Roosteriffic Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 A little over a month ago, my boyfriend of three years and I broke up for the second time. We had broken up in October and gotten back together two months later. But then we broke up again. It was a weird break up. For just a couple of weeks I felt that he was very distant and that he was not making an effort to make me happy or spend time with me. I had felt that way for a while and tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't do much to make me feel love and appreciated. I confronted him about it one day in tears and he told me that he "lost feelings for me" and that was it. I called him several times crying and begging him to work things out. Three years was a long time, and we had a very intimate relationship. He claimed he really wanted to be my best friend but that was it. He said me calling him and crying just stressed him out and that he would be happy when he felt like I was moving on. A while later I went on a date with a guy. In fact, we went on three dates, and I really liked this guy. I ended up talking to my ex-boyfriend about it, and I told him "Don't worry about me bugging you any more about the relationship, I'm happy about this guy and I hope I can get to know him better." He seemed cool about it. Then later that night he showed up at my house and cried and told me he "didn't know what he had when he had it because he never had anything to compare it to." We had sex and he cried and kissed me and it was extremely passionate. Then afterwards we talked some more and he went home and that was it. Later I was expecting him to act that same way but he was back to his old "I just want to be friends" self. Things didn't work out with the other guy, so I was back to just being by myself. Throughout the next couple of weeks things he would come close to me and then pull away again. When I didn't talk to him or seem available he would find some way to communicate with me. Then he would treat me very kindly if we spent time together, and sometimes he would say things along the lines of us getting back together... and then he would go back to being distant. The on and off stuff drove me crazy because I just wanted to be with him. I was feeling confused. I decided to truly let him go so he could have his space. I thought it would help with some of the confusion. I stopped returning his calls. Finally one night I was out and we ran into each other and he approached me and was upset I wasn't answering his calls. He said he wanted to be good friends and that I was making it difficult and that I wasn't being fair. I told him, "I feel confused sometimes and it really hurts me. If you want to be my friend, PLEASE JUST TREAT ME LIKE ONE and don't confuse me." He said that he still had some feelings for me and wanted to be able to express them; he told me to just "chill out." The next day he called me and he ended up coming over. We hung out just like old times; we ate ice cream together and watched TV and cuddled, and he spent the night. For two nights in a row. And he could not stop cuddling with me or wanting to be around me. He wanted to talk all night and hold me and it felt great. I assumed that because things went so well we could discuss working things out. But after those two wonderful days, he went back to his unpassionate, unemotional state. He would care about talking to me and occasionally hanging out but not with the same passion and enthusiasm as before. This on and off thing is really killing me and I need to know what is going on. He still has feelings for me obviously, so what is he doing? Is he playing games? I want to be there for him because we both love each other very much. But it's hard to be his friend when he acts like this. It really upsets me and I feel like I am being whipped around.
SuperMonk Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 However way you do it, however when you do it, you must cease communication and seeing him.
serial muse Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 God, that sucks. I feel for you. I think it's really obnoxious that he told you to "chill out". You didn't return his phone calls, so he approaches you and is upset about it and says you aren't being fair , and you need to chill out? No. You do need to cut this tie. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't want to lose the possibility of having you around, in some capacity or other, but that nebulous state isn't fair to you and it's pretty crappy of him not to see that. The stuff he's saying is really selfish. You don't owe him friendship. You gave him friendship as a gift, and he abused it. Take it back from him; he hasn't earned it. Spend time away from him, and heal.
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 It's over and this is why couples can't stay and be friends when they break up. As awful and painful as it will be for BOTH of you - Now is the time to talk to him, tell him you will always love him - But for your sanity and his, the best thing is to not be friends and go into "no contact mode."
Author Roosteriffic Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 I don't know. There are many things that are hard to explain. I guess it would be right to sever all ties...but we have such a strong friendship and this closeness that we have never had with anyone else. I feel like giving that up would be foolish. He is the only person I can really talk to and be comforted by. I feel like he is my best friend, and he WANTS to be best friends. I just wish he would change his mind and just say he wants to be with me. Because I know that part of him wants that...I don't get why the other part is saying no. This just hurts.
serial muse Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I don't know. There are many things that are hard to explain. I guess it would be right to sever all ties...but we have such a strong friendship and this closeness that we have never had with anyone else. I feel like giving that up would be foolish. He is the only person I can really talk to and be comforted by. I feel like he is my best friend, and he WANTS to be best friends. I just wish he would change his mind and just say he wants to be with me. Because I know that part of him wants that...I don't get why the other part is saying no. This just hurts. I know; believe me. But there are two things you need to come to accept here: 1. he's only acting like a best friend perhaps 50% of the time. The rest of the time he is not comforting, or close, or a strong friend to you. And 2. you don't really want friendship anyway. Even if, someday, friendship with this man is possible, you cannot be his friend right now without hurting yourself. If he cares about you, he will acknowledge that, and want you to take care of yourself. This is not about him and his feelings; this is about you and yours. How is he being considerate of you in this situation?
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