovered that this other wanted to leave her husband for him because (as she wrote): "what if you are the love of my life?" He had her feeling the same way!

 

And another girl said that she loved him and had the best sex of her life with him.

 

And his wife left him a Valentine's Card which said "I'll Never Stop Loving You!" (and they STILL don't live together).

 

All this was while he said he loved me and that I was the only one and that he didn't know how his W felt about him.

 

All these and numerous other women think (or thought) that my ex-MM was her "soulmate", "love of her life", etc.

 

While your MM might not be the big player that mine was, I would still really, really think twice about your MM being soulmate material. Just be with one eye open and don't get caught up with those "indescribable feelings." Don't get caught up in the "what is meant to be stuff", keep those eyes wide open.

[Meaplus3]

Hi everyone...does anyone else feel like they are involved with their mm for a reason? I seem to think that me and him fell in love because we were supossed to. Sometimes we have so much in common its scary. Did anyone else find their soulmate while havin their A? and if so...how are we suppossed to let them go

 

I feel that my EA involvment with a MM most definitely happend for a reason. I never thought I'd end up in this situation, but it feels so right. We have a very strong emotional connection and very big attraction to one another. My situation has not turned sexual yet, but I think we are on the verge of a sexual relationship and it feels so right.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I feel that my EA involvment with a MM most definitely happend for a reason. I never thought I'd end up in this situation, but it feels so right. We have a very strong emotional connection and very big attraction to one another. My situation has not turned sexual yet, but I think we are on the verge of a sexual relationship and it feels so right.

 

 

How can it feel "so right" if what you are doing is WRONG? I don't mean not pass judgement here, but do you see how your logic and sensibility have gone awry?

 

I am an OW, too. But every time I think of my MM, I have to kick myself out of doing so. It is wrong and it will lead to no good for ANY ONE involved.

[OzGirl]

As the only creatures who have a sense of "reason", I don't believe so much that things happen "for a reason", as in, the path we take in life from start to finish is pre-determined and we get to see why things happen in retrospect. What I DO believe is that we need to find reason in what we've done, to make our futures meaningful and purposeful.

 

As time marches on, the consequences of the A I was the OW in seem to be proving equally as positive as they are unfortunate in having to go to such lengths to prove points that are relatively simple in theory.

 

For my ex-MM, I think being caught has been a catalyst for him and his W to be a "team" again - something that was lacking so much so that he didn't worry him to cheat on her, and it didn't occur to her that he was doing it. Though my opinion is their marriage is a farce in so many ways, it's not mine to worry about it. For them, it's tempered the way they were taking their marriage for granted. Whether that's a permanent and positive change is something time will tell - based on their own motivations and individual needs in the long term.

 

As for me, it's made me ultimately, and only of late, look inward and assess - why did this start, why did it continue, what I was really grieving when it was lost, and what I've learnt and, therefore, gained for the entire experience. The answers to these questions have made me think the "good" reason I let this happen was the personal changes and benefits I now have.

 

I still don't feel enticed by a full-time relationship. I do, however, believe I've the right to be more choosey, and not just be swept away by the first man to "woo" me. I do believe I will take things a LOT slower next time around - and enjoy that process for what it is, rather than be swept away for what I want it to be in fairytale land. I will accept that the honeymoon period is not likely to be constant and ongoing. Plus, on an emotional level, each time we suffer something traumatic, I think it equips us better for the next traumatic thing to come along. They might only happen five times in a life time, but you don't know when they will, and you don't know who you will need strength for - you might have children you have to help through a painful experience.

 

So, the "reason" is something you find by choice, and determine by choice, in my opinion. If you want life to be better for it, then it will be. Sometimes, we just have to have a huge "high" to have an equally huge "low" before we take the control of that emotional rollercoaster back off the hands of those who are taking us for the ride, and remind ourselves who's in control of us, and tinker with it until we feel at peace.

[kpin124]

I feel that my EA involvment with a MM most definitely happend for a reason. I never thought I'd end up in this situation, but it feels so right. We have a very strong emotional connection and very big attraction to one another. My situation has not turned sexual yet, but I think we are on the verge of a sexual relationship and it feels so right.

 

 

I understand where you are coming from when you say it feels so right..... I was the same way when ever i would talk to him or see him it did feel so right like we were ment to be together but it was so wrong when i really stepped back and looked at the big picture it was wrong of me to feel that way when i already had a husband.... I miss my mm daily and I still hope that maybe someday we will be able to talk again but for now we are apart he is dealing with his stuff with his w and i am left on my end to keep on going on with out him..... i can't call him i can't email him and i can't text him in fear that she might find out and get suspicious it absolutely sucks but now that i am several weeks into it i am starting to see how wrong it was for me to even start the a with him..... but at the time it did feel so wright....

[kpin124]

So, the "reason" is something you find by choice, and determine by choice, in my opinion. If you want life to be better for it, then it will be. Sometimes, we just have to have a huge "high" to have an equally huge "low" before we take the control of that emotional rollercoaster back off the hands of those who are taking us for the ride, and remind ourselves who's in control of us, and tinker with it until we feel at peace.

 

so true so true...... i don't think i have figured out the reason yet..... i still find myself waiting for him to call so that we can talk again....if and when that day happens i don't really know what i will do..... the high was so great while it lasted and the low was really low not as low as it would have been if my h would have found out but it was low i am lonley and empty with out him and i can't help but wonder if he feels the same way..... i am slowly taking control back and trying to move on and fix what i already have....

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

So, the "reason" is something you find by choice, and determine by choice, in my opinion. If you want life to be better for it, then it will be. Sometimes, we just have to have a huge "high" to have an equally huge "low" before we take the control of that emotional rollercoaster back off the hands of those who are taking us for the ride, and remind ourselves who's in control of us, and tinker with it until we feel at peace.

 

OzGirl, this is an excellent post! And your MM chose his W?? Peeved! What an idiot!

 

How do you formulate these long tribulations? Sometimes, do allow yourself to not be able to explain things... such as why he didn't choose you.

 

I know that my MM and I can never be together as husband and wife. That is the cruelest blow to my heart. We've been careful to not use the "L" word with each other ... because that would just drive us mad. Sometimes,I don't understand the reasons why we are so fond of each other. But who knows, perhaps in 1 year's time, we'd find each other disgusting and unbearable! It is very possible.

[Walking away]

There are so many accomplished, intelligent, dignified OW who write on this forum.....In my own humble opinion, these MM are complete idiots for letting us go.

 

We are worthy of the best life has to offer, and that certainly isn't second best...Life is too short to be miserable. And, overwhelmingly, these relationships have done just that....made us miserable.

 

I know, I know. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows...But, the lows are so incredibly devastating. I think I will choose a more stable relationship next time around....if nothing else, for my sanity.

 

There is life after the MM. I believe it with all of my heart. As do many of us women posting here.

 

Keep your chins up!

[OzGirl]

 

How do you formulate these long tribulations? Sometimes, do allow yourself to not be able to explain things... such as why he didn't choose you.

 

 

I don't know how I formulate them - I just say what I truly believe and every day try and live better by. I don't at all expect it makes sense to everyone, or that my thoughts apply to anyone - but SO many women have written posts in the threads on LS and I think OMG - HOW did she read my mind so clearly - and it makes me feel better to think GOOD, I'm not so silly in this whole crappy thing - others have done it and felt it - maybe I'm not so abnormal....

 

He didn't choose me - I know the reason. It just annoys me that he doesn't...

[lovernotafighter]

OzGirl, this is an excellent post! And your MM chose his W?? Peeved! What an idiot!

How do you formulate these long tribulations? Sometimes, do allow yourself to not be able to explain things... such as why he didn't choose you.

 

I know that my MM and I can never be together as husband and wife. That is the cruelest blow to my heart. We've been careful to not use the "L" word with each other ... because that would just drive us mad. Sometimes,I don't understand the reasons why we are so fond of each other. But who knows, perhaps in 1 year's time, we'd find each other disgusting and unbearable! It is very possible.

 

ozgirl and so many other woman on this forum are so inspiring to me..I swear I will never forget all the strengh I've found here in just the short while I've been visiting..it's truly amazing to me.

 

my MM and I didn't drop the L word till around late January ,early February and we rarely use it now..the last couple of weeks it has grown..the only thing we always do is end every letter with love 'so-and so' that's the most of it.

 

we act really awkward when we get mushy,it's like we are children all over again.

 

There are so many accomplished, intelligent, dignified OW who write on this forum.....In my own humble opinion, these MM are complete idiots for letting us go.

We are worthy of the best life has to offer, and that certainly isn't second best...Life is too short to be miserable. And, overwhelmingly, these relationships have done just that....made us miserable.

I know, I know. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows...But, the lows are so incredibly devastating. I think I will choose a more stable relationship next time around....if nothing else, for my sanity.

There is life after the MM. I believe it with all of my heart. As do many of us women posting here.

Keep your chins up!

 

I have to agree with you 110% WA to many fabulous women on here...the MM's are quite mad to let them go...but I do believe it will bite them all on the ass eventually..mark my words on this.

 

the more I think of my reasons for me and my MM I'm thinking it might have nothing to do with us being together at all but to gage what we are looking for in a relationship in the future.

 

we are perfect to each other,but we aren't getting the full effect of a real relationship,the truth of the matter is we are getting the best of what we are..not the crumbs that every real relationship has.it is easy for me to idolise what I have with him and I'll be looking for some of the magic with someone else.

 

I don't know how I formulate them - I just say what I truly believe and every day try and live better by. I don't at all expect it makes sense to everyone, or that my thoughts apply to anyone - but SO many women have written posts in the threads on LS and I think OMG - HOW did she read my mind so clearly - and it makes me feel better to think GOOD, I'm not so silly in this whole crappy thing - others have done it and felt it - maybe I'm not so abnormal....

He didn't choose me - I know the reason. It just annoys me that he doesn't...

 

I am gonna try to do the same..be strong in spirit and even if I don't think I can today I'll just do it the best I can...and before I know it I will be living this incredibly strong and fulfilling life.

 

when I read many women's posts that are so much like what I feel, I feel sorry for our MM's you know? because we all seem to be heading towards a spiritual awaking with forgiveness and love and acceptance. that when it's all said and done we really will be the better person for it..if that makes sense.

 

they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger..and don't we know it!

 

when you say "He didn't choose me - I know the reason. It just annoys me that he doesn't"

 

I totally understand this post even with out you elaborating..

 

I see it in my MM..I just wish he's do whats right for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones..which is what he is doing.