officespace Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Well, I did it! After yet another "vanishing" period, I ended it. His reaction has shaken me but I have not yet broken down. I am still very in love with this guy. Any advice would be appreciated!!! I'll paste in the email chain below (can't believe he couldn't even call me in person!) I removed all names. Please read it and tell me what you think of his response. Is this normal? I did not respond to his last email. I can't believe he could say those things to me. All the things HE is is what he screamed at me in this email. Does he really mean this crap or did he say it to hurt me? To manipulate me? I'm so heartbroken that he could treat me like this, after treating me like a princess in the beginning. One thing I have not yet mentioned -- this guy is a diagnosed Narcissist. When you read this, keep in mind we were seeing each other 2 months before he moved out. It has been 9 months we have been together, and 7 months since he moved out and got his own apartment. [FONT=tahoma, new york, times, serif] My email #1 Well, it's pretty obvious that you are avoiding me. I'm not really sure why, but I'll back off and leave you alone. I won't call you anymore. I really, really don't want to fight with you and I wish we could be kind and mature about this, but regardless I will leave you alone. Take care of yourself. Call me when you are ready. His Email #1 Hey. Yeah, I'm down in the dumps right now. I didn't really realize I was avoiding you until I was well into that cycle. So much is happening right now... too much drama, for one. I'm sure it's plain to you but I just sort of hit critical mass and shut down automatically. I'm not going to just stop talking to you once and for all altogether. I just couldn't take all the pressure coming from all directions - work, you, and (the wife) . (The wife) and I got into a massive fight over the weekend and one result of that is that I no longer have a key to that place. I won't be staying over there anymore. The kids will be coming with me over to my place everytime I see them now. It's a bitch getting (the wife) to be reasonable about letting me take (the baby). But I refuse to give in to that and let my kids suffer for some bulls*** between (the wife) and me - like my parents did to (my sister) and me. So much more to talk about but I still haven't quite rebooted yet. Doubt you'll want to continue talking to me after I do anyway. I wouldn't blame you. I don't know if I'm ready for a full blown relationship anyway. I'm sorry. My Email #2 I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles. I know it must be really hard. Change and letting go is very hard. I guess "you and I" were the last thing on your mind in the last week. It sucks that I can't say these things in person, or over the phone. I fear that without voice tone, inflection and body language, you will read them as angry or mad. I am not. I am calm and clear-headed. I am resigned to and accepting the reality of the situation. And I am saying these things with sadness, regret and compassion. I am speaking to you from my heart. There is so much that could be said from my end but there is really no point. I've been quite vocal in my feelings, and besides, you've heard most of it already, probably many times over! I do wish you could understand how hurtful and devastating and confusing it is to have someone you love, someone who is supposed to be your boyfriend, just vanish on you for days, over and over again. I don't deserve that from anyone. I also wish you could have told me these things in person, or at least over the phone, rather than email. Email is very impersonal and I deserve better. But, ha! Guess what I figured out? I cannot change you! LOL All I can do going forward is take care of myself, be good to myself, work to make a better and make sure that in the future, I am treated the way I expect to be treated; the way I deserve to be treated. I'm not upset about this anymore, but I do want to tell you that I was really hurt and embarrassed when I had hardly talked to you in two days (except for two 5 min calls on Weds. evening) and you called me at 5:30pm from (his friend's) phone to ask me to come down late and wait for you to get home at 10:30 pm from going out with the guys. Then, did not call as you said you would, only to ask again via email. I felt really disrespected. I felt like you were treating me like just a booty call, like (his friend) does with his girls. I thought I meant more to you than that. My feelings were very hurt and I was embarrassed that your friend saw you talking to me like that. In your email, you said you really wanted to see me. But, then you did not call until 8:30 on Friday and not once over the weekend. I have to say.....I'm really sad about the way things turned out between us. It's a sad ending to what could have been a promising future and a real chance at a happy, fulfilling life together. But I know and I really see now that you are not ready for that. I will really miss being with you; spending time with you and the love and closeness and affection that we shared. I miss that so much. And I am grieving for the loss for what we could have been, what we could have had together. I am letting go of all the hope and dreams that we talked about. I held on so tightly to those hopes to sustain me in the times when my loneliness and pain was too much to take. Now I know I have to let go. There is a part of me that is angry. But mostly, to be honest, I am just sad. I miss my friend. If we talk, I will not be mean. I will not yell. I do not want to fight. I mean that with all my heart. I care about you so much. I only want the best for you. I really mean it when I say I hope that one day, we can be friends again. Although I dread this, at some point, I do need to collect my things from your apartment and exchange keys. It doesn't have to happen immediately, unless you want it to. It's not really something I am looking forward to, quite honestly. I'm hoping you didn't throw my stuff away but I don't think you would do that. I miss you and I will always love you. If you really need a friend to talk to, you can talk to me. I would love to see you get back into therapy. I think it would be valuable for you right now. Hang in there. Things WILL get better. You just have to get thur the rough times. If you can get thru it, you will grow and be a stronger person, for yourself and for your children. I Love You. His Email #2 [/FONT] [FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]I'm sorry too. I'm a little disappointed though that you want to pin all fault on me. I didn't just up and decide to disappear - you had just a little to do without. Think about it. You make all kinds of assumptions about what's going on - even now, in your message below - and then you react to those assumptions and give me MASSIVE drama. You say so much how you're always thinking about those around you before yourself but that's not really true. You do a lot for those you care about but you're not as selfless as you say you are. I really needed you to be there for me these past few weeks but it seemed that most of the time we spent together was filled with drama - A LOT of it - and you feeling sorry for yourself. Damn, it makes me angry. If you just had more patience and stopped thinking about yourself so damned much then maybe we could have gotten past this. But you just assumed because I didn't immediately stop sleeping over at (the wife's) (to be with my KIDS) that meant that things weren't moving forward with our divorce. The point of our (yours and mine) last convo in person was precisely that! But you took it your way and totally freaked out. It seemed like you translated what I was saying to mean that I still wanted to be with (the wife) or something and therefore that must have meant I didn't want to be with you since I was not moving forward fast enough. You talk about disrespect. You may not have disrespected me, per se, but you also didn't treat me very well. You had your moments, yes... when things were going your way. But when you believed things weren't going your way (with regard to me and my sitch) or you weren't the absolute center of my attention well I could be sure a buttload of drama was coming my way. What about understanding? Nope. Not much there. I expect a certain level of treatment too... and you just weren't providing that. What about compassion? Not much of that either. *I* can only take so much, you know. I told you over and over that the drama was starting to get to me. But you just couldn't stop thinking about yourself. What else was I supposed to do? And your whole interpretation about the call on (his friend's) phone is complete BS. I've never treated you like a bootie call. In fact, just the day prior (his friend) and I had a conversation in which *he* concluded that I was developing some serious, deep feelings for you. But you just continually assume the worst... What is it with you womanly types anyway? lol! Seriously, it seems like so many women just always want to assume the worst. You do that, you know. Finally (I know, it's all one big paragraph but f*** it - I'm too exhausted to worry about grammar right now), your reasoning that I am toiling with change and letting go is all WRONG. My relationship with (the wife) is over and if papers were in front of my right now I wouldn't be able to sign them fast enough. No... I am upset because (the wife) has cut me off from seeing my kids whenever I want to - the f***ing b****. I hate her for that. But I bet *that* thought never crossed your mind, did it? Oh well, in the end, though, I think this is probably what I need - to be alone. My kids are my focus, as they should be. P.S. What cracks me up when I think about it is that the last night we spent together (when you woke me up at 4:00 AM or whatever it was) was that you actually said "you lashed out at me!" You must have been referring to my outburst when I said something about the "price to pay" for talking to you being a whole lot of drama. Well I said that, yes. But you act as if I just sprung out and randonmly attacked you without provocation. Dude, let me tell you. You were acting NASTY that night... NAAAASSSTTY! Pretty much most of that night consisted of you slowly lashing out at me over time. But you don't see it that way and probably never will... [/FONT]
Walking away Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I am sure you are one, big, gaping wound right now. Grieve, as I am. Let it out. There are SO MANY of us where you are..You feel like someone just punched you in the gut. Your heart is in your feet, your stomach is in knots. We all get it. We feel it too. I am here for you in your time of need, just as others have been there for me in my desperate hours. Let it out. Post. See this as group therapy for your soul. My prayers are with you.
Author officespace Posted March 31, 2006 Author Posted March 31, 2006 thank you for your support. it means alot. he really shocked me with his angry, mean reaction. he only did this once before when i really broke up with him. last time, i freaked out and went running back, saying he was right and that i would work on myself, blah, blah, blah.... I talked to my guy friends and they said the reason he said all that crap is not to hurt me.....he did it out of anger and to manipulate me into continuing the conversation. they said that as long as he can keep me talking, he can control and manipulate me. they said they have even done the same thing and to not believe a word of his crap. so i did not reply, although i almost had a meltdown. i'm selfish! i treated him bad? i'm impatient. wow, talk about projection. he IS the most selfish person i have ever met, stringing two women along for 9 months to have unrestricted access to his kids. he needs to grow up. i have to say i am taking a bit of sick pleasure out of the fact that for 9 months, he's had both of us like strings on a puppets. now, within the span of 3 days, she took his key away and cut him off from staying there, and i dumped him. he's never been told 'no' and it's not going over well. i hope she stick to her resolve. and i hope i do, too. the only thing that worries me a little is this....i had an ex-boyfriend who was very much like my MM. all of a sudden, his world came crashing down too. lost his job, we broke up, and his ex-wife remarried. he threatened to kill himself but i figured he was so in love with himself, he would never do it. Well, he did. He did end up taking his life. And I had felt guilty that I was not there for him. We were in NC during that time. I guess that scar is affecting my guilt with this guy. How do I get past that?
Ladyjane14 Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 ....And I had felt guilty that I was not there for him. We were in NC during that time. I guess that scar is affecting my guilt with this guy. How do I get past that? You realize that you aren't in control of other people's choices. If God, Himself, gives us free will to make our own decisions...what hubris to think that we can make choices for each other. You didn't misunderstand this guy's email. What he said essentially was..."Me. Me. Me." He's just laying a guilt-trip on you because his life isn't proceeding in the most comfortable way. You aren't responsible for that. It's not your fault. He's making his own choices. I didn't see one iota of concern for YOU. All I saw was blame.
Walking away Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 You are NOT responsible for another person's actions. That suicide, however horrible it was, was NOT your fault. Never blame yourself for that. Never. You are responsible for your own actions and NO ONE else's. Remember that. \ Hugs
whichwayisup Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 How can you get past all of this? Go to therapy and don't feel bad about needing some extra help. You are responsible for your own happiness, so fix what is broken, come out of this a stronger and wiser person, then live your life and don't look back.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 Officespace, I agree with the other posters here. Your MM sound extremely self-centered and immature. Good riddance! Do not worry about him taking his own life - you have no control over his actions and you are not responsible for his life. You have to take care of you now. Don't look back! Good luck.
Aaurora Posted March 31, 2006 Posted March 31, 2006 I am not sure....his email was filled with emotions and anger...It seems to me that he is in a lot of pain of his own right now. He should have slept on his email and looked at it again the next day - I'm sure he wouldn't have sent something as nasty as that. I would back off and give him time to grieve for his relationship with his W. I don't think it's over between you two.
Author officespace Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 I am not sure....his email was filled with emotions and anger...It seems to me that he is in a lot of pain of his own right now. He should have slept on his email and looked at it again the next day - I'm sure he wouldn't have sent something as nasty as that. I would back off and give him time to grieve for his relationship with his W. I don't think it's over between you two. I feel the same way, that he was very reactive in his email. He isn't ready and he does need space. But, I can't date him again. There's been too much hurt. I do wish to be friends one day. I just cannot believe he could say those things to me. I didn't deserve that at all. I was supposed to pick up my stuff from his place yesterday but I just couldn't. I didn't even get out of bed.
Author officespace Posted April 5, 2006 Author Posted April 5, 2006 You realize that you aren't in control of other people's choices. If God, Himself, gives us free will to make our own decisions...what hubris to think that we can make choices for each other. You didn't misunderstand this guy's email. What he said essentially was..."Me. Me. Me." He's just laying a guilt-trip on you because his life isn't proceeding in the most comfortable way. You aren't responsible for that. It's not your fault. He's making his own choices. I didn't see one iota of concern for YOU. All I saw was blame. It's not about hubris. My fear is irrational, based on a very traumatic event in my past. I realize I cannot control other people's choices. It just makes me a little nervous and I thought verbalizing this would help me resolve that itching fear. But yes, his email was ALL me, me, me....while telling me I am self-centered. It's almost as if he had a break with reality. Projecting all HIS flaws on me. It's so strange and very hurtful.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 5, 2006 Posted April 5, 2006 It's not about hubris. Sorry. I'm not getting my words out just right lately. I meant that in it's broadest terms, hoping that you should liberate yourself of that particular sense of responsiblity. What I'm trying to say is that if God gives us free will to choose our destiny, who are we to take on the responsibility of anyone else's choices? This guy seems to blame you for how life is treating him....but he's the one who's in control of his own life! How are his circumstances YOUR FAULT, when he's the guy in the driver's seat? All I'm saying is don't allow him to elevate you to that sense of responsibility. And certainly, don't voluntarily take it on. It's not your place to live his life for him.
Author officespace Posted April 6, 2006 Author Posted April 6, 2006 It's been a week and a half since the pathetic break up emails (2 1/2 since we "really" broke up) and I am starting to get weak. I didn't pick up my stuff the other day and I sent another email asking to get it this weekend. I send it Tuesday and so far, no response. This hurts so bad. Why is he being so mean? What did I ever do? It's bad enough to break up but with him being so hurtful, it makes it so much worse. What do I do? Just keeping going, huh, one more day of NC, and then another. This is so hard. I'm dying to call him and just smooth things over so that he doesn't hate me at least, but why do I need that? Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I'm finding it hard to even get out of bed these days.
Sami_D Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Officespace, if I were you, in addition to this site I'd try the 'Pink board' on gloryb.com. There is lots of advice and constant support there from people who are breaking up with MM. Best of luck, and keep strong.
Walking away Posted April 6, 2006 Posted April 6, 2006 Keep on keeping on. There is a life after this man. Say it...Believe it. I know that we all have men in our pasts that we thought we would die for and now, they don't even cause our hearts to even skip a beat. This man is no different. Do not ALLOW him to take you down the road of depression. You are stronger than that. NO ONE is worth that. You are strong. You need to believe that. And I will believe it for you until you do. There is nothing worse than feeling abandoned. It sucks, I know. But, you will get through this. We are here for you.
zarathustra Posted April 7, 2006 Posted April 7, 2006 Take one day at a time Officespace. One day may be bad and the next may be better or worse, but we can only take it one day at a time. Someday, the tears will stop flowing for this man. It will stop... eventually. I'm not the kind that heals quickly... I'm too sentimental. There are friends that have passed on in this life that I'll still cry a tear for every so often, even though they've been gone for years.
Recommended Posts