He says 'wait and see what happens', What??

[basscatcher]

My other thread is long so I'm gonna cut it to this one.

 

Talked with Charlie last night.

 

I had a really bad night with my xh being a complete jerk and harrassing me all frickin day. I wish that man would just fall of the face of the earth and live on mars....

 

I opened up more to Charlie and I told him that logically I want to end our relationship because it is causing me so much heartache and that my heart doesn't want to give up yet.

 

He told me to 'Wait, and see what happens!'.

I said, 'What?" sharply and I snapped at him and told him that the last two weeks have been hell on me and he isn't making me happy.

He asked me to "Wait, you never can tell what will happen."

He told me 'If I HAVE TO move on then do it if someone else will make me happy' then he added 'Wait and see what happens."

He kept repeating for me to 'wait'.

 

I take that as he doesn't want me to give up on us.

 

He told me that I will never be rid of him, he said he won't let that happen. He said I am stuck with him in my life forever now. He said even if he and I aren't dating that he will still call me, he will still be my friend. He said "You will find out what a real male friend is for the first time in your life."

He chuckled and teased and repeated also that I will never be able to get rid of him..

 

WTF WTF WTF WTF,, WTFH???????????

 

Is this a sick way of stringing me along or does he feel that things will change for us?

He said again that he doesn't know what he wants and he doesen't evern know who the hell he is so how could he know what he wants.

 

He expressed he wants to still date me, go out, have fun, meet up in the evenings. I told him he can do that with anyone.. I said what sets me apart from others. What makes me so special that sets me different then just a friend; excluding the sexual benefit.

He excused answering that by repeating he doesn't know what he wants.

 

Ugh this man drives me crazy. He asked me to take it so and wait.

 

All he says is "you never can tell, you never know, wait and see."

 

I told him this hurts because he is in my heart and he replied "your in my heart too."

 

f***en MAN!!!

 

He was a great support regarding my XH though, When Charlie called I was fumming.. I could have kicked arse with how f***en angry I was with my XH.. I would have truly hurt my XH if he would have been in my face.. He would have ended up in the hospital... That man is just evil and his mother should have swallowed the load...............

 

The only thng that was good out of meeting that man was my son and daughter (she passed away)..

 

Oh, I needed to vent..

[whichwayisup]

I think he is more or less telling you - He wants to date you and let the relationship be casual. Slow it down and get to know eachother more, have FUN and not let it be so intense and serious. Just my take on it.

[basscatcher]

I think he is more or less telling you - He wants to date you and let the relationship be casual. Slow it down and get to know eachother more, have FUN and not let it be so intense and serious. Just my take on it.

 

I agree because of how he speaks to me. He doesn't want to give up and he doesn't want me too either but he is willing to allow me to go if that is what I want..

 

My feelings are intense for him and I am serious about him but he isn't like me.

 

Most people don't feel as deeply as I do about people.

Most people don't feel as intense as I do about others either.

I am so intuned with my feelings; the power of the intensity of them; the deepness of the connection of them is so over powering sometimes and I feel like I'm gonna float away and become a cloud so gracefully drifting around the globe.

'Hell I don't need drugs to get high; I just need to fall in love..'

 

Charlie suggested that I change some things about myself last night and I told him that if he is asking me to not be so affectinate, caring, loving, giving, and caretaking then he is asking me to change what God created in me as a woman. As a individual. I told him those things about me cannot and will not change. I am what I am. This is what makes me who I am. It is God given. Being who I am in this aspect is the core of me. I told him if he can't handle it then he needs to move on and let me go.

 

I reminded him that when he is intoxicated that he is also loving, affectionate and caring. I told him I believe he is the same in his core but he hasn't been conditioned to bring it fourth because he didn't have it while growing up. It was stiffled and wasn't encouraged to come out but he has it in him also. I see it when he is in the carefree state under the influence of alcohol.

He couldn't refute or dispute it.

[Art_Critic]

It is never going to go anywhere with him..

 

He has just told you that he just wants to f*** you and that is it.. the rest of the stuff he told he said knowing you would need something so he could continue to f*** you..

 

you need to cut the cord

[basscatcher]

It is never going to go anywhere with him..

 

He has just told you that he just wants to f*** you and that is it.. the rest of the stuff he told he said knowing you would need something so he could continue to f*** you..

 

you need to cut the cord

 

So let me cut off sexual relations with him and see what happens.

[Art_Critic]

So let me cut off sexual relations with him and see what happens.

 

You should.... if he can't come across with a commitment

 

But he will just tell/give you some of what you are looking for till you break down and give in.

 

It's all about sex to him..

[alphamale]

He said I am stuck with him in my life forever now.

thats a little wierd...

 

He said again that he doesn't know what he wants and he doesen't evern know who the hell he is so how could he know what he wants.

....you should believe him 110% when he says this.

[basscatcher]

I have been wondering if I should just start playing around sort-of like last summer. Keep Charlie stringing along to see if he will take a change of direction on me, no sex and just do my thing on the side.

 

I met this other guy, Kevin, last weekend and he really wanted me to call him...

 

I don't know if this would be playing with fire. I tend to develop feelings unexpectedly and I don't want to put myself between a rock and a hard place if I have to make a choice..

 

I'm not the kind of woman to play and make men into toys.. I just don't have the cold heart to be able to sustain that.

[whichwayisup]

Most people don't feel as deeply as I do about people.

Most people don't feel as intense as I do about others either.

I am so intuned with my feelings; the power of the intensity of them

 

Knowing this, how could he live up to that? Is it possible, at some point, if you still want him as your boyfriend, that you lessen your expectation level from him abit?

 

I get what you're saying though. With me, it's the giving thing. I'm a very giving person and all my friends/family know this about me. If I expected them to be as giving as me, I'd be really disappointed...So I just don't. I'd be crazy too, to expect them to give as much as I do. So, it is possible for you to allow Charlie to be himself, yet believe him and feel that love in HIS way at times? I mean, still there is no reason why he can't bend abit too...

[catgirl1927]

I'm not the kind to toy with men either. Your best bet is to cut him loose. Tell him you're not willing to "wait." And MEAN it. That's the tough part. Don't play games. He can't make you do anything. Just end it. If no contact will be the best way for you to accept it and let go, then tell him so and stick to it.

 

Call Kevin and move the hell on. He says he doesn't know what he wants, well, then he doesn't know if he wants you. You deserve someone with enough sense to know they want you.

[blind_otter]

I personally get freaked out if a guy says "You won't be able to get rid of me" which in my mind translates to "HI, I am a potential stalker."

 

I agree with Artholomew. Cut off the sex.

[SuperMonk]

Yo padameckla, from what I understand from this post you are communicating with your exhusband, WHY?

 

If you're having a bad time with him or had baggage you didn't get rid of, it draws the worse in you and brings the worse out of your dating partners.

 

I dated a girl that I shared some commonalities till her more weirder side came out and I learned it was from all her past baggage with guys that messed her up sexually (raped) or was cheated on. She carried that and it was not a pretty relationship. I don't blame her though, I had my own probs but hers was carrying a lot more weight for me than it should and I felt she was too much high maintenance considering I have things to take care of like paying bills and shat.

[grateful]

I agree with the advice you are getting here - it is time to let go. The chuckling, the weird threat-like insistence that he will continue to call you, the vague answer "wait" - - - - - how is any of this even an attempt to meet your emotional needs?

 

It doesn't sound like he is trying very hard, but he knows that you will. He knows that you are very intensely committed to the relationship (because you've told him so).

 

And take some time to yourself. Be careful with Kevin. Sometimes its good to meet someone and get along that intensely. But he told you so much about him, the 3 DUIs, etc it seems a little sketchy too. The fact that you went out this weekend feeling bad about Charlie and trying to feel good about yourself probably means you were very vulnerable. What if he was the kind of guy that recognized that and knew exactly what to say. What if he is a manipulator?

 

Just be careful and give yourself time. You seem so loving and open in your posts, you deserve someone who will be good to you not try to control you. Move on for yourself and by yourself. When you give Kevin a chance - go slow!

[basscatcher]

I personally get freaked out if a guy says "You won't be able to get rid of me" which in my mind translates to "HI, I am a potential stalker."

 

I agree with

Artholomew .

Cut off the sex.

 

Gawd will he become like his Xgf with me?

She staks him and he ignors her (at least he claims he does).

He and I have switched roles from his previous relationship.

He is like she was and I am like he was. Yikes..

 

I do think I will with hold sex and see if he is just as interested in going out and dating me as much as before.

I don't think it will change much through because he is use to having female friends to just hang out with. I think it will only cause him to be more physically and emotionally distant and I will fall deeper and deeper into the freind mode.

 

He said he would be comfortable with being friends with me if that is what I wanted.

I told him I wouldn't because if I seen him with another woman I would freak and flip out.. Jealousy would rule..

[blind_otter]

Gawd will he become like his Xgf with me?

She staks him and he ignors her (at least he claims he does).

He and I have switched roles from his previous relationship.

He is like she was and I am like he was. Yikes..

 

 

This is a common thing. People with unresolved issues from previoius relationships sometimes pantomime everything out in the opposite roles. I did that with the scottish dude I who wanted to marry me. The psycho I was with before him was out doing cocaine and drinking all the time and was totally just not there emotionally.

 

Sadly, when I got into the relationship with the scottish guy -- I was doing exactly what my psycho ex did to me. And then the relationship ended. It was a rebound, to the max.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Artholomew

 

I can't stop laughing! F**k'n hilarious!

[basscatcher]

Yo padameckla, from what I understand from this post you are communicating with your exhusband, WHY?

 

If you're having a bad time with him or had baggage you didn't get rid of, it draws the worse in you and brings the worse out of your dating partners.

 

I dated a girl that I shared some commonalities till her more weirder side came out and I learned it was from all her past baggage with guys that messed her up sexually (raped) or was cheated on. She carried that and it was not a pretty relationship. I don't blame her though, I had my own probs but hers was carrying a lot more weight for me than it should and I felt she was too much high maintenance considering I have things to take care of like paying bills and shat.

 

Ahhh, I will explain XH-asshule (I will call him D) as short as I can: Since I walked out on him back in 1998, he has alienated his son. He didn't spend quality time alone with him. He paid more attention to his drinking buddies then his son on his visitation weekends. I had to bring our son to him and pick him up. I also brought bags of grocerys with so my son could eat while visiting his father. D would leave him (2nd grader) in his house alone while he went uptown to the bar in the evenings and would come home drunk and sometimes with women.

 

D eventually moved to Tennessee. he quit his job, alienated his friends also and moved in with his mom and dad. He remained unemployeed for about 3 1/2 years in which time I wasn't getting any child support or financially support from him. D rarely called his son. He would go months without calling and he never wrote him a letter. Then he obtained a gf (my gf now-Julie) who tried to bring D and his son's relationship together. It failed... D is more into himself and his life then his son. He has always put his son 2nd or last.

 

Now all these years later after alienating his son (now 16 yrs old) he wants to rebuild what has been so badly damaged. T (our son) doesn't want anything to do with him. He doesn't want to see him unless grandma or grandpa are there, he doesn't want to talk to him. NOTHING...

 

D expects me to help him make amends with T. T doesn't want it. So therefore D is pushing me and trying to manipulate me into helping him. I have tried in the past and I gave up. T has made it clear to me what he wants at this point in his life and D doesn't understand it and he is harrassing me constantly about it.

 

This was one of the reasons for me filing an order of protection agaist D last year. It is still in effect. I plan to utilize it if he should physically try to harm me but until I get a different job where I don't depend on the $300 child support a month I cant call the police on him for harrassing me. If I get a better paying job I will toss his arse in jail for violation of the order. For now all he does is harrass me with phone calls 24/7.

[Art_Critic]

I can't stop laughing! F**k'n hilarious!

 

Me to........She's too funny..

[blind_otter]

Me to........She's too funny..

 

Arrrrrt.....I procurred a pair of huge pants and the NEA is waiting for youuuuuuuu......

[EnigmaXOXO]

He's taken you shopping, bought you a ring and is having sex with you. But affection, kissing, hand-holding, cuddling and embracing (all those rituals of bonding which should have come first) … is something you'll have to wait for (???)

 

Charlie's got it all bass akwards. I agree … cut off the sex and rewind this relationship. Make him take it back to the beginning and earn you Pada, not buy you.

 

The next time around (with any man) don't give all of yourself away a once. It's okay to hold a little something back for yourself, so that if it ends, at least you'll walk away with a little bit of your heart still intact.

 

Meanwhile, since you and Charlie will only be casually dating … "to see where it will lead" (of course)… you should keep your options open and spend some time getting to know Kevin as well. If Charlie wants to be continue being your "buddy" (as he has been) … then maybe you should show him exactly what the difference between a 'pal' and a boyfriend means to you?

 

Personally, I wouldn't give him anymore time, myself. I really don't think it matters which way you play it … Charlie is who he is, and even absent the alcohol (you've already seen him sober), this is just a intrinsic part of his personality.

 

Don't mean to throw the ice water on you hopes and dreams … or project my own experiences onto you … But as I've already explained, I was married to someone just like Charlie for fifteen years. I have boxes full of rings and jewelry to prove it. And they don't keep your heart warm or show any emotion, either.

 

I was also hoping against hope that things would turn out different for you, too.

[basscatcher]

He's taken you shopping, bought you a ring and is having sex with you. But affection, kissing, hand-holding, cuddling and embracing (all those rituals of bonding which should have come first) … is something you'll have to wait for (???)

 

Charlie's got it all bass akwards. I agree … cut off the sex and rewind this relationship. Make him take it back to the beginning and earn you Pada, not buy you.

 

The next time around (with any man) don't give all of yourself away a once. It's okay to hold a little something back for yourself, so that if it ends, at least you'll walk away with a little bit of your heart still intact.

 

Meanwhile, since you and Charlie will only be casually dating … "to see where it will lead" (of course)… you should keep your options open and spend some time getting to know Kevin as well. If Charlie wants to be continue being your "buddy" (as he has been) … then maybe you should show him exactly what the difference between a 'pal' and a boyfriend means to you?

 

Personally, I wouldn't give him anymore time, myself. I really don't think it matters which way you play it … Charlie is who he is, and even absent the alcohol (you've already seen him sober), this is just a intrinsic part of his personality.

 

Don't mean to throw the ice water on you hopes and dreams … or project my own experiences onto you … But as I've already explained, I was married to someone just like Charlie for fifteen years. I have boxes full of rings and jewelry to prove it. And they don't keep your heart warm or show any emotion, either.

 

I was also hoping against hope that things would turn out different for you, too.

 

Thanks. I don't mind you giving me your input, insight, or comparing experiences.

 

I don't want to give Charlie up completely yet. I can't accept doing that just yet..

but I do think there is something to the casual dating him and slowing it down.

Maybe dating someone else at the same time casually will take my focus off of the serious mode I fell into.

 

I can't do this unless I am open and honest with Charlie of my intentions.

I don't want to lie to him.. I need to be true to myself and that means no lying.

Now the sex part. Hmmm that will be hard..

Having needs and being physically atracted to him; also, Kevin--he is attractive to me also and I know both of them could turn my crank.. I don't wan't to whore myself or be falling into two mens beds... Gawd....

 

If I continue to be intimiate with Charlie that is going to feed my feelings for him and create more desire for him.

I don't want to be seduced into another mans bed out of deprivation.

 

Geeze this is not easy..

[serial muse]

Pada, you do seem like a really warm, loving, emotional person. The old heart-on-the-sleeve. I think you should find someone who gives you back these things.

 

When I read this, however:

 

Charlie suggested that I change some things about myself last night and I told him that if he is asking me to not be so affectinate, caring, loving, giving, and caretaking then he is asking me to change what God created in me as a woman. As a individual. I told him those things about me cannot and will not change. I am what I am. This is what makes me who I am. It is God given. Being who I am in this aspect is the core of me. I told him if he can't handle it then he needs to move on and let me go.

 

the first thing that struck me is that he could just as easily say the same thing to you. You don't want to change, and you shouldn't. But he isn't obligated to, either. It seems to me that, as much as you care for him (and I think he cares about you, in his way), you two just aren't right for each other. Really, really not right, because this insecurity isn't ever going to go away. Do you really want that for the rest of your life?

 

He's the wrong man for you. You can find someone better suited to what you want in a relationship, I'm sure of it.

[blind_otter]

Yeah. That's why I wouldn't bother. Life is too short to waste your time on someone who doesn't even understand themselves. Wow, you are really growth motivated -- he isn't. That's ok, but I don't think the tow of you will be in the same place, mentally, emotionally whatever - in a year or two.

[basscatcher]

Yeah. That's why I wouldn't bother. Life is too short to waste your time on someone who doesn't even understand themselves. Wow, you are really growth motivated -- he isn't. That's ok, but I don't think the two of you will be in the same place, mentally, emotionally whatever - in a year or two.

 

I'm thinking the same thing.

 

So why the hell is it so hard to make the choice. f***....... ughhhh. I just want to scream and beat on him... (I wouldn't)

[Walk]

I'm not seeing it the same way... And I could be completely wrong, so take it with a grain of salt. But to me, why would a guy profess his undying availability to you if he wasn't serious about trying to work this out? Disregard the "stalker" thing for now.. Pada's never mentioned anything that's made her question him in that way before this. But what if he was attempting to assure her that he does want to work on this relationship. That he does love her and wanted to be with her, but because Pada was already pissed at her exH and Charlies trouble with discussing his feelings, it came out like he was some weirdo stalker?

 

I have a couple thoughts on the "no sex" idea you came up with... It won't work. You can't regress in a relationship. Once you crossed the threshold, you can't go back. It's better just to end the relationship, instead of drawing out a long and painful death. This has been my experience in attempts to "slow down" or regress a relationship.

 

Also, taking the time for the two of you to rekindle the positive feelings in your relationship might help Charlie feel more comfortable discussing and showing his feelings. Isn't that how two people basically fall in love anyway? They have fun together, laugh together, share time together.. You could set a time limit, in your head, for how long you will allow it if you dont' see any change in him. But I know when my SO is upset with me for something he feels I'm not giving, it's hard to get to a level where I can give it. I never know how to bridge that emotional gap that's created in situations like this. How do you give some one more affection if she's still upset with you about not giving it? He's already uncomfortable giving it... but now he has to run up to her and hug her while she's pissed at him and threatening to break up with him... And no one believes anyone any more when they say they'll change. We've all heard it before. Especially since she's had the talk with him before and nothing changed. So if he simply comes out and says he'll change, you won't believe him. Do you think he's aware of that fact too? Could you give him the opportunity to change? Meaning, agree to go out and have fun for a while (just once if that's all you want, but don't tell him that.), and stay open to the posibility that he may be asking for the opportunity to show he's working on changing. If you don't see anything different, not even a small amount, then you'll have your answer.

 

And I really wouldn't advise dating other people... dont' bring someone else into a whirl wind of emotional turmoil, and they'll get hurt too.